Just a bit broken

[OoEeOoArAr]

My 4 year old had a terrible day at school yesterday. They are so little and in reception full time.

We've done so much to get our family to a more even place and nothing is working. We've made so many sacrifices.

I gave up my career because the long days and stress were making it impossible to parent two adopted children with trauma and additional needs. I now work in a much better job but still full time and a massive pay cut. We are ok, it isn't about the money. It's more flexible but still not school hours obviously. Kids in after school club for an hour everyday.

DH has resigned to work closer to home. Again, had to take a pay cut. So that between us we can reduce the amount of after school care they receive. Also so he can support me when they come home. Both kids are entirely different and it means my eldest will always lose out because her brother's needs are so extreme.

My new job allows me to take both children to therapy. Therapy is 30 miles away and it takes up a whole morning. All through post adoption support and that's the only location they can do.
Youngest hates the car journey. He is just in fight or flight 24/7.

Everyday when I pick him up from school, he screams and screams in the back seat. Sometimes I have to pull over and get out of the car because I can't drive with that going on and I can feel myself becoming furious towards him. I've lost my temper too many times. My eldest child hates it - she is so meek.

I'm in counselling too.

My youngest does an hour of gym on a Saturday and it was so good for him but lately he screams he doesn't want to go. He loves it once there but maybe I will just cancel it. What's the point. It's just yet another tug of war and I'm paying a lot for a load of arguments.

We wrap him in blankets to help him to calm, we painted our playroom dark colours so that he feels like he is in a little cave, we paid for carpet to go down, new fluffy cushions and a load of sensory stuff. We take the therapists advice and go for woodland walks/beach walks/water play etc etc.

I don't think I need advice because I'm literally doing everything I can. But he had a terrible day at school and I feel a bit broken. It's the beginning of the year, I did warn them of all his problems. I need to make an appointment to chat to senco (he went to nursery there so they do know him). I just haven't got it in me.

I've had to fight for everything and he is still confrontational, violent. The only thing I can say is his meltdowns at home have been horrific so he has clearly been doing a decent job of holding it in at school, I'm proud of him for that.

But I'm so tired and angry about everything. I love him so much but he is making it impossible to act like I even like him.

I hate these years. He needs a parent who earns a fuck tonne of money and another parent to stay at home and be a perfect, therapeutic parent. We just can't be what he needs.

@OoEeOoArAr

Big hugs, sounds incredibly tough.
I know you didn't ask for advice but I do wonder in that therapy is worth it. Therapy won't be effective unless they are in the right place to receive it.
Do you receive DLA for them?

There is no such thing as the perfect parent, therapeutic or otherwise. You are doing an incredibly difficult job, give yourself some credit.

I just wanted to send hugs. Sounds like you have done and are doing everything you possibly can for your kids and are wonderful parents. Hang on in there xxx

Sending virtual love and support.

I can empathise with the car thing. My eldest from about 3.5 to 4.5 was so full of anxiety, not of the car I don't think, but the journey was certainly a trigger. Anything over 10 mins and he'd get repetitive and then it would be full blown shrieking and screaming. when that happens at 60mph - it's not funny. I pulled over many a time and sobbed at the side of the car. I think with BF they had moved so many times and often very quickly, possibly leaving in stressful circs and possible leaving stuff behind.

Take care of yourself.

Yeah I'm starting to wonder if the therapy is worth it too. I don't really see a difference BUT it does help me feel like social services are more on board because they are paying money out for it. So I kind of feel like it's good in a way? Keeps the attention on my kids.

I am wishing my life away. Thank you for kind words

Oh yes, we get DLA. It's the only reason we could afford the massive pay cuts. But I live in fear of what life will be like if they stop receiving DLA.

We used to do therapy with our 2 boys, paid for by ASF as it was all that was offered by Social Services. Husband had to take time off work to go, it was on my one day off a week and school asked us not to send the boys back after as they were so dysregulated. Car journeys there and back were awful and even though it was family therapy, we were in 2 separate rooms! All in all it was a complete shit show that we all got super stressed over. Luckily covid put a stop to it and we haven't looked back!
Our world is very small in some respects, but both boys now go to special needs schools, no clubs outside etc. Youngest played his first football match this week against another school. Husband went to watch and nearly cried he was so chuffed for him.
It really is tough, my 2 hate each other as well and I feel more like a referee than a mum. BUT it has got easier as they have got a bit older. Sending strength and love

Sending empathy and hugs.

There are no perfect parents. That's the crux of it. There's just you, and your best, and your best can't be perfect because you're a normal, sometimes irritable, sometimes irritating, normal human parent.

Your love shines through.

I would quit therapy- it's supposed to be helpful, maybe try again later?

Hi there. Sorry it's so hard. Your situation sounds very familiar to mine. I gave up work and my husband had to really rein back his career....

Myvtwo had therapy on and off for years. One of them benefited - the other, not a jot. It was like it just didn't get through to her.

She is 26 now, her sister 25. And over the years she was diagnosed with all sorts, which no one was picking up when she was 4.

We had her seen by an Ed psych in year 5. He diagnosed a moderate learning disability. At the same time she saw a psychiatrist at camhs who diagnosed adhd.

At 15 she was diagnosed with autism by a camhs psychologist, who felt that the therapy should have made some difference by now, and at the same time with a genetic deletion by the genetics clinic at our hospital.

She also developed epilepsy aged 14!!

Anyway, therapy for "attachment" etc was not her primary need. She and I always got on together pretty well. Being at home with me eg during the holidays was our best time.

I think you are on entirely the right track with the sensory stuff. Keep going - it won't work overnight.

Secondly, are you in England? Does he need an ehc plan, a place in a unit? Mainstream school may not be a good fit for him.

Thirdly, re you, join your local carer's network and also request a carers assessment. I would suggest youvread 'parenting from the inside out' by Dan Siegel and anything by Bryan Post. A lot of it comes down to us managing our oulwn expectations.

My other daughter has pda. She seemed easy as a young child but really she was just keeping everything hidden. Then it all came out!

Dobyou know other adopters? I do hope you have a good support network x

Sending hugs too, I was similar over the summer and my 4 year old has just started school and things have got better since then (until today which has been wild somehow and then of course I spiral into trying to figure out why!). Our senco kindly referrred us to the early help hub who were brilliant - offered alot of help very quickly - so if your in england may be worth doing this. Virtual schools have also been brilliant so worth a try if you haven't. I know you will like me be trying everything, Its so hard. Best thing that seems to work for us is tag team and try to get your batteries recharged enough to deal with it I think. Not easy I know.

Just thinking and I know you say you dont want advice but thought after re reading your thread I should mention two things that help me, I know you likely do already/have tried and dont work for you, but sometimes something does help?
1- on pick up I always have a chocolate snack and a bigger snack - sandwich/taco/mini chedders or something as she's always starving and acopic because of that - eating something of high deliciousness stops the demands and screaming. I then go to the park before home, run off that cortisol and gives a gentler transition. Its a routine I fear will be lost once the bad weather comes but for now I think its helped us alot.

2- We've been thinking around pda and have tried to go low demand parenting - main thing this has resulted in for us that has been a success is not expecting anything at tea time - instead of the family tea we just feed tea in a relaxed way - no expectation to come to the table but out while she plays/watches tv - its just too much for her to do more interaction after a day of school so i'm happy she's eating at least. Also trying to say 'I wonder..' instead of asking her to do anything - eg ' I wonder which shoes are for school? ..... instead of ' shoes on' etc etc - 'I wonder what we need to do before bed? ' instead of 'bed time'. Takes the demand away.

I think these have helped us, yet also know everyone's completely different and its all so relentless its hard to do all the time (hence me trying to figure out what I did wrong today so create a terrible day after a week of top behaviour!).

Thank you all. I'm feeling more measured today. For a few hours anyway. I've realised that my son constantly triggers me. I can never relax because he is just always doing something he shouldn't. Im lucky he sleeps well - we would be in absolute crisis if he didn't.

He has been a sweetheart today, I've never been so proud. Took him to an animal event and, even though he was so excited, he sat nicely and was so gentle. I do love him to death but I can also hate his behaviour with a burning passion too.

Definitely going to take food with me on school pick up, can't believe I didn't bloody think of that. We do have very low expectations for things like dinner time. He has cooked meal at school so I just do a sandwich etc at home because both kids struggle to wait for anything to be cooked.

Therapy wise I'm going to stick it out for now. They've just moved to a bigger venue and it's better. Also, sounds awful, but it really does keep us in touch with an expert. I kind of need that for my own anxieties.

I'm feeling old and worn out.

Hi.
Just wanted to send some virtual hand holding. It sounds very tough and it's no wonder you're exhausted. I think the start of term is hard for all kids it's such a shift from holidays to school and when they are adopted to throws more into the mix.
Also he is very young too and at that age can not articulate their feelings only via actions and that seems to come out in anger and frustration.
I don't have much advice on the car issues and I'm taking it that walking or something is not a possibility?
Can you explain to the service that you need a venue closer to home for therapy as one of the issues is he's struggling in the car so it's not working and counter productive?.
With regards to food take something really chewy and drink something like a thick milkshake through a straw to help with regulation.
My child has had therapy and I am coming towards the end and it has been a godsend it's helped massively however my child is older and I think they have to be receptive towards receiving it.
I hope that things improve and you get some much needed r and r.
❤️

Ah I could have written this post! Another hand hold from me.

I would second low(ish) demand parenting but make sure all the professionals involved are aware that it is a strategy you are deploying strategically and the "cost" of doing that.

For example, we do low demand, but it means sometimes our kids don't do what we want them to do in terms of getting dressed, being on time, sleeping in their own bedthat sort of stuff. We are crystal clear that it isn't us, and that we are doing what has been suggested, but that this accomodation literally costs us more, which is why we need the DLA to continue. We buy Flexi tickets for the ferry in case of meltdown delay, duplicate snacks for the car and the house, bulk buy certain sweets and safe foods, use the car every day for consistency, print and reprint visuals, all the little things that other parents don't have to do.

I agree with keeping kids on the radar of professionals if they are struggling. We have altered our goals a bit- we primarily see it as beneficial, but if they don't benefit hugely then it's a checklist-well that didn't work, professionals, so what's next? That way it doesn't feel so pointless when they are running round the waiting room turning on all the taps in the toilet and emptying the water cooler all over the floor with their pants on their head (please tell me it isn't just me!)

But I completely get it. You are knackered, it's winter, the kids won't stop, it's the extended run up to Christmas (I'm mentally singing "it's the most triggering time of the year" in my head), and one more shoe lobbed at you as you are driving them to therapy might just tip you over the edge. It really really sucks, and I'm sorry it's hard right now. I'm not going g to bother with the trite stuff about it will get better because bugger me if that's not an invitation for the universe to prove me wrong, but do keep on plodding. If nothing else, sometimes adding music to stuff helps to drown out the incessant noise.

You are doing just grand. You don't have to be perfect, or earn loads, although I reckon winning the lottery would make everyone at least 10% more therapeutic, so I would be willing to take one for the team and give it a shot, just for the experimental value. Just try to chill with them, whack the TV or tablets on to give them and you some downtime and then as ever, grab the maltesers as a little treat. You deserve it!

I wanted to send hugs and give some advice, apologies - I know you haven't asked for it.
We have 2 BS (11&9) and are in the process of adopting our daughter (2).
Our eldest BC is diagnosed with Autism. The early years with him were horrific at times - the years between 5-8 probably the hardest with meltdowns (sometimes for 5+ hours), violence, throwing chairs in the classroom, hiding under tables, screaming on the bus (I didn't have a car), you name it - we had it. He is genius level clever but his emotions are very behind and he has no concept of lying, sarcasm, people being mean to him etc. we fought with professionals for years - them telling us he couldn't possibly be autistic because he was sociable and so clever (obviously they never heard of Stephen hawking!!). We eventually went private for a diagnosis when he was 9 and haven't looked back.
Now for the advice - take time for yourself, understand burnout and speak to your GP.
Find something that allows your brain to meditate (I crochet, swim and go for a quick run) and reset.
I can't comment (yet) on trauma experienced children, my AD is only 2 and we are in the early days, but from experience with an ASD BC, it does get a little better as they get older and start to understand things and themselves. If your AC has ASD then the 'peak' seems to be around 8-9 years old, according to some of the research.
Massive hugs xxx

Just seen this thread.

Wow... a lot of similarities with us.

For our family like many others unmet needs at school were resulting in humongous dysregulation at home.

EHCP was not followed, changing schools was a waste of time. LO has a multitude of ND inclu PDA.

LO is now being Home Educated. Our family's lives have changed beyond recognition.

Living off benefits is not fun. But the other option was spending 10+ years like this.

Just jumping in to suggest sensory integration therapy - it works to reduce the "fight or flight" response. I take my son weekly, I don't notice a difference if we go, but I notice a difference if we don't go, if that makes sense?!!!
And yes yes yes to food for the car.