Toilet training

[WhatsRequiredThen]

AS is very nearly 4. Trauma background obviously, very much always in the "flight and shame" mode. We are getting him therapy and he is coping pretty well all things considered.

Toilet training. I tried last summer when he turned 3 and he was emotionally not ready. Biting/screaming/meltdowns whenever he had an accident. So I gave up hope of training him before nursery.
Tried again and still not ready.

Nursery aren't doing a great job, they are very old school. At first they obviously weren't keen that he wasn't out of nappies but now they are saying "wait until summer to train him", Basically it's easier for them to just change a pull up once a day rather than anything else. They've left him in a poo filled pull up with a burnt bum a few times.

However, I decided I was concerned about waiting that late in case it takes him a while. So I kept him off nursery for a week and he has had half term and we gave it a good go. This time much better emotionally. No meltdowns etc.

He can:

• Do wee and poo in the toilet. No fear.
• Will do this when bribed with a chocolate button but also without any bribery.
• Has asked for pull ups back but accepted they won't be coming back.
• In two weeks has said twice he needs the toilet and gone but only twice.
• Can be dry for up to 1.5hrs.
• I've taken him on days out and he has done wee in the potty and in any bathroom etc. In fact we've done full days out and had no accidents because I've reminded him.

The only problem is he won't say when he needs to go 99% of the time. So that means if you don't remind him then he will go in his pants. He does at least tell me straight away when he does it but nursery are going to be utter shit with this. They will want him back in pull ups and that means these two weeks of stress and effort will just be for nothing. He is so stubborn that will make the next time (summer holidays) even less successful. He is a clever boy and will remember that I said no more pull ups. I'm not sure he will even want pull ups now to be honest. He is now asking for pants in the morning!

I'm getting so cross because I'm so stressed. Yes - I know that won't be helping. I'm trying to hide it but we all know they pick up on it.

I don't need tips on the potty training unless someone has an unheard of trauma method (I have done it before and done a tonne of reading again). But can anyone advise on what I should do about school?

A) Put him into pull ups.
B) Put him into pants and give him a chance. Prep nursery and tell them that he needs help and to be reminded.
C) I do have some of those thick training pants. I've avoided them so far as I think they will be too similar to a pull up. But I do have them as an option for nursery days.

I'm feeling like such a shit parent. Nursery have made it clear he is in the very minority. They aren't great with adoption stuff - I've been in several times with suggestions of my own. My AD was trained by 2.5 but AS is a very very different child.

Your doing so much better than me!our school have been really supportive though and said they will set a timer and at that timer she has to go.weve got one at home and that's been brilliant much better than before as she accepts being told its time for a wee from the timer but not from me.i would give them a fun timer from Amazon and ask them to use that,easy solution.mine same age as yours and the school have been really supportive,they have others in pull ups too.its very fair that they support you, nurseries surely support potty training for all the children? It's an additional need thing too ours may well need more support and longer to get it.theres a great chapter from Sarah naish about it which might be worth discussing with nursery so they understand it/have more empathy etc.your doing so much better than we are on it and i think nursery are being rubbish for you,lots of children don't manage it till school or reception year and even in reception it is normal for children to have accidents.id get a timer on every hour say even if they can't have time to set it you can teach ds to set it and listen for the bell maybe?mine loves to do it herself so might work!you could also try making the clothes really accessible like try a dress/kilt/long tshirt outfit without trousers so they dont even have to change trousers if an accident happens.even as i write this im so cross for you they are being like this though!does he move to school soon?I think they will be better.

Sorry that's a vote for B from me with a timer and toilet friendly outfit so they have minimal to moan about!

Thank you! He goes up to reception but the main school have been brilliant with my daughter so think the main school is better than the nursery. Much more structured!
Yes - I think he has to have a shot at just managing it. He is ready. He holds his private's when he needs a wee now so he is definitely holding it etc. I'm not going back to pull ups.

Definatly a B vote here - nursery have a duty of care to support him through this and toilet sits after meals etc and through day should be part of his day plan. My LO has selective mutism outside the house so is fully toilet trained at home but can't speak to tell nursery staff. He has a flash card on a small cord in his pocket to use in nursery but for school they suggested a tiny bike bell which he can gently, "ding," and he loves this. If he isn't able to use his voice to signal needing that will come in time and until then a fun signal is a great way of reducing anxiety around asking x

A vote for option B here too.

There are vibrating watches you can set as a timer to remind a child to go to the toilet - some are just like a plastic wristband almost so wouldn't necessarily look out of place on a nursery age child. We made it all seem quite exciting and fun to have a wristband that told us when to go - we all had a turn - and that helped. I also upped the use of timers for cooking, teeth brushing etc to normalise it and model how to react to the timer going off.

Advice we had from 'the wee clinic' was to encourage lots of drinking but always a full cup at a time, never sipping from a bottle or taking too long to drink it. Apparently that was important to help the bladder fill up in one go - which then gave a clearer signal of the need to wee.

We timed the full drink to needing a wee process at home over several days (20 to 30 minutes for us) and were then able to give school a clear direction of - drink must be had at 10.00, 12.00 etc and set the wrist timer for 25 minutes after that (and asked school to take him to the toilet at those times). A fair few accidents at school well after they had mainly stopped at home but we got there in the end.

Another vote for B here! Sorry to hear nursery aren't very supportive. If they are berating you (although they really shouldn't be!) for him still being in nappies, they aught to support you with this stage helping him to move on from nappies! Send a few changes or pants/outfits in. Lots of children have accidents and they should be able to deal with this.

You say that your son won't say when he needs a wee but it maybe that he doesn't recognise the feeling yet. Our 6 year old is only just starting to realise before he gets to the point where he's had a little accident. He can also hold for hours and will avoid going at school. You may find your son won't tell nursery if he has a little wetness in his pants so be prepared he may come home wet, or tell you the moment he gets out. When this has happened with our boy, we've tried not to show frustration to avoid shame around it. Be prepared for regression with it every so often as well!

Another B vote here, nursery should be helping not making it harder! Cheerfully send him in with a bag full of pants and shorts, announce he is doing just fine at home, thank you so much for their advice, it really worked! and these are just in case and then let them change him as often as they need. They will soon remember to start reminding him to go to the loo.

I have no trauma informed suggestions because for the eldest we relied pretty much on regular toilet trips before each transition, the peer pressure of none of his friends wetting themselves and giving him 2 haribo at the end of the day if he hadn't wet himself all day. All of which are rubbish for trauma because it enlongates transitions, uses minor shaming/comparison from peers and outright bribery, but I was so sick of doing laundry that I needed something that would work.

Our therapist made a point that being socially shunned for not being toilet trained is also difficult and traumatic, and as you have realised, it can seriously negatively affect your bond when it is constant and unrelenting, so it is useful to do something about it using whatever means necessary!

Thanks everyone - B is what I want to do too. I can't wait for him to be out of nursery!