Letterbox to a birth parent in prison

[Dandydodandydont]

DD’s birth parent has recently been sent to prison for pretty ghastly crimes. They haven’t responded to letterbox over the past 4 years and our latest letter is due to be sent.

l have no idea at all what to write and would welcome any suggestions please.

thank you

I usually keep it light, talk about a typical day what she has for breakfast, what she enjoys doing, what she likes on tv, favourite toys, what she likes to wear, what she has learnt recently and any achievements. I then use this broad template to update it each year. Perhaps a little funny story. I wasn’t sure if we would get anything back (I know this isn’t always the case, but we do) so wrote it something we would like to read in the future to remind us of what she was into and how she was getting along. I find I always over think it but when I start writing it, it’s ok. Good luck!

I'm wrangling with what to write this year as well. I don't even have anything breezy that I can say about school, and I worry that talking about holidays comes across as braggy and insensitive. So for the seventh year I guess I'll be covering favourite TV, book, food, toy, freetime activities. I think it will be very similar to last year's. DS is old enough now that I can ask him if there is anything he wants to include, so that might yield something. I wouldn't let the prison thing put you off. It's not as if you need to ask them about it.

You could say 'We were sorry to hear you are in prison. [We have decided not to tell LO right now]'. Sorry to hear can be read various ways.

Then carry on with the letter.

We do mention holidays, working on the theory that BM will be more pleased DC are getting opportunities than she will be upset she's not doing them.

I have in the past said things like 'finds school a struggle'.

I wouldn't mention prison or anything to do with the crimes. Goodness knows how the person might react.

I suppose I would start with why this year feels difficult to write, is it wanting to be supportive but not knowing what to say, or difficulties in reconciling the terrible crimes of BP with your wonderful DD, or wanting to keep going with letterbox but run out of things to say and connect about etc.?

And then I'd also be considering you 'goals' for letterbox, unfortunately if they're not responding then all those things such as reducing feelings of loss and rejection, dispelling 'myths', sharing medical info, DD knowing BPs are safe and well are not happening without the letters. It my personal experience that professionals prioritise BPs wants and wellbeing above the children, but you're the one to think about what's best for DD, she may well question why you didn't write if you don't, or question why you wrote and shared her personal info- it's so difficult to know. You could write a short update letter, you could wish BP all the best and say you're thinking of them, you could ask questions from you or DD, you could write simply to confirm she's safe and well and if they want to anymore then to get in touch.

My youngest's BPs are both serving long sentences for absolutely horrendous crimes, for reasons that I won't go into I don't do letterbox with them. Instead I write an annual birthday letter to her (and I keep copies for her to read them all when she's older) and also do a short email 2x per year to a couple of really significant professionals that were in her life before she was adopted- that sort of takes the place of letterbox for us.

I used to write little anecdotes, broken down month by month, eg 'in May LO enjoyed the warmer weather, playing on the swings' etc. I'd do it by going back through photos and my diary and trying to remember what we did, without giving away any info that might put LO at risk. But recently have been advised by the letterbox co-ordinator not to write to BM anymore. Her crime was extremely serious and their view was that it might not be in our child's best interests; LO might not want BM to know all the little jolly stories about their life. We continue to write to other birth family.

You might get lucky and they will be supported in writing back to you. You could suggest to them to ask for this support.

When this happened to AS mother prior to his adoption I was asked to write to the maternal grandparents instead who would update BM. They were absolutely lovely and kept in touch through SW. As she was responsible for AS severe disabilities I felt no guilt.

Could also be the birth father not mother in prison. In any event couldn't you just send some of the child's drawings or pictures of them, bits of school work etc. Surely it doesn't need to cause so much angst.
Speaking as an adoptee.

I would definitely steer clear of any identifying locations, anecdotes, names and places etc for obvious reasons.