To adopt a 3/4 year old with a birth child aged 6

[Catladyagain]

Hi all,
We have toyed so long with the dream of having another child for our existing child to grow up with. We want to learn more about adoption at 3/4 yo from experiences here, ahead of contacting the local council.
I hear adopting with a biological child is extremely hard. Our 6 yo son is confident but more on the introvert side. Bright, very strong willed, very attached to me, can appear almost autistic to people he doesn't know because of the way he sometimes cannot give a hello or goodbye and can also be quite explosive at times, but has some great friendships at school and the teachers say he's a kind fellow. He can show amazing emotional maturity at times, but of course, he's six!
How does it work if we say we do not want to take a child on if they are known to have learning delays or challenges of that kind? Presumably then they will come with huge trauma. Has anyone had existing children who have coped with another sibling who needs a vast amount of support? What kind of temperament /character have they had? Obviously this is all completely unscientific research but just want to start gently exploring this.
If things have been extremely tough for your family have you thoughts on why that was in terms of your own family type / character?
Thank you so much.

Hi @Catladyagain

First thing - when you are considering adoption there is loads to learn as I think you recognise, and there is no such thing as a silly question.
I don't have a birth child but a couple of things strike me from your post.
Firstly don't ever adopt because you want a sibling for your child to grow up with. Adopt because you want to, no other reason.
I think you need to be a lot clearer in your own mind about your child's needs.
Adopted children can be very complex, it's not a case of trauma or learning difficulties or delays. Usually it's a combnation of things.
Quite often issues don't arise until children start nursery/school.
A journey through adoption is not linear. There can be many ups and downs - significant changes like moving to secondary school can be very difficult. The teenage years are a very difficult time for many adopted young people.
I have an absolute star of a son. He is 20 now, by far the worst time was from 11/12 to 14.

People with birth children do adopt, I'm sure someone will be along soon.
Best advice - research, research, research, particularly developmental trauma and neuro diversity, FAS

There are no guarantees in adoption. You can say you don't want a child with (insert anything here) and might end up with just that, because at the time of placement the child maybe had not shown the behaviour or not been diagnosed yet.

Plus, as Ted says, it is all interconnected: a child might experience trauma in utero because there is domestic violence and the mother is highly stressed. One or both of the parents might have ADHD and may be selfmedicating with alcohol or drugs. This makes it more likely for the child to develop ADHD (on top of the trauma), which will impact their abilitiy to learn not just academically but also socially and emotionally, and to regulate their emotions, which makes them harder to parent.

Things can change dramatically. My children were easy (in adoption terms) to parent during primary and became very high need at age 13/14 due to being bullied which then triggered severe longterm problems. They are 17 and 18 now and we are still in the thick of it. You hope for the best, but you also need to be certain that you could handle the worst.

When you hear stuff like this, it is important to keep in mind that we all love our children like crazy. Are they easy? Definitely not! But they are wonderful and deserve the best.

I would read

• No Matter What by Sally Donovan,
• What to Adopt? by Helen Oakwater and
• Preparing for Adoption by Julia Davis.

They will give you a good overview.

Any child coming to adoption will have challenges - they will show in different ways at different times but any child removed from their family of birth will have issues to deal with. To give you some context 78% of adoptive families described themselves as facing challenges in this years Adoption Barometer. That doesn't mean our children are difficult particularly - challenge comes in many shapes and sizes, but it's not a walk in the park.

I'd probably want to see how things settle with your current child, "appearing almost autistic" could be a pre-cursor to him showing neurodiversity, which doesn't mean you couldn't adopt but you'll want to know what his needs are before adding a child who also will need additional support into the mix. There's no guarantee your birth child and adopted child will get on with each other, so have a good think about how it would be if family life looks different to what you hope for. Any child coming through adoption will need a lot of your time and attention certainly in the early years, how might your birth child cope with that. What's your support network like just now, and how might that change post adoption?

There's a lot to think about - adoption is the best, hardest, most joyous, heartbreaking thing I've ever done, but you really need to go into it with your eyes wide open.

Hi there. Adoption isn't really about you, it's about meeting the needs of a traumatised child. People do adopt with birth children, but it is not straightforward. Parenting techniques that might work with your son may not work with the adopted child for example.

As others have said, you simply don't know what problems will crop up, and the younger the child, the less you will know.

Tbh sounds like you may have things to unpick with your birth son before introducing a new child. In the meantime, do read up about the realities of adopting.

Absolutely do not adopt because you want to give your child a sibling. This is not a good reason.
I'd honestly say don't adopt with a bc.

We started the process but we have a very young son and there has two be at least a two year age gap between your biological child and adopted child. So we’ve put it on hold as we don’t want to adopt a baby so our son needs to be at least 4 for us realistically.
Anyway, when we enquired about adoption they didn’t seem put off by us having a child already, just by his age. I imagine further down the process it would become something that they would address. Especially when you start learning about the trauma an adopted child goes through and then how you might cope with that and your other child.
We had to say that we couldn’t take on a child who had illness etc that might require frequent doctors or hospital appts, purely because we have another child to think of already. They agreed with that.
If you really feel like you want to adopt then there’s no harm in going for an initial meeting / adoption information session. You’ll at least be able to make an informed decision. And the adoption staff can tell you if they think you’d be suitable adopters, or if it’s something to look into when your son is older.

I’d second this. I say this as an adoptive parent who adopted a three year old with BC around six years old. Don’t want to post too much here but 12 years later, I have a lot of regrets and guilt all round.

Hi. Adopted 10 years ago with a BC aged 2. AC has significant special needs - I’m not sure if that’s relevant. We have no regrets. I consider them to have a “normal” sibling relationship, whatever that means!

We adopted a three year old with a nine year old birth child.

We adopted because we wanted another child.

It has not been easy and our children are not really friends or close at the moment.

I know adopters with birth children, and adopters with one or two adopted children and no birth children.

Ask me anything you like. If you wish to.

Siblings in whatever form they come can be hard to manage. However, if your BC has some form of neuro divergence, then adding another kid who is statistically likely to have some form of neuro divergence can be a bit of a rollercoaster.

Our two weren't in foster care together, so were essentially introduced to each other at the same time as siblings as they were to us. Both of them, bless their little hearts, had some form of undiagnosed ND, and we were unable to meet their needs beyond what we were told about. And boy oh boy did they wind each other up and fight something chronic. It was horrible, and we only worked stuff out through trial and error. When one wanted peace, the other decided to scream into a bowl for an hour straight. We spent hours at the park for one to regulate whilst the other kinda needed deep pressure and naps.

Even now they often yuck each others yum. In some ways it is great- their ND combine and we have some excellent in depth discussions about dinosaurs. There is not a change that a pleiosaur is going unrecognised in THIS household thank you very much. However, when one is regulating by very loud repetitive noises or crashing and the other is triggered by loud noises or their Lego being broken... Fireworks ensue. And it is draining. I say this because it is really hard to know how ND will turn out, and even if you get a kid who isn't diagnosed (yet), there is the question of how much you can reasonably expect them to change and adapt to meet BC needs given their difficult start. You say your son is explosive, and that can be hard to manage for a traumatised child. Our youngest finds other children baffling. He has been kicked out of various nurseries because basically he doesn't understand their motives when they are loud and subsequently reacts physically. He also lives with his brother who is has moments of being very volatile (although this is improving now we have more support and knowledge), but it essentially means he goes form nursery to home and is constantly surrounded by (to him) unpredictable people who are confusing or shouting, and he simply cannot handle it. His behaviour deteriorates because he is stressed and scared, and hypervigilant. That fight or flight kicks in, and suddenly he is screaming and throwing stuff.

To some extent there is being part of the family that requires compromise, but then again social workers will expect you to prioritise AC needs given what a tricky start they had. So if the choice is taking your eldest to a Lego convention Vs attending a weekly therapy session, you have to commit to the therapy. And it's not just about doing it for the social worker, it's about doing it for your AC. They need to know that their care will be prioritised because the damage to them will be so much greater than the disappointment of a BC in not attending something. But it doesn't make BCs feelings or anger any less real, and it will probably be directed at you, because to some extent you had the choice and agency at every step, from entering into the process to which child you move forward with. So I would be prepared for the teenage angst and rejection, and if he is ND for that to possibly also be blunter than your average parental insult. And to consider how that would appear to an AC.

none of this is to say don't do it. I have spent many a happy hour with my kids discussing the various dinosaur programmes that kids TV has realised are such great moneyspinners, but I can also recognise the distress it brought me as a parent to be so distinctly unable to meet their needs in the early days and to watch them destroy each others moments of calm when we really needed them to bond. It isn't so bad now, but mine have similar interests and are close in age, which makes them easier to parent as a unit. With a larger age gap, the sacrifices will probably have to be more noticeable on the behalf of the siblings, and so can be trickier to manage.

Having a sibling isn't always very nice, and it isn't always healthy- so I would be careful about making sure you do ask all those questions and if you decide to go further, really advocating for the therapeutic support your family may need in the future.

It sounds like your son needs you right now. I personally wouldn’t in your situation and I say that as a parent of both an adopted and birth child. They were similar ages as you described.

we had a wonderful life the 3 of us. My birth child had 2 devoted parents and everything she could possibly want or need. She didn’t need to wait to get her needs met. She was so excited about becoming a big sister. Both my husband and I had worked with kids in care so knew it would be tough and decided to adopt.

it’s been far tougher than we could ever imagined. To meet the needs of 2 children, we need to parents at home. We both work part time. Money is tight, careers we worked hard for, gone.

my birth child is the most amazing child, she is kind, patient and tolerant of all kids with additional needs because from such a young age, she has learnt to adapt to living with someone with complex needs (none of which we knew about prior to adoption but became apparent in the years that followed). Her life has been turned upside down. Considering only my birth child, I feel immense guilt about the impact it has had on her.

an example, we went to a school friends house for a play date last week who had kids in the same class as my kids. The older ones were having a great time. The younger kids went upstairs to play in the bedroom. I felt really uncomfortable, told the parent that my son has additional needs and we should watch him. She said, sont worry, it will be fine, it was not fine. A few minutes later we hear the screaming as my son had her son on the ground hitting and punching him because the other child took out a toy sword (you know, the cheap plastic ones). I quickly grabbed him off the other child (who wasn’t hurt but terrified of course) and had to leave with both children. It wasn’t fair on my older child, she was having a lovely time but because of my younger one, she was no longer welcome.

family days out are dictating by my younger child. No point going somewhere he doesn’t want to go. That will just end up with the youngest on the floor screaming and crying. Embarrassing for the oldest!

the oldest never gets break from him. They go to the same school. Break times are hard for my youngest. The other children find my birth daughter when he is dysregulated because she is good at regulating him. With a fear of adults, the staff are helpless. I’ve told them so many times to call me and not to disturb her from her friends but it’s the other children. They are afraid of his meltdowns. It’s a lot of pressure on a child.

these are just our anecdotal stories which you asked for. My birth child is amazing and because of her, my adopted child is thriving. He adores her and she has been the most incredible role model for him. However, I know she will grow to resent me for bringing him into her idyllic life. I know I would if I was her.

point of this is the birth children don’t ask for any of it. It’s not their choice. They may say they want a sibling but they can’t make an informed choice so don’t let that sway you. Everything is impacted - their time with parents, their needs getting met, their experiences, friendships, time with wider family because of a decision their parents make. Please consider this.

Its great that you want to adopt Op but tread carefully. I adopted a 4 year old and then 3.5 years later we adopted a 1 year old. There is a 6.5 year gap between them and the older one has huge jealously. It is ok as we manage it and they love each other and are close but they cant be allowed unsupervised time together and both have high level complex needs. If you have a fantasy that they will play together then this may not happen. The adopted child is likely to take all the attention for many years so your older child will need to be pretty robust and independent at times as the younger siblings needs take over family life.