Impact on biological kids

[Georgie743]

Hello! First time posting on this topic. My wife and I (same-sex couple) have a (biological) 9 year old and after a failed IVF round each, and both hitting 40,'are keen to explore long-term fostering (we are in Australia, 'adoption' is incredibly rare here).

im hoping to hear advice/ experience from anyone who has adopted / long-term fostered after already having biological DC. How have DC coped? Is a bigger age gap and opposite sex assumed ideal to minimise jealousy, etc?

ideally we would love a child as young as possible to join our family, but it's unlikely to be a baby / young toddler as we both work FT / close to FT.

Any advice gratefully received!

@Georgie743 hope you’re well. I am in the UK but thought I would share some of my very recent experiences. Me and DH are in our early 40’s we have a biological son who is almost 9 years old this was via IVF. We did not manage to have anymore and recently adopted a daughter. She came to us when she was almost 3 1/2 years old. So a 5 year age gap. Our DS was very excited about getting a sister and the lead up and play dates were great. It was definitely challenging when she moved in and our DS definitely had quieter moments, I think it was the theory versus reality moment.

We made the effort to try and give each child one on one time and made sure he was talking to us about his feelings. Probably about 3 months after move in date, I saw a change in our DS and he was happy to hug her at night time and was more playful with her. They still have moments now but sometimes it is just dealing with a 9 year old and 3 year old siblings.

I would say that opposite sex would be easier because of less competition and wanting to play with your biological child’s toys etc.

I would also say I don’t know what the process is like in Australia but we started in August 2021 when my DS was 5 almost 6 years old and our AD only came to live with us in February this year so 2 1/2 years in the making. I would bear this in mind as well.

I hope that helps. So far it has been so worth it but there will always be challenging moments and we have to be prepared for that. Wishing you luck in whatever you choose to do xx

@Jenhen1982 thank you so much for replying, it's really valuable to hear real experiences. Our DC is 9 too and we'd ideally foster a pre-school age child, so this is interesting to hear how different toys have made things easier! I can imagine my DC not wanting to share certain things!!

also great re 1:1 time with each child. Lots to think about, thanks again X

We are in the UK and our birth child was 9 when we adopted a little boy, almost 4.

That was a decade ago.

It's not been easy but it is what it is. We love our birth child, and our adopted son. They have not had a great relationship, for a combination of reasons. However, I would not change anything.

Just out of interest, why is adoption so rare in Australia?

Thanks @Italiangreyhound. food for thought.

i believe adoption in Aus is rare due to the 'stolen generation', that is the Indigenous people - thousands of children were forcibly removed from their families and sent away to be adopted by white families. The effects are still being felt being felt today.

I can only say completely positive all the way through
BD now 16 was 6 when our 11 month old AD came to us , she is now 10 .

Our BD was kept very involved in the pre meetings , her wishes was for a baby sister and they have bonded beautifully. BD is a very caring girl and now wants to be a social worker . AD wants to adopt and live with us forever .

I don't know why it's worked so well , maybe their individual personalities just work . But both of them think adoption is a great thing

We have a birth dd and an adopted dd. There is 7 years gap, dd was 9 when ds came home. They are really close and have lovely relationship (as well as all the normal sibling annoyances!), dd is early twenties and ds is a teen.
I think them being the opposite sex and having quite a big age gap has helped. It's been a really positive experience for us all.

Thanks so much for this! Yes I think a big age gap will work best. And is likely anyway, considering we will ideally foster a child 4 or under and our DD is already 9, likely 10 by the time we are ready for a placement.