Not sure what to do next

[Ascoolasacucumber]

I'm due to have my baby in a few days
However there's no way I'm going to be able to keep it...adoption is my only option

I have no family (yes non - they're all dead) and no family anywhere in the distance (they're all dead too)

So therefore I have no support system - friends yes but no one I could rely on for anything

I have no savings - I didn't inherit anything from any of my family members dying and my Job doesn't pay well enough to save

Before anyone says why didn't you have an abortion - I didn't know I was pregnant until so far into my pregnancy and since I have no family members left I kind of hoped there would be a chance i could be a mum and raise a daughter

However I now realise that's probably highly unlikely
My partner works until 5pm every day, that won't change. Going out to work 6pm-10pm or even 6-12pm isn't going to give me near enough money to live
Neither is it fair on my partner when he has to get up for work the next day

I'm not prepared to do night shift- it's not something I'll even consider.

I can't claim benefits because I live with my partner and he owns his own house. But doesn't have any savings either neither is he in a particularly well paid job. I also refuse to let him pay for everything it's not right

I'm not going to be able to get 15 hours free childcare as I live in Scotland. The rules are different to those in England
I wont be able to go to work and pay for any childcare as I don't earn enough to cover the costs

I'm going to be alone every single day with a screaming baby and I'm extremely concerned about how ill cope. I'm not a baby person, I haven't been brought up around kids and I've no idea what they need/want

So as you can see just from the posts above, adoption is my only option. Not in my best interests - for those of the child

I don't want or need anyone guilt tripping me into saying it's the wrong thing to do. It's clearly obvious it's the right thing to do

I just don't know what to do next?

Do I mention it to them at the hospital when I go to give birth? Or wait until a little while afterwards?
All of this is seriously affecting my mental health and i can't take the constant worry

I won't change my mind cos I know it'd be the wrong decision and I'm not going to put myself through that

I don't get attached to anything because of the way my life has worked out and I think the younger the baby is when I give them up the less damaging it will be

Has anyone else put there baby up for adoption? Most specifically in Scotland?

That sounds very difficult. I am sorry you are going through this.

You need to contact social services in your local authority and let them know that you want to place your baby for adoption. They will advise you. Does your partner have any family who could support you or raise the baby? Does he agree with the adoption plan? It is best for children to grow up in their birth families.

I am in England, but I assume that that proces if similar. Social services will first place your child with a foster carer and then find an adoptive family. Alternatively, your baby might be placed in a "foster to adopt" family, meaning the family will first be foster carers and then able to adopt your child. The less moves your child has, the better for them. You will have no involvement or choice in who your baby is adopted by. Usually adoptive families write to birth parents once a year to keep them updated on how their children are doing. That is called letterbox contact.

https://www.scottishadoption.org/adoption/for-pregnant/ has an online guide for women considering adoption

No his family don't have anyone that could adopt
He wants what's best for me and the baby

I'm fully aware a baby is best with there birth parents but if you cant financially afford it there isn't a lot of choice
Nothings going to change, even if I got a different job it'd still be the same situation

And no his family have no one that can support me
Neither should they have to
I'm not there family...his partner yes but that doesn't mean they in any way legally have to support me
As if I wasn't with him they'd have nothing to do with me......

@Ascoolasacucumber

I'm sorry that you feel you have no option.
If it wasn't for the financial issues would you want to keep this baby?

Have you actually looked at the benefits you might be entitled to. Home ownership does not exclude you from benefits, at the very least you would get child benefit.
Don't wait till you are about to deliver the baby. Contact your midwife now and tell her how you are feeling.
On a practical level, it's not easy to give a baby up for adoption. There will be social services involvement, assessments and reports, legal processes. All this can take months.
Emotionally of course it's a huge decision, don't underestimate the impact it will have on you. Adopted children today are told their life stories, you also need to be prepared that in future they may come looking for you.
This is such a huge decision, talk to your midwife, your partner. Don't act in panic or haste.

I hope you can come to the best decision for you

Yes you can get child benefit but in the grand scheme of things what is £25 a week going to do??

Can't claim any other benefits
My partner has his own house
and works apparently enough to support me as well. But that's not happening
I'm not having him pay for everything while I sit at home with a child until theyre 3 year old
It would drive me crazy and its not right or fair on him

There's no point telling my midwife. They take days to reply I'm going to hospital on Monday

And regarding the effect it would have on me....I've had the most horrific life you could imagine anyway so I don't think giving up a child could be any worse than everything else I've put up with
I'm not posting details about it all on here its irrelevant to my post and its private information

@Ascoolasacucumber

He is the child's father, as much his responsibility as yours.
No one is or would ask you to disclose information here, but you do sound very distressed. You do need to seek help as soon as possible.
Is your partner being supportive?

I'm not distressed I just need to know what to do next which is why I thought I'd try asking for help on here
I'm not in a position to have a child...I'm also getting old (middle 40s) and since I have no family it concerns me greatly the child will also grow up with no family. They'll never have any aunties/uncles/brothers/sisters etc

My thought behind adoption etc...they will hopefully go to someone with a big family, enough money to give them a nice life and give them the life they truly deserve

I'm not going to see them go without for the sake of being with me. I as a child had nothing and i dont want the same for them
trust me - its not something i just randomly decided. Its because i have a good heart and i care

Stupidly I thought since I've had so many horrible things happen In life it would be nice to have a child...to have someone I could call family. I thought I could make it work otherwise I'd never of put myself in this position

However Ive realised the hard way I can't. Yes I know there's loads of young mums that manage etc etc they will no doubt also have a support group or family to help. I literally have no one

OP, you sound to me like you have built a wall of independence around yourself.

Your partner is the father of your joint child. You need to be a unit working together. Let him support you whilst your joint child is young. Let your joint child have their family, let his family support you, the mother of their grandchild/niece/nephew.

Unless you really don't want to be a mother, or be with your partner of course.

That's not doing it for me though....
And sadly it's not as simple as that. That's what happens in a perfect world

Imagine if I wasnt to be with him anymore. Afterall nothings guaranteed forever

Hi
I hope you don't find this post into guilt tripping you.
Just a couple of observations you mention several times how your partner feels and how it should not effect him it's not fair etc however I am presuming he's the father?? So he is responsible and therefore it should be fair on him you made the baby together! When you mention about not getting up for work etc to a screaming baby that's just sometimes the way it is they won't always be a baby you are giving a baby/ toddler /teenager up for adoption as your child will be this one day. It's not ideal but thousands of parents do it and you might not get a bad sleeper.

You mention your upbringing which sounds horrific and by no means would we understand what you have been through but in lots of cases there is evidence that parents breed x then that child breeds X but you can be different it will be hard and it will require work and support don't feel that because you had poor parents you will make a poor parent .

You will be entitled to finances , I think you should look into these now .

You have said you won't be contacting midwife as they don't return calls you need to call and explain the situation and call your local SS authority now and get the advice.

It's not a quick process if you think that once you have given up the child to ss there's so much paperwork etc involved so you might not see this baby but you are going to have to discuss her.

The post does come across that it's for 2 reasons finances and lack of family support, the finance you can get help with the support you have each other , you said the partner has family?? And your upbringing which is all very hard but if you took all of this out the equation would you still think about adoption??

I really hope that you get some good advice maybe more specific to Scotland and you make the best decision for you all but not in haste.

There's lots of support online, your local authority do reach out.

The child I adopted was given up by its mother in Scotland so I may be able to help advise you - send me a message if you need to.

My child is a ‘relinquished’ child and was given up at birth. You need to contact your local authority asap and speak to the adoption and fostering team to let them know what you are thinking. They will assign a social worker for you (in part to look after your needs) and the child will get a different one at birth. They will help you to look at all options and discuss kinship carers with you. They will also lay out the possible mental effects of adoption for both you and the child so it’s not as easy as just handing the baby over. Their job is to make sure you go into it with your eyes wide open and their preference is always to keep children in birth families where possible.

After birth you will be asked to sign forms to pass responsibility over to the council (eg for medical needs) and the child would be placed with a foster family or a prospective adoptive family. You have six weeks after the birth to let the hormones and emotions settle a little and you can change your mind at any point during this period. You would need to consider if you want to see the baby during this time. You also need to register the child’s birth even if you don’t name them yourself.

After the six weeks is up you’ve still got a long road before the child is adopted as you will still have forms to complete, meetings to attend (or receive minutes for) and decisions to make about ongoing contact (ie letterbox contact) if you wish it. You will be asked for your preferences re adoptive parents but these may not be possible to fulfil (eg religious/gender/nationality). You will also have options to meet the family if you wish.

Please pm me if you want any more information, although my knowledge is from the other side of the situation.

Good luck and I hope you make the decision that is right for you.

@Ascoolasacucumber I am so sorry this sounds so tough.

I wish you all the best in whatever route you take. I do hope you will be offered some counselling and can engage with that. I am sure that this will be hard and you will need all the emotional support you can get.

I’m a social worker in Scotland and an adoptive parent, so hopefully can give useful advice.

I hear that this is the wrong time for you to have a child and I hear all the worries you have. I also hear your hope that you’d have biological family and that your concern for your child overrides that hope.

In terms of finances, the system in Scotland is geared specifically to keep children out of poverty. Having a child changes what you’re entitled to even if your partner is working and owns his own home. You’d be entitled to the child element of universal credit, along with child benefit and the Scottish Child Payment. You’d also be entitled to a Best Start Grant and support with food costs via the Best Start Foods scheme. Scotland gives full time nursery care to all parents once their child is 3 and will extend this to two year olds for vulnerable parents (which you’d fall into given you’re thinking about adoption).

In saying that, finances are just one part of becoming a parent. If you are thinking about adoption you need to contact the social work department and speak to the adoption and fostering team. Your midwife can help with that but you should do that sooner rather than later because the process takes time. They will need to ensure there is no biological family who would be prepared to care for and raise the child - including your partner and their family. They will also really explore with you why you want to relinquish the child and will explore the supports you would need (if possible) if you were to keep the child. They will also want to be sure you aren’t being pressured by your partner or in an abusive relationship making you chose something you wouldn’t otherwise chose.

The baby would go into foster care, possibly on an early permanence placement if one was available, until an adoptive family were found and the legal process removing you and your partners parental responsibilities took place.

It isn’t easy relinquishing a child, for good reason, but it’s not easy being a parent either.