Gender Preference - Reasons to give at panel

[AdoptiveEPMum]

My husband and I are close to the end of stage 2 and have our panel date coming up in a couple of weeks. We are adopting via the Early Permanence route.

Throughout the process, we have expressed a preference for a girl with our SW. We are now being told that panel will grill us on this point and it be may frowned upon to have a gender preference. To this point, we have been asked to explain our why as rationale for our gender preference.

Has anyone else been through this experience? I'm curious to hear what others maybe have said as a why when questioned on gender preference.

So far I have thoughts around a female skewed family background, our network of friends and family mostly having female children, our experience to date being with female children and lastly control (the ability to be able to state a gender preference allows us a tiny sense of control post many years of unsuccessful IVF and infertility.).

I think if you have a very strong preference for anything, be is sex, age, hair colour etc, you will be questioned on it.
Adoption is primarily a service for children, not adults wishing to create their perfect family.
Remember that at any one time, you can only adopt the children who are available at that time.
What if no girl babies are looking for families when you are approved, how long will you wait. What if there is a great match- but they are a boy - would you reject them?
By all means have a preference but be prepared to wait. When you start looking at real children things do look very different.
Never in a million years did I think I would adopt an 8 year old boy with autism, but I did and he is the best thing ever.

Totally understand that adoption is less about the parents and more about the needs of the children. And ditto re we can only adopt what is available and therefore nay need to wait. Considering our journey thus far is 10 years going, we can wait.

Congrats to you with your little boy!

Yeah, I imagine panel will want to know your reasons! I'm not sure any you've given would satisfy panel that you have children's needs at the heart of that decision.

In what ways do you think parenting a girl will be different to a boy? What if that girl doesn't conform to gender stereotypes?

@AdoptiveEPMum

My 'little' boy is 20 and at university, he's still cute though and my baby!

For us it's not about what may be different, but what we know thus far based on our lived experiences (family setting, exposure to friends children etc all being female) and therefore we feel that we will be able to better meet the needs for a little girl. We are not discounting a boy in the future, but considering we want to do the best for a child placed with us, we feel we'd be better with a little girl per my first sentence.

Ah not so little then!! How proud you must be :)

We voiced a preference for girls for similar reasons you state: we had much more experience with girls and there was only one boy but 6 girls in our families in that generation. We were looking to adopt two children though and were open to a boy/girl pair, we just didn't want two boys. We were not questioned about it at all at panel.

They will be concerned about your expectations matching reality, like what do you think 'girl' means to you? What if you get a tomboy? Do you have stereotypes in mind about clothing, appropriate activities etc? Would you tolerate a female child who isn't very girly?

And while you can give rational reasons for wanting a girl, they may probe to see if there is anything else going on.

Equally they may just approve you for a girl quite easily, you just don't know.

What needs would a boy have that a girl wouldn't also have? In that, what needs do you feel you can't meet that are "boy" needs?

On a practical level they may ask how you do EP and have a gender preference when baby is not born and many mothers do not find out the gender. I have done EP twice. I did not know gender of DS1 until birth. Unbelievably (delightfully) DS2 was mistakingly called a girl until birth! Lots of hair bows and tights where promptly returned to shops but I was equally delighted.

There are lots of people who want girls and not boys. So many boys waiting. It makes me feel so sad they are being discounted just because of their sex. I think you will get questioned on it because it potentially raises questions about what you expect from parenting a girl. What is they hate pink and love dinosaurs and mud. I assume that would be fine and you're not focusing on stereotypes. And I agree it makes EP really difficult you can't say yes and then change your mind if baby is a different sex than expected/ hoped for. Id maybe chat with your social worker in an open minded way listening honestly to what they've got to say. I think a good reason would be quite limited and specific eg you wanting a different sex child to an existing child because it's relevant to their identity or wanting a different child to a child that has been lost so the experience is totally different. Panel are very unlikely to approve you for one sex only so I would try not to fixate on that. It would be a nightmare if you were only approved for one sex and then an EP baby came through and you had to rush back to panel

If a birth parent said i only wantba healthy girl if it is a boy or has any health isdues or any learning disabilities i dont want it could you imagine the uproar so why is it ok for zdopters who are apparently desperate for a child aloud to be so choosy honestly it is not an amazon order tjis is a child a person with thoughts and feelings really upsets me when people are tjis choosy while claiming they wa't a child

Adopters don't need to be, nor should they be imo "desperate for a child". Desperation isn't a good starting point.

I don't agree with gender preference, unless a child in the family has a strong preference to match/not match, because I think there are far more important factors to consider, but in no way should adopters explaining their matching criteria be viewed as choosy.

I'm guessing you haven't adopted?

If a birth parent said i only wantba healthy girl if it is a boy or has any health isdues or any learning disabilities i dont want it could you imagine the uproar so why is it ok for zdopters

Birth parents aren’t generally going to be parenting a child starting from a place of separation and trauma. Adopted children come with additional support needs as a starting point. The degree of those needs and the impact on the child and family may vary throughout the child’s life but it’s always in the mix. It’s responsible for the adoptive parent to consider what they may be able to cope with in addition to the needs that come through being care experienced.

I have only now realised that you are doing EP, so you are looking for a very young baby, potentially a newborn. How do you envision that? You get a phone call about a baby and if it is a boy, you will say no? I think panel will struggle with that.

I find it a little bit concerning that panel is a couple of weeks away and yet you're asking strangers on the internet to help you think of reasons why you have a preference for a girl.

This, to me, suggests that your adoption journey so far hasn't helped you explore gender preference and expectations fully.

How do you define "boy needs" and "girl needs" op?
What is it you think a boy might need that a girl will not?

@AdoptiveEPMum I would agree with what everybody says about gender stuff above. I would reassure you, we have 2 boys, and gender is... Well, less rigid than one might think, and quite low on the priority list of stuff that affects their day to day life if I'm honest.

I do think it's interesting that you say that you feel it will give you some control. Who do you feel that you need to prove it to? Maybe it might be best to keep your cards close to your chest and then keep your genuine control in selecting the profiles you either wish to pursue or not.

Basically, do panel have to know you have a preference? Even if you do feel a moral obligation to be totally gut wrenchingly honest...., do they really really have to know? Couldn't you just say you would accept whatever child, but then only move forward with certain profiles that fit what you want? Keep your options open but make the choices based on what you know will be best for you in the long run, whatever that may be? Not lying, but being measured with the strength of your feelings about the subject rather than being drawn into a discussion about it.