There's a lot to this story. I have 3 children, 2 of which are my biological children. I have a daughter of 3, a stepson of 8, and a son of 6.
I have been in and out of my son's(6) life since he was a baby. I have constantly felt like a failure and every time I saw him or had him I felt like I was doing something wrong because there was always an issue when he was returned to his mum.
Around a year into his life, his mum told me, via text, that I wasn't the dad. I had asked for a dna test so I could try and get a Parental Responsibility Order, as I was not on the birth certificate. This is because he was born in Cyprus and I had gone back to the UK to continue working. And his mum and her family decided to get his B.C done when I had already left. They claim to "not have realised" that I needed to be present to co-sign the B.C.
The SAME DAY I found out I was the dad in court, she asked me afterwards if I wanted to see him in the Café which was below the courthouse. I said yes of course. I went in, sat down, and saw him come running out shouting "Daddy, Daddy", thinking he was running towards me. His mum and her partner had my son calling him dad. The pain I felt was something I cannot describe with words.
There's been constant issues since that moment. I've seen him a handful of times, she's moved house 3/4 times since his birth. I was living at my dads until June 2021, when I kept saying I can't have him overnight because it wasn't a good environment for him, as my dad smoked weed in the house and the stench of cigarettes/ weed was everywhere. I told her when I move into my own place, with my current partner, we will have space and a bed for him to stay. That happened in June, where we had a bunk bed for my stepson and son. I told her we have room for him to stay. It's a healthy environment and we can have him for school holidays/ half terms. She said "No. He's too settled and I don't want to disturb his routine". I kept on trying. I stopped messaging for a while because I felt like I was a problem in his life. Felt like I was the reason behind the issues. She's put me through turmoil. Now, I have had him just recently for around 5 days. She is married to the man he calls "Dad". She was running a narrative that he has a big family and is lucky as he has "2 daddies". "Daddy who made him (me) and daddy who lives at home (her husband)". Last September a deleted message from her husband said he wanted to adopt him, which he said he unsent because "I got back in contact". The whole week he was aggressive, apparently hated that I was "forcing him" to call me dad and not his dad at home, which was untrue. I was running the narrative she told me to use. He's gone back home, and I've had accusations of not looking after him, not washing him correctly and he's since caught/developed staphyloccocus. She has blamed me for it even though I pointed out that neither my stepson nor daughter has it, and that my sons fingernails were caked in black dirt, where he was scratching a picking at a scab, which I kept cleaning and refreshing plasters, kept reminding him not to pick it. I had arguments with her down the phone, shouting because I knew once again, she would use anything and everything against me. She's never wanted me in his life even though she claims she has never tried to stop me. All I wanted was a normal relationship with my son. She tells me I've caused his anger issues and learning difficulties. I feel like I have failed as a Father to him and that I am causing him more harm than good. He seems happier without me and clearly was too anxious to speak to me about how he was feeling when he was here. I've now had death threats from her mum because I shouted down the phone, saying how much I felt like she was trying to coerce him into coming home early (he was supposed to stay saturday until saturday, wanted to go home on the thursday), because she rang him every day, including "Daddy", saying "Aw look we got you new furniture. / We made your favourite curry./ If you want to come home it's okay we can come pick you up whenever you want" - that last one I never went against. I didn't want him uncomfortable.
Sorry for the convoluted story. I just feel like I'm hurting him by staying in his life because it feels like he's happier with his circle, with his mum, his "Dad", and his sister. But I feel like I'm a worse person if I give up and walk away. I don't know what to do. Please share your advice.
I'd like to add that I love my son and I want to be a part of his life. I just don't know if I'm a worse person for staying because I've constantly been made to feel like I'm hurting him more.