Bedtime disasters!

[Granville12]

Hello looking for some help/ideas/support as bedtime has suddenly got very traumatic. 5yo adopted son currently very angry and shouty. Will be all snuggled up beforehand, then up to bed and BAMMM all hell lets loose. Hitting, kicking, throwing stuff at me, shouting and screaming.

How do I deal with this properly?! I've tried 'kind hands only please'. I've tried stopping those hands and feet from kicking but that's gets him all worked up and hit and bothered. He literally laughs in my face when I say 'I can't let you hit me. It hurts. I need to keep us safe.' Shouting obv doesn't work. Trying to be empathetic doesn't work. It's breaking my heart. Please be kind.

Sorry to read this. Hopefully somebody with experience will come along shortly with a helpful post.

May I ask, how old was he when he came home?

4.5 months. He's been with us for 4.5 years. Have had a spell of this previously, then all settled. But something is really making him angry at the moment 😢

My 5yo adopted son recently went through bedtime panic. He became scared of everything around him from the black outside his window to the pipes gurgling and he didn't want to be left. Je isnt a hitter but he gets panicked to the point of breathlessness. Things that worked:

Fairy flights around his bed which he helped to put up during the day. A special soft blanket and favourite cuddlies in bed ready for him.

A very clear routine that I explained early in the day when he was calm and now don't deviate from.

This involved:

• bath
• straight upstairs with me to get ready and even if he is leaping about with post bath energy I'm very hushed.
• a story in bed
• a drop of lavender on his pillow - he likes to show EXACTLY where it is to go. I said as soon as his head touches the lavender it he will feel sleepy. He believed me :)
• I sit beside him, hold his hand, sing 2 songs softly
• I whisper a rhyme about how much I love him
• big kiss and cuddle
• I go but leave the door open and say I'll pop in once I've done a couple of jobs. I always do. He is always asleep.
• initially I didn't go. I stroked his hair till he fell asleep which was always in minutes. Now that things are calmer I don't need to do this unless it's windy etc.

I am sure there will be mixed opinions about this set up but I would rather LO knew I was with him through his worry. A wise friend once told me not to worry about doing things like this as it is very unlikely you will be doing it forever. It's just at this stage that is what they need and for me creating love and safety at bedtime with a bit of extra time was far better than very big feelings and two people ending their day upset xx

Does he struggle with when he has his strong feelings of disappointment and when he feels like he has no choice or control ? Maybe he feels upset that he has to end his day and he doesn’t want it to end?
You can teach him calmly that Bedtime is non negotiable but there can be happy choices if he can make sure to control his sad/angry feelings and not lash out with bad behaviour. I love the bedtime rituals @35poppy suggests, and we used all and more of those over the years, and they absolutely worked for three out of four of my ( now adult) children, but for one child, the acting out and naughty behaviour started, similar to your son, as they were trying to resist or delay bedtime and struggled with feeling sad and then angry that they had to go to bed

So we tried giving choices;
Do you want teddy A or Teddy B? This blanket or that favourite pillow ? This story or that one? Do you want lamp on or lamp off? Do you want door open or closed?
You could try this ?
Then it’s time to say goodnight and hopefully he settles , but if he starts the bad behaviour again as he doesn’t want to go to sleep , you may have to call his bluff …

For example, He may have chosen door open.
If he starts bad behaviour, say “I’m sorry but you can only have door open if no hitting/ kicking/ yelling … insert bad behaviour ….…. I will have to close door… then briefly close door , for a short time only and open door and say; . “ What’s the fuss? Ok you don’t want door closed? ……wait for answer… You say “ Door stays open only if absolutely no …. Insert behaviour ….. otherwise door is shut again.”

Thank you both these are great ideas and I'll definitely try and implement some of these. There's definitely a control issue and I wonder if he's missing daddy as he works away.
just feeling a bit helpless and like I'm doing everything wrong.
Any ideas about diffusing the anger/torrent of books that are coming at my head?

I would remove the books until the throwing book game is forgotten about at a later time. Read one book at a time and practice your dodging?! Seriously, maybe no hard cover books! Poor emotional regulation is so hard to deal with. I used to tell my son to jump up and down instead of throwing things. I remember whoopi goldberg on Sesame Street was great at teaching baby bear how to deal with anger. It starts the conversation to realising that it’s ok to feel angry but not ok to lash out, and much less upset for everyone including themselves, if they start to learn better ways to deal with feeling angry.

Maybe try watching videos together on learning how to settle down from a busy day , and abandon books for now.

Make up a story with your son’s name in it as the main character, having adventures and learning how to cope with how he’s feeling.

Or get him to choose which music he likes from bedtime music or sounds and let him listen while he goes to sleep.

Is there a teddy or puppy that makes sounds that he can play with while he settles down in bed?

Dream catcher was fun to make together and helped chase away bad dreams

My children found worry dolls a great comfort as they told each doll a worry , for the doll to hold onto their worries

Thank you all so much. He does like to jump on his bed at bedtime and I always try and discourage cos I think it gets him too excited, I never thought it would be the answer.

thank you so much everyone. Just hard to think straight it all gets a bit overwhelming. We do have a tonie box and it got left at nanas last week so we need that back asap.

We had this! Son is also 5 and we’ve been out of it for about a month but, my god, those 6 months felt like an eternity.

What we did:

• feelings work during the day when everything was calm (naming feelings, recognising feelings, talking about how we deal with feelings)
• bought ‘I love you when you’re angry’ book and ‘Conker the Chameleon’ both really good books on feelings. He loved ‘I love you when you’re angry’ because we could directly say we love you when you’re angry/sad/scared and he’d repeat it. He will ask for it now if he’s feeling sad. Conker the Chameleon he loves because it looks at how you have to talk about how you’re feeling and at the back it has some questions which he loves to ask us and answer himself.
• Very strict 8pm bedtime. It was sad because we used to do family film night on Fridays but we stopped it all (slowly reintroducing). It was tea, play, bath, story, bed.
• Screen time ban. He doesn’t have a tablet but did watch TV. This was hard as he would chill in front of the TV for an hour whilst I cooked tea but it just heightened emotions. He can now watch TV but it is the first thing to go if things start going south.
• We made a ‘999’ card. This ‘999’ card can be used once a night for any ‘emergency’ he has and we won’t get cross and sort the ‘emergency’. Emergencies have been extra cuddles, a card for his yoto, look at his light etc etc. After he uses the card, that’s it. He can’t come out to us again or Mummy and Daddy won’t get enough sleep and we won’t be able to do nice things together. He loves this card.
• Yoto mini - he loves this. He has a selection of cards and at bed time will listen to whatever stories he likes and often falls asleep to them.

It was not overnight. It’s taken months of consistency and lots of tears (all of us), shouting (all of us) and a lot of frustration (all of us!)

For the throwing, a little bag of bean bags worked for us. Again, establish rules in morning when he is calm. "I notice when you have big feelings you want to throw things. I wonder if that makes you feel better? These bean bags are for throwing on the ground. You can use them. We only throw bean bags onto the ground. If you throw them at me they go away until tomorrow."
As others have said, constantly remind that all feelings are ok but you have safe strategies in your family. For example throwing something at someone is not safe. Throwing a bean bag on the ground is safe. It does take a lot of time but you will get there with consistency x

I second a clear bedtime routine, but I'd also be wondering what the feelings are about. Sometimes nighttime is when kids process what's been happening during the day or what's coming up the next day and they become overwhelmed and reactive. Has anything changed at home (you mention dad being away), is he due to start school, or change class etc. Be a bit of a detective because that kind of reactivity at bedtime often isn't actually about bedtime.

I'd also remove books from his room if he's throwing them. Pop them on a bookcase out of reach in another room and him chasing a book can become part of your night time routine. I always think disrupt, distract, discover, discipline - as in stop him being able to do x, distract him from doing x, discover why he's doing x, and then set boundaries and discipline once you've exhausted all of the other options.

Thank you. So we had a chat this morning and we talked about daddy being away a long time and he asked me if daddy tries to ring when we're in bed and if he's unable to get through, he's also due to go back to school next Tuesday which I imagine he's anxious about. I definitely think there's some emotional regulation difficulties going on here as well as the fact that his concept of time is limited. Bedtime routine hasn't been quite as strict as normal during summer, although it's not been wild as he doesn't do well with late nights.
This is a massive learning curve for me and I really appreciate you taking the time to message.