Bio sibling

[Pollylong]

Hi not sure what if looking for really, just some lovely words from lovely people

my youngest has a full bio sibling that the ADM has agreed with ss plan for adoption, it’s not a surprise, we had been approached when bm pregnant about adopting sibling but it’s not something we are currently in the position to do (and have mostly made peace with that)

The bit that I’m struggling is that the sibling was removed at birth, and as long as judge agrees won’t have to experience living with birth parents.

My girl should have had that experience, have spoke about her before, but brief overview early permanence from birth to 19 months, reunification, reunification broke down, daughter therefore experienced
unnecessary trauma with birth parents, and consequential several moves, now back with us and adoption order granted recently, rather than experiencing no moves and consistent care that the early permanence should have offered.

i don’t know, I think I’m jealous, angry, hurt, all on her behalf (and happy that the sibling
is likely to be adopted)

our celebration hearing is tomorrow, I should be focused on that , but instead it’s a fog of sadness for everything that took place in the last nearly 4 years. If everything had of gone the way it should have done, we should have had her celebration hearing years ago, not when she’s nearly 4. All the pain and difficulty getting to this point are really at the surface today

And maybe if I had a done early permanence better, then maybe it would not have been so awful when she left. Was
i not a strong enough person to do it. Would
someone else in my situation coped better, not blurred the lines between foster carer and potential adopter, kept in the foster carer mind set? Is it my fault it was so awful when she left?

You did your very best with what was available and you were allowed to do at the time. None of this was your fault. The mess of 'the system', of humans, that you loved her, and felt all those feelings and grief, all of that is not your fault.

You are allowed all those feelings- the anger that she was failed (not by you), the sadness, the envy, all of that is real, and normal, and valid. You have to hold and carry, and feel all those feelings for her, and then hold and carry, and contain, them for her when she is ready to feel them. You're being asked to do more than is possible... you've been asked to do more than is fair. This is all so unjust.

You're amazing, and it's ok that the amazingness means you have to feel all of these feelings to process them.

You did your best, and none of this is your fault. Feel free to write out all the feelings here if you need to. Do you have someone you can splurge all this to in real life?

Congratulations for tomorrow- feel those feelings then. Tonight, you can sit and feel the anger, grief, envy, sadness. That's ok- we can hold that for you.

@Pollylong
No of course it's none of it is your fault.
You did not make those big decisions or expose her to harm.
You have big feelings about it because you loved and cared about her then, just as you do know.
I am now a foster carer, as well as being an adopter, and have recently had to disrupt the placement. It's been one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make. Yes I have felt guilty but with new information that has come to light since he left, I know I can't spend the rest of my life feeling responsible. I have to move on from those feelings.
I did my best with the cards I was dealt. So did you. Feeling guilty is not going to do your child any good. I think it's natural that you feel sad about the parts you have missed and things that might have been.
But you can't change any of that. All that matters is that she is safe with you now.

I hope you have a lovely day tomorrow

I do tried and avoid what if-ing, and imagining who she would be, what would be different if she hadn’t of gone, but sometimes little things in life trigger it.

and I guess that with the whole situation I had no control, could not make any of the Decisions, could not influence the outcome, the only thing I could control was me.

There’s a part of me that wonders if a different me would have coped better, I now have trust issues in the world, and a health anxiety problem caused by everything that happened. People who hear the story say ur so strong, I could never have done all that, but I feel like a fraud because
of the long term effects of everything that happened.

@Pollylong

I adopted my son when he was 8. He was in special school and very delayed.

I have often wondered about what he would have been like if he had been removed from his family earlier, or not spent 4 years in foster care.
But he is what he is. And that is an amazing young man who will be 20 in a few weeks, he is at university, has loads of friends, he is figuring life out for himself.
As we all are, he is the person he is because of all he has experienced. And I love that person. How can I dwell on what might have been when who he is now is just so amazing ?
Your girl will be who she is, and you will not love her any less. Maybe even the love for her will burn even more fiercely.

You can't change what has happened, you can only set the path for the future. Feeling guilty will not change anything about her past, but may well impact on your parenting in the future.
I do remember your previous posts and to be honest, from your posts on this thread you sound more than a bit traumatised by it all.
I wonder if some counselling would help you.

I adopted my daughter through EP. I can’t speak for others but I know that I would not have coped with having her leave after being with me as long as your daughter was.

@Pollylong all your posts resonate so much with me. Your response to your EP experience and your feelings about what you should have done differently are something I think about alot. While two different stories many elements of your EP journey are similar to mine not least the trauma your LOs was exposed to in a process that is meant to be SO child centred. I have thought about it endlessly and I do now feel certain that it isn't possible to do EP in a detached way. Babies need our complete love and that's what you gave. Withholding or altering any of that would not have given your LO that vital early attachment she needed and it sounds as though that would not have come naturally to you anyway. You loved her completely and in a way that every baby deserves. And you did this inspire of the potential heartbreak. That was brave and that was the right thing to do.

@Pollylong I wanted to second @Ted27 question about counselling. I had this 2.5 years into the process and it was extremely helpful in refraining things that had happened.

I don’t feel any guilt, nothing I have done I need to feel guilt about.

but yes it was traumatic and I am in counselling as I don’t want any of this too impact my parenting 😀.

@EG88 you right every hard thing we did, we did because we love her with all our hearts, we took on very difficult moments because she deserved a 100% all in parents from day one which is what she got. it’s also the reason why I feel like it’s my fault that it hurt so
much when she left, but I know i couldn’t have done it all any other way.

I don’t know many other ep carers, let alone any that have had quite the experience we have. It means I feel a bit tribeless, not having a shared common experience, so navigating if what I feel is normal or common can be difficult. My husband felt the loss as much as I did.

Day by day I don’t dwell on it all, but there are things, such as the potential adoption of the sibling that can open up old wounds. The health anxiety is a direct result of everything, it crept in while we were waiting for the placement order to be granted, when we knew it was likely she was coming home again but not confirmed. my brain was searching for reasons that it would all go wrong again, and it decided illness would be the reason, but this is something the counselling has is focused on.

i guess I just want to feel a bit normal, in a situation that doesn’t happen often. And mope about in the sadness just for a
few hours for the things my little girl has had to endured, before I wake up tomorrow and embrace the celebration that she can never be taken away again, and how important that’s going to be for her, as well as much my husband and our older daughter too
x

@Pollylong I totally understand the feeling of isolation. How do you possibly explain to anyone what it feels like to get the call that the baby you have poured your soul into is leaving and, unlike you were promised, is going back into a situation that is unsafe. The words, "It probably won't work but we need evidence it won't," will never leave me. It is an utterly unique parenting experience and reliving it and processing it is definatly normal. Thank goodness your LO has you now and forever. My story is not your story exactly but I truely believe that living through EP loss and failed reunification results in a very deep and fiercely protective love for our LOs that is impossible to explain and makes our families very unique. Best wishes for such a special day x

@Pollylong like others your post has really resonated with me, although our story is very different to yours. I feel such grief and sadness, but mainly huge amounts of anger for my little one, the harm inflicted by BPs is one thing, but that the harm was allowed by professionals (and in the case of the judge, he ordered my LO to undergo significant harm through contact) drives me to rage. I don't give a shit about workloads, or gathering evidence or (in this specific instance) BP's rights; where were they for my LO- they should have been there to stop it.

I don't know about you but I find it hardest during 'dead' time, particularly in the car, I have to listen to podcasts to stop my mind wandering and the anger seeping in. But then I look at DD and her beautiful face and her even more beautiful soul inside, and it seems to melt away. It doesn't take away the pain, and her behaviours are acute reminders of her early experiences, but looking at her is a reminder that it's all worth it, and that while she didn't deserve what has happened she does deserve the beat that I can give her now.

I truly understand what you mean about feeling tribeless, especially when you're in the midst of feeling traumatised yourself. I don't have any words of wisdom at all, but wanted to say I do empathise.

Really hoping the celebration hearing went well.

It did go well thanks, lovely day, lovely memories.

and got a card from our social work, who has been with us since 2018, saying how wonderful she and the rest of the adoption team think we are for how we have cope with everything in these past 4 years, which was very timely and just what I needed 😀

@Pollylong

Fabulous !

@Pollylong I'm so pleased for you all.

Sadly this is an older sibling thing, unfortunately its often the case that they have to suffer to ease the suffering of their sibling.

We’re on both sides of this, our son is adopted and has lived with me since around 18 months, so fairly young, his birth sister has lived with us since she was around eight weeks old. NICU baby, or it would have been earlier.

It was really hard seeing her able to do things as a young baby that our son couldn’t as a toddler, milestones were always hard as we have no idea when our son had any of his firsts as a baby. Its also hard that she has all these baby pictures and videos, but none of him exist. It got easier once she turned 18 months, but is very very frustrating, especially because in his case there are older siblings, so there was no need at all for him to have remained with birth mum, all professionals advised against it, but a mistake in paperwork meant he couldn’t be removed and it took months to sort out, months where more and mote damage was done.

@Simonjt i think the end of your post I really connect with. 😀

I can on the one hand be thankful that due to my daughter’s experience her sibling won’t have to go through the same experience.

However hearing that the sibling is likely to be adopted, temporarily triggered/woke up that part of me that’s angry at the professionals that messed up my daughter case through reunification when they had ample evidence from older siblings how the situation was going to play out. The knowledge that exactly what they thought would happen if they didn’t remove her at birth, then happened when they returned her does cause anger and frustration x

I once went to a course and the trainer said he believed that foster carers give the best care to their first foster child. Of course that is when foster carers are the least "professional" and just love the child like a parent would.

There is no such thing as "too much love". If you had loved your child less before the reunification, that lack of love would be an issue. You loved her with all your heart and gave her the best possible start and that is something she will benefit from forever. The rest was out of your hands.

You don't know what is in the cards for this baby. My daughters' older siblings think that my daughters got the golden ticket because they were adopted. However, both my daughters have much more severe health issues than their siblings.