Introductions ~ How did it go for you?

[april74]

We are now halfway through our introductions, and we are finding the whole experience draining. All that keeps us going is the big picture where she comes and lives with us.

Our dd is 12 months old, and on the visits we have have it has been fab when we have taken her out or been alone with her without the FC present, but obviously on some visits where we had to stay at their house, while they are around DD obviously wanted them, they did make there best effort to make themselves unavailable, but still hard when they in the house.

Well yesterday our DD was bought round to our house for the first time, the SW came and both FC came as well, my Dh and I found the whole experience uncomfortable, as only being the 4th day we had been with her, she again preferred the company from FC especially as it was a different enviromnent for her. We let her play when she wanted to play and when it looked as if she settled I joined her to play. But it was like when I went near her she would go to FC. Now I have no issues with this as the poor love must be extremely confused, and TBH can not see why the fc needed to be there (FC also said this to me, she felt this didn't help matters) which I agree, but later on I got a call her DD social worker, who said she didn't feel it went that well and felt we should of shown more "ownership" to our DD and took over.

the more I think about this the more its upsetting/annoying me. i didn't want the first visit of our DD to be her screaming because I have taken her away from FC who she has been with from the start, and I know the Social Workers are watching you like hawks and analizing every single thing we do, we know we are good parents and know that after settling in she will be happy, as happy to be with us when away from FC & Sw.

Just wanted to know some other peoples experiences and comment/advice.

if its any help you introductions are going better than mine did! Though thankfully I didn;t have a social worker peering over my shoulder.

DS was a very similar age (11 months) the first time he was introduced he screamed the place down and more or less didn't stop for the whole one hour visit. We then had twice daily visits of around 90 mins each and I had to work really hard to get him to make eye contact with me. We were in an orphanage not someones home but had similar issues with him preferring the carers that he knew and loved and the "private" room that they put us in was essentially the way onto the main ward so there were carers wandering through all the time. He would spend 15mins trying to ignore me then perk up and laugh when he caught sight of a carer he liked. God it was hard!

Four days is still very very early and I'm surprised that the SW thinks you should have been more forceful about taking her from FC. Can you talk to FC's privately and agree a plan for the next visit? Perhaps only one could come next time and they can stay n the itchen or something. It took at least 2 weeks for DS to feel comfortable with me and a few more weeks again before he really started to bond. Your description sounds so familiar, you certainly arent the only one to have these difficulties but its very very early days. Funnily enough despite a difficult bonding period, I wasn;t ever worried about it - I knew we would bond normally over time when we were left to it which is exactly what happened.

Hi April74
I can totally imagine that you are feeling frustrated with some bits of the introductions so far. I agree that it is virtually impossible to expect a 12 month old to start to make connections with you whilst fc is there, on their first home visit. If i were you I'd speak to the social worker and explain that you would prefer for fc to take a back seat next time as kewcumber suggested and also talk to fc about it so that social worker knows how they feel too.
Whilst I appreciate it must feel like the social worker is analysing everything you do they will mostly just really want this to work for you and the child.They will be reassured that you are taking it so seriously and wanting the best possible start for everyone.
Once the first visit to your house is over it does get a little more relaxed, or at least it should. If it doesn't make sure you ask them all to step back.

Good luck

We first met our dd almost a year ago. Her foster carers were very experienced and the introdctions went very well, however it was still a hugely difficult time! It took 2 weeks - 1 week of us going to their house every day and spending the day there, and 1 week of us going to foster carers picking her up, bringing back to our house and taking her back after tea. Wow - we were knackered by the end of all that.

It is a really hard process for everyone - child, you, foster carers. What the foster carers should be doing is trying to 'hand her over to you' by giving her all the signals that they are happy for you (adoptive parents) to play with her, pick her up, bath her etc. What worked for us was being near foster mum for part of the day but her keeping busy in kitchen or upstairs so we could do things our own way and not worry about 'getting it wrong' and all the time dd felt secure ecause the person she most trusted in the world was still close by.

When you finally get her home you'll feel so relieved to shut the door behind you and get on with doing things your own way, making mistakes and finding things out. But be prepared... our dd was great during the day but had real trouble getting to sleep at night for several weeks. She was obviously totally freaked out and had no other way to show it but it really wore us down. It felt like it went on forever but it really was only a few weeks and she is now such a wonderful happy little toddler and we are so glad she was placed with us so young.

Good luck

She is back at our house today (alone) she is like a different child, she has not cried once and the frows we got this morning have turned to smiles and babbles.

I just cant shake the feeling that her SW thinks Dh and I are totally useless, even though we know we are good parents.

This is going to be a long week, but like you say as soon as the door shuts its a relief.

Glad things have been good today. I'm sure the child's SW doesn't think you are useless, after all they chose you to be matched with the little girl in the first place. They will want everything to go well as much as you do. They just come from a slightly different perspective and might project more of a critical stance than they actually feel.
The proof is obviously in the child's behaviour whilst she is with you which sounds really positive. Sounds like its going really well, keep going, not long now...

I found the introductions exhausting, and that was without a SW watching and making unhelpful confidence knocking comments!
I should think any well attached nearly one year old would need to keep their main carers close at hand in a new location with sws forming a crowd! It is good (healthy) your dd has that normal reaction and bodes well for a transfer of attachment to you!

We did things like feed and bath dc, before fcs came to our house. After that I collected dc (no entourage)each day, and took back each night till Coming Home Day!! ( Ps I found that day a very strange day - FCs in tears, 2 sets of SWs, and then just us -our family at home - words cannot express it!
Be gentle to yourselves, soon dd will be coming to you! Best wishes!! Magso

hi april74, we were desperate like you to just get on with it. fc stayed first day then left us to it 2nd, dd only cried when she actually saw her leave.
fc did say she had mentioned to ss that she thought we were experienced enough and they let us get on with it.
bite your tongue and play the game, they wouldn't be doing their job if they didn't nit pick.
roll on handover, good luck it will be worth it.

Hi April74

Intro's are a completely unreal experience - you just have to stick to your plan and work through. We were put under pressure to rush ours but I'm glad we didn't, you don't really know what is going on under the surface and it is traumatic for DD to move from one attached carer to another, as has been said this is a healthy sign.

I hope you are feeling better re: the SW, it's horrid feeling "under observation" but really what else can they do?

I remember feeling like I'd kidnapped the children when we first took them out - like a big sign over my head "this woman is not the real mother". As if anyone could tell! It does get better - LOADS better . Hang on in there!

Hi April74, we're foster carers and have been involved with a lot of introductions.
The way I "do them" is to tell the new parents to ask if they need help and I make sure I'm around but not in their face unless they are struggling.

I think back to having my first child and I didn't have a clue, god knows how she's survived to adulthoodand I can begin to imagine the terrifying experience intro's must be to adopters. I wasn't being watched all the time by someone who knew my child better than I did for example.

We will be starting intro's for our little one in a few weeks and while I'm dreading him leaving I will still do my utmost for the new family, I don't know any other way to do it.

In the past when I've taken a LO for their first visit the ones that have gone well are the ones without social workers being in attendance. Imagine a small child thinking "why are all these people watching me" a scary process surely? It must be better to have as few people as possible around at first, after all it's your time with your child and you should have some say in who is there.

Tell yourself "this too shall pass" cos it will.

I can remember one adopter who came back to visit us saying that when they took their baby home for the last time they just sat and watched her in her car seat for a while and that was the moment they felt she was really theirs.

She had her first overnight last night and slept through. I think I laid awake most of the night waiting for her to wake up, but she didn't and when I went into her this morning she gave me a big smile, which made me happy.

I know its only a few days to go and cant wait, the FC have been really good and wouldn't have been as easy as it has been if it wasn't for her, we had a brief chat the other day and both explained how we felt, which really helped.

The rough few days we had seem to have faded and replaced by lots of wonderful memories by dd, and will always be grateful to the Fc for giving her a wonderful start in which we can go on from.

Glad the first overnight stay went well. I bet it was wonderful to see her smiling when she woke up.

It really won't be long now until she's with you permanently and this stage will just be memories.

Enjoy!

I'm glad it's going better now, it's the best feeling when it's all done and you have your dc at home with you. I was exhausted at the time though, and ds was a little younger (10.5 months) and hadn't reached a clingy phase yet, two months later he did have a clingy phase and it would have been much harder to do the handover at that stage.

Next up is the terror of your dh/dp going back to work and you being responsible for a small fragile child all on your own. But don't worry, that will work out fine too.

lol Bran

When I had DS 8, actually looked forward to Dh going back to work so I could get into my own routine. Its all coming screaming back how it takes military details and an hour to actually want to leave the house and to actually leave the house, and I really could do with a third hand at times lol

Hows it going April74?

Hope your introductions have got better and better.

Yep they went well as soon as we brought her home for the visits, she has lived here now since Monday and its been brill.