Helping our fostered baby move on to adoptive parents.How best to do it?

[babybarmy]

We are fostering a baby girl for 6 months (she is 9 months) and it is very likely she will be adopted in July.

This is our first foster placement so we are not sure what to expect when we start to meet with her prospective new family and how to support the baby's transition.

We are really pleased that she will have a proper permenant family so she can call someone mummy and daddy.We will be sad to see her go and would like advise from parents who have adopted about things the foster carer can do to make things go well

I have kept lots of keepsakes and photographs for the baby .Will adoptive parents want these or want a completely fresh start with no reminders of the baby's time in care?

We had a great introductions period with very experienced fcs. Our dd was 10 months. We spent 1 week going to the fcs house each day. SW said we should build up the time slowly but once she'd left foster mum said, blow that, if you can come all day every day that will help you bond quickest so do it. When at their house on the first day foster mum showed us how to do everything - make up a bottle, hold her, feed her, change a nappy, bath her etc. One second day and from then on she stayed busy in the background - available but not doing things for dd. If needed she steped in but basically left us to it. After a few days she also encouraged us to take dd out to parks etc and do things on our own. She even lent us a key to their house so we could come in super early some days and be there for when dd woke up.

In the 2nd week, there was one big visit to our house with fcs, sws etc and then after that we just picked up dd each morning and took her back each eve.

FC was brilliant, she passed on masses of clothes, all her bottles, dummies etc. Really helped as we were still getting used to what she liked and disliked. All the keepsakes are brialling - our dd regularly looks thorugh that box and I am sure it's a good thing. Please put a pic of yourselves in that box too, it helps the child understand that you haven't gone forever and it is ok to talk about you to her new parents.

We are still in contact with fcs so our dd sees them ocassionally which they love and I think is good for her too.

I'm sure you'll do a brilliant job and will have set your little one up for a great new life.

hi bb, keep as much as you can, a detailed life book is always appreciated also a log of when they met certain milestones, in red medical book i think.
pretty much as snail said tbh, also, although not always permitted, as much time alone with child when needed.
we had to send photos of ourselves about a month before we saw dd, we wore the same outfits on the day we were introduced and she recognised us. the fc had shown our photos to her a few times a day.
good luck.

Thanks! all great advice that will really help us.I have saved everything for the baby as I know how much I love looking through my old baby things.She needs to be able to make sense of her first year when she is older and know that she was always loved and cherished and not rejected, it was just difficult circumstances.

I am so excited for her that she will have a new start and we will miss her terribly, my daughter has taken to her so much (I am pregnant so I'm hoping a new baby will soften the blow a little bit).

if the adoptive parenst are going to change the child's first name then you can help by not calling her by her (existing) given name now all the time. instead call her darling / precious / sweetheart/love - whatever endearment you would use normally

dont bother asking your Sw if they will change the baby's name because she will say no, as thsi is Sw dogma. But they probably will. Most parenst like to choose their own child's name and she is very young

i agree with everyone else about life book etc

The adoptive parents may well not feel confident, particularly if they don't have children, so anything you can do to make them feel you trust them (presuming you do!) and have confidence in them will help.

The things that helped us when we were introduced to our LO's were

• Detailed daily routine written down - partly because we could continue it and partly because we had no idea what a day with kids was like. The AP's might be clueless, nervous and have no idea how to change a nappy.

• passed on photos and also quite a lot of clothes/keepsakes/toys

• just anything that you can tell about likes/dislikes/fears, and say if you're happy to be phoned up later

• pose a photo of you and family with baby for her life book

I guess some adoptive parents might want to "wipe out" baby's past life but that seems a bit insecure and narrow minded to me - we took view that all memories were part of DS's life and to be treasured up for him.

I can't say how much I appreciate my DSs' foster carer who passed over two happy, settled and loved little boys - she had been there for them at a crucial time in their lives and it really shows. You have done a great thing!

Did you read Mummybop's thread about foster carers getting emotional at parting?

I did read a couple of threads perhaps not that one.I read one about adoptive parents feeling that the foster carer couldn't let go and still wanted lots of contact, to give gifts etc. which they believe was unsettling the children.

I think it's finding a balance as of course we will miss her and be keen to know how she is getting on but I also know how important it is step back and let someone build the bond necessary if they are going to bring up the baby as their own.

They may well change her name as it is unusual,not horrible,just a name that may start to become more popular soon as it is common in America but may not be to everyones taste.

I have given some keepsakes to her birth mother as she is very young and I felt she should have something to remember her daughter by.I hope the new adoptive family have some contact with her as she is a victim of circumstances and is just a child herself.

It's definelty a tough business being involved planning someone's entire future.