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Advice for toddler transitions

13 replies

twentyninestory · 05/07/2024 18:55

We’re doing an accelerated transition so will have only have met in public for a short amount of time before little one (age 3) moves. As we won’t in the foster carers home, we’ll miss out on seeing a lot of care, routines with foster carer etc first hand. We’ll ask lots of questions about these, but it would be great to get some advice.

Any tips for transitions with a toddler? Particularly speedy ones!?

OP posts:
UsernameAlreadyTaken101 · 05/07/2024 20:02

Is there a particular reason why it's being done this way? I found that week with the foster carers invaluable. I really think it helped build the bond and build my own confidence.
If it's not possible then ask for as much info as you can in terms of meals, order of events for bedtime, is there a particular toy or something that comforts them etc.
Keeping the bedclothes, plates, cups that they are used to is really beneficial if they can be passed on. Also note what washing powder and bath products they use. I was given so much stuff it was quite overwhelming at first but it really helped him feel settled and even if it's not your taste you can gradually phase it out.
Asking them if you can text with any questions is good too. e.g. my son ate something which caused a rash and I could text and ask has this happened before.
We are still very close to our foster carers and they are like surrogate grandparents. I know that approach isn't for everyone but I can never thank them enough for how much they helped my son.
Wishing you all the best - it's scary and it's hard but so worth it.

tonyhawks23 · 05/07/2024 20:07

I would have them be as long as possible and really push for that, I think ours were a month of physically present introductions, and if something is preventing it can you do video calls before hand and afterwards (we did them for I think 2 weeks before daily and 2 weeks after daily), read a bed time story on video call etc? We have large photos (face size real size ) to put around foster carers house, and a squishy play photo booklet for them to play with before hand. We took notes on everything and replicated routine and stuck to same food etc. We bought the same cot & used their own slept in bedding without washing. Everything you can the same, cups, etc. Its a really tough time for them so I would push for as long as possible. Good luck!

twentyninestory · 05/07/2024 21:07

Thanks both for speedy responses! Their situation is complex so I can’t share further - if we could have longer, we would have, but it’s not an option. We also will not be able to have ongoing contact with their current placement, and won’t be able to take the items you suggested!

Great idea about washing powder and bath products! Hopefully we’ll be able to get this information.

Are there are activities you did during intros or early into their move that you felt really helped to build your connection? Or anything else (other than replicating current environment) that helped them to settle into their new home?

OP posts:
UsernameAlreadyTaken101 · 05/07/2024 21:21

twentyninestory · 05/07/2024 21:07

Thanks both for speedy responses! Their situation is complex so I can’t share further - if we could have longer, we would have, but it’s not an option. We also will not be able to have ongoing contact with their current placement, and won’t be able to take the items you suggested!

Great idea about washing powder and bath products! Hopefully we’ll be able to get this information.

Are there are activities you did during intros or early into their move that you felt really helped to build your connection? Or anything else (other than replicating current environment) that helped them to settle into their new home?

We met in the park and just played the first time. I think it's important for them to see you getting on with the foster carers so they know you're safe, if that makes sense, so chat to them as much as you can.
During the first few days/weeks we were pretty much a small unit but I quickly realised he needed more company as he had come from a busy household so we went to a few groups and out to the park, shops etc (easy things that you can easily leave if it gets too much).
Also, my little one went crazy when it was bath or toothbrush time even though he used to be fine with foster carers so I didn't push it. I let him play with the toothbrush and watch me and eventually he came round. Similar with the bath, we had short plays without washing hair for a while and I just gave him a wash in the morning. Eventually he came round. Also a similar story with food.
I think it's all very overwhelming for everyone in the beginning but you do what you can to make them feel safe and secure and little by little they learn to trust you.
Just don't beat yourself up if things seem like they aren't going well or even regressing. As my SW said "it's a marathon not a sprint".

UsernameAlreadyTaken101 · 05/07/2024 21:22

UsernameAlreadyTaken101 · 05/07/2024 21:21

We met in the park and just played the first time. I think it's important for them to see you getting on with the foster carers so they know you're safe, if that makes sense, so chat to them as much as you can.
During the first few days/weeks we were pretty much a small unit but I quickly realised he needed more company as he had come from a busy household so we went to a few groups and out to the park, shops etc (easy things that you can easily leave if it gets too much).
Also, my little one went crazy when it was bath or toothbrush time even though he used to be fine with foster carers so I didn't push it. I let him play with the toothbrush and watch me and eventually he came round. Similar with the bath, we had short plays without washing hair for a while and I just gave him a wash in the morning. Eventually he came round. Also a similar story with food.
I think it's all very overwhelming for everyone in the beginning but you do what you can to make them feel safe and secure and little by little they learn to trust you.
Just don't beat yourself up if things seem like they aren't going well or even regressing. As my SW said "it's a marathon not a sprint".

I would add...when going out just keep it to short amounts of time and always back home again so they get used to "coming home".

tonyhawks23 · 05/07/2024 21:38

We bathed together for attachment, and bottle fed snuggled alot, and yes dont push anything at this stage, helping them feel safe is more important than anything so let hair washing, food choices etc take a back seat & make games for these things.
If you can replicate cot/bed do and can also position in same room, same posters etc to do all you can to feel like home.
If any tv they are used to watch that together alot snuggled up and chat about it. Get into Bluey and Frozen, they are brilliant.
Make sure its only you doing things for them, not extended family etc, everything to be done by parent/s.
Cocoon yourselves at home at first and then once you start going out swimming is another good one for attachment like bathing, lots of skin to skin.
Basically treat like a newborn - keep them close. We never left them in a room by themselves like with a newborn you can take them with you, expect to not have private time for some time! Co-sleep if thats what they need, dont worry if they dont accept that though. Remember its early days and will take a long time to make things ok for them, as PP said a marathon!
Narrate everything you are doing as you do it all the time, so they know exactly what is happening and never think you are leaving.
Use a sling round the house for getting jobs done and for walks together for attachment. Ergo are great ones a 3 year old will be fine in.
Expect regression and dont worry, this is a massive upset for them and it will take time, let them grieve and dont take it to heart if they reject you just now, this will all take time.
Talk with your support network and get as much rest as you can as it is intense and exhausting.
Beacon House do great game cards for attachment building games, and its things like rolling ball games, and head shoulders knees and toes, playing row your boat etc, physical touch singing games are good.
Playing disco is fun, again frozens let it go very popular with 3 year olds?

Torvy · 05/07/2024 22:44

If his relationship with FC is good, try to nab as much from their routine as possible, even linguistic habits or pet names for drinks and food. We found it quite endearing to say "what are you crossing for?" Rather than "what are you having a tantrum for" and he responded well.

In terms of speedy and public transitions, I am a strong advocate for making sure they have exactly the same food and drink (down to the brands), and try to take note of the types of things he is wearing.

You could do something like take a tiny treasure/item to him each time and get him to bring it back to you and tell you what it did.

We built connection by doing different games - playing peekaboo, letting him wear our shoes, playing mirroring body language games, letting him pour water from our cups to his etc. anything that meant he had to interact with us. We took him jenga and let him build with us, turn taking and stuff that could be done without words as well because he was quite quiet and refused to speak to us much, but he enjoyed that. He also enjoyed playing hide and seek but if it is all in public that might be a bit much. Try to get on his level, copy him and what he is doing, you could make it into a game or just allow him to come a bit closer each time if he is shy.

Could you do something to make him laugh, like wear a t-shirt with a funny character on it that he likes, or matching shoes with him, do a 'magic trick' of bringing a coin out of his ear? Ours love that sort of nonsense.

We got a talking book with photos in and pictures of their bedroom with the transition toys and played a very simple 'wheres wally' type game with them each time we saw them, and then they took it back and they could press the buttons and play us saying the same thing. You can Amazon prime them for expediency.

Smell is important too- can you give them a jumper of yours that you have slept in for them to sleep with or cuddle until they come to you?

I feel like I'm a walking advert for them but you can get a Tonie box that you can record your voice onto a little figurine, so they can play you reading them a story and get used to your voice. It's also easy to charge and doesn't require adults to put it on or do it, they literally just put a small figure on top of a box, so it might mean he is able to do it more if FC aren't playing ball with showing him stuff.

Make sure you take as many photos of them and you in the FC placement or with the FC if at all possible. Even if it isnt working out for whatever reason, it's about the build being able to connect you to that place and have a coherent narrative. Could they be persuaded to record some videos that could be played to him at a later date?

In terms of settling in, keep it very much the same every day until you die of boredom. Honestly. For our eldest, we literally did the same thing over and again and it was so helpful to establish our routine and get us to understand what was a typical reaction to stuff. After 3 weeks we occasionally changed stuff up by going to a different park or adding in a visit to the corner shop. Heady delights indeed! But it meant we could really settle in. We even did the same food for him every night when he started refusing to eat. We cosseted and babied him and got him whatever nice stuff to eat he wanted, smoothies, biscuits, stuff like that. Our therapist suggested making sure he always sat with us when he ate to associate us with the nice stuff. We sat up with him at night and sang him endless lullaby songs. We played baby games like him stepping on our toes and 'dancing' and swinging him up like a baby. He slept with the lights on as well.

Do plenty of screen free activities, but also remember that TV might have been a comfort and a familiar thing for them. Cbeebies is a bit of a staple in many houses, and they might find the option to turn their brain off and watch moon and me or hey duggee comforting. Once we got rid of the idea that we wanted them to be screen free, it allowed us to build TV into the routine and it was like magic. He wanted to watch cocomelon on repeat and it was something that he found so calming that it reduced his outbursts.

Also, on a side note, If he is a crier, I can also highly recommend loop earplugs. It sounds awful, but I suffered so badly from overstimulation in the early days, I was so stressed and overwhelmed and the noise was just... Unbearable. It made me so much more empathetic when it wasn't like nails down a chalk board squealing and screeching.

Think carefully about his stuff. Has there been a plan? We had to sneak out LOs stuff out in bin bags disguised as rubbish because it was too distressing for him to see it come to ours. But that does have a knock on- he is now always worried that his stuff will go missing now. Could he pack some of his chosen precious stuff in a trunki and give it specially to you as a symbol of him making that transfer? You can pick up trunkis on FB marketplaceplace for about a tenner, or new from Halfords for £25 that I bet he would love. You could get one of something he would like. You can tow him on it around the park or shopping centre, and kids love that, give it to him to take home and the collect it the next day, getting him to show you what he chose to put in it. (As a guide, when they got to take what they wanted to grandmas for our first sleep over, he took a necklace, 3 pairs of undies, a mini monster truck and a bit of plastic tubing) but the point is you are showing him that you think what he thinks and feels is important.

On a final note, take care of yourself too. It's a difficult time, so be kind to yourself and make sure you are getting as much rest as possible.

tonyhawks23 · 06/07/2024 07:15

Oh yes for public beginnings get some bubbles,and pushing on swings.later at home a bubble machine is wonderful and cheap on Amazon,and playing sticker books and musical bumps when your tired.take photos early on (before move if possible)of you and them,and put up in the house in their view.build a bear also do an option to record your voice so can give them lullaby cuddles before move.

Jellycatspyjamas · 06/07/2024 09:50

From your OP it sounds like you won’t have much, if any, contact with foster carers?

For public meetings I’d bring bubbles, balloons, tiny puppets - basically toys you can play with alone and the little one can chose to join in. Take it at their pace and let them come to you, lots of narration about what you’re doing or what they might want/need in much the same way you’d do with a new born.

In moving in, you’re going to be figuring out a lot of stuff as you go, so be patient with yourself and with them. Have an idea of what you plan to do and include them in it rather than giving lots of choice (will we have some lunch, what about cheese or ham). Games that involve physical contact/interaction so clapping games, row your boat, rolling a ball, finger paints etc have a google for theraplay games which are designed to support interaction, bonding and attachment.

What information are you likely to have from foster carers? Can you give them a list of questions, or give it to your social worker to go through with them? I’d be focussing on things like how they settle little one to sleep, how they like to be comforted, what the daily routine is like. Things that can help you build a bit of familiar structure but if they can’t give you that, try not to worry because you’ll build your own routines in time.

Take things easy, the first few weeks are about survival and building a new relationship with this little one. Everything else can take a back seat, and will need to. If you expect it to be very hard you’ll prepare for that and might be surprised if it’s easier.

You are going to feel like a bomb has gone off in your life - expect to feel completely at sea for quite some time and don’t judge yourself for that.

Take lots of photos, of them doing everything from the mundane to the more interesting. Our early photographs are my kids most treasured possessions- they love looking at them and remembering what it was like for them to come to a new family. And I love seeing how far we’ve all come since those scary, chaotic early days.

Noimaginationforaun · 06/07/2024 10:11

We had a tricky transition with our 2YO and also couldn’t keep contact with FC. Transitions were very hard, uncomfortable and it was a generally very stressful time. We also never got to see much routine etc that is usually planned for.

We started afresh at home. We found getting up at the same time every morning, getting washed and dressed, breakfast and then out the house for a walk or the park together with a snack before back for lunch, a nap and then afternoon play before tea, bath, story, bed. We kept to that exact routine for a good few months before we could start relaxing it a bit (lazy mornings in pjs, not going out every day etc) could be introduced. The predictability of the day really helped. We could get to know each other, behaviours were easier to manage because we didn’t have to think about what was coming next etc. Family slotted in with our routine.

To fast forward you, he is now 5 and thriving. Absolute love of our lives. It was extremely stressful in the beginning and, it your circumstances are anything like ours, it felt like we would break sometimes, but it did all work out and now I know I would do it a million times over for him.

Beetham · 06/07/2024 21:01

A close friend had a similar transition to you (it was an early pernamence, the child went to them straight from a SGO placement with extended family that sadly broke down). They found nursery incredibly helpful, is LO at nursery and can you chat to them, observe them, find out their favourite toys etc? Or if not someone else (respite carer, health visitor, leader from local play group etc.) who you could chat too?

However I strongly agree with @Noimaginationforaun to make very simple and very predictable routines, I took things incredibly slowly and in hindsight still wish I had gone slower!

twentyninestory · 08/07/2024 19:35

Thank you all so much for your ideas and sharing your experiences. Really value this safe space and feeling much more confident and reassured now as we embark on this next step!

OP posts:
Hippocalipo · 02/02/2025 19:46

Torvy · 05/07/2024 22:44

If his relationship with FC is good, try to nab as much from their routine as possible, even linguistic habits or pet names for drinks and food. We found it quite endearing to say "what are you crossing for?" Rather than "what are you having a tantrum for" and he responded well.

In terms of speedy and public transitions, I am a strong advocate for making sure they have exactly the same food and drink (down to the brands), and try to take note of the types of things he is wearing.

You could do something like take a tiny treasure/item to him each time and get him to bring it back to you and tell you what it did.

We built connection by doing different games - playing peekaboo, letting him wear our shoes, playing mirroring body language games, letting him pour water from our cups to his etc. anything that meant he had to interact with us. We took him jenga and let him build with us, turn taking and stuff that could be done without words as well because he was quite quiet and refused to speak to us much, but he enjoyed that. He also enjoyed playing hide and seek but if it is all in public that might be a bit much. Try to get on his level, copy him and what he is doing, you could make it into a game or just allow him to come a bit closer each time if he is shy.

Could you do something to make him laugh, like wear a t-shirt with a funny character on it that he likes, or matching shoes with him, do a 'magic trick' of bringing a coin out of his ear? Ours love that sort of nonsense.

We got a talking book with photos in and pictures of their bedroom with the transition toys and played a very simple 'wheres wally' type game with them each time we saw them, and then they took it back and they could press the buttons and play us saying the same thing. You can Amazon prime them for expediency.

Smell is important too- can you give them a jumper of yours that you have slept in for them to sleep with or cuddle until they come to you?

I feel like I'm a walking advert for them but you can get a Tonie box that you can record your voice onto a little figurine, so they can play you reading them a story and get used to your voice. It's also easy to charge and doesn't require adults to put it on or do it, they literally just put a small figure on top of a box, so it might mean he is able to do it more if FC aren't playing ball with showing him stuff.

Make sure you take as many photos of them and you in the FC placement or with the FC if at all possible. Even if it isnt working out for whatever reason, it's about the build being able to connect you to that place and have a coherent narrative. Could they be persuaded to record some videos that could be played to him at a later date?

In terms of settling in, keep it very much the same every day until you die of boredom. Honestly. For our eldest, we literally did the same thing over and again and it was so helpful to establish our routine and get us to understand what was a typical reaction to stuff. After 3 weeks we occasionally changed stuff up by going to a different park or adding in a visit to the corner shop. Heady delights indeed! But it meant we could really settle in. We even did the same food for him every night when he started refusing to eat. We cosseted and babied him and got him whatever nice stuff to eat he wanted, smoothies, biscuits, stuff like that. Our therapist suggested making sure he always sat with us when he ate to associate us with the nice stuff. We sat up with him at night and sang him endless lullaby songs. We played baby games like him stepping on our toes and 'dancing' and swinging him up like a baby. He slept with the lights on as well.

Do plenty of screen free activities, but also remember that TV might have been a comfort and a familiar thing for them. Cbeebies is a bit of a staple in many houses, and they might find the option to turn their brain off and watch moon and me or hey duggee comforting. Once we got rid of the idea that we wanted them to be screen free, it allowed us to build TV into the routine and it was like magic. He wanted to watch cocomelon on repeat and it was something that he found so calming that it reduced his outbursts.

Also, on a side note, If he is a crier, I can also highly recommend loop earplugs. It sounds awful, but I suffered so badly from overstimulation in the early days, I was so stressed and overwhelmed and the noise was just... Unbearable. It made me so much more empathetic when it wasn't like nails down a chalk board squealing and screeching.

Think carefully about his stuff. Has there been a plan? We had to sneak out LOs stuff out in bin bags disguised as rubbish because it was too distressing for him to see it come to ours. But that does have a knock on- he is now always worried that his stuff will go missing now. Could he pack some of his chosen precious stuff in a trunki and give it specially to you as a symbol of him making that transfer? You can pick up trunkis on FB marketplaceplace for about a tenner, or new from Halfords for £25 that I bet he would love. You could get one of something he would like. You can tow him on it around the park or shopping centre, and kids love that, give it to him to take home and the collect it the next day, getting him to show you what he chose to put in it. (As a guide, when they got to take what they wanted to grandmas for our first sleep over, he took a necklace, 3 pairs of undies, a mini monster truck and a bit of plastic tubing) but the point is you are showing him that you think what he thinks and feels is important.

On a final note, take care of yourself too. It's a difficult time, so be kind to yourself and make sure you are getting as much rest as possible.

I realise this is an old thread, but you are amazing! Such detailed advice. Do you have any recommendations for when a baby/toddler is grieving their foster family, especially at bed time? Love your advise.

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