Therapy for adoptive parents

[hollytree1]

I wanted to ask about people's experience of accessing therapy for themselves as adoptive parents, with a focus on supporting APs in their own right rather than with a sole focus on the child. Apologies for the long post, I tried to be consise.

For some background my DD experienced extreme emotional, sexual and physical abuse, as a result of her brain injuries she is profoundly disabled and also experiences the v high level of distress and anxiety you would expect for someone who lived through what she did. Recently there has been work on the case review as well as another trial for BPs for the indecent images they made of her (as these charges weren't covered in the first trial, they are already serving long sentences anyway). These recent events coupled with the slog of parenting a profoundly disabled child who lives in constant fight or flight has tipped me over the edge a bit, I feel angry all the time about BPs and the professionals who failed her, and I'm feeling bitterness about adopting her.

I have had 16 sessions of therapeutic parenting sessions approved via ASF, I didn't necessarily request therapeutic parenting sessions, that was what the RAA applied for and I went along with it. First session was today and I feel so upset, the therapist wants to ask the RAA to reassign the sessions to be theraplay as she feels that will benefit us more, she stated this repeatedly and very strongly. I don't think she realises how disabled DD is and how high her anxiety is as some of the examples she gave were rediculous to think that she could ever take part in them, although I did try to explain. She also said she doesn't want to talk alot about BPs with me or go over the recent trial as 'what's done it done and talking won't change that', but I don't have anyone else to talk to about it, the information is so sensitive and horrific I can't talk to friends or family about it, but it really eats at me all the time.

I don't know what to do, I could pay for some private therapy but I had to leave work (as a single adopter) to care for DD so we're on benefits and I am concerned about the cost. I hate feeling this way but don't know how to improve our situation.

@hollytree1

That sounds so very tough for you. Yes you do need a space to talk about your feelings.
We had DDP approved several years ago from ASF. We basically took it in turns, one week it focused on him, the next it was about me, without him present. So potentially something there to look into.

Can you go back to your SW and be blunt with them, the therapist isn't addressing what you need and rather than waste time and money you want something else. It would be helpful though if you had a clearer idea of what you want.
Hopefully other people will be along with ideas for specific therapies.
My so is grown up so we are way past a lot of this stuff. Buy what really helped me was to build a network of fellow adopters, some online, some in person. That does take time though - do you have any adoption groups near you.
I think you might have to think again about family and friends. Is there anyone you trust implicitly. You don't have to share the details but you could share your feelings around it. I have a couple of very trusted friends and my mum, they know a lot, but by no means everything and they support me.
I'm conscious that like me you are a single adopter and it's not always easy to carve out the time to do things for yourself. But you are carrying a huge burden and it had to find release somewhere.
I've fostered a very complex teenager over the last year. Emotionally and mentally he has driven me to the edge. As a foster child I'm obviously not allowed to share much. I've had to find different ways to work out my stress. I've been doing some yoga and meditation which has helped enormously.
Are you getting all the benefits you are entitled to ? DLA for Dd and and as you aren't working Carers allowance for you.

Keep posting, we all know how tough it can be

Hi
That sounds like a very stressful and difficult situation for you both .
We had sessions with both of us and our child in a centre that was full of soft play etc and we were on our own but monitored via camera then we would have a meeting then next week with the therapist who assessed the sessions.
We had sessions together as a 3 then ones seperately with daddy and AS and me and AS.
My husband found them very helpful and he found he could work out the trigger etc I found them pretty rubbish but found the session afterwards helpful so after this was completed I was very honest and said what I thought was working and 20 sessions were funded for me and the therapist to do a one to one online fortnight ly where it's my opportunity to discuss my child I don't hold back I'm really honest and we concentrate on how my feelings from childhood etc impacts on how I react to my child and they have helped hugely and our relationship is the best it's been for a long time so I'm grateful that there is this person for me .
It is All paid via ASF but I also paid for a private therapist too.

Regards to someone to talk to if you can find a close friend or family member that you are confident that would not share the information it would be a good idea! You only have to share what your comfortable with plus it's someone for you discuss your feelings etc and like ted27 said to seek support whether it he in local groups, forums like here etc.

I would ask the local authority or who you adopted with a list of local groups you could join , and be more honest with the therapist and discuss what you want not what they want you to.
This might sound very silly but I would write a letter to the BP that nobody sees just for you where you tell them if you could how you feel it's very cathartic 😊

I think you are doing a amazing job single adopter, child with significant needs it's a huge role so don't be too hard on yourself, us mums rock 💗

Hopefully I haven't rambling too much and some others might pop on with some advice too.

Honestly the best thing I did was to have weekly therapy as a new adopter. I saw someone who was relational in approach (person centred/psychodynamic) and it made the world of a difference. Having space where I could talk openly about my experiences as a parent, how that differed from my hopes and dreams, struggles bonding with DD, the changes to my identity and sense of self, my anger at the system and my concerns for the future was absolutely invaluable.

I’d be very clear that what’s on offer isn’t what you need. DDP is good for attachment and bonding but it sounds like you need something that’s just for you. Are you getting DLA for your child, could you use part of that to fund private therapy? It’s a legitimate use to help you with the additional demands of parenting. I went private because I wanted to chose my therapist and also wanted control over how long I could go for - I worked with her for 2 years and it’s the best investment I’ve made as a parent and a person.

I had therapy to help me after an extremely traumatic concurrency experience which left me finding it almost impossible to let LO out of my sight because of what happened to him during unsupervised contact sessions. The time had come for me to return to work and I was paralysed at the thought of leaving him because of what had happened. It was the best thing I have ever done. It was the first time I could talk about what had happened and they worked a lot at reframing the concept of me, "leaving." I was under time pressure to get support but could you access therapy through your GP that is focused on you xx

This won't replace specific therapy, but in the meantime if you are struggling the natp (national association of therapeutic parenting) offer one 45 minute listening session a month to members. It is £65 for a years membership, so about £5 per session. You can purchase additional sessions too. They also do listening circles that might help. I wonder whether the ASF might support your membership of that?

Alternatively, could you reach out to your local children's centre? Mums aid do some counselling sessions at ours and they are free. Or the library is sometimes a good place to start.

I wonder whether there might be some specific 'special interest' groups you could look into for support too- for example an LGBT charity in our local area offers in counselling sessions free to LGBT people, or I know various faith groups have counsellors if you are that way inclined. If not they may be able to signpost you.

In terms of the theraplay, do you think it would be more helpful than the therapeutic parenting stuff? It can be hard to judge, but I've not found many TP courses super helpful in my actual life, whereas I've found some of the theraplay stuff we have started to do helps a bit. I don't know how disabled your child is, but some of the tasks they do can be relatively basic- building towers, putting on hats, making pigs squeak, putting lotion on each other, feeding each other crisps. Obviously it depends on whether your child could access that sort of stuff. We did the assessment ,(currently on the waiting list for the actual sessions and doing the suggested tasks prior to actual thing because #waitinglists lololol) but put the kibosh on some things that we knew would cause our eldest significant distress, so I would also say that if you do do it, you can also set the limits as to what is and isn't going to happen.

I do have a question for any PPs who have secured therapy and found it helpful though- how did you go about finding a therapist? Did you just look them up online? Is there a special filter you can tick or place that lists that they work with adoptive parents?

Thank you all for your comments they were incredibly helpful.

In terms of therapy for me I think I've known for a while that seeking private therapy that isn't reliant on nhs waiting lists or ASF funding applications, and can therefore be about me would be best, but I'd been putting it off on the basis of cost. The experiences that have been shared above are really helpful, I will figure it out financially to make it work. @EG88 your story about receiving support following something that happened during contact (when our children should have been protected by SWs and judges decisions) particularly resonates.

Currently I don't think there's much scope within my family and friends for emotional support about it, my close family can't manage talking about it which I obviously respect, two of my closest friends are amazing in almost every way apart from keeping secrets- this they are both appalling at, although I've told them I'm finding things difficult they would never guess the scale of what I'm dealing with. One good friend and fellow adopter knows but very sadly her oldest DD is currently living out of the home with other family following years of significant violence, and things are wobbling towards a return to care/section 20, so understandably she has been focused on things at home.

I am meeting with my SW tomorrow to discuss the specifics of this current package of support, my SW has a good understanding of DDs abilities and needs so hopefully that will be helpful. When I had a previous ASF therapeutic parenting package it was much more about discussing triggers, coping strategies, venting about behaviours, proactive approaches etc. And I thought it would be the same this time but as I say the therapist felt differently. I am not opposed to theraplay its just how it would work, @Torvy thank you for those examples, DD may be able to take part in some but I'm just not sure.

Thank you again for all your help, it's really appreciated

Just ro update; I had a really helpful chat with my SW, she is going to request a change of therapist to do therapeutic parenting work with me, she is also going to ask a theraplay specialist to go and observe DD at school and speak to her teacher amd me to assess how theraplay could be suitable and adapted to her needs, if this is doable she will request a separate ASF package for this. She is also enquiring about the in-house therapist at the agency who offers therapy/counselling to parents, this would be directly invoiced to the LA, she's not as sure about that one but will try it and at the same time I have sent off enquires to local private therapists.

Thanks all again, I feel much better and hopeful about the support

@hollytree1

Good to hear you're feeling better - your SW sounds great !