Adopting Twins

[imagrumptoday]

I've name changed for this.

My daughter is considering adopting twins.

I am so happy for her and, of course, it's her decision.

However, going from no children to two little 'uns (just starting school) may be a bit of a shock for her. We will help when we can if required.

Are there any words of wisdom or advice from someone who has been in a similar situation please?

I didn't adopt twins but I adopted two full siblings with a 15 month age gap.

If they are starting school soon, they are about 4. The big issue is for her to understand what issues they may have and to get support agreed. She should ask for an adoption allowance and get it confirmed in writing - she may not think she needs it but further down the line she might.

I would also suggest she looks into sibling trauma bonds and find out how they get on. My elder daughter (26 now) has always been incredibly jealous of her younger sister. This was a feature in foster care and has never gone away. We can't ever leave them alone together and there have been some pretty serious incidents.

Tbh I don't know any adoptive families (and I know a lot) where the siblings get on well- it is often a huge stressful situation for adopters. But maybe the twin bond will offer some protection.

I have twin nephews and it can be hard to see them as separate individuals - they are always "the twins". They still operate together and they are in their 30s!

It's really kind of you to enquire about this. I think your daughter sounds amazing to take on two kids at the same time. I have a birth child and an adopted child.

I know a few people with twins and I would say as much as possible to treat them equally but differently. Not dress them alike etc. Let them have their own choices etc.

There is a support group for twins called Twins Trust, used to be called TAMBA.

https://twinstrust.org/resource/tamba-is-changing-to-twins-trust.html

Good luck to her and you.

Adoption, in fact having children, is a shock for anyone, so I wouldn't dwell too much on that, and just ask your daughter what she needs and do it.

Saying "secure an adoption allowance before placement" makes that sound easy... It's not. The LA will make out she's being greedy, and that there is a queue of people for these children. She's not, and there isn't. But don't blame her if she can't secure an adoption allowance.

The good thing about the twins being older is that their needs will be more known than babies, and some things like DLA, EHCP might be in place, or at least started.

But as grandma, your role is not likely to be worrying about that. Take your cue from your daughter, be thrilled at the new grandchildren, and understand that she may well be "funnelling", and therapeutic parenting. Just listen to your daughter.

There is a good book called "related by adoption" or something like that.

If your daughter has gone through the process, and been matched, she knows what she's taking on probably as much as any parent does, so don't let her think you're worrying or judging, just support.

We adopted 2 together aged 2.5 and 8.

Yes it was a massive shock to the system, the first 3 months especially.
But lovely.

If they are of school age, my main suggestion would be for her to take them out 1 afternoon each individually (and maybe 1 together too) to help with bonding. School in the afternoon is not as important as bonding, but school itself will help with routine and help your DD keep her sanity.

Do not offer unsolicited advice. Listen and empathise.

Expect the DC to be 'younger' than they are, so e.g. if buying craft sets aim for younger age not older age.

Your DD may well want to choose and buy clothes herself, so be careful with gifts of clothes.

You can request an adoption allowance for in the future if the children turn out to have difficulties as a result of their early life experiences which require eg one of you to give up work. Adoption allowances are usually income related and may not kick in until your income falls before a certain level. If it does dip, having the backup of a regular allowance is a great help.

Did you manage to do this, and get them to make good on that promise without a fight?

If so, well done you!

I've had a poorer experience. "You're their legal parent, why would we pay you?"

I did. Tbf they were so convinced there would be no issues and both my husbandand i had well paid jobs... of course I ended up giving up work as their needs were off the scale, then years later my husband lost his job and couldnt find another one.... I went back to them and they claimed to know nothing about it but I had the letter! We got about £1k per month and it kept us afloat til he got a new job.

Well done you. Since austerity? Or pre-austerity?

I adopted in 2001 but back then everything was much less structured and there was no money for post adoption support - and most LAs didn't believe it would be needed. There wasnt even agreement on which LA was responsible so most people were fobbed off by both the placing LA and their own LA. This was ground zero - it was my peer group that fought for services, got American therapists to come over, taught the schools about attachment, stuff like fasd. Most sws were also in denial about attachment, early neglect - it was early days of the Internet and it was difficult to know what to expect.

But my local Adoption UK coordinator was highly experienced- she had adopted three girls and was having serious issues - and she told me what to ask for and how to word it. I thought "that will never happen to us" but I took her advice thank goodness. They wrote me the letter assuming I would never use it because of the means testing. I'm sure no one senior even had to sign it off!

I think someone like OP's daughter would find it very difficult to get such a letter these days, and if she can't, that's not her fault, or much she can do much about.

As you say, times were different. It's no utopia now.

No utopia, no, but the info about the effects of early trauma is now widely available and accepted. There are virtual heads in school, on line support, adoption support fund etc. We had nothing.

Something my mother did, which drove me mad, was to tell me that every single difficulty my kids had was perfectly normal. It wasn't. I had to point out to her that yes, her children might have done that. But she didn't take drugs or drink whilst pregnant/ we weren't in foster care. She really struggled to understand that there is a huge extra layer to parenting an adopted child.

It's lovely that you are asking on here

We adopted two children in a twin like situation (much less than a year age difference). We sent them to the same class, same hobbies, some same clothes but different colours. So we did everything you are not supposed to do with twins. :-) It went really well until the secondary school decided to separate them. Both got severely bullied and we are, years later, still dealing with the fallout.

My children got on extremely well. They were each other's safe person, so being in the same class was very helpful. On a practical level, it made my life much easier, because homework was the same and all hobbies were at the same times in the same places. This only works if the twins get on well of course. I grew up in a similar twin-like situation and have several sets of twins in my family and we all grew up like this, so I had personal experience of this.

I found the transition from 0 to 2 kids relatively easy and I wonder if that is partly because on a practical level it was in some ways like having 1 child (in others not!). You don't say the ages of the twins and there is a big difference between having school-aged twins and baby or toddler twins. That is much harder than having two with an age gap!

I am not saying this is the way to go, I am just offering a different perspective and different experience.

Thanks so much to everyone for their really helpful feedback and perspectives.

Much appreciated!