Is this motherhood? Feeling trapped

[DenimBear]

This is very much a first world problem, but I'm feeling trapped and can't seem to find any time or space to be myself anymore. I can't even remember who I was before IVF, the adoption process, and parenting came along. I have no interests and no time to pursue them even if I did.

I dread the weekends because they're completely taken up with kids (DD6, DS5 with SEN) and home responsibilities. There's no rest for me during the day at all.

Today is my birthday, and I feel miserable. I can't stand being around my husband or seeing my family, and honestly, I didn't want anything from them this year. My husband just assumed I wanted a family day, but that couldn't be further from the truth.

I'm not massively depressed – I've been there before and know what it feels like – but I'm clearly depressed by my circumstances. I desperately want my life back. My husband earns more than I do, so he works full time, and he also runs a scouting unit during the week.

I've put on weight, and our house is cluttered. I work from home four days a week and there's nowhere in the house that feels like a nice space to sit and relax. I end up hiding in the bedroom when the kids go to bed.

I just needed to vent and see if anyone else has felt the same. Any advice or words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks for listening.

Idk but in a similar boat. Except I don’t think I have ever been ‘anyone’ before I had kids. I feel like I’ve always been this nothing person and now all I am is a dogs body for the kids. It’s also been my birthday this week and I’ve been ill. I seem to pick up every single bug the kids get and it leaves me totally wiped out. I don’t sleep well because I’m on constant high alert. No family help around and dh is at work a lot. I work from home too so don’t get out much. I love the kids but I can’t wait for them to go to bed and get irrationally annoyed when they mess about especially as my toddler tends to wake a lot in the night. I just feel like those few hours are a break I need but then usually spend it feeling shitty that I’ve been grumpy with them. So all in all no advice but you’re not alone

Definitely. It got easier when they went to secondary school. Hang in there.

Sorry things are so tough.

Are both children adopted?

Are your children adopted? Are you getting support as an adoptive parent? Are you in touch with other parents who have adopted? I think the different stresses and stains from these different circumstances mean it is important you have contact with people who understand what you are living with, which is different to what many other people are living with

Happy birthday firstly.
I felt like that today as well. I told my DH I wanted to sit under a duvet and stay there.
I've sneaked on MN loads because of it. Weirdly calms me down.

Advice from me is try take a bath if you can. Maybe crap advice but often helps me.

If your kids are adopted maybe ask Mumsnet to move this to the adoption board - lots of wonderful parents there who really understand the struggle and can signpost support (and give it too)

Thank you for the encouragement. It's my first time posting - friends have been sending me best wishes today and saying that they're hoping I have a wonderful day. I've felt like I've needed to respond with a gushing response about how my family has been really spoiling me today and how I've had a lovely time. Really, I've spent the day cleaning and decluttering after having sent my DH and DCs out for most of the afternoon, and spent the day alone.

@Dressinggowntime I really recognise your point about loving the kids but also not being able to wait till they're in bed!

@Rosie7475 Yes. Both kids are adopted - they've been with us 3.5 years now and are well settled.

To be honest I do think it is or can be parenting. When I’m feeling down myself it can be hard to feel motivated, I just feel like I can’t face another trip to the park or soft play or toddler group. I do, partly because the kids enjoy it but also partly because being in the house with them is ten times harder than not but it can be hard to feel motivated. And weekends can be tough. But then when I’m in a better place generally it’s easier to find it enjoyable or at least to enjoy their enjoyment if that makes sense.

Thank you & great idea about moving the thread. I'd not really thought about the additional stuff that comes from adoption - just get used to it being the way of things.

I can't seem to find a way to contact Mumsnet to ask this - do you know how I'd do this?

Hello, OP. Another Mumsnetter flagged up your post, so we've moved it to our Adoption board. If you need us in future, you can always click 'Report' on one of your posts, or email us as contactus@mumsnet.com.

Yes a lot of parenting is repetitive tasks but you really do need to implement things that make you happy. Can you afford a cleaner to give you extra time on the weekends? Do you have a hobby or do regular exercise? Do you do things on the weekends you all enjoy? Even if it's just going to a park with some greenery with a picnic blanket. Your dh can play football with the kids while you sit down and relax. Also you work 4 days a week. What are you doing on your "day off"? You could exercise and rest in the morning then spend the rest of the day doing a bit of housework.

Parenting can be drudgery but it's up to you to make sure you make the most of life

happy belated birthday!

Adoptive parent here.

Part of what you describe sounds like parenting but something really stood out for me. You seemed to have lost your sense of self. You’ve forgotten about the things that have given you joy before your journey to having your kids. Maybe it’s time to carve out some time for you.

have you applied for dla for both children? That might allow you to work less hours, your husband to work less (and therefore support you all more by being more present), get a cleaner, employ someone to help with childcare, counselling for you (to allow you to process your journey) allow you to rent office space so you aren’t working from home. Whatever you need to support you.

being an adoptive parent is far harder than being a parent of a birth child. It sounds like you just take it all as it comes. Do you have post adoption support? Can you talk through some of what you need with friends, social work or counsellor?

I can’t manage both kids on my own for any more than a couple of hours so if my partner is at work, we have to bring in someone else to help. Otherwise, the stress is too much. I hate myself for admitting it but it’s true. It has helped in every way though because being less stressed means my tolerance for things increases. Can you bring in more help?

when was the last time you had time with friends all day? Could you arrange a spa break or a visit to another city to eat good food and socialise without the pressure of bed time? I think also carving in time with your partner might also be beneficial. Sounds like resentment is starting to build. Does he help around the house? Do his share of cooking and shopping? You both almost work full time so should be shared.

its almost the school holidays. What’s your plan? Will anything change for your family? Are you able to use childcare? Do you have a holiday planned? A change of scenery can help but also bring around a lot of anxiety in children. Also, do you spend much time one to one with the kids?

This was my family about 3 years in. We both reduced our hours to part time which allowed us to tag team a lot. As much as possible, we being in extra support from grandparents and other families (eg my best friend has children of similar ages so arrange to meet at the park for a chat while the kids play). Having extra eyes on the kids allows me to relax slightly and less feeling of alone. My one day off a
week is my time, not time to do housework. I often meet friends for lunch, go for a long walk, read a book. The jobs around the house can wait. I’ve really had to lower my standards and it’s really helped my wellbeing. As long as dishes are done, clothes are washed and bins emptied, does it matter if I only hoover once a week? Not to the kids. Having a happy parent is so much better.

i never thought that when I adopted, I’d be this parent. I thought I would be baking with the kids, cooking as a family, day trips to the zoo would be magical but alas just getting by is all I set my standard to.

sorry if none of this is helpful. I’ve been there (and probably in a much worse place) and got through it. It’s hard but so worth it now. But only because so much had to give and I am ok with that.