finances and adoption leave

[Mangolovers]

Hi
I'm about to start the adoption process as a single adopter and would welcome some advice about whether or not it's possible to work from home if you're on adoption leave. I've done a bit of research and discovered that adoption agencies expect you to take a year off work in order to bond with the child, however I'm just wondering whether I can take a few months off as adoption leave and then go back to work given that I'll be working from home. Will it make any difference ? My work is quite flexible and I don't have to be constantly on my laptop during the day, I was thinking of fitting in my work hours around my child. I would appreciate any advice. thanks.

But you're adopting a child. They will need your time and attention. You may not be able to work at all because of their needs.

I would have found it impossible to work in the early placement days, weeks and months. I had a 4 year old and a 6 year old who needed my full attention for months. Remember every single thing in their world has changed, they'll be terrified in a new place with new family. It takes months if not years for them to really settle.

I don't know what age you're considering but it may be worth thinking about an older child with a view to working while they are at school. In saying that early adoption is absolutely exhausting so you may need their time at a school to rest and regroup - I know I did.

Yep I cant see working from home working - with any little child let alone early days of adoption, they need to be on you the whole time, no time for even a wee alone and its exhausting. For us any time away (and we are 3 years in) - eg in a different room cooking the tea for 20 mins - is very difficult to manage & hard for DD, sometimes will need to play an involved game whilst I cook tea, and often she still comes and waits in the shower room for me to have a shower because she cant be in a different room. For us if I were to try to do any actual work she would esculate the attention needing behaviour to levels that would be intolerable. For example if I am doing something else she will attack the dog as knows that brings back attention to her. Making a telephone call is impossible with her.
When they are in school it is much easier but not always easy to predict & still tough.
You really do need the bonding time that adoption leave is designed for I would think.

Hi @Mangolovers

Anyone who worked at home with children during lockdown will tell you how difficult it is, when employers accepted it as a necessity, without the added complexities of adoption.
It's not clear whether you are self employed or not. If you work for an employer they will not accept you WFH with a child around.
Even if you adopted a school age child, the school day is short.
In the first year you will also have a lot of SW visits to fit in.
I'm a single adopter and had 13 months off and wish I could have had another 6. I could just about manage part time working by then, the first 8 or 9 months it was nigh on impossible and I had an 8 year old who couldn't get out of the house quick enough to get to school and went to cubs/swimming lessons.
I needed that time when he was in school just to take a breather, do the shopping or go to the hairdresser in peace.
It sounds like you may not be in a financial position to take adoption leave.
When I first looked into adoption I realised I couldn't afford it. It took me a couple of years to get my finances in order and to find another job which enabled me to support a child and with an adoption leave policy which enabled me to have a year off

I've done a bit of research and discovered that adoption agencies expect you to take a year off work in order to bond with the child,

I'd also think about when, if you're working, you'd be bonding with the child? You may have a child who can't tolerate any childcare setting - and you wouldn't have them in childcare for a good few months unless there was a child centred reason eg the child needs a routine or particular support, or you're becoming overwhelmed and need respite (but you wouldn't then be working, you'd be getting some support/rest).

It's really not like having a biological child who will fit around your routines, you need to centre that child and their needs. Of course we all need to keep things ticking over financially, it may be you need to save to afford adoption leave or change to a secure job with paid leave. You have time to sort your finances though so think about how you can establish as flexible a working life as possible because it will pay dividends in the long run.

Thanks everyone for your responses. I'm looking at adopting a pre school age child between the ages of 2 and 4, so far I've managed to save about £40k but I'm worried that I'll exhaust it all during the year off. My plan was to use most of it to pay off some of my mortgage and thereby reduce my outgoings so that I can use most of my money on the child. I'm currently working as a freelance journalist and now I'm thinking I might be better off looking for a permanent job in order to ensure I get paid during my year off. What do you all think?

I am a single adopter. I adopted a 1 year old and took just over a year of adoption leave due to accrued annual leave. There was no opportunity to work around a child that small. It's really intense. When my child was sleeping was the only opportunity for meal prep/cleaning and generally staying on top of my own needs. When a small child is awake they need you. You can't work around them, and believe me I tried in 2020 when he was four. Nobody should choose that as their default position, especially in the first year of adoption. At best, as a freelancer, you may be able to fit in some hours once they are settled in school or childcare, but don't underestimate how much parenting takes out of you as well as how much your life admin will increase when you have an adopted child. For me money was tightest in the year of adoption leave and worse the year after as I went back to work on 50% FTE and had to pay for childcare, which was a substantial cost. I only started overpaying on my mortgage a few years down the line. Given you have savings I would hold onto them to get you through adoption leave and then reassess to see what your life looks like in terms of outgoings and capacity to take on work after that period. I would only consider overpaying the mortgage if things look stable in terms of income and outgoings at that point.

Birth child? Yes, I could have done some work from home.

Adoptive child? Noooooooo. No way. Take as long as possible. At least six months, maybe after that if a school age child you could do some part time flexible work. Around all the meetings, and meeting their needs.

Just getting through the day was hard enough.

We are 10 years in with 2 children and I recently had to give up my part time working from home job as it just became unmanageable. I wasn't able to commit 100 % to either work or the children and something had to give

@Mangolovers

Personally as a single adopter I would go for a permanent job. It will give you some adoption leave and some measure of security as you don't have another income from a partner to rely on. Many jobs will of course have other benefits- including paid holidays and sick pay.

Many adopters do end up claiming benefits. I'd say the first 6 or 7 years of our adoption around 60% of my income was earned, the rest came from DLA/Tax credits and child benefit. I was also lucky enough to get an adoption allowance.
I gradually reduced the level of benefits as my son got older and I increased my working hours.

I had absolutely no problem with claiming benefits. As far as I was concerned my son was let down firstly by his family and then by the state for failing to protect him so he deserved to have me at home more than at work, paid for by the state. It's been a fraction of my working life.
I think a lot of adopters see benefits as a last resort

'Anyone who worked at home with children during lockdown will tell you how difficult it is'

I wasn't even working during lockdown, hats off to any adopter that managed to work and manage their children (even working remotely). For me, trying to manage two traumatised 5&6 year olds and their educational needs, purely at home, 2 years into adoption - nearly pushed me over the edge.

I went back to full time work 6 months after the adoption as being off for a year didn’t work for us. My child went into nursery & he loves it. I planned on the 1 year off but it didn’t work. Perhaps plan for the year but let your employer know you might want to be flexible & return earlier. I get annoyed by the ‘cookie cutter’ you must have 1 year off attitude. Children need a loving stable happy home, however that works for you. Good luck 😊

I think agencies expect you to be able to commit to around 12 months, but there is some flexibility in case the adoption placement is working out well and depending on your social worker. For example, in our case I committed to 12 months each time we adopted, but was able to return to work after 9 months in one case and 7 months in another case. Around 5 months of moving in with us, I was also able to enrol my children in a nursery 2-3 mornings a week, which I found quite good since it gave me some respite and also helped to develop their early social skills.

Thanks Theonlyhonest one and JohnPA that was very helpful. I think it all depends on the needs of the child.

The other thing I wanted to ask is how much prior childcare experience did you have ? I have been told that I do not have enough, despite doing voluntary work in various childcare provisions. I ve been told I don't have practical experience of actually looking after a child. I would welcome your thoughts on this. Also do you need to have an extensive support system with tried and tested people in it who have provided you with prior support in various situations?

@Mangolovers regarding the childcare experience this was an issue for as well. We basically had to volunteer for a charity for 6 months, which provides recreational sessions on weekends to children with special needs. This showed that we were committed to the process. I am surprised that they are asking you for more childcare experience, but sometimes they do that to test how you respond and to see how invested you are (being a parent, especially of an adopted child, requires you to be proactive, resourceful and to make time for things when you need to).

On the support network, I found that this is more about quality rather than quantity. We have a very small circle of friends for example, but we do have neighbours, family abroad, etc which can also provide some support. The support is not only about someone looking after your child in case of an emergency, but also about having someone to talk to, someone who can provide emotional support, someone who may have kids in your local area for playdates, etc. Our support network has changed a lot since we adopted, but social services want to check if you have people in your circle who can be there in case of need, advice and support, and also that you are able to identify and differentiate between different types of support that you may need (e.g. physical, logistical, emotional, etc).

We had virtually no childcare experience, except occasionally helping my brother with my niece. I agree with the other post that I think this is just something to test you. I don’t think they’re actually stopping adoption because you haven’t got much childcare experience.

Sadly, a lot of the people who said they would provide support didn’t. This is one of the contributing factors to me returning to work. I think if you’re happy to put yourself out there and go to lots of baby groups then you will make friends. I met 2 very helpful nice friends. But the family and neighbours and friends support did not turn out as I expected it, in essence, people were happy to come round for a cup of tea for half an hour but no one really helped. Most likely this won’t happen to you, but make sure you go out there and make friends with young children because they are the people who are most likely to understand.

Thanks a lot JohnPA and TheOnlyHonestOne, for your honesty.

I currently feel as if I'm being asked to jump through unending hoops no matter what I bring to the table. I have been told that my lack of childcare experience and unwillingness to consider children with complex needs will limit my chances of finding a successful match and/or it may never happen. I have also been told that I am being over optimistic about the challenges that lay ahead and I seem to think that simply providing a loving nurturing home will be enough. Does this sound normal ? I am beginning to think that they do not really want me to go through the process or be successful.

@Mangolovers
It sounds like you should talk to some other agencies.
Yes you are going to have to jump through hoops but some take it too far.
I won't bore you with the saga of my assessment process but I will say that my SW had an issue with my childcare experience. After a major fallout I went to another agency who were more than happy with my childcare experience.

It's really important that you are with an agency that is going to support you, that you can trust and work with, if you don't feel that now I'd suggest it's not the agency for you. Look elsewhere.

Just on the unwillingness to consider children with complex needs. Think of adoption as a two step process. First you have to get approved, then you have to find your child.
Focus on getting approved and when asked keep your options as wide as possible.
So for example saying you would consider a child with ASD, does not mean you have to adopt a child with ASD.
When it comes to matching my best advice is to look at the child, not the diagnosis.
I swore blind that I couldn't cope with a boy with ASD. Guess what - I adopted a boy with ASD.
I realised that earlier in the process I was just scared by it all. I didn't know enough about ASD.
When faced with a real child and looking at his specific needs then I realised that I could do it. So I did.
It's hard at this stage when you are thinking about hypothetical children. Its different when you are looking at real children.

Thanks @Ted27 I feel a lot better having read your response.
I am currently in stage 2 so it might be too late to try other agencies plus a date has been fixed for panel, not sure what to do at this stage.

We were given a load of chat about having to accept children with complex needs. We just said yes we would, but then we careful about who we were matched with.
In the end, I just waited until we found a nice match. It took me eight weeks to find a proposed match, which my social worker made out was forever! . I think that was entirely proportionate and I could’ve waited longer.
To be fair to the social workers they don’t know how the child will turn out, so our little boy who is perfectly fine, they had to warn us about mums alcohol and drug use during pregnancy, and that she might be dyslexic or something else. I wouldn’t let that put you off. When I look back on our adoption two years ago, social workers filled my head is with all sorts of worries and fears.

I ve been told I don't have practical experience of actually looking after a child.

Most non-parents don’t have experience of actually looking after a child, by which I mean even if you babysit regularly you don’t have experience of being responsible for all the decisions for that child, you don’t have experience of having to respond 24/7 to their needs, when they’re tired and you’re tired and you’re juggling a hundred things. You won’t have experience of establishing a night time routine or adapting to changes in what they’re prepared to eat. For that reason I think requiring voluntary experience with kids is an utterly pointless exercise. Ask them to be explicit about what voluntary experience they want you to get and what new skills they are looking for you to gain.

Get approved and then focus on matching.

Thanks guys, your responses have been very helpful.

Jellycatspyjamas all they said was do some voluntary work with a nursery or any other place where they have children in the age group you're interested in adopting. So I went off and did exactly what they asked me to do and now I'm getting "but you haven't actually cared for a child" . It makes zero sense.

I think you were being very naive thinking you could work during adoption leave with a child just knocking about the place.
You may have loads of energy and able to work after bedtime, I thought I might do that, but usually I'm catching up with life admin & housework if I'm not shattered.

That might be why the SW are questioning you about how realistic you are and have you actually looked after a pre-schooler on your own before?

I took a year off work (saved like mad for it) but my DC did start nursery 3 half days when they turned 2 a few months in.

SWs were thrilled, nursery is a good safeguarding tick, I barely saw the SWs the first year, but they talked to the nursery and knew AC was turning up clean, happy, well-fed & healthy 3 times a week, and the nursery also saw me - not quite as clean, happy, well-fed or healthy as the AC, but still acceptable

I used the time to lie down in a dark room as I found motherhood a big shock to the system, but if I didn't I could have started work again, I truely missed work, but I was so overwhelmed with the life changes of having a child placed with me, I just couldn't think straight and be useful at work.

I year in, I now WFH 4 days a week, AC is in nursery those days. I occasionally have paid childcare at the weekends to catch up with work because I can't work late like I used to (I'm single and I have no family to help with childcare)

I was the other way round, I had done lots of childcare with babies / kids in my family helping out when I could before I applied to adopt.

SW were a bit sniffy about all that experience (which included a fair bit of solo/overnights etc) & wanted me to have childcare experience with random children who didn't know me.
So I volunteered at a nursery for a while. SW thought the nursery was too MC, and therefore didn't count but I was starting to lose respect for her at this point and just carried on.
Annoying at the time, but turned out to be very valuable especially as my AC now goes to that nursery and I know all the staff etc & they know she's adopted and a bit about me too, so I feel very supported by them.

@satonacat Reading your post, made me wish that I had known you during my adoption. It appears we are very similar people. We got our little boy in September, & because he didn’t turn two until late April. We weren’t eligible for 15 hours nursery care until the September after. My dad paid for him to go to nursery one day a week as of December because I couldn’t cope on my own at home with an 18 month old. I can completely relate to you saying you had to just lie down in a room sometimes. The overwhelm is real.

I also now work at home with little one in nursery, and we have some paid childcare on a weekend for a half day every now and then. Sadly, our social workers weren’t as understanding as yours. The pressure for me to stay at home on my own for 12 months with an 18 month old was extreme. It’s taken me two years to overcome the feeling of complete failure. Also people of our parents age of 70+ are quite judgemental about having any paid childcare on a weekend. But, they aren’t offering to help!

I was chatting with my husband this morning and we wish someone would explain to us that if you have a child that becomes eligible for free nursery care a few months in, to take the pressure off, that really will help. I think we were just really naive, but seeing your post about who how you felt similar to me, has really helped. I hope you have a lovely weekend.