Anybody who is going into adopting and isnt feeling at least a tiny bit nervous hasn't done enough research 😆
But I think you need to balance it out. To some extent, you need to be working heavily on reducing the anxiety because you will end up having a breakdown if the level of emotions isn't dealt with and you may have a child who is very responsive to that. My children provoke anxiety in me in so many different ways, and I have to work so hard to not let it allow me to try and overly control their behaviours. From physical shenanigans to bring worried about their mental health to debating whether they are in enough clubs, whether they will run their smart mouths to the wrong person in the future.... It is a whole set of new anxieties that I'm happy to say has to some extent replaced my old ones. However, I work hard to ensure that my worries aren't shaping their life, that I don't over coach them in social situations, and that some stuff I just keep in perspective or let go.
One thing that stood out to me was your note that you don't show emotions. I'm wondering whether that is related to anxiety (I might lose my job if I did) or a sort of pride (I'm just not that type of person). Each of those has a drawback. Your job may have to change if it causes you rant mgh anxiety there. Your adopted child will need to see you model how to deal with strong emotions effectively. They need to see you be nervous, angry, sad and cross so that they have a framework of how best to deal with it. It can't be an act either, because that's not sustainable. You could keep it up for a bit, but goodness me it will come rip-roaring out when the chips are down.
The other thing I wanted to note was that you seem to be aware of your ways of coping (sorting the sock drawer, tidying) which is good. It sounds much more healthy than downing tequila slammers or mainlining 12 bars of chocolate. However, as a coping mechanism, it seems more vulnerable when you live with an AC, because quite a few AC I know (mine 100% included), tend to recreate their internal chaos externally. It's nigh on impossible for my two to keep anything in a box, they gleefully scatter Lego like it is confetti and mealtimes look like an all out bar brawl has gone wrong. They use paired socks as cannon balls to keep the bad guys at bay and when they are cross, upend baskets of both clean and dirty laundry down the stairs, mainly because they have to have a way to get me to feel the unbearable internal feelings they have, and they know that I will be cross about having to pick up and sort out the laundry once more. The panicked look on my face as I dash towards them in a vain attempt to prevent the dirty load going on top of the clean load was clearly intensely satisfying to my roaring 3 year old who couldn't get me to see how badly he needed to have the screwdriver I had just confiscated from him for trying to put it in an electric socket. I'm also not saying shovelling 3 kitkats down your throat on a school night is a good idea, but it can be done as you stick your head in the fridge and silently stick your middle finger up at them behind the door before taking a deep breath and entering into the fray once more to take the child currently rolling round in the laundry like Scrooge mcduck in his golden coins up to do bath and bed with a forced smile on your face rather than losing your shit.
To some extent, a lot of this will be worked out naturally. Stuff that I was anxious about previously, I no longer have the energy for. I couldn't give two hoots if my kids note my big belly very loudly in public, or if my manager at work sees my skip on wheels (sorry, car) as I leave on the dot, or if there is a snail on my kitchen table because it's more important to me that i keep to the kids routine and retain some semblance of sanity.
Becoming a mum has meant I have had to become honest about confronting the very best and worst traits of myself. I have had to reckon with the fact that I avoid confrontation, try to ameliorate situations, and do not call stuff out for fear of hurting other people. It did my kids no good. They need me to match them, blow for blow, advocate for them and push them, and I can't do that if I'm too busy worrying about the small stuff. But it has taken a lot of work and confidence building to get to this stage. My partner and I have had to have some absolutely brutal conversations where we got into the real granular detail about why we did what we did. Even this weekend, we argued on Sunday, and had to track it back to what I was actually cross about- that I had waited to eat dinner with her on Saturday and she didn't tell me early enough she wanted to go to bed early and I was disappointed because I wanted to chill and watch TV and eat pizza with her, and was also a bit jealous she got to go out with her friends and mine had cancelled the week before. However instead we spent all of Sunday sniping about inconsequential stuff because I was irritable and (here's the kicker) we spoiled our own day. The kids realised it, fed off it and were bouncing off the ceilings because of it. We talked, agreed to message one another if plans change and reconciled, all good, but the point is that Sunday was a write off because I had fallen back into old habits and hadn't dealt with the issue on Saturday, and assumed I would feel better by the Sunday. When she didn't magically know to apologise and bring me a consolatory cup of tea in bed, I was cross and decided to suffer in silence, and she obviously didnt understand, so was miffed right back at me. Ultimately, the consequence we missed out on what could have been a lovely day out and had a mediocre, slightly argumentative day instead.
I feel bad because we are trying to have successful days with our kids, and Sunday didn't go well not because of them but because of me.
I say all of this not because I want to add to your anxiety, but because examples of the granular detail become supremely important to certain aspects of your life. It is 100% worth sweating some of the small stuff like a missed text, because it is symbolic of the communication you have with your partner and the relationship you have. Kids will test and put pressure on it, and it becomes clear quite quickly where the stress points are. You should have some realistic strategies to manage that conflict that aren't ignoring it or hoping they can read your mind. You have to be able to tell the other one that they are going too fast or not fast enough because when the kids are involved, you have to do it for them. My wife has to be able to tell me that I'm being sulky when we are trying to make Sunday plans, and I have to be able to tell her she was being inconsiderate when she didn't message me, or how else will it be resolved? What are we modelling to the kids, that it's ok to just accept your partner's inconsiderate or sulky actions? And so that drive to do better and be better is both painful (who likes to admit they are being sulky?) but necessary if not for you, but for the kids.
You tend to find that most adoptive families are quite chilled out because throughout the process of adoption there is so little you can control outside of yourself that you quickly learn to distinguish what you can and can't control, and the bits you can (your relationships, self care, your temper), you have to do the work on them because otherwise you would be desperately unhappy and the kids you love will be too. It's impossible to fake, especially around hypervigilant kids.
So, all of this is to suggest that you and your husband have an honest conversation. The chances of you getting into anything too fast are slim to none. It's a bit like me saying I'm worried about how to look my best for the photo at the finishing line of a marathon- it's such a long way into the future with so many things to happen that there is literally no point in worrying about it now. The system is designed to build in waiting times, processing times, interminable chewing off your own leg with boredom times. But knowing that fact gives you the chance to discuss with your husband the way his momentum makes you feel off balance. His response to that will help you to work out your next priorities. Do you need to work on your communication skills? Is it that he doesn't know how you feel? Or doesn't care? Do you feel unable to give 100% because you are worried you will add fuel to his fire and start something you can't stop? If so, do you feel like you are his emotional brake? Could you maintain that if you had to deal with kids too?
As ever, it's a long post, but the examples and questions given and asked are to highlight the reality of living with adopted kids. Their special blend of hyper vigilance, bluntness and hyperactivity means that living with my boys is a genuine joy, but also tears away at any papering over the cracks. They deserve to have parents who can be vulnerable and strong and honest and nuanced all at the same time, but the work it takes to be that parent is so emotionally hard that it has taken us a long time to get where we are, and we definitely don't always get it right. I wish we had started earlier, and that's what you have a chance to do.