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Adoption

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Solo adoption and working query

16 replies

queenbess89 · 25/09/2024 12:20

Hello,

I was hoping some of the collective experience of the people here could help me out.

I am current considering adopting as a single person, after many years single and no real desire to change that but a consistent and persistent desire to be a parent I have reached adoption as the option open to me that feels ‘right’. I have been researching and reading for the past couple of years as well as working in an area with children where I have witnessed first hand some of the most challenging parts of being an adoptive parent as well as supporting some young people through mental health crisis and adoption breakdown. Let’s says I’m not going in blind…

My current big sticking point is actually my job. As a single adopter I really will need to be able to continue working and I also happen to really love my job and great a great sense of fulfilment out of what I do. However, it’s in the NHS and I currently work both night and day shifts of 12.5 hours… and I’m really struggling to reconcile parenting an adoptive child who may or may not have attachment difficulties with potentially not seeing them for an entire day, or not being there at night… I am hoping that my parents (who I feel parented me in a way that is very much in line with a therapeutic approach and who would be very supportive of that parenting style) would be able to offer child care, but I also don’t want to turn them into parents all over again. They are very much enjoying being retired!

I’m not even really sure what I’m asking… maybe for opinions on if there are ways for me to keep my current job (also, most of the jobs in my field would have similar working hours…) utilising having set shifts and a generally supportive working environment. Or if you think this is entirely unworkable and I need to give myself more time to reconcile to the inevitable job change. I would need to do this before adopting or risk having to pay back all the adoption/mat leave enhancements!

Thank you in advance for your thoughts… I’ve read back about 5 years work of posts on this forum and all the people who give such consistent and valuable advice to all the people like me who are just pitching up are incredible.

OP posts:
Arran2024 · 25/09/2024 13:13

Hi. I really think the night shifts will be a problem but you never know. You can always approach an agency and start the approval process. People often change their minds about stuff that seems unchangeable as things progress, or you may be able to get your employer to give you standard shifts in light of your situation.

The thing is that you are hugely limiting the children available to you if you have such serious limitations on your availability.

Your parents would have to be dbs checked at the very least if they are providing childcare and social services might not even allow it.

You might end up with a very difficult to place child as their social worker sees you as having few alternatives. Alternatively you could get a child considered easy because your sw fights for you to get someone you could realistically cope with.

Both are possible.

I have known several single adopters and usually they have taken on older, very difficult children and it hasn't always worked out.

I think it's worth approaching agencies to see what they say, but be prepared to be challenged on the working hours and using your parents as childcare.

Good luck

rabblenotrebel · 25/09/2024 15:37

I echo that the night shifts could be an issue. It all depends on the child's needs, and that will have so much more uncertainty with a younger child. You could end up with a child unable to attend school (there's a 'SEND crisis') that no one else can look after.

If you're looking at older children, where the needs are known, maybe one who already has their EHCP in place, and significant school support if needed, and they sleep well, then it could be fine. Especially if you have good social support (e.g. family members happy to do the childcare.)

How old are your parents? Could they manage a child with behaviours that challenge?

The answer with everything in adoption is 'it depends'. If you're looking to adopt a baby with all the uncertainties and needs there, then I could envisage your job needing to change. If an older child with known needs, then working two nights a week could give you the time you need with them to sit and decompress from school, support homework etc.

Ted27 · 25/09/2024 17:54

Hi

I'm a single adopter and as @rabblenotrebel says the short answer it depends.

To take some of your specific points
There is no reason at all why grandparents cannot be your childcare. Getting a DBS is not an issue. The real issues are - do they want to and is it feasible. How old are they ? Are theyfit and healthy. Think about what they may be like in 5 years, 10 years, are they a realistic long term option.
Night shifts could be an issue. Children need routine - if the night shift changed every week that is more problematic than say grandparents picking them up from school every Thursday, giving them tea, putting to bed, t aking them to school and you are there the next day.
That'd potentially workable. The problem is you may not know if its workable till you try it.
I really loathe this phrase ' hard to place'
Hard to place can be because of age, ethnicity, sex, or they just need to be out of county, not necessarily that they are any more complex or difficult than a younger child. I'm sitting next to my now 20 year old hard to place child. We have had our challenges along the way. But he has held down a job for 2 years and has just started his second year at university. He lives independently and is pretty much financially independent. He was hard to place because he was an 8 year old mixed race boy.
I know dozens of families who had the mythical easy to place, healthy baby who has turned out to be far more complex than my son.
So the issue for you here is to think very carefully about age. Personally I think older children, ie school age children are better when you are single. The advantage of an older child is that more is known about them. Mine came complete with EHCP and DLA in place. Saved me a huge amount of stress and hassle.
They will be in school so childcare is issues are reduced, though you still need to take into account 13 weeks of school holidays, random inset days, snow days etc.
Which brings things back to work. The key thing you need is flexibility. What if your child struggles with school, has lots of therapy apps etc. Could you manage if you had to go part time.
Look into what benefits you could potentially claim.
When I started looking into adoption my finances needed a bit of work. I had a great job I loved but it wasn't flexible or child friendly. It took me nearly two years to get in the right place financially and the right job.
So, it you looked at everything and concluded it isn't workable, what changes could you make over the next year or two. What are you prepared to change, sacrifice, compromise on to make it happen ?

Ted27 · 25/09/2024 20:49

@Arran2024

Why do you think SW would not allow grandparents to do childcare.
It's nothing to do with them
Assuming she takes a year adoption leave and has the AO before she returns to work, the child will be legally hers and she can do what she likes with regard to childcare. SWs will not be involved

tonyhawks23 · 25/09/2024 22:14

I think you sound like you have a lot to offer a child and are doing the right thing thinking around options. I wonder if your job could work in locum positions - that seems to work well for parenting sometimes - being able to choose your hours more?
Another thought I had, like a PP said a regular sleepover can work well for everyone - my sisters children go to her mil every friday night for a fun sleepover -its really lovely and works well as regular and completely part of the routine.
I would save as much as possible to take as much adoption leave as possible, but could work if it could work. Its hard to predict how things may be but you are thinking around things and thats a really good start.

Arran2024 · 25/09/2024 22:22

Ted27 · 25/09/2024 20:49

@Arran2024

Why do you think SW would not allow grandparents to do childcare.
It's nothing to do with them
Assuming she takes a year adoption leave and has the AO before she returns to work, the child will be legally hers and she can do what she likes with regard to childcare. SWs will not be involved

I'm talking about before the adoption order primarily. But if the plan is for the GPS to provide childcare, well some social workers may not be happy with that and won't want to place a child under these circumstances.

GPS are not being assessed and are not trained. It could all fall apart if the GPS can't cope. It is a big ask, unlike paying for professional childcare. And some sws won't entertain it.

Arran2024 · 25/09/2024 22:24

tonyhawks23 · 25/09/2024 22:14

I think you sound like you have a lot to offer a child and are doing the right thing thinking around options. I wonder if your job could work in locum positions - that seems to work well for parenting sometimes - being able to choose your hours more?
Another thought I had, like a PP said a regular sleepover can work well for everyone - my sisters children go to her mil every friday night for a fun sleepover -its really lovely and works well as regular and completely part of the routine.
I would save as much as possible to take as much adoption leave as possible, but could work if it could work. Its hard to predict how things may be but you are thinking around things and thats a really good start.

My adopted children could never do sleepovers for all sorts of reasons. This is part of the problem - traumatised children can't necessarily slot into basic family routines.

rabblenotrebel · 25/09/2024 22:45

Arran2024 · 25/09/2024 22:22

I'm talking about before the adoption order primarily. But if the plan is for the GPS to provide childcare, well some social workers may not be happy with that and won't want to place a child under these circumstances.

GPS are not being assessed and are not trained. It could all fall apart if the GPS can't cope. It is a big ask, unlike paying for professional childcare. And some sws won't entertain it.

And a few years in when no professional childcare will take your child due to their needs ,social workers will say "can't your parents help more??"

Parents and support are assessed as part of the process. We were never told we couldn't choose babysitters for ourselves, even pre-adoption order.

IME that sort of hard line approach wasn't taken. At placement, we were trusted to make sure they were well cared for. And if that meant grandma playing for a bit while I nipped out, that's fine. No DBS needed. Although, having a grandparent who wouldn't pass s DBS would likely come out in assessment!

Arran2024 · 26/09/2024 09:00

rabblenotrebel · 25/09/2024 22:45

And a few years in when no professional childcare will take your child due to their needs ,social workers will say "can't your parents help more??"

Parents and support are assessed as part of the process. We were never told we couldn't choose babysitters for ourselves, even pre-adoption order.

IME that sort of hard line approach wasn't taken. At placement, we were trusted to make sure they were well cared for. And if that meant grandma playing for a bit while I nipped out, that's fine. No DBS needed. Although, having a grandparent who wouldn't pass s DBS would likely come out in assessment!

I agree. But some sws expect some kind of utopia and can be really hard-line on issues like childcare. Tbf they probably have experience of people's support networks disappearing after a child is placed and so have good reasons to be wary about family support being built into the solution.

Bumblebeebumblebeebum · 26/09/2024 10:35

I was in an almost identical situation to you five years ago. I adopted a baby and all was well whilst I was on adoption leave but it quickly became apparent that shift work just didn’t work for dd and I. Nights she stayed with my parents and were awful and really unsettled her and it want fair on my parents.

The unpredictable shifts were really hard to arrange for childcare. I switched to role I love far less but it gave us both predictability and works for us.

Grandparents still help hugely but they also know where they stand as although they were incredibly supportive before, it wasn’t fair as they were always waiting for my roster to come out to know when I’d need them for childcare. They never grumbled and adore dd but deserve to be able to plans and live their lives too.

Hope this helps!

sunshineandskyscrapers · 26/09/2024 17:33

Have you spoken to your parents about this to sound them out about their level of involvement? You've said you don't want them to turn into parents again, but how do they feel? My Dad is very much enjoying all that retirement offers. He usually comes over once a week to spend time with my son and the time they spend together is so good for both of them, but to ask any more of him gets quite tiring for him it also means he needs to compromise on other areas of his life. Some grandparents are in their grandchildren's lives all the time, and that's great, if that's what works in that family, but I feel like this only works when the grandparents have opted in to that life, rather than just having an expectation that they are the default babysitters.

In terms of the nightshifts, how do you see that working? Having your parents coming to stay at yours would be a lot easier for a child to manage then to have the child needing to move between two houses, which would feel quite unsettling. The occasional sleepover can be fun, but our children need to feel stability in where they sleep without having regular changes through the week.

So I think ultimately the answers lie with your parents rather than on this board. If it's not how they imagined their retirement playing out then I think you need to rethink your career choices.

Jellycatspyjamas · 27/09/2024 08:44

The thing with work is that, depending on your child's needs, your working life is likely to need to change anyway. I changed jobs during the adoption process because my working hours were too unpredictable and I worked away from home a lot. I found a more compatible job, when part time, increased my hours, changed job again all adjusting to my kids needs.

Simply put the more options you have in terms of work the better. Try to have a few different options eg if your child has a lot of health appointments, can't tolerate childcare, etc. I'd also think about older children because their needs tend to be more apparent though it still can be hard to predict what things will look like day by day.

Also have a look at different jobs through the eyes of being a parent. There were a few different options for work that I hadn't known about or considered because I hadn't needed to. Once you start planning with a child in mind you might see things you didn't know might work.

Chocapple · 27/09/2024 12:56

Hello ! Single adopter of an 8 year old boy here.

In a nutshell you would need to be prepared for absolutely anything. As there is no way to know what a child could or not cope with. Children with 'no issues, difficulties' very often turn out to be very complex.

E.g some adopted children can cope with school, before/after school club, grandparents care. And the adopter working full time or part time.

Some adopted children can only cope with the school day and the adopter has to give up work. As there is no other childcare that the child can cope with

Some adopted children cant cope with school and spend years doing 1-2 hours a day, being regularly excluded, weeks/months of not being able to go to school. Lots of school moves. Or needing to be Home Educated. So the adopter can't work or works very very very part time.

Would your parents be able to cope with 'behaviours' that your child could very well have. There is no way of knowing if they would or not. E.g hitting, kicking, biting them. Breaking tv, or other items, weeing, pooing on the floor, smearing, shouting, crying, saying "you've just hit me" at the top of their voice. Or throwing things. Be very realistic. Would your parents be willing to look after a child like this at all, let alone for regular and hours long childcare ?? My parents and family had offered childcare but very quickly said a very firm NO.

The reality of Adoption is very very different to what the Adoption Agencies tell you. 70% of adoptive families experience child to parent violence. 2/3 of families are facing significant challenges or are in crisis.

Adoption requires nerves of steel, lots and lots of time every week battling with schools and trying to get professional support.

You could get a child that could cope with what you suggest, but this is extremely unlikely.

My son came here aged 4. He 'has a few challenges but you will be able to work full time no problems". That was complete hogwash. I returned to work part time for a few weeks before giving up. My son is actually incredibly complex and has very high additional needs. There is zero chance of any childcare... my parents can cope for 20 mins whilst I have an appointment. Any family gatherings we do go to we last 1 hour max and then there is hours of screaming, shouting, violence afterwards. My son lasted 3 years in the education system and various tried and failed schools. We are now home Educating.

I am a member of a local Adopters group that has 500 families in it. Most of the families the Adopters are in similar situations. A tiny handful of children are doing well and parents working full time.

A lot of adopted children take hours to get to sleep, wake up in the night, spend years co sleeping with their parents.

My son is my absolute life. But the reality of Adoption has been very very very difficult.

This is not designed to scare you off.... just to very clearly show that this is what a lot of Adopters are experiencing.

There are scores of Adopters who adopted babies/toddlers with no known/expected issues. Then by the time they are 6,7,8 they have been diagnosed with ADHD, ASD, sensory issues etc. And the relatively easy child has become incredibly challenging.

To adopt you will need to have an incredibly open mind to "prepare for the worst and hope things are better than that".

What would you do if you adopted a child and then found out that you couldn't return to work ? You would need to be able to live on benefits.

An adopted child is not like having a birth child.

For every story that you hear of "my adopted child can do X,y, a... there will be many many more that cant.

Torvy · 27/09/2024 15:14

So many voices of experience above that said what I would say.

I've returned to work part time, and even that has caused significant stress in our household.

In a way, returning to my old career with people I work with has almost been harder because I simply can't give it the same level of dedication. I feel bad, and guilty - imposter syndrome, almost, because I loved what I did and other people are so used to me being so competent that only having 3 days to do it in makes it incredibly hard to maintain the same standards. However, I now have 2 days of unpaid work a week - one morning goes on therapy, one day is on cleaning and housekeeping and extraneous appointments, and so I get two hours on a Friday afternoon to either do some extra cleaning or life admin. And I'm in the lucky percentage of adopters who is able to do even that. I can acknowledge that level of privilege in that respect.

However, I'm also aware that this won't be forever. At some point I will be able to go back into the job I love with full force, even if that's 20 years from now. It's a different season of my life. There is grief with that, but there is also the opportunity for me to do something significant and important with my own family as well. Had you asked me this before I adopted, I would have been 100% on the return to work asap (and in fact, I'm sure somewhere there is a thread about me grieving my career), so those feelings are valid and complicated, but when the needs of the kids dictated what was best for them, my priorities gradually shifted.

Luckily, it turns out that our children can (so far) tolerate some level of wraparound childcare, but the precarious nature of it is difficult for me to tolerate personally. It is very stressful. One broken cog brings the whole thing tumbling down, and my children just bloody love sticking rocks into machinery. It threw us completely off balance for 3 weeks when the childminder tried to drop the youngest off at the wrong school, we had meltdowns because he felt like I wasn't dropping him off somewhere safe. He hasn't had any untoward incidents with her (yet), but the anxiety of knowing that she could just turn round and say she doesn't want to take care of him any more because he is too difficult is often overwhelming. I can't rely on grandparents alone because it is too much for them, and they are eager to spend time with them, fit and active for their age. But still, it is not an easy ask. And there was absolutely no way of knowing whether that would be possible prior to the adoption process. If I'm brutally honest, we took a gamble in that it would work out this year, because we only put childcare into place as I started my new job. It is good luck (and tbf through lots of research and preparation) that it hasn't fallen apart just yet, but it will take a long time for me to be able to trust that it will stay like that. That's nearly two years after adopting them, and is only 3 days of consistent before and after school care a week, term time only, supported by visual timetables, EHCP support, early collections, the full shebang.

Not only that, but childcare is exhausting for my children. They keep themselves together (just about) for it, but it means that all those emotions are then squeezed into the edges of the day, right when I'm knackered. It's a big ask for them, and I do it because I believe that having a mother who is mentally in a better place because she who has some intellectual stimulation other than trying to remember all the names of dinosaurs featured on Dino Dana is probably better for them than the alternative, but it is still a big ask for them. I feel guilty for making them be in childcare so that I get to go to work to fulfil my own needs of feeling useful and needing to talk to other adults. It is only because my children have the limited tolerance that they do that I'm able to achieve this. It may well be that your child cannot tolerate it, and you will need to be prepared for how you will manage it. I have come to accept that if my children struggle too much, I will have to be the one to give up what I'm doing to care for them. And that's hard to accept.

On a practical level, it sounds like your routine can be tricky and unpredictable. Shift work is one thing, but I can imagine that if you are depending on your child to be quiet at different times, or on different days per week, it could get tricky really quickly. My children cannot bear to watch me sleep. It triggers a deep anxiety in them to know that I am unable to care for them because I am not watching them, and so expecting to be able to nap in the house when they are there, even if there is someone else to care for them, is nigh on impossible. So that potentially leaves either you or your child not being able to be in the house when you sleep.

None of this is saying don't do it, or that it is impossible, because children can be surprisingly robust in many ways. It is saying be realistic about what you will be able to do and a potential child will be able to cope with. If a child has never really had to tolerate group care, you may find that they struggle extensively with nursery. If you have a teeny tiny baby, maybe they will get used to nursery if they go regularly, and it will be ok, but do you have nurseries in your area that will be able to take her for the hours you need? And what will you do if they don't? If you adopt an older child, they might never have had before and after school clubs, and might see it as a rejection, or just simply not be able to tolerate it. Then again, they might embrace the extra playtime with their friends. Or they might have a tricky period, but settle down into it. Or might work best with different providers. It is much harder if the routine is all over the place or particularly variable too, as it feels inconsistent for the child. Those routines you can build with a stable routine become more fluid, and the child may find that hard - so the cafe you always get coffee from on a Thursday before dropping them off at the childminders is closed because your shift is the early one. Or the treat you always have on a Friday can't be kept each time because you are on nights some of the the time. My children hang their hat on what happens on each day of the week during school term times, and it helps to anchor them to what is happening and what to expect. They relish the routine. God forbid a Friday should pass and we don't go to the newsagents to buy our pack of Haribo.....but then again you could always build a routine around a McDonalds that is open 24 hours, parks that don't get locked overnight, you can buy a pack of Haribo to eat in the car if you are organised.... so maybe that's something to consider. The point is, it is impossible to know or predict whether your child will need the level of support before you have them, and if you are the sole parent, the task of accommodating that is entirely on your shoulders. Whether they can or they can't tolerate it, or to what extent you can find a workaround for the greater good of the family unit, you need to be prepared to recognise that it may well be a long old process to get them to the point where other people can care for them safely and effectively.

Anyway, nothing is impossible, but that is a different question to what is preferable and tolerable for both you and your children. Nothing will be perfect, but be prepared for things to take much longer than you think they will, or to have signficant costs (both financial and emotional) that will impact on your decision.

PoppyStellar · 28/09/2024 21:11

Some really good info and advice so far. I’m a single adopter. I’d very much agree that ‘it depends’

My DD (around 3 when she came home) was ‘easy’ on paper. I had years of poor sleeping, including years of co sleeping and DD not being able to sleep anywhere without me. She could, however, cope with after school clubs, friends babysitting (as long as she could stay awake til I got home. Kind of curtailed my social life a bit!!)

I needed the flexibility of working from home and working term time only. I was fortunate this was possible because I work in education. She wouldn’t have coped with me working night shifts.

Both my parents were very keen to help but both got seriously ill relatively young (late 60s) and passed away. They probably were able to help for about 5 years max post placement.

As she’s got older DD’s needs have become more obvious and she has some significant SEN but I am still able to work (part time at moment but full time up until last year).

My support network, which includes some extended family and a core of amazing friends has been essential. As a single adopter building that support network has been absolutely vital.

TLDR: It depends. I was able to work but DD had major sleep problems for about 7 years. Parents wanted to help but got ill. Support network vital. Ask for post adoption support early.

FWIW teen DD is doing really well now and even managed a recent short trip abroad without me. I wish I could have told me 7 years ago that this would be possible!

badgerpatrol · 01/10/2024 12:52

I adopted a 18months old as a solo adopter.
I was expecting to have an older child placed with me but that's how it all worked out.
I don't have any family support (parents deceased) locally so my only options are paid childcare.

Took 1 year off work.

Have just returned to work, the role I was hoping to return to has disappeared, I have a new much more flexible (WFH, within office hours, part time).
Role is luckily paid fairly well and covers most of my bills (childcare currently costs more than my mortgage).
I have/had savings to cover the shortfall and have mentally scrapped any other plans for that money as I'm going to have to use it just to survive.

None of the above was in my 'plan' for adoption/parenting.

With adoption 90% is out of your hands/unknowable/unplannable. You have to meet the child where they are at. My child was in care since birth (same FCs & SW) but none of them really knew her. The paperwork truly didn't reflect the child I met, or the child I have now.
I have adapted to try and give us both fighting chance. What she needs (as much as possible) I give her.

My job has to fit in with her/us - not the other way round. I appreciate this is a place of privilege.
Many solo adopters seem to be on UC rather than work and I am very grateful I have a job which works for my situation.

The process to adopt can seem quite hard, but nothing compared to actually raising a child. You have to have strength, resilience and so importantly the ability to flex.

I'm your position I'd look for a more family friendly role now rather having to under pressure.
Even if your parents are keen to help, this may not always be the case, plus they may have unexpected health limitations etc.

In 12 months I've had 2 nights away from my child. I would love to have more Grin but actually even though my child enjoyed it, it's not something I would imagine doing on a regular basis, unfortunately you have to be there to parent.

I used to love my old job & work in general, now I couldn't care less, I do it because it pays the bills and to keep my brain active, but my whole focus has completely changed.

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