Feels like I’m failing 10 years on 😢

[SwimmingAgainstTheCurrent]

My Daughter (now 12) is becoming more and more challenging to Parent. I’ve never felt so lonely or feel the level of despair I currently feel.

I can honestly say, the day we met her at 2.5 years old it was instant love at first sight. Our connection/attachment was instant and so strong. To both my husband and I. That strong, SW brought forward her moving in day. She was so distressed when we left her to go home.

Fast forward through the years. She’s always been demanding and “hard work” as some might describe her. We have been through CAMHS for neurodivergent assessments - outcome was anxiety and her early start in life. Personally, I see traits of ASD but they made me feel I was chasing a diagnosis (not true) so I accepted and walked away with the outcome.

We have paid privately for counselling in relation to her social and emotional development.

She’s previously been picked up by Educational Psychologist at school (outcome was the teachers needed support and not her - she was misunderstood)

School nursing team currently engaging and about to start the LIAM program.

I feel helpless. Her unregulated behaviours the older and stronger she is becoming are unmanageable. She’s attacking me in anger - and hurting me in the process. She is destroying our home by throwing and smashing anything she can get her hands on. Her unregulated states can last 3 hours. She’s refusing to attend school S1. Her level of anxiety is increasing to the point she’s absolutely demand avoidance. She’s literally not left the house since Saturday. Even getting her to wash is difficult.

She is starting to use terminology like “go kill yourself”.

If I agree to her demands, allow her to watch TV whilst eating and drinking all day then she would appear to be the happiest girl.

Two days in a row I have made the decision to leave her home whilst I walk the dog. I come back thinking ‘that would have helped’ and nope … no change.

She speaks to us in such a a disrespectful manner - the language she uses would curl your toes.

I parent her in a way that advocates natural consequences’ for example - if she smashes her TV that means no TV. If shes unkind to someone over her mobile - then the mobile goes away.

The thing is … she’s accepts the consequences until they naturally fizzle out. As I said earlier - she would happily stay home and not leave the house!

I love her SO much, but right now I feel scared, alone and vulnerable and can’t help but think what does the future look like for her and us?

Any support and guidance appreciated x

From a desperate Mum xxx

I'm so sorry you are struggling, you sound worn out.

She's not doing this to you, she's doing this in front of you. You both sound so distressed. Have you done NVR training? I found that worthwhile. I'm guessing you're in Scotland, so no ASF? What's post adoption support like?

I've PM'd you, but I do recommend NVR training if you can get it.

Edited to add more support, rather than just the practical- you're not failing. You're doing your best.

Thank you. I will PM back x

Hi. I'm so sorry. My girls are 25 and 26 now but we had loads of issues through the years.

Firstly, are you in England? If so you could get therapeutic involvement from the adoption support fund. Contact your regional adoption support agency.

Secondly, again England, you could apply for an ehc plan yourself. You might need to get support from a support organisation like SOS!SEN.

Thirdly, you might to join this group, which is for parents of adopted teens, and you are just about there www.thepotatogroup.org.uk

She isn't going to suddenly change and it sounds like things are escalating. I hope you get some help xx

Post adoption support in Scotland is a bit hit and miss, to say the least.

How long ago was her neuro assessment? Things can change particularly as girls go into puberty, I'd ask for reassessment. There's a lot of overlap between ASD/ADHD and developmental trauma, so I'm not entirely surprised they're saying it's her "early start" in life, so what are they doing to support her and you going forward? There are various therapies that can be really helpful but getting through CAMHS gate keeping is hard work, but I've found them really good once I argued DD into the service.

Are they thinking her behaviour is a "behaviour" issue rather than a developmental one? If so what support are you getting for parenting her behaviour? Does your area have a service for emotion based school refusal, if she hasn't been at school this term she should have been referred long before now, you can also press the school for alternative provision if she isn't able to access education. Does your local authority have virtual school for care experienced young people?

Lots of questions but there are various places to get support but, as I'm sure you know, you have to really stand your ground and tell them what you need (repeatedly). The organisation Enquire is a good place to start in terms of support for children who have complex needs.

You aren't failing, my DD is 13 and this year has been incredibly challenging - it's a whole new parenting lesson.

Thank you for taking the time to respond. We are in Scotland. I will take a look at the websites thank you.

We received the outcome report March / April time. They discharged her saying School Nurse team would facilitate support via the LIAM program. During assessment they kept referring to Primary School not seeing what we see at home (that’s because she masked) but I would say High School are seeing a different child. They have been so supportive to us and her but it’s early days. I’m praying it settles down once 1st term over but I’m so upset for her, knowing she’s in such a state. Which then leads to chaos at home.

She does attend but is often late, misses classes or becomes so overwhelmed that they give her quiet time. She wrote me a letter tonight as she finds it easier that way. Her letter says it’s noisy, busy and she feels she doesn’t belong there. She wants home schooled (unfortunately not an option) She’s already in the smallest High School out of the 3 in our area.

You also make a valid point re puberty - I think I also need to give that more thought and also try and educate her a little more about the changes she’s maybe experiencing/feeling. I’ve tried to talk about it a few times but she gets so embarrassed and ends the chat.

She’s currently meditating in bed - I’m praying it does the trick and she drops off.

I think it’s amazing she wrote you a letter to tell how she’s feeling - she’s communicating with you! I would keep encouraging the letter writing.

In my opinion, what she has told you speaks volumes - high school is too busy and noisy for her. I’d talk to the school again about this. There must be a way they can work with this and support her needs…

What does she do during breaks and lunchtime? Is there a quiet and safe space she can go to? Can she start and finish school a little earlier or later to avoid the crowds? Is home tutoring, even for a few hours per week an option to reduce school time?