Panic attacks

[Petals2024]

We had our first initial meeting to find out more. I have been reluctant from the beginning I tried to tell my husband but he registered our interest. He told me it’s not just my decision no it’s not but I give up everything my job and my independence for something I’m not 100% sure about. I have always worked and earned my own money and we have a style of life now at 44 that I don’t want to lose our way of life. I’m having panic attacks.

@Noimaginationforaun still haven’t been brave and started the talk good we need to talk

@Noimaginationforaun hi I hope you are well. So as I have said I’m not quite ready to move forward yet and I’m trying to have honest discussions with my husband. We have received the forms, there is no time limit on when we send those is there? Once they are sent that is when the process starts? But we don’t have to send them back within 6 months or something do we?

Thank you.

Ah well done for having the conversation! Honestly, it’s so much better to do it this way rather than in front of social workers!

You can send the forms when you’re ready. Even when the forms are sent, you aren’t tied in to anything. They’ll come out and see you to talk to you and then decide if you’re accepted on to Stage 1.

@Noimaginationforaun well I don’t think we are any further forward, he doesn’t hear my concerns or accept that it has happened quickly. Our dog isn’t very well so there are other things on our mind but it’s like we never had the conversation xx I don’t think he has done any research, he is going into blind his reason he wants his life to have a purpose. Surely me our nieces, our friends our dogs give him some purpose

@Petals2024

I'm sorry you are finding yourself in such a difficult situation.
I think you have a number of options

• refuse to complete and sign the forms
• go to an information evening and hope that knocks some sense into him, and if not then refuse to complete the forms
• go along with him. The real situation will be very quickly exposed in the assessment. Particularly when you have individual interviews where you would have to be very honest with the SW.

I don't think any of these options are going to be great for your marriage but I think the third has the most far reaching consequences for both your mental health.
But to be honest, if I had a husband who was trying to bulldoze me into a life changing decision, and one in which he would carry on as usual, ie go to work, but expect me to give up everything, I would be seriously questioning the marriage. And to be even more honest, one of us would be packing our bags.

Your husband really needs to understand that adoption isn't about him, it's about vulnerable children who need fully committed parents.
I know I have been very blunt, I really do hope you can find your way through this

I don’t think he has done any research, he is going into blind his reason he wants his life to have a purpose.

This is a worry to me. Children who come through adoption often have many challenges and have high levels of need. Being an adoptive parent is hard, complex work but doesn’t always feel purposeful. Children should never come into a family with a job to do (eg give a sense of purpose), they exist for their own ends.

I agree with @Ted27 in that there are some very fundamental questions that sit at the heart of your marriage given his approach to this.

Honestly, if he carries on it will come out very quickly. It doesn’t sound like your marriage is very strong at the moment and if he can’t listen to you then it doesn’t bode well for any future adopted children. They need to come home to a unit, a solid unit that is only focused on a very vulnerable child. It is absolutely fine (and I think for most people who go into adopting, normal) to have apprehensive feelings that they need to work out (it is a huge undertaking) but they do need to be worked through together.

I agree with the above poster about the options. You can refuse to sign, go to an information evening or let him carry on and it will fall apart very quickly. I also think (although may be speaking out of turn) you need to consider if this is even a marriage you want to stay in if your thoughts and feelings on such huge milestones seem irrelevant.

Being in the middle of the adoption assessment process myself at the moment I really think that there is no way you would be accepted as adopters. Your reluctance would quickly exclude you from the assessment.

Firstly, the process itself will continually tell him that it is a difficult undertaking. He will be sent on training courses about trauma, repeatedly told about the extremely challenging aspects of adopting children from abusive backgrounds. This will likely very quickly disabuse him of any notion that adoption is an easy ride.

Assuming that this deluge of information doesn’t knock some sense into him, the amount of work Involved in Stage 1 is pretty overwhelming. He will be asked to write a short novel about his life, his motivations, his history will be examined in ridiculous detail. He will have to gather together financial information, attend a medical, talk about previous mental health struggles. It is relentless.

You will have to do all of this as well. It is an onerous undertaking. If your heart isn’t in it then it will fall apart quite quickly.

Assuming you get through this stage, Stage 2 will involve weekly three hour interviews with a social worker digging into every element of your life and the strength of your relationship for at least four months. At least one of these sessions will be just you and the social worker where they will specifically ask you whether you are being coerced into adoption by your partner.

I just don’t see how you could get through this process without both of you being entirely committed to adoption.

We were made to go to a couple of information evenings before we submitted paperwork, and it was made very clear very early on that adoption was hard, the children were all traumatised and we needed to be 100% committed.

Your partner needs to start the process and understand how important it is for you to both want this equally.

At least one of these sessions will be just you and the social worker where they will specifically ask you whether you are being coerced into adoption by your partner.

As a social worker I’ve never specifically asked if someone was being coerced into adoption by their partner. I’ve explored motivations individually, and unpicked where I’ve thought one was less keen than the other but unless there were indications of coercion elsewhere (which is a whole different assessment) I wouldn’t particularly ask about it in adoption.

Different social workers and different authorities will approach the assessment process differently and while I’d expect the OPs reluctance to be picked up on, I wouldn’t rely on the assessment process alone. The OP is really going to need to have some difficult conversations and take herself out of the process.

@Jellycatspyjamas Interesting. We haven’t quite reached that bit of the assessment yet, but were told specifically during Stage 1 by the social worker that we would have individual interviews to check that we weren’t being persuaded into adoption against our wishes. Perhaps the way in which this is approached changes between different agencies.

But yes, I agree that the OP needs to have a difficult conversation.