Early days of adoption and I hate it

[MyOliveBiscuit]

I’ve wanted to adopt my whole life. I knew my child from his profile as soon as it was read to us anonymously. I’ve cried all the way through the process because I wanted it so much and now he’s here and I hate every second. He’s 5 and can show some challenging behaviour but mostly he’s just a 5 year old. We’re bonding well but I hate my life now. I just make food and drinks and exist entirely for him. I don’t get to eat or shower or think. I’m struggling to sleep. I keep hoping some mistake will come up in an audit and they’ll say we can’t adopt any more. Does it get easier? Do I just hate being a mum?

It does get easier, when we first adopted in 2019, I felt and thought all the things you are feeling now, but I don’t anymore ♥️

Of course you hate it. Your life has been turned upside down, you're basically a slave to an ungrateful, traumatised tyrant that you don't know, let alone love in any real sense, you're having a huge adjustment reaction, and what's worst of all is that you chose it, and it's nothing like you'd had in even your more realistic notions. It's totally shit. Or was that just me?

This is normal, expected even. It really will improve. I was 'lucky' in that I'd struggled after a birth child, too, although it was different of course. It doesn't mean you're a bad mum, or not cut out to be a mum. It means it takes time. You'll get there. You've only just met each other, you've got a whole new job, and it's the hardest job ever.

PS. I adore my tyrants.

It’s so hard. I too felt like you did. I does get easier I promise. I think it’s really common to feel this way.

@rabblenotrebel

Perfect reply - spot on !

It is very common to feel this way. See also post-adoption depression.

adoptioncouncil.org/publications/understanding-parental-postadoption-depression/

It does get easier.

Also, you know you will find a way to carve out time for yourself once your little one is settled.

Oh I could have written this! The first 6 months with our 2 YO. Constant social worker visits, issues with BM, constantly washing/feeding/regulating. I felt like I was drowning.

Little by little, we fell unconditionally in love. I started timing tantrums and at the end of the day realising that a couple of 20 minute tantrums didn’t doesn’t add up to much of the day.

I was also diagnosed with Post Adoption Anxiety and medication helped with the physical symptoms.

Three years on and I wish I could go back and hug past me. Beg her to enjoy it. Now, we have an utterly wonderful 5 YO. Who yes tests our patience, but also makes us laugh every day, is thriving in everything he does and currently asking me (for the 600th time) ‘when do we go on holiday’.

It does get better!

Thank you so much! This was so perfectly written and does help!

I hated the drudgery. The dog got so many walks around the block in that first year - just so I could escape for 10 minutes. And yes, the constant social worker visits. It will get better, and when they feel poorly and all they want is you, that drudgery will pay itself back to you. Going and watching them sleep helped me to recalibrate. Do you have a trampoline or something to keep him occupied for 5 mins while you can sit and have a cuppa?

How early is early? I remember feeling absolutely wretched and someone pointing out I was only 2 weeks into a complete life change for me and for my kids. I’ll post more when I have time but it sounds very normal to me.

I remember when we first got a puppy and it was hard, sometimes I would dream of accidentally leaving the front door open so the puppy walked out and went to live somewhere else. The next time I ever felt that one was the first months of placement. Not sure how I thought a 10 month old that couldn’t yet crawl was going to leave through the front door, but I’m happy to say both puppy (or grumpy old man dog) and my daughter both still here ♥️ hope ur feeling better knowing what your feeling is so normal x

We’re literally 5 days in so super early! All just feels really shell shocked at the moment. He wouldn’t do anything for 5 minutes at the moment without attention but we’re hoping to get a trampoline and build him up to it!

Oh yes that’s super early. My two were 4 and 6 when placed and I really remember my shock at realising they really did need to be next to me all the time. I had thought I could leave them for 2 minutes to load the dishwasher or washing machine but it wasn’t to be for a good while.

I think too the move from being your own person, working and doing your own thing to having someone omnipresent is a very hard adjustment, especially if like mine your little one is touchy feely. You also don’t have school to give a bit of routine and respite. Things that helped was having a routine for the day - pictures on a white board to show the schedule eg morning park, lunch, afternoon swimming, dinner, bath time or whatever. I found swimming was great for physical contact in an activity based place, water is also good for self regulation so win-win. Don’t spend ages setting up craft activities etc - your little one will be entertained for all of 5 minutes for the thing that took 20 minutes to set up and clear up. We did really simple things like chalk on the driveway, water paints etc.
Use the tv for downtime. We had a different Disney movie every day for a month, we all needed the non-intense time together and it gives you a reason to sit on your bum.

Dont stress about housework - do the essentials, and really think about what is now essential. When your child is in bed use the time for you - do not start cleaning and laundry etc. Stop, get a book, a glass of wine, your partner if you have one and take time for yourself. If you have a partner tag team each other or if you have a close friend or relative have them come over for a chat. I know, I know funnelling but I also know my mental health needed someone to be with who reminded me of who I was before I was a mum. A coffee after bedtime won’t hurt anyone, a meet up at the park with another adult will do you the world of good.

You will hit your stride, at the moment you’re coping with huge life changes, trying to get to know a small dependant child who is absolutely terrified, while learning to parent them. Give yourself some grace while you find your feet.

Chalks are great, mine also loved watering the plants, get a small jug or watering can, it kept them the busy for a good amount of time (well ten minutes). You’ve all had a massive shock to the system, you are all strangers, the TV is your friend….so do whatever activities gets you through the day. Easy lunches, easy dinners - don’t get bogged down (like we did) with making sure they ate healthily…all that can come later. It will all pass. And one day the social workers will miraculously disappear (never to be heard from again in our case). But definitely carve out that time for yourself wherever you can.

And only 5 days in!! You are probably already tired out from intros! They were so intense for us. You really are in the trenches right now. It will get better….and congratulations!

After only 5 days you are still at the really early stages. Your life has been turned upside down. He's probably a whirlwind because, so has his and he can't yet even begin to consider whether he can trust you to stick around. You haven't got to know what works for him, for you - try to trust yourself that this IS what you want and you WILL work it out. Do you have a partner so you can give each other breaks?

My first was only 12 months on placement and we were lucky things went pretty smoothly. A highly dependent child is easier to manage; she slept well, ate well, laughed when I tickled her. It wasn't all plain sailing and issues certainly developed later, but those early days carried me / us through. But I vividly remember a day early on where I spent the whole day trying but failing to hang one load of washing out.

However. Second child placed nearly 6 years later aged two and it was very different. She was clingy in a desperate way that was off putting and I felt nothing. Sometimes I felt I disliked her. However, parenting was familiar by then and I got on with it - treated it like a job. I trusted that one day things would fall into place. It took about two years but they did.

Wishing you all the best x

PS Go out! Walk, bike, swim, park. My eldest was diagnosed with ADHD. A day spent at home all day ....never happened for a good long period of her childhood!

But I vividly remember a day early on where I spent the whole day trying but failing to hang one load of washing out.

My two had toiletting difficulties - I vividly remember 17 changes of clothes in one day, and not being able to get stuff in the washing machine for love nor money. I may have cried. A lot.

My eldest had toileting difficulties....for years. I definitely lay down on the sofa and bawled on at least one occasion!

My two had a real food control issue, they just wouldn't eat anything! My husband is a great cook and a big thing for him was giving them good food (I guess it was a way he felt he was nurturing them). They wouldn't even eat what we knew they liked. I remember after we'd tried everything else, we decided to not make a big deal out of anything, and thought that we wouldn't even make eye contact with them and just be breezy about dinner, so we sat them at the table with food they liked and I kid you not, we hid behind the kitchen island! Crazy days...maybe not the right thing to do at the time, but we were spent. Anyway, food is no longer a problem and they enjoy eating and trying new things. I look back now and realise how far we have ALL come.

I remember a friend describing the early days to me as "mother was something you did", it was all the endless doing for someone and no mental space, but gradually, without noticing, mother becomes something you are. its absolutely normal and you are going to be okay.

Oh bless you. Those really early days are hard! You're adjusting to a total life change while also still getting to know your child and them you. You're navigating learning their likes and dislikes and learning their routines and triggers and trying to build bonds all while exhausted and frazzled and touched out and over stimulated.

You're not even getting the time they're at school as breathing space as they're off while they're settling.

Try and make sure, if you're doing this with a partner, that you both tag team and take a little time each day to yourself where you can have a breather.

It does get easier with each day that passes.

i suffered badly with post adoption depression with both my boys especially the second who has major complex needs. speak to your doctor, your family and friends. try to get a bit of time to yourself every day. the beginning is really hard but you will get there. watch them sleep as you will find yourself melting over them and importantly give yourself a break. your whole life has changed and it will take time to re adjust. good luck

I found the beginning so hard. Woke up with a sinking feeling every day and then beating myself up after how long we had waited and how much we wanted to parents. I just had no idea how to fill a day and they felt never ending. Also as we had ten weeks of introductions my husband had to go back to work very quickly after DD came home. We are a year and a half in and it does get easier I promise. One thing that really helped me was an adoption play group locally. Firstly. It filled two hours of a day 😜. But most importantly I did make a group of friends there and the support we gave each other, plus the fact that we would organise activities together really got me through. And they are still really important to us. I also like the fact our dd has friends who are also adopted. Now life is hectic and I'm exhausted but in the main it is easier and we absolutely adore her. Hang on in there xx

It’s very normal. To be ho est for the first 6 months I felt like this on & off. I think it’s the bullshit they tell you about need to bond so in essence you isolate yourself with this kid. Looking back I wish I’d had family members take him off me for a break, even in the early days. And perhaps stayed with them for support. I don’t care what the identi-kit social worker guidelines say, if Mum is crying, struggling etc. you need help.
my social worker was s**t and on the verge of retirement though, so I don’t think she cared if I had a break down or not.

we are all fine & happy now. But mainly cuz I ignored the bad advice, spoke to a psychologist, sent him to nursery 1 day per week & got some help.
xxx