Going for number 3

[Catterpillarsflipflops]

We have a 1 and 2 year old sibling set.

We have just been approached for baby number 3. He's 6 months old. Born very prematurely. In foster care.

There would be 13 months between him and our next son & 26 months between him and our daughter.

This is the 10th baby of birth family. There are 4 other adoptive families of all the siblings that have all said no.

I would really love to have 1 more but finances for nursery fees and future hobbies, being on maternity leave again and the worry of health concerns from being premature and in NICU.

Our two are developing well so I'd hate to rock the boat & gamble on this one not doing as well and the impact of that.

That said... I just can't get him out of my head. The idea of 3 little ones running around together, having 1 more baby. I can't explain it but I'm really drawn to the idea.

Am I being absolutely mad here.

@Catterpillarsflipflops

Probably no madder than you were when you said yes to the first two !

What's worrying you most - finances, practicalities of 3 under 3 or health and long term issues ?

It sounds like you are working, is that feasible with 3?

Would the LA give you an adoption allowance, have you looked at benefit entitlements.
Is this a full sibling - what are the chances of their being a number 11, 12, 13....
What does your partner think?

Just throwing out questions - no need to answer.

Good luck - difficult decision

I would suggest that you have two, and those two have lots of uncertainties. It's very early days for them. Can you cope with three children close together with significant needs? Unable to attend education? You mention nursery fees, so I'm assuming you work- with three children with higher needs, could you give up work? What does life look like for the older siblings in other families? Why have they said no? Are there needs that come out later? Are older siblings in mainstream school? Any medical issues? Substances?

At age 1 and 2, I would have loved to say yes to a third. Now, in the trenches of taking the LA to court over school send provision etc, it would have killed me.

I would say 3 under 3 is a lot, without adoption. With? Total madness. But I know others have managed such things! It all depends on time situation and the levels of uncertainty and risk, and only you know that.

My two are doing well but I accept they are young.

New baby is half sibling of my two but full sibling of the oldest 5. ( there were several fathers in between when birth dad #1 was staying at His Majesties hospitality).

Older siblings are all in mainstream except 1 who has Autism and learning needs. Mostly the older siblings are lovely, well rounded delightful children.

The other families said no for a variety of reasons. First choice was his full siblings families but their children are all older. The one above us only ever wanted 1 child as they are a single adopter.

My wife (same sex marriage if relevant) is quite happy with two and wouldn't actively pursue a third but equally is open to the idea.

We both work. I would be sad not to as I have a career I love.

Finances bother me, we are above the earning threshold to get any benefits except tax free childcare (child benefit etc we don't qualify for) but don't have so much money we could easily pay 3 nurseries, 3 swimming lessons etc. With two we could obviously give them more.

My two seemingly developing well then adding in one that spent 4 months in hospital is my second worry. If he has disabilities it would markedly change our way of life.

Now Dad is out and they are back together there is a reasonable chance of more.

So in terms of risk, is there another older full sibling of your two you can use as a yardstick?

From what you've said, it would be your wife looking at giving up work? And she's less keen?

Once you have one unable to access school, childcare becomes a nightmare. Given the ages, you have no idea yet how school will go. To roll the dice a third time when you haven't yet rolled it even once for one (I would count each school year, for each child, as a fresh roll!) would be too large a gamble for me. But YMMV. I know of a family that did just this, got adoption allowance, and all are surviving. One parent did have to quit work.

I'm interested that several people have mentioned stopping work. I definitely wouldn't just because we had 3 children. I understand some go on to become school refuses and that significantly complicates things. Neither of us ever plan to stop work. My wife is a teacher, I'm a Paediatrician. We both love our jobs and can't afford our mortgage without two of us working.

I personally wouldn't due to the small age gap, the uncertainty over long term health / effects of prematurity of the baby and the fact your two are still very young so you don't yet have a sense of what issues there might be for them. Plus three are a lot more expensive than two, and having 3 of a similar age means they are going through the same developmental stages very close together.

Many adopters find they need to give up work or change to a less demanding job due to the needs of one or more of their children. The chances of you both maintaining your careers will be reduced with three.

Additionally, if none of the existing adopters want this child, there will be adopters out there who will jump at the chance. It seems you have knowledge of/ keep in touch with the other families, so it may be you can have contact later with this baby.

Ex Paediatric Nurse here, our first adopted son I found at work (NICU) but adoption is like a bug that doesn’t go away. Six children later ????.Seriously it must be so hard for you to say no to the baby. Hopefully you would get an adoption allowance and also the 2 child rule for child benefit is ignored in adoption. Good luck with your decision I know what I would do.

Interesting that being a NICU nurse didn't put you off a prem baby. That's scaring me a bit.

We don't qualify for child benefit so we are completely on our own with extra finances unless the LA would offer some money to keep a sibling set together.

Thank you all for your support x

@Catterpillarsflipflops

I think if both of you are unable to even contemplate the idea of giving up work or even going part time , I would say no.
Even with kids with no issues life just gets more complicated.
A couple of my non adopter friends were nearly broken by the demands of work and 3 children and gave up work when they were late primary/early secondary.
There are so many unknown in adoption, your kids may continue to do well, but they may not. Add a third in the mix. It's likely that at least one of them will have additional needs.
Just as an aside, when I was working out some figures I was surprised how little the difference was between working 30 and 37 hours, when you take into account reduced tax etc

I work 3 days. I plan to go to 4 when they het to school age. I definitely wouldn't want to go less than 3 as our lifestyle would be hugely compromised.

Maybe that makes my decision, adding another unknown tipping the balance too far.

I feel very very sad to think of not doing it again but we want to make the best decision for everyone.

To be frank, this isn't a "now or never". Unless you're very old.

If you get both kids into school and everything's manageable, you can look to adopt again.

We are unfortunately. We are both into our 40's so realistically we can't leave it much longer. This one is probably our last shot of 1 more.

By "very old" I meant 70+.

In that case I'm incredibly young 🤣

In adoption terms you are!

You have time. See how it goes.

@Catterpillarsflipflops

Ahh, so already partime. It would be a no from me for financial reasons.

It's hard, I had to say no to a sibling for financial reasons. But I was much older than you and planning my retirement

In your 40s? Mere babes yourselves🤣
Where siblings are concerned I don't think SWs mind too much. I was 56 when asked.

I value my future retirement too much to think about a baby In my 50's. I'm already going to have to shoo them out the door the day after their 18ths so I can start a veg patch and crocheting 🤣

56! A maximum 45 year age gap was talked about when we adopted, though our sw said it wouldn't be an absolute. But to me that seemed like the limit and our youngest is fortuitously 45 years younger than me.

@Catterpillarsflipflops
@Onelifeonly

The baby was 2 years old, my son was 16 at the time, and only half sibs.

They do try and keep sibs together.

I'm 59 and a foster carer now, will give it up at 65, but keep being told about the LAs star FC who is in her 70s!!
I've already got my allotment, and strangely enough bought a crochet kit last month

Just to add to the “age” thing SW bend the rules to suit the situation DH and I were in our 60’s when our last was placed with us age 3 however she did have complex needs. *Catterpillarflipflops” both of you go with your heart and your pockets.

We were offered number 3 last year. Our DC are older but baby’s needs sound similar to your little ones’ sibling. My DP (also two mums here!) was very swayed for emotional reasons, as you are.

I asked the question - would we be able to properly meet the needs of all three of these children? And the answer was no.

We were very sad and I still think of him but I’m 100% sure it was the right decision, esp as our DC are becoming ever more complex as they get older.

I think from your post your heart says yes and your head says no/not sure? Being a paediatrician you know that not all learning difficulties and challenges will come to light until they are older. (That’s a maybe or course not a definitely)
I would say hope for best but plan for worst. It’s a good sign that the older siblings are all doing well.
do you think you can meet the needs of 3 children? If so, I’d do it.
but I’d also remember that there may be other babies and you may be in a similar situation again. Good luck x

You are amazing

We have gone for it. We met him & are shortly proceeding.