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Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Adopting in a flat? Should we try??

6 replies

HamesHarris · 13/05/2024 21:39

Hello! First post but looking for some general advice re adopting while living in a flat.

So a little context my husband and I aren't jumping into the process now but would like to start the process in the next year or two. Obviously we want to try and get as much lined up before we start the process to try and give us the best chances.

We live in a two bed top floor flat. We have two bathrooms, two bedrooms and IMO ample space. We have a spare room which is setup as an office for DH atm. I also have my own WFH space in the hallway in a kind of nook. The plan would be for me DH to deskshare in the nook as we work hybrid so could work office days around each other. I can't see this causing too much issue.

I've read/ heard very mixed things about people being refused/ having issues in flats with some agencies. Our thinking is stick it out here while the child is young as we would have far lower outgoings here than in a house. This would allow me to go significantly part time for childcare etc. We would then plan to move once the child is older and we know our financial situation with me working PT.

I do find this all very irking as the people who lived here before had two children naturally and I can guarantee this will not have even been a consideration for them!

Anybody have any advise or experiences on this?? Are we crazy for trying it or should we just get the house and accept I'd need to work more/ rely on childcare more??

OP posts:
UsernameAlreadyTaken101 · 13/05/2024 22:53

I adopted and I live in a flat. I can't remember it ever really being an issue. We have a shared garden so there is some outdoor space but we are also in very close proximity to the local park and lots of good facilities like library, school, pool etc.

Torvy · 14/05/2024 00:31

I'm a big fan of getting things started regardless of where you are due to the length of time it takes to get stuff done. You can move in the lengthy application process!

I've lived in a flat and a house, and I enjoyed aspects of both. Flats can be sociable, and compact and as you say, allow for a greater level of freedom financially. Living in a flat could be great in many ways- compact living means that you are able to be super close and responsive to your child's needs, you don't need stair gates, there are lots of barriers between them and an open road, you likely have plenty of amenities quite close by, parking can be secure and there is probably good disabled access if it is a block of flats with a lift for buggies and stuff like that. As you say, it frees up your income to allow for more flexible working or other opportunities. That may be very necessary, and you might not know that until your child has been placed for a little while.

However, I would say that a flat possibly limits the type of child/ren you could offer a place to, or might in a SW eyes.

We have two very active busy young boys and even the idea of being in a flat with them for extended period of time makes me want to cry. It's all very well and good saying you can take them outside or keep them busy with clubs, but that means you being outside with them to supervise, or have them attend classes. It is very public and can be hard to maintain. It can be hard to go to classes if your child has boundless energy combined with a developing confrontational/defiant/PDA profile who laughs in the face of any teacher who tries to make him do a crab walk at tae kwon do or frog legs at swimming. They can't cope with the level of classes and social interaction that would be required to burn off the amount of energy they have outside school. In the house they are destructive and throw stuff, jump on and off the couch and bash stuff around. It is absolutely exhausting having them inside for long periods of time.

Our garden is tiny but has been a godsend. Sometimes you want to be able to just let them in the garden to bash rocks together whilst you get the washing up done without having to negotiate their behaviour at a park, or worrying they might start a fight, or do a runner. It allows for messy play and easy potty training and noise outside is less than inside.

I would also note that moving house may be incredibly stressful and traumatic for a child, and I would say that if you told a sw you planned to move house early on in placement that might present some questions because the child would need stability for as long as possible. We are nearly 2 years into placement and our kids are only just coming to terms with our house and local area as "their" home, and the idea of us moving them now seems incredibly traumatic unless we actually genuinely had to. Moving jobs and losing a parent are apparently two of the most stressful things you can do, and your kid will have done both of those things at least twice in their short lives, so I would be trying really hard if possible not to make it a third or more for a very long time after placement if I could possibly help it.

When we do eventually move, we want to go for a detached house because our neighbours no longer speak to us after several middle of the night screaming fits, loud temper tantrums at all hours and the not infrequent sound of me bellowing something absolutely ridiculous across the house about not using the patio doors as cannon ball practice. If we had to worry about several sets of neighbors up and down I think I might faint. It's just another layer of stress and anxiety that can be hard to manage and may impede your relationship with them. Before they stopped talking to us, I was constantly apologising because I felt bad that their kids had exams and mine were playing drums on the wall and wailing themselves to sleep at 3am because they needed to show they had some control over some aspect of their lives. However, the more neighbors you have, the worse I would imagine that feels!

I'm sure many people have adopted just fine in flats- don't be put off by random horror stories about social workers freaking out over balconies and what not, because you can do stuff to make them safe. For me, things like flat safety can be accomodated and mitigated for, it is about the lifestyle of parenting potentially tricky kids. Of course, people who have bio kids were probably OK, but were they neuro diverse kids with special needs? I'm not saying your adopted kids will be necessarily be ND, but the percentages and likelihood are quite high, so I would proceed accordingly. Stuff like being able to have a mini trampoline, messy sensory play, a contained outdoor space that you can control, all those things are helpful when thinking about the provisions you can make for an ND kid. No, they aren't completely necessary, but if I had a choice to work an amount that was appropriate for them AND give them the space they needed, I would try and give them that.

I hope this makes sense- I'm definitely biased because I currently live in a house with two little boys who just love constantly climbing, being messy and shouting, and having that bit more space and a private outdoor area means that we can let them get it out their system, not having to constantly take them out from the moment they wake up to the moment their heads hit the pillow, which would be the alternative! But I can see the other side of it, and would say that it had some real positives of living in a flat and having that financial freedom too. Plus, my situation probably wouldnt be the same if I only had one kid, or had a quiet and retiring child. So i suppose I would say, start the process, think carefully about what life might be like in the worst case scenario and prepare from there. If nothing else, having these discussions with your partner and social worker will show you have really considered the needs of any potential child.

Ted27 · 14/05/2024 07:51

Hi @HamesHarris

Another excellent post from @Torvy
I know several adoptive families who live in flats and it's not a problem.
However, none of them work from home and I think from a practical point this is the biggest issue you have without a private office space.
Think about the difficulties of trying to keep a noisy/crying baby quiet, keeping a toddler from running around, not going to see mummy or daddy for a hug. The person working will be disrupted every time the other one takes the child out, or coming home. A young child or baby won't understand that mummy or daddy is working and can't come and play. Even with a private office space it will be difficult to manage.

My son was a teen during lockdown and that was hard enough. But I remember very well how stressful and difficult it was for my colleagues who had younger children at home and no separate office.

That would be my concern in your situation.

Jellycatspyjamas · 14/05/2024 10:01

@Ted27 and @Torvy make excellent points. Some of it will depend on ages and number of children you’re thinking about. A singleton baby is a very different prospect to two pre-school age children, who will need space for toys, letting off steam etc. Think about access to outdoor space, where their stuff will go - my two came with a shit tonne of big plastic toys that I’m only now 7 years down the line able to really get rid of.

I’d also consider your own need for space. Having a child can take over your home (in a lovely way) and if you’re all going to be in the same space either working or caring for a child/children there will be times you really need your own space to keep your sanity. Of course you can get very spacious flats, but the ability to take yourself off for a cup of tea or to read a book for 10 minutes without hearing “life” happening all around you is invaluable.

Having flexiblity around work and finances is important too so I understand wanting to keep outgoings low, it may however been a long time before a child will tolerate a house move so consider whether your living circumstances will work with an older child 5 years down the line. I’d agree to getting started on the process because it’s time consuming.

Beetham · 14/05/2024 19:17

@HamesHarris others have made great points and adopting in a flat is absolutely do-able. A close friend has adopted and lives in a 2 bed flat, however theirs is a 'cottage flat' so has its own front door and garden and is pretty spacious. As @Torvy said in a block with lots of neighbours could be tricky, I'd also be thinking about the distance from the car/entrance to your flat door, it's less now but in the past I regularly had to throw mine over my shoulder and carry them in, if that was a longer distance or involved stairs it would have been tricky.

The main thing I wanted to touch on was where you mentioned being irked when comparing what's being asked with other biological parents. To be honest I think you have to get that idea out of your head, adopting is just as much as being a parent as being a bio parent, my children are completely and absolutely my children, and I am their mum, but it's not the same. This is both because of their needs- trauma, attachment, subsequent behaviour needs, higher rate of ND and learning disabilities etc. And also because before placing 'thier' child with you a social worker (plus family finding sw, panel etc.) must be satistified not just that you seem okay and will probably do a good job, but be confident that you are capable of providing a safe and loving, pernament home to a child who has experienced alot of trauma and needs a standard of parenting way above 'good enough'.

onlytherain · 15/05/2024 22:23

We adopted two children while living in a small flat. Our agency had no issue with the flat, but some children's social workers would not even meet with us. They felt we could not adopt young children, because the flat was on the third floor. Makes me wonder how my friends with triplets on the 4th floor with no lift managed, but hey.

Our children were 5 and 6 when they were placed and we had a wonderful time in the flat. They were very energetic, but we had a park right in front, so that wasn't an issue. You do need green space somewhere closeby, otherwise it will be tricky.

We were in a house for 2 years, but I prefer flats. I like being close to my children and in flats I have a better idea what's going on.

We have always had lovely, understanding neighbours. My children have good social skills though and are very polite when facing the outside world, so they can make up for any screaming. :-)

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