Hand hold needed

[EG88]

My amazing AD is 5 and recently started school. He is an extremely gentle natured and a lover of home, peacefulness and the 25 cuddly teddies and comfort blankets that he sleeps with. Every day, at drop off he tells me is is scared to go onto his classroom. He is a bit of an internalized of emotions so every day I talk him through his feelings but ultimately, tell him he needs to take a deep breath and go into his class. Every afternoon he comes out and says he had a great day. But ... it is breaking my heart watching him take a deep breath, wipe his eyes and head off every morning. Together we had an extremely traumatic Early Permanence which involved lengthy and distressing contact sessions untill he was 3.5 years old. I feel worried that by telling him to go in (where he is met by a deeply caring teacher) I'm somehow negating his feelings of fear. I want him to know Ill always listen to him but I also want him in school. I'd just really welcome some gentle advice or tips from those who have walked this road. I'm a single adopter in need of a sounding board x

I'm a teacher as well as an adoptive parent and I know exactly how you feel. I have taught countless infants who sob coming into school but have a great time once they are in. I've seen it myself so many times but when it came to my own child I was still a wreck. Obviously the background has you worrying about what is going on in their wee heads but if he's saying he's had a good time when he comes out I would believe him. He must find it hard to say goodbye and do the initial going in part but I'm sure you would know if he was genuinely distressed all day. The teachers would be speaking to you too if they have concerns. Are they aware of his background? They don't need to know the full story, just that transitions might be difficult etc.
I reassured myself by thinking how much worse it would be if he was quite happy to leave me and go off without looking back as then I'd be overthinking and worrying we didn't have a strong enough bond.

This sounds very much like my son. He has said he doesn't feel safe at school and just wants to be at home with me. It's really tough, but like you, I want him to go to school! Mornings can be tricky as he drags his feet, says he's not going in or freezes before going through the door but comes out happy at the end of the day and teachers tell me he is doing well. I do think he probably masks a lot at school though.
To try and give you some hope, I would say it's improving. Reception year was hard as he didn't particularly like the unstructured, free-flow set up. There are quite a few children with SEN and unpredictable behaviour in his class which added to his sense of feeling unsafe. However when he moved into year 1 and they started to introduce more structure, he began to enjoy school more. He's just gone into year 2 and told family and friends he was looking forward to going back!

Having close contact with his teachers and the senco has helped. I have regular meetings and speak or email. The school is very good and trauma informed but even so I continually flag up things that are or might be a challenge for my boy so they can support him. He has an IEP for social -emotional support. They do check-ins with him at various points during the day to see how he is feeling and if anything unexpected happens (fire drills etc)

In the mornings we draw hearts on each others' wrists which we touch during the day to let each other know we're thinking about them. He loves this and asks "did you feel when I touched the heart?"

He has a squashy fiddle toy at school for times he's feeling anxious.

I try to give him lots of time, cuddles and reassurance at pick up/when we get home.
The worries often don't come out until bedtime which is always difficult as it prolongs bedtime but I let him use the time to talk and hopefully process some of his feelings.

What you are doing sounds good - listening to him, reflecting back but also letting him know that he can manage his fear by encouraging him to go into school.

It's so difficult when you have to get your child to face something when you can't be by their side.

It doesn't really matter that you know it's for the best, and that they will be fine, and they will be ok, there is still that part of you that longs to protect them from one more bit of hurt. I can't compare in terms of nursery drop of becausd my feral children skip in with nary a cursory glance behind them to wreak their own special brand of chaos, but when I had to leave the eldest when he went in for an operation, the look of betrayal he gave me when I made him take the sedative before he even got to the anaesthetic part was enough to break my heart. I was sobbing as I walked away because he so rarely doesn't want to do something so badly he makes a big deal of it. I don't know that I could handle that every day at the nursery gates, so hats off to you to be honest! That bit about taking a deep breath and then going in... I actually got quite emotional just reading it! You are training him to handle big emotions well, but I can imagine it is really hard. He can name.the emotion too, which is a big deal.

In terms of nursery, is there anything you could do to get them to update you when he has gone in?

Also, is there any way you could alter the transition points? So have a different entrance time where there are fewer people, or have him do a special job with the teacher when he gets in, or have him take in some boxes to the teacher so he is distracted? On bad days in the past, nursery has been the recipient of many a vital old shoebox or bit of tat that was of the highest importance to the nursery teacher and just simply had to be put away on her desk the moment she saw him at the gate. That way there can be no hanging around on the gate, because he has a super special important job to do. Or maybe you could time it so he goes in with a friend?

I dunno, watching them cry in pain or emotion is 100% guaranteed to make me weep in empathy with them because it's just one more thing for their tiny little bodies to cope with. I get it! I don't think it is a bad thing, but I know it can be emotionally exhausting. Make sure you are looking after yourself too!

Thank you for taking time to give such thoughtful advice. It was so comforting to read different perspectives. This week has been so much easier for him and though a big breath is needed he is having a wonderful time in school and I can hear in his voice how much he loves it. xx

So glad to hear this. It gave me a smile 😊

So pleased to hear this! Thank you for updating your thread.

I haven't adopted but am considering it and lurk on this board.

My BC DD5 is very much like this. She hasn't experienced trauma and has had a settled time so far but is a clingy cuddly soul by nature. Drop off at school is maybe more fraught than yours, lots of tears and a few times I've had to pick her up and put her down over the threshold.

No advice really, she enjoys school otherwise, we march on doing our best to support her😅

@ADreamIsAWishYourArseMakes Yes, many children are similar when starting school. But the enormous difference is the incredible gap between a "normal" emotional response to saying goodbye to a loved one and treading extremely carefully alongside a trauma response that comes from years of horrendous experiences no 5 year old (or anyone, ever) should have to encounter. This board is fantastic at understanding this difference and giving emotional support to those of us supporting little ones with complex histories. Wishing you well on your own exploration of this.