Curious About How My BC’s Emotional Development Might Be Viewed During Adoption Process

[LeftCentreRight]

I’m currently in the assessment stage of the adoption process and have a birth daughter who’s recently started secondary school. She splits her time between my home and her other parent’s home, and overall, she is a happy, healthy, and thriving child.

Recently, my ex-partner mentioned some instances where our daughter has become quite emotional at their house, getting angry or shouty when she doesn’t get her way, saying things like, “I hate you,” and having what you might call a typical “teen tantrum.” It’s not an everyday occurrence, but it does happen from time to time. I see this at my house too (it’s never physical, just words), and I’ve always taken it as a sign that she feels safe enough to express her frustration with us. I know it's not ok to say mean things like this, but I also think it’s pretty understandable, considering she’s navigating the new, sometimes overwhelming environment of secondary school, and is starting to deal with big emotions probably triggered by hormones. I’ve noticed it often happens after school on a weekday, which makes sense given the dynamics and pressures at that age.

We’ve talked about it, and while I plan to offer support at home through activities that help her manage these big feelings and keep space for open conversations, my ex-partner is wanting more formal support and a professional opinion I guess, such as a referral to CAMHS. I fully support this if that’s what they feel is best for our daughter, even if I don’t personally see an immediate need for intervention at this stage.

My curiosity is about how this might be perceived by my adoption social worker. I deeply care about my daughter and want to make sure her occasional emotional outbursts, which to me feel like a natural part of growing up, aren’t seen as an indication that she’s not ready for a sibling to join our family. Thinking back, I was such a moody teen myself! My poor parents.

I’m wondering if anyone else has had similar experiences or advice on how to best communicate this context to my social worker, so they don’t view it as a red flag or a crisis. It’s really about providing support with emotional development and coping mechanisms for our daughter, not because there’s an immediate issue, but to prevent any potential spiraling. I want to ensure they understand the bigger picture of her overall well-being.

Thanks so much for any insights or thoughts you might have.

Hi there.

Social workers will be concerned that you will be having to deal with your daughter's issues, that these might get worse and more time consuming and spill over.

Adopted children need consistency and can be really distressed by outbursts. Sw may be concerned that the environment in your home will be too triggering.

Are you sure your daughter will cope with a new arrival?

You're really unlikely to get a referral to CAMHS in all honesty, referral criteria is pretty high eg eating disorders, self harm and suicidal ideation which isn't what you're describing here. I'd be exploring why he thinks your daughter needs professional help - is he seeing signs of poor mental health that you aren't seeing?

It's not unusual for kids that age to have outbursts, to struggle with self regulation etc but given you cite all of the change she's experiencing at this age as a driver, I'd seriously consider whether introducing a new, permanent change just now is in her best interests.

I agree with jellycats. I know a child who made a parasuicidal attempt and who had to drop out of school, yet they were refused by CAMHS. Your ex-partner is very naive about what the threshold is.

I would put the adoption on hold until your daughter has settled. I would also explore in which way the adoption might be part of your daughter's behaviours. Is she worried she might be "replaced"? Is she worried about the impact another child will have on her life?

Teenage kids have outbursts.

The important thing is how you deal with them, how you comfort your birth child while also looking after the new child.

Frankly any teenage child having any new family member join the family there may be issues of jealousy etc. I would try and explain any issues in the most simple way and not overplay or downplay.

I'd also make sure you do not give your new child toys, clothes etc from your older child (without their permission). Speaking from personal experience here!