Hi, we have an adopted 4 (nearly 5) little girl. She has always preferred my DH to me, and I have posted a couple of years back because I was really struggling with that.
Sadly, it is still the same and her obvious love for DH is extremely difficult for me, but the advice back then was that I have to just deal with it to create a stable home environment for her, because she is likely coming to realise that she has already lost two female figures in her short life and is pushing me to see if I also go away. So that is what I did, just let things wash over me, move on etc and things have improved, but the fact still remains she would rather be with DH, or indeed anyone else it feels sometimes, than me. We can be having a lovely, fun time together doing things, but as soon as DH is around she just wants to leave me. It hurts, and I struggle with it, but I do not show her how I feel. This week, on top of this constant rejection towards me (this is how it feels) she has now started saying that she doesn't like me, only loves her daddy and wants to find her birth mummy. As heartbreaking as I found this, I tried my hardest not to be upset in front of her. Instead I explained that when she is older we will help her get in contact with her birth parents, but the time wasn't right just now. She then turned and said she didn't want to find her birth daddy, because she was happy with the daddy she has got. Which, I won't lie, absolutely broke me. She has continued to say about birth mummy over the last few days and how she doesn't like me. I admit it finally brought me to tears (not in front of her, but she did follow me in to the other room and saw me before I could compose myself) she said sorry for upsetting me, and what she said about birth mummy and she did love me and want to be with me, which due to my emotional state and bottling the hurt up for days, finally descended me into a bit of a wreck. I am not proud of it, feel awful for her seeing me like it, but could do nothing about it.
I have obviously told my DH what DD has been saying (she has also said it to him about me), but his response is "it's only going to get worse when she gets older and starts throwing the you're not my parents comment around" I know this, I am as prepared as I can be for this, but right now DD is only 4, I wasn't expecting it yet and I am extremely upset. His further comments were that I should talk to someone from the adoption group about it and ask how to deal with it, but I don't want to do that because we are a little friendship group and I don't want to discuss this with parents of my DD's friends. All I wanted was a hug from DH and at least an effort to try and understand how hurt I am, but of course he doesn't, he isn't the one getting the comments so how can he know how it feels. He just says he knows how upset I am, but offers no comfort which is all I want right now. I know it is going to get harder, I don't need to be told that. He did in fairness talk to DD and explain how the comments have made mummy sad, and that we both love her etc etc, all the things we should be saying to her, but he's just not giving me what I need, which is a hug.
I just don't understand what I do wrong as a mum. All my friends children want their mummy and my DD just doesn't. She is perfectly happy to be with me, we do lots of things together, but the second DH or anyone else is around it's "can I go now and be with daddy" Literally can be in the middle of baking which DD has asked to do, and he comes in and she's off. It's like she tolerates me until there is a better option. I don't know how to make it better, because I am now getting to the point where I just don't want to bother doing fun things with her because it's not changing our bond, just hurting me more when I get pushed away again.
DH and I are now barely talking because he just doesn't see it and thinks I need to get over it as she's only 4. Perhaps I do, but it's easier said than done... so, any tips on how to?
Sorry it's so long!