Medical assessment

[Brokentoes85]

Hi

I had my medical assessment last week and my agency has said they want to follow up bereavement councilling I had last year. At the time I felt suicidal (due to a stillbirth) will my councellor tell them this and will the agency not want to go ahead? I don't feel suicidal anymore and never wanted to harm anyone else. I also never made any plans to kill myself.

Thanks for any advice offered :)

@Brokentoes85

I'm very sorry for the loss of your baby. I can't imagine how devastating that is for you.
Only your agency can answer your questions. However, many people who have had mental health issues do go on to adopt.
They will want to discuss it with you and also maybe explore why you have decided to adopt and not try to have a birth child.
It's not clear how much time has gone by since your baby was born, so I think I would prepare myself to be asked to put things on hold for a while. The process can be very intrusive and bring many issues to the fore again.
They will just want you to be in the best place and ensure that you have grieved properly for your child.
Be honest with your social worker - good luck

If anything, going through counselling and being in a good place now is seen as a positive and strength. My hubby had counselling due to bereavement and similar feelings. It didn’t hold things up. Just added to questions later. It was very much viewed as “you have coping mechanism and know your own emotional state”. We have had our little man placed with us for 2 weeks now.

@Ted27 thank you. Its been 3 years, I do have 1 birth child. I dont have a partner so I'm not looking to have another birth child.

@LgbtPapa thank you. I didn't feel able to think about having another child for a long time, but now I've had the councelling I do. I've done the stage 1 training and found it really fun and informative. Congratulations! How is it going?

@Brokentoes85 its going really well so far. He settling in really well. A few sleepless nights due to teething, but honestly, so worth it. You’ve got this.

@LgbtPapa ooh sounds like you've got a young one. I can barely remember the era of sleepless nights. But I'd do it all over again just to have those cuddles!

We had this, try not to worry.

I tried to commit suicide years ago. My other half has had poormental health too. We where honest with all and they spoke to councillors we saw.

it came out in the report they wrote in us to panel and we were asked questions on it, but it was noted that it was life experience and a strength as we had sought professional support, followed up with medical advice etc and therefore if a little one faced similar issues we would have experience to draw on and knew where to get support and the importance of seeing it through.

our little ones birth parents have similar histories of mental health too so there’s a high chance our little one might suffer at some point and our experience was highlighted as a strength to the match when we finally got matched.

given it was so recent it will also be a case of making sure there’s no risk of an adoption breaking down due to resilience issues.

If your worried speak to your social worker, they will be honest with you but to be honest, you wouldn’t have got to this stage if it was an outright no as all these checks are very time consuming and costly to the agency. we found just being honest and open with the social worker key as it’s a stressful enough process without worrying and over thinking things.

you will need you energy when you have a match, trust me 😂😂😂

I'm sorry for the loss of your little one.

Given the counselling and suicidal feelings were just a year ago I expect they may want you to take some time to recover, a year is a short time to go from wanting to end your life to bringing a child into your family through adoption. The reality is adoption can bring up old losses, particularly the loss of not having another biological child and that can be very hard. Early placement is stressful, in the best of circumstances, and as a single parent with a biological child you have a lot of moving parts to consider before you throw a still birth and subsequent suicidal ideation into the mix.

I would want to see you having very well established coping strategies and supports, and to see those "tested" by life before putting a traumatised child in the mix.

Yes previous mental health issues can build resilience but I'd want to see you stable over a longer period of time. I'd also need to see you being able to talk very openly about that time in your life which means you taking it to your social worker rather than them finding out when your medical report arrives. I'd strongly advise that you don't try to hide it or hope that your counsellor doesn't share it, it's very relevant to your adoption process and isn't an automatic "no", but it likely would be if they don't hear about it from you.

I can't really remember if I told my social worker or not, but they knew about the situation and I dont think suicidal thoughts at the time would be surprising. I've only met them once for an hour, I've not had the chance to bring it up really, but I've been prepared to be honest regarding anything from my past, when he asked me questions. Which I hope demonstrates my openess. I dont not want my counsellor to mention it, I just want to know if she is going to or not. The first thing she said to me, without me bringing it up, was she wasn't going to reveal anything as it was confidential but I don't think the agency will be happy with no info.

I feel I am rather resilient, even though I've got low self esteem its something I'm proud of. I was offered more counselling, if I wanted it, but was told she didn't feel I needed it but I was welcome to self refer at a later date.

@Brokentoes85 under 1. He’s adorable. Loving the cuddles.

The first thing she said to me, without me bringing it up, was she wasn't going to reveal anything as it was confidential but I don't think the agency will be happy with no info.

The problem with counselling is that it's not a regulated profession, they don't need to do regular safeguarding training and can get quite stuck on confidentiality. I know this because I am both a counsellor/therapist and I train counsellors.

She should, with your consent, share anything that might be relevant to the adoption assessment - for better or worse. A contributing factor in the death of Leiland James Corkhill was non-disclosure by a counsellor, and I'd hope counsellors are both aware of the case and their safeguarding duties. Confidential or not your social worker needs to be aware because the time to find out isn't after a child has been placed, you're utterly overwhelmed and wanting to die. And believe me it can happen.

It sounds like you are in the early stages of your assessment, social workers are very used to working with people who have at some point felt suicidal, it doesn't mean you can't adopt necessarily but they can't do a full assessment when relevant information isn't shared.

Thank you. I completely agree with what you've said. I think in just going to wait and see what info they request and take it from there. Its been quite slow so far. I'm more than happy to discuss anything from he past with them, it just never crossed my mind to bring it up, which is probably naive.