DD’s Birth Mum pregnant again and I just feel so sad

[Fredsted]

That’s it really. Any wise words appreciated.

I just can’t see a positive outcome. If she loses the baby to care, it’ll be devastating for her all over again. If she keeps the baby (highly unlikely) the baby will likely have a very difficult life and end up in care eventually anyway. I don’t know whether to tell DD as she’s really settled and happy after a tricky period.

Just so sad for her, for DD and selfishly for us because of the disruption this will bring. Have had to say no twice before due to DD’s needs and don’t feel I can face it again. I suspect letterbox will stop
as it did during her last pregnancies and when the babies were in foster care. Most of all, just so sad for Birth Mum and the loss this is likely to bring.

Hi @Fredsted

No wise words really, just I know how you feel.

I've had to say no to a further child, but they were very much younger than my son and it just wasn't right. I felt a lot of guilt, sadness for her and the subsequent babies and despair that she keeps doing this and anger at the men who keep taking advantage of her.
We can't solve their problems, that work needs to start much younger teaching our girls to value themselves and our boys to respect women and girls.
We can only break the cycle with the children we have.
How old is your DD? She needs to know at some point but there is no rush, pick your time.

"We can only break the cycle with the children we have." These are wise words.

I really understand that sadness, frustration, anger, but mostly sadness. You have time to feel all of that yourself before your DD needs to know. I imagine those early days of trying to do it this time must be overwhelming for BM, so it's no surprise she can't manage letterbox. Which feels like rejection, and we feel angry, sad, frustrated on our LOs behalf.

Sometimes, it's our job to hold so much sadness and anger, for everyone, it can be overwhelming.

It saddens me as a birth mum to hear of a repeated cycle which only inflicts more trauma on the children and the birth mother. Unfortunately support for birth parents is almost non existent and without a strong advocate to get that support it’s not offered

Without the support it’s almost impossible to make the changes needed.
If she does manage to do so and go on to have a child remain in her care she will have a lot of emotions feelings and realisations to reconcile which are not easy. No one talks about a subsequent child remaining with a birth parent after adoption and the complicated emotions that this brings

unfortunately adoption is seen as the END goal rather than just the beginning for everyone involved and as a result support is almost impossible for birth parents, adoptive parents or adoptees to get.

@OurChristmasMiracle

Wise words also.
Good to hear from you
Hope things are going well.

Thank you so much for responding and understanding. I have read all of your posts several times they have really helped to make sense of this and clarified how I feel.

OurChristmasMiracle, I agree completely, I wish DD’s mum had the support she deserves and needs but she has had nothing at all.

I will be coming back to reread these posts again in the coming weeks and months as I don’t have anyone to talk to about it really as no one gets it. The first time, friends and family were excited about the possibility of another baby which I found really upsetting which they couldn’t understand. Last time I didn’t really tell anyone so your posts have really helped. Thank you again.

@OurChristmasMiracle You're so right.

I really hope all is going well for you.

@Fredsted People don't get it. We do. We get why it's complex, and big, and so out of our control. By holding all of that complexity, all those emotions, you're helping your LO not need to, and learn how to. That containment of the enormity of what's happening is a gift for your LO. But exhausting for you.

@Fredsted @Ted27 @solongandthanksforallthedish

i am doing really well. My youngest is at home with me and doing amazingly! It was a 10 year journey to be able
to be the mum I could be and my eldest needed and deserved but didn’t get, but my youngest is getting the care and parenting he needs and is thriving and growing and into EVERYTHING and hasn’t suffered any trauma unlike my eldest who suffered dreadfully under my care, back then I was an abysmal parent but I’m a good mum NOW and I need to focus on that

im still working on myself and I honestly believe it will be a life long journey.

I hope you and your families are all doing well ❤️

@OurChristmasMiracle

That's lovely to hear, you have worked so hard so hard for this, it sounds like you are enjoying every minute of being a mum - so you should, you deserve it.

My boy is 20 in a few weeks, I'll have to stop calling me my boy now he is a hulking great man!
He had just finished his first year at uni, he is finding his way in the world and its amazing to see