Not sure what to think of this

[Treeoflife21]

So The last time I came in here was a while ago and I mentioned that ds was now of the age where he can meet up with bm again after many years as he has always said he wanted to. We always discussed scenarios of how this might play out on either side and of the possibility either of them may not be quite ready for it. Anyway moving on nearly two years all went well thankfully and they enjoyed each other’s company lots and having lots of catch up days. However now things appear to have slowed down distinctly on bm’s side as he’s now seen her once since before Christmas compared to them going out nearly every week! I’m not happy about this situation. I have spoken to both of them about it. Ds insists he’s fine with it and says they don’t need to see each other all the time - a year ago he would never have said that!! Of course they don’t need to but I’m concerned now she’s slowing things down and basically controlling us. She keeps saying she’s busy, working, (we all are!) not well, also saying he’s always busy with friends (that really bugged me that one!! He barely socialises ever. He has a very close small group of friends who all in fact work and he rarely sees them these days. He’s now an adult himself and looking for work but happened yet. I don’t want to be talking to him about it too much and have him think I’m being critical or ‘judgy’ but I can’t help my thoughts. It’s not fair on him I don’t think. Am I being unnecessarily concerned or should I be? He’s so not the type to question anything and it was also the plan that he would find out about his life and his past which she has never approached either. I feel a bit stuck in my own head. He is an adult now (18) and can make up his own mind but at the same time his anxiety stops him making decisions and he can never really figure out what’s in front of him.

How do you feel she is controlling you?
From the outside looking in, I'd say that near weekly meet ups is just not feasible to sustain. It sounds very pressured. Maybe she has just run out of steam?

Maybe it would be better now they have had a chance to get to know each other just to agree a pattern of visits, eg once around Christmas, Easter, his birthday, her birthday.
If you are waiting for her to tell him his life story to be honest I'd forget it. Get him some proper therapeutic life story work which will also be able to put this time with her into context.
At 18 he can of course also ask to see his file

With the utmost respect respect, as an adoptee, it is his business what relationship he has with his natural mother. Plus, this is common in 'reunion',its not always happy ever after, like what's portrayed in films and media. If your son says he's happy with what's going on, please accept. His relationship with his mother isn't your business. Who's plan really was it for him to find out about his past, seems clinical? No doubt you love your son, however, adoption (as you know) is complex. For the anxiety, suggest he sees his doctor or a an adoptee competent therapist. Multiple layers of feelings here and this one you can only support, but please do not interfere. I'm in Réunion at it's very tough on all parties. All parties,including yourself, though please don't centre yourself here. You probably don't think you are, but you really are.

I agree with other posters. Up to your son. Support but leave the situation to him.

Good luck.

Like I said I don’t want him to think I’m critical of her. I certainly don’t go interfering in it and I do let him deal with it. However my son does not find it easy to ask questions and he’s always told me himself, it didn’t come from me or anyone else, that he wants to know about his life. Yes it’s about him, not me and I completely am aware and respectful of that. He knows I will always help out where I can if he wants me to but it’s his life and he has to find things out his way. I wanted them to go easy from the start meeting back up again and taking it steady but my son is the sort of boy that gets and idea and just goes with it. I always asked bm if she was ok with the regular meetings and she insisted she is. She was the one who decided they would have expensive days out etc. So if that now is the case then I think he at least deserves to know that. These are just my own private thoughts which I have not shared with my son or would concern him with but I want to know he is being treated fairly

I suspect that now your son is an adult maybe BM think he doesn't need/want to see her as often. Personally I think weekly meets are too much for anyone. Particularly in the UK families aren't that close and I wouldn't expect a normal British family to see each other every week let alone with the added complexities of adoption. If I were you I might send a message letting BM know that son misses the meets and asking whether she could commit to a bi-monthly meet up

The whole thing was my son’s idea. I wanted to meet his bm. It is his business you’re right. My only concern is the way it’s always been one sided