Adopting with BC

[Hopefaithjoy]

Hello - I'm after a bit of wisdom. It's a bit of a heart/head thing. I had one BC at 42. I always hoped for another but it never happened. We explored IVF however my blood work showed that wasn't an option. I would love to adopt; I feel something is missing from my family and that my daughter would (hopefully ) benefit from a sibling in the ways that I did/do. My DH does not want to adopt however has said that he would go through the process if I feel I can't be happy without another child. What would you do in my shoes? I'm also really worried that rather than being a positive it could end up negatively impacting on my BC's childhood. Does anyone have experience of adopting with a BC and/or adopting with a partner who was reluctant? Many thanks

We adopted DD when DS was 7 years old and it was absolutely the right thing for us. I would have loved our family to have felt complete with one child. And I was very envious of my friends who were happy with just one. But I was desperately sad that I couldn’t get pregnant again and there was a big gap where that second child was meant to be.

DS and DD are older now. They are as close as any siblings I know and adore each other.

We adopted when BS was 2. AS was 1. I don’t think they are any different to any other siblings to be honest. AS has special needs - I don’t know if that made it easier or harder! We certainly have no regrets.

@Hopefaithjoy

Your biggest issue is your husband.

Adoption is tough, both of you really have to want it.
I believe the divorce rate is higher for adopters - what do you think he would do when the going gets tough- bail on you ?

The assessment process is very thorough, it includes separate interviews, he won't be able to hide his reluctance and it's unlikely that you would be approved.
I'm sorry that's not what you want to hear but it's the reality.
You need to do a lot more talking

One third of adoptions are straightforward, one third are tricky but everyone muddles through, and a third are extremely challenging, with the child often returning to care. And it is really difficult to work out which of the three groups you will fall into when they are little. Often children up for adoption these days have foetal alcohol syndrome, which can make it very challenging to parent them. You may assume you have proved that you can be a good parent with your birth child, but the techniques you use with her might not be suitable with a traumatised child.

Adoption is primarily about the child not you or your child. Agencies will be concerned about your husband's lack of interest and your motives, which atm are more about you than the child.

I adopted two little girls. We were told they were "absolutely fine". Both got adhd and autism diagnoses. Both went to special needs schools. Both had ehc plans. Both had ongoing therapy. They couldn't make friends, had behaviour problems, one kept trying to hurt the other.. adoption can be really tough, it's not just a way to create a family. You have to be prepared and it could be your husband wouldn't be.

Sorry, I know this is pretty gloomy, but it is the reality of many adopters.

Honestly adoption is very hard even in the best of circumstances, if either of you have enduring doubts I wouldn't go for it. The vast majority of children come with complex needs and it's really not like having another baby, even if the child is placed as an infant.

In any event, mourning the "loss" of a second biological child is part of the process in coming to adoption - and essential really in terms of reorienting towards adoption. I'd be thinking about what your hopes are for a second child and where you see adoption in terms of those hopes. I'm a strong advocate for adoption, but you need to be prepared for the potential reality of having an adopted child and the changes that will bring to your family unit. If your husband really isn't on board, I'd stop.

As others have said, your partner would need to want to adopt.

I have birth and adopted children. The siblings thing is complex- yes, there are benefits. However, my birth children are classed as "young carers" as their siblings are so disabled, in a way we didn't expect. Would we change it if I'd known? Maybe.

I think the other posters have said most of it. But didn’t want to read and run. We have a BS via IVF who was 8 when our AD (3) came to live with us earlier this year. You just cannot anticipate how difficult it can be for the BC and this is a consideration. They are doing great but certainly he struggled initially after 8 years of being an only child. We are extremely lucky that so far our placement has gone amazing and our AD does not have many issues yet this has still been challenging nonetheless. The adoption process has by far been one of the hardest things we have been through as a couple (I would say even more so than IVF). but we BOTH wanted it very much and knew it was the pathway to the family we wanted. My husband was also not brought up by his BP so has always had an yrge to adopt. This is fundamentally the most important part, the social workers will sniff out very quickly motivations and you just won’t get approved if you both don’t want it! Wishing you the best in whatever you decide!

A huge thank you to absolutely everyone who has commented. Your wise words have been really helpful and I so appreciate your individual perspectives. This is obviously really difficult but I'm so grateful for your honesty and candour x