[UK] Can I still adopt if I'm estranged?

[EstrangedLamb]

Hello all,

Context below and Content Warning for sexual abuse, skip to the bold writing if you want to just answer the questions :)

I, like most people, had a really crap start. My mum has undiagnosed BPD, diagnosed manic depression, anxiety and several other mental health conditions which just made her not fit to be a mother, yet still went on to have 6 with 5 different men up and down the country.
The man she ended up having my two youngest siblings with ended up molesting me from the age of 4 up until I was around 10-11, and then still made attempts to record me nude or make suggestive and inappropriate comments about my developing body.

Without going into more as I could honestly and genuinely write several bloody books about what this family did to me, I will leave it there and say we haven't spoken now in 4 years.

I am now turning 26 this month and have bought my first home and for the first time in my life I'm feeling extremely, maternal, baby feverish, broody whatever you want to call it.
I have always said I have never wanted biological children, I do not want to continue our "bloodline", I have no desire to get pregnant, live through pregnancy, give birth. I'll be sad that I cannot do the baby scans, the baby shower and I guess "normal" baby-related things, but other than that, no desire.

I do however, want to adopt and have always said if I do have children, they will be adopted. I know I can give a child an amazing childhood if I am selected by them to be their adoptive mum, however I am so so worried by the references part.

I have read on several forums, youtube videos and even seen on most UK agency/local authority websites that they will want to speak to parents, I am terrified that they will want to speak to my mum and stepfather. They are not good people, they love to embarrass and sabotage me and my siblings, if given the chance, they would 100% ruin this for me and my partner.
I will not be dishonest to an agency, I would rather be rejected than lie but I will still obviously be extremely hurt than I cannot have children because of them.

So I guess to my questions:

Will a UK Adoptive Agency/Local Authority reject me if they cannot receive a reference from my estranged mother?
As well as this, will my history prevent me from adopting a child?

I understand the internet can be an unforgiving space at times so I would appreciate if you do have any negative reactions to this post, please kindly keep them to yourself as I feel I have been quite vulnerable here. I appreciate everyone opinions on adoption and have several amazingly brutally honest friends who are adopted and I can seek advice from when it comes to raising an adopted child. Thank you for understanding.

Hi @EstrangedLamb

I'm sorry things have been so difficult for you. You are an amazing person to survive all that and move forward positively in your life.
Firstly, no your mother won't stop you adopting. You choose your referees, they do like at least one family member but it does not have to be your mother.
I hadn't seen my father for 15 years before his death, (right in the middle of matching with my son) and had rarely seem him since I was 18. I had to have some lengthy discussions but it was OK.

They will expect you to be honest and discuss your past and what you have done to move forward. If you haven't had it, some counselling would stand you in good stead.

When I first read your post you were coming across to me like a single person I see that you do mention a partner, but you have only talked about your own feelings about having birth children. Your partner will need to be fully on board with adoption and their feelings around birth children will also be explored.

I'd suggest your shop around a bit for an agency. Some will be more sympathetic to you than others. Choose carefully, you need to be able to trust them.

Good luck with it all, do come back if you have more questions or want to discuss things

Thank you for your quick response and kind words, @Ted27

I am so happy to here she will not have an effect on my choice to adopt, I will more than likely use my sister as a referee then or my mother in law if we're able.
I'm so sorry about your father's death, even if you were not speaking it must've been taxing while you were already preoccupied with your new addition, I hope you have found peace and closure since. :)

I have fortunately had counselling and will be able to provide them with any notes they will need.

I do want to apologise for my lack of mentioning my partner, it is not that he does not want to adopt but that we are currently at two different stages, he is 100% on board with adoption. Though, he does not want to start the process for another year or two, which is completely fine with me as I want to prepare our new home for when we get an LO. :)
I do recognise that I made it seem like I was single though, his family dynamic is a lot stronger than my own so I guess it's just me trying to get some answers of my own before I bring him in on my postings to Mumsnet ;) Hope this makes sense.

The two I have found that are within my travelling capabilities are Western Bay Adoption in Port Talbot and St David's Adoption Service in Cardiff, if yourself or anyone who reads this has any experience with them please feel free to reply publicly or PM me :)

@EstrangedLamb

Have you looked here https://www.adoptcymru.com/home.php?page_id=1&_act=true

I'm pretty sure there are adoption agencies which operate across Wales. Social workers will usually travel to you for assessments though you may need to attend their offices for training, unless they are doing it on line
I adopted via a national voluntary agency in England
Look at places like Bernardoes as well.
Also be aware that responses here will largely just make an assumption that you are in England.
Whilst things are broadly similar, things do differ across the four nations

I can speak highly of Western Bay. They are a team of compassionate, forward thinking workers, with good management. They have a particularly strong adoption support service and employ their own psychologists, play therapists and support workers. Friends with much older adopted children receive amazing support, directly to their son, and also to them as adopters.

@EstrangedLamb your background isn’t a barrier to adopting, social workers had no contact with my parents during the process, there’s no need.

You will be expected to talk about your childhood and how you think that might impact the kind of parent you are. Think about it in the round - ie yes it may make you determined to be a good parent, but there will also be aspects of parenting that will touch on your old trauma, so be open to thinking about that too. Also in time think about how it might affect children you want to be matched to, eg your history might make you (or others) think you’re ideally placed to care for a child who has experienced sexual abuse but that’s not necessarily the case.

A good friend told me that adoption is hard enough, so when you’re thinking about what issues you can cope with in children make that part as easy as possible.

Your experience gives you so much to bring to adoption, I hope it works out for you.

The approval process will involve lots of discussion and reflection on your past and how you've coped. It's a bit like therapy and being assessed all in one. They don't need to contact your family members if you are estranged - I am too - but they will expect you to be open to talking about it A LOT!
They will also need to know who you have in your support network and they'll speak to those people about your strengths and weaknesses.
What is important to recognise is that you have overcome your ACEs and have the insight and understanding in how best to support another child to thrive.

@EstrangedLamb were at the beginning of the process or rather not quite at the beginning of the process because I've had a bereavement and they like you to take a break. I had a childhood with a lot of trauma although not to the extent you've been through. I'm in my early 40s now and have had a limited relationship with my family since my teens. Despite being a social worker for over 15 years it's taken me to about this point a good block of therapy a few years ago and some coaching to feel ready for the process and adoptive parenting. Might be something to think about as 4 years is relatively recent to be separating from everything

On a practical level we've been to see a bunch of agencies and asked them a ton of questions. We felt voluntary agencies were more open minded particularly because my wife is autistic and we're a same sex couple. We were told we needed a family reference each but it does not have to be a parent. My Dad who is the one who died was extremely abusive and my Mum failed to protect. I worked hard to make a plan about how we'd manage the boundaries around Dad so it was safe. Agencies were really clear they don't need to talk anyone who was abusive.

Nothing you have said is insurmountable but it will be a real journey you have to reflect on and will bring up past issues. I have to say even with the other poster mentioning you had a partner I can't find that in your post. Adoption would not have worked in any other long term relationship I've been in only with my wife as we both get it