Not sure this is going to work out.....

[mummyBop]

After a good start, things have got steadily worse over the past two weeks and I'm not sure this placement is going to work out.

I am sick of being used as a punchbag, of getting "no" to every request and the constant demands of attention. We have had some quite extreme behaviour and I am sure I will hit one of them soon if this continues.

I spoke to my social worker last night and she thinks we are doing all the right things, but I can't cope. We're half way through the 2 week April holidays and I am dreading this next week.

So how do you deal with challenging behaviour from three at once; what sanctions actually have an effect; how do you assert your authority, wothout rejecting them. At the moment I have three children running rings round me and I'm sinking in the middle. We are trying to praise the good stuff (actually even the vaguely good stuff), we have sanctions of early bedtimes, timeout in rooms, loss of activities of confisaction of toys, but particularly for the eldest none of these seem to have any effect - she just says "I don't care". When I try to discipline one, the others react agaisnt it and alone its virtually impossible (even with two its hard).

I feel so trapped and the only way out I can see is to send them back - I can't do this anymore. I feel like a failure and a terrible pretend mum.

mBop

sorry, forgot to say...about your legal situation. i understand that you have been forced to petition so early in the placement but its extremely unusual and not very helpful at all.

the LA shoudl have handled this much better. they have had so long to place these kids and should not have let it drag on like this. you have been put in an impossible situation. you should have been free to petition when YOU and your DH felt you were ready - they have put a gun to your heads and its NOT RIGHT. If you get an experienced Curator s/he will not be impressed at all ( by the LA i mean, not you).

what did your solicitor say about it??

also forgot to say in last post - i dont think she CAN go on a sleepover at frineds unless they have all been Disclosure scotland checked. have you asked your SW?

Just wanted to encourage you really. We have had our adopted DD (also 8 years old) for 5 years exactly tthis weekend so your 'picked up' thread has touched me and I wanted to send hugs and encouragement to you.

It is SO hard taking on children like this - don't underestimate the strain it will place on you and the angst/anxiety you will experience as a result. Take as much time out as you can and please be kind to yourself and DP/H.

The behaviour she is displying sounds classic attachment stuff and although with your consistency and clear, strong boundaries she will probably settle a lot, you will always need to handle this behaviour as it is now a part of her and little can fundamentally change it.

You can be very clear with her what is acceptable behaviour and how you would prefer her to behave (Don't embark on these explanations in the heat of the moment, but after when calmer), but above all at this early stae you need to aim for love, acceptance, absolute consistency and boundaries in the face of whatever she throws at you. It's tough, but you will see change. Expect the change to be very little by little but rejoice in each baby step and surround yourself with support, including if you can a safe (professional/counselling) space to talk about all that is happening.

Her description of how she is feeling (all crazy) is probably frighteningly accurate. As for the time at other friends houses I wuld limit them or stop them for now. Her behaviour afterwards is all attachment stuff, becasue when she arrives home she's back in that place of feeling crazy and needing to re-test all boundaries, reassess her safety and security and will undoubtedly feel completely insecure so clings to the bad behaviour as a defence mechanism.

It's probably really scary for her as she is probably at 8 aware that her behaviour is not Ok but can't not do it IYSWIM at it makes her somehow feel safe and as if she's defending her heart from more pain. Still doesn't mean your heart doesn't break though - I know something of how you might be feeling as I've been there and still am every day. The first six months were extreme hard hard work...

Whereabouts are you based?

MIght be off the wall here, but do you think there's something difficult about going to friends houses and seeing them all playing 'happy families' with their birth parents etc etc? (I'm just extrapolating a bit from issues of my own). It's still such a stage of transition for the 8 year old, especially if she has attachment issues, which she will because of her age and life history. It's only time that will show her that she has what her friends have, but with you.

I agree with misspolly.

oh misspolly, you put it well

Just thought to say, despite 8 year olds being at a point of maturing a bit (and a lot of adopted children can be pseudo-mature, particularly in verbal ability etc) her development will have got very stuck somewhere so her emotional development may be stuck fast at a toddler point or younger.

This is a hard hard balancing act because you have to help her to behave in a fairly socially acceptable way for her age, while understanding that within the confines of your own home she may need to behave in a much younger way (and may be utterly incapable of behaving in any other).

Her in-built working model for behaving, coping, feeling and processing is impaired by her early life experiences. You're upbringing of her is about sort of rewiring where it has gone awry but her wiring system may never be 'normal' and you should expect areas where her reaction hot wire or short circuit and odd behviour is exhibited. Lots at the moment as her wiring is totally up the creek.

Please keep in touch.

Thanks to everyone and especially Kristina and Miss Polly as your adoption experience is invaluable.

She has been fine and things have settled down again (for now!).

The stuff about struggling between different home makes a lot of sense - I have said that I am going to limit the amount of time at friends houses - once per week and a couple of days notice at least, but that her friends can come here anytime. Interestingly our son is keen for friends to come here but doesn't want to go to others when invited.

As for the sleepover - she is allowed to go as Disclousre Scotland checks are no longer necessary (part of making life as normal as possible for foster children) if I am satisfied with the family. We currenlty have a reward chart based on it and we'll just have to play it by ear. They do have first comtact with mum next week a few days before the sleep over so that is likely to be another flashpoint - we'll just have to wait and see.

I agree about taking things away - it really doesn't work - well apart from her straighteners (which I feel she is a little young for, but she has been allowed them in the past!) and that is more about her appearance than the straighteners per se.

Anyway, hopefully we have got over another hurdle - thanks again for all your help and support

Bop

so glad to hear things have settled down a bit

i think once per week and a couple of days notice at least to visit frineds is plenty at teh moment

but that her friends can come here anytime

personally i woudl limit that if it gets out of hand. she needs more time with you and DH

We currenlty have a reward chart based on it

thats interesting if its working for you as it doesn't for many kids with AD. not sure i woudl want to portray time away from the family as a reward

They do have first comtact with mum next week a few days before the sleep over

sorry i think this is BAD timing. they will be very unsettled after contact visits and you shoudl prepare for some acting out. Not a good time for a sleepover

mind you, i woudl not be having any sleepovers with a child this insecure, but thats just my opinion . and as you knwo i am very opinionated