Keeping sentimental items

[Beetham]

Hi all, just wanted some wisdom from those with older children about keeping items verses getting rid of them.

Youngest dd came to me with shed loads of stuff, some from birth family but lots and lots from foster carer. I had a friend's people carrier going up and down the M1 packed to the brim during trasitions. Some stuff I've already got rid of, some is obviously kept safely (hospital wristbands, different 'first' items, special gifts etc.). But others I'm not sure, they are things from her early days but we have sooo much of it, they feel special now but when she's 18 will it hold meaning, or are we just pushing the problem down the road?

I'm erring towards keeping the very important/special stuff, then taking photos (and labeling so we can rembeber what they are) of the rest and donating them. But before I do wanted to hear from others with older adopted children or adopted adults about what they wish they'd done?

This topic seems to be quite divisive. You get some people who have parents who kept everything then 'burdened them with it', some with parents who didn't keep anything who wish there were some remnants of their childhoods...some somewhere in between. I guess some might have fond memories of particular families/houses and it's nice to have something from that time to keep, whereas others do not. Really tough to speak on behalf of individuals as they'll think in the future.

I think the consensus I got from the similar thread (though not specifically about adopted DC) a few weeks ago was keep the stuff you want to keep, appreciate that it might only ever be appreciated by you and for your own personal trips down memory lane. Perhaps your children will value looking in the box and hearing you reminisce one day, perhaps they won't. Perhaps they'll want to one day take ownership of the items, perhaps they won't. Have no expectations of them and do it for you if you have a calling to. Maybe there are a few items with particular resonance from part of their journey which might be worth including so you can speak about what brought them to you?

I have a smallish box of things from my DC, the first clothes they wore, drawings they've done, one or two outfits from their early years that I have fond memories of, books I loved reading to them. Eventually their fave teddies will likely go in the box I imagine. I intend to go through it periodically and make sure everything in there is still worthy of the space (thinking about drawings for example, atm it's a bit of a catch all for art, so would want to go through and just select a few per year). Even if they have no interest in ever having it this will be the box which contains their childhood. I'll cherish it for me.

I'm going through stuff gradually with my son now. He is 20.
I'd kept pretty much everything.
He always had tons of teddies, he has no real interest in keeping them but we sorted into 3 piles - bin, charity shop and keep. We had a nice afternoon reminiscing about where each one had come from and agreeing what he really should keep.
He used to be a great reader, really no interest now but even he could see that there were some we should keep for his future children eg really nice special editions of the complete works of Paddington
Tons of DVDs - again a nice afternoon reminiscing but they will all go when I can find a way of recycling because he can stream anything.
Currently going through mountains of paperwork.
I do feel most of it has to be their decision.

My daughters have never had any interest in any sentimental items. I think it is related to their lack of object constancy - I don't know if you have come across this but it affects a lot of neglected children. An adoption therapist called Holly van Gulden used to lecture on it. It is about knowing that the cup you put down is the same cup that you had yesterday, and lots of adopted kids don't know it. They missed out on a key developmental stage.

Anyway, so my two don't really understand possessions. They want new stuff allvthe time. They can't relate to old stuff.

And so bit by bit we got rid of everything. I was more sentimentally attached to some of it than they were!

I'd keep stuff and let the child decide when older. Obviously, you cannot keep every single thing but I'd try and keep a lot of things for them to decide when older.

Thanks all, that was helpful to think about. I'd hate to be in the position where I've thrown stuff that we later regret because DD would've wanted them. I will start donating some stuff (trampoline that takes up loads of space in the playroom but that she's gone on once for a start!). And label other things and put them in the loft.

FC is quite a sentimental woman and so it's been hard to discern what was important and what wasn't, but as FCs feelings of loss has subsided and we've established a really good relationship I will also try speaking to her about some of the stuff. Some toys were just bought and sent to me but she's never played with them either with FC or now, but I don't know which ones are which!