Panic attacks

[Petals2024]

We had our first initial meeting to find out more. I have been reluctant from the beginning I tried to tell my husband but he registered our interest. He told me it’s not just my decision no it’s not but I give up everything my job and my independence for something I’m not 100% sure about. I have always worked and earned my own money and we have a style of life now at 44 that I don’t want to lose our way of life. I’m having panic attacks.

With adoption I’d say if you have any misgivings at the outset, don’t do it. Adoption asks too much of parents to gloss over doubts and fear beyond the usual cold feet type worries.

At very least you need to have a clear, calm conversation with your husband about his expectations for adoption leave, childcare etc. The change for the resident parent is huge and hard to adapt to, is there the option of him staying home? It sounds like you’re being pressed into something you’re not keen on.

@Petals2024

I'm sorry you are feeling like this, it's very wrong of your husband to pressure you like this.
If he is the main driver in this why would you be the one giving up your job to be the main carer? If he is so keen why doesn't he give up work. Maybe suggest that to him.
As hard as it may be, and it may have implications for your marriage, you are going to have to sit him down for a hard talk and tell him you don't want to do it.

I suspect if he continues to bull doze you, your reluctance will come out during the assessment and you won't get through.

Good luck - some hard conversations ahead of you

Totally agree with Ted27 and Jellycatspyjamas as usual, social worker will work this out during the assessment. If you are sure you don’t want adoption don’t do it. Despite the many positive things (there are so many) it is hard work. Good luck

Thanks so much I just had to reach out. He earns a lot more money than I do so it would be me. We have such a lovely life nice house and a good life. We have dogs who I love so much. The children part didn’t really work out for us, we tried it didn’t happen. I have a good job with a good salary so we live to our means and like to travel.
He threw it at me last month asked how I felt said I hadn’t thought about it the was told he had put us on a meeting. It has all happened so quickly. We have never had great communication he had a break down and was off work for a while continued to take tablets which he has now come off which is not a good idea because his mental health is so fragile. Our marriage is fragile. I just don’t know what to do

I am being pressed and i think his reasons for wanting to adopt are weak and what will my reasons be when asked?

@Petals2024

To be honest, given what you have just written, if you do proceed any further your application will unravel pretty quickly.

You have big issues here
Your marriage is weak, the pressured of the adoption process will finish you off, in the unlikely event of you getting through, having a child will.
I wonder what research he has actually done about adoption.
Have you had a proper conversation about the practicalities, how your life would change.
He has mental health issues.

As hard as it is you are going to have to have an honest conversation with him. Tell him you are not prepared to go ahead unless he does some proper research and you both have had time to think. Really press him on his motivations.
If he won't listen then phone the social worker and tell them you don't want to proceed.
You cannot let yourself be bulldozed into this. Although I think any decent SW will see through all this very quickly.
I'm sorry your husband is putting you through this.

We have never had great communication he had a break down and was off work for a while continued to take tablets which he has now come off which is not a good idea because his mental health is so fragile. Our marriage is fragile. I just don’t know what to do

This will all be flushed out in the adoption process. His mental health will be assessed and cracks in your marriage will show through in the assessment process. It’s also pretty lengthy, so he may well run out of steam - a month isn’t remotely enough time to think through a decision like adoption and if, as it seems from your description, it’s been a quick decision, there’s a lot of time in the process to withdraw.

You have some difficult conversations ahead, one choice might be to go to the adoption evening and see if that gives you more information, which might honestly change his mind if he’s not thought it through. Ultimately though if this isn’t what you want, you need to be honest about it.

I went into adoption with a very strong marriage, 7 years later we’re separated albeit very amicably. It’s a huge pressure for the best of relationships.

I just don’t know what to do

Do you want to have children? I ask because it doesn’t sound like you do and that needs to be the starting point for your decision making. It’s ok not to want kids, and indeed it’s ok to want kids but not want to adopt.

I am halfway through the adoption assessment process. It has been an intense barrage of form-filling and homework and people digging through every aspect of my life. They have requested information about all the treatment I’ve had for mental health problems, spoken to abusive ex-boyfriends, asked for references from temporary jobs I had when I was 18.

If either of you have any misgivings about it they will come to light pretty quickly, and the process is so onerous that your DH might struggle with it anyway.

They also hammer home at every opportunity the likelihood that your adopted child will be traumatised, with additional needs, and you need to accept that you won’t be getting an easy brand new baby. Maybe he will reconsider once he discovers more about it if he has an idealised view of it at present.

There are lots of initial steps before you get accepted into the proper assessment, so let him do those and get a real idea of the gravity of adoption.

Thank you so much for your kind words and advice. So I have got up walked the dogs got home then gone for an 8 mile walk with my friend.
He doesn’t feel well so is just in bed. He still and will always have mental health issues, if he was still having therapy there is no way a therapist would encourage what he is doing. I do need to have that hard conversation with him. I need to know why he wants to do it and how much he has read. I told him at the start I didn’t want to give up work, I love my nieces but do I want kids of my own, maybe when I was younger but not know we made our choice. I really have no idea where this has come from.

@Jellycatspyjamas I’m so scared we are in a reasonably good place now and all this was just thrown at me last month with a meeting already booked in. Will his therapists notes be looked at he did a lot on his private healthcare but of course I think our GP needs to be advised. We are going on holiday in 3 weeks

My adoption assessment requested notes from all counselling sessions. Other adopters I’ve spoken to have also had this.
You could refuse to let them see them, but ultimately that could look like there is something to hide.

@Tradewipe yes refusing to allow them
to look would look weird. Let me throw something else in the mix I have MS. I am very well, I work full time travel
to London 3 days a week for work, on no medication and I’m running the London marathon next year. BUT I still have MS and stress and not much sleep affects me, I know nobody knows what is round the corner but I feel I might have a bit more knowledge of what is round the corner.

It’s perfectly reasonable not to give access to counselling notes, it’s a private process and I’d expect social work to respect that privacy. If he’s been on medication his GP can speak to his mental health. The MS is an issue because it’s a degenerative illness and while you’re healthy now, that could change quite quickly - they would want a good medical that includes your overall prognosis.

It also sounds like you feel the time for children has passed for you, life is in a good place and you’re happy. That’s a perfectly valid reason not to go ahead, adoption will literally drop a grenade into your life and while you would get into a way of life with kids there’s no going back to what you have now.

@Jellycatspyjamas this has all been so helpful. Oh yes I know so much about MS I was diagnosed when I was 31 and I am 34 now I had a relapse when I was 32 recovered and nothing since. But I know it’s a cruel
disease and who knows what will happen.
yes I do think my chance of children has passed and I’m ok with that I thought he was too. Our life is nice with our dogs and that makes me happy that is enough for me. Be honest is the process as tough as people say? If I was 100% on board I could cope but I’m not and like I said this could break both of us

@Jellycatspyjamas when I disclosed my MS the DVLA I had to do so much to prove I am well so many questions so many doctors reports and I have to do the same thing every 5 years, I don’t have a 10 year license

The process can be tricky, but honestly the first year post placement was really, really hard going because every single part of your life changes, you’re parenting a traumatised stranger and learning from a standing start. I’m seven years in and it’s still hard - adoption is the gift that keeps on giving, for better and worse.

I’m not trying to dissuade you - it has to be your decision - but sometimes it’s purely the commitment I made to my kids that keeps my feet on the floor. You have time to really consider what you want, you’re very young still in adoption terms and you don’t sound sure. A bit of time to think will confirm things for you both about adoption and your marriage. It’s not something to be rushed.

@Jellycatspyjamas im really not sure at all and I don’t think I am very maternal either well not now

@Jellycatspyjamas im really not sure at all and I don’t think I am very maternal either well not now

Adoption is so hard. For me and my husband it was always a 2 yes, go ahead situation.

We ended up going to 2 open evenings which really helped. After that, my husband and I had a very honest conversation and he needed more time. Adopting is overwhelming! We spent 9 months researching together and unpicking what adoption would entail, what the realities were, what our expectations were, why we wanted this. He sent in the forms to start the process and, 18 months later, our sweet boy came home.

You can’t do this when you aren’t fully committed. I shared my story because maybe that’s what you need - an honest conversation and some time to research and reflect. It all came up during the process and, to be honest, worked in our favour. If you go in now, when you both don’t sound like you’re in the right place, you run the risk of being turned away and finding it much harder to start the process when and if you are in the right place.

@Noimaginationforaun this is beautiful and so helpful thank you. I will reply better but have to get ready for work!! How do I find open evenings? My husband has a thought then has to rush everything through when we haven’t sat down and talked about everything. Like you said what the realities are. We have the forms to start stage 1 but don’t think we should just yet we need to talk. They have such tight time frames on everything.

@Noimaginationforaun sorry what came up during the process and worked in your favour? We have received the forms to send off for stage 1 when do we have to do that by before we have to register interest again? The time limits are so tight.

Honestly the time limits are more moveable than you think, the worst that can happen is they ask you to register interest again. It took 3 years to get through my adoption assessment due to factors outside of my control - that’s unusual but things often don’t keep to timescales for reasons on both sides, don’t feel pressured into something because of published timescales.

So the Local Authority that you live in will have open/information evenings. Just Google where you live and ‘adoption information evening’ and you’ll see dates and probably phone numbers. We went to 2 as you don’t need to go through the Local Authority you live in. Lots have joined up now.

So what went in our favour. After you send off the stage 1 forms, you have a visit from a social worker and a family worker. They remembered us from the open evening and asked us why it took so long after the open evening to send in our forms. We were honest and said we’d been to a couple, husband wasn’t 100% on adoption so we’ve spent the 9 months doing our research, reflecting on if it is the right path for us and which Local Authority seemed to fit well with us. They were happy with that. Said that it was really positive and showed them what type of people we are, that we aren’t taking it lightly etc.

Do not worry about the timelines on those forms. Honestly, everything is movable but local authorities have their own time scales so they have to put them on the forms. All that means is if the time limit is exceeded, the social worker will write a reason why. The reason ‘doing more research on adoption’ is not a bad thing. Our Stage One lasted much longer than the 6 week time scale because I have a chronic illness and have had therapy so needed consultant letters which took ages to come back. It was fine. The social worker just needed to write down for their managers the reason why.

@Noimaginationforaun that is so helpful thank you so much.