How school discusses what adoption means

[teekay88]

Hi there, me again!

We are having a bit of an issue at school and not quite sure how to handle it as the kids are so young and clearly won't understand what they're saying or have any malice. For context this is year R so all kids are 5. But my son has been saying that a boy in his class has been making some mean comments to him about being adopted. Something along the lines of "you're stupid if you're adopted" and "I hate adopted children". I'm not sure how they've found out but I'm guessing at some stage my son has used the word adopted at school as we haven't told any other parents. He has mentioned other children know he's adopted and I asked how they knew. His reply was "they just know".

Obviously the kids probably are just being silly and have no idea what the word actually means but of course to my son it's been a bit upsetting and he's mentioned it a few times. We did previously mention to the school about the comment from the child but couldn't really see they could do much about it

We of course speak with our son openly at home about his adoption and try to strike a balance between it not being a secret but also respecting that it's his story. We don't tell other parents at school as when he started my partner and I discussed how it'll be his story to tell and we want him to feel he has control over that

But of course being young he is using the word and his friends won't have a clue what it means. I am wondering whether any of you have experience of how school has explained adoption as a difference to other children, or indeed if they've even done that at all? When he was due to start school at our home visit I did say about how it might be a sensitive one if family topics are discussed within curriculum and they were a little dismissive saying they didn't think it would come up so shouldn't be an issue. But of course in reality my boy does notice his difference to others and even if it's just 5yo talk he is witnessing his friends use the term negatively. So it feels like we may need to think of something

Any advice welcomed!

I’d take adoption out of the frame for now and treat it as any other kind of bullying, I’d have very strong conversations with the school about what the other children are saying and that you expect them to nip it in the bud. They would deal with racist or homophobic comments and this is no different really in that it’s part of your child’s identity that they can’t change.

The school should cover adoption in lessons about different family make ups but there are still children who will use adoption to bully others. I’d also work with your DS about how he responds and have a couple of quick come backs, if he’s the type of child to answer back. My son has a couple of sharp responses up his sleeve that he thought of without me prompting which have helped him through primary school.

I agree with Ted that your school should tackle it like bullying if you don't want to go down the education route.

Just for a different perspective/experience: We have gone a different route to yours in that we have always been very open about being an adoptive family. We are a transracial family though. During primary we have had it twice that adoption became a topic for children in my kids' class, Y1 and Y4. In Y1 we gave the teacher a few children's books about adoption, like the Lamb-a-rooh and Sophie's Story and she read them to the class and they talked about it. After that the children thought it was a cool thing. In Y4, with more understanding of the other kids, more questions came up. So the teacher did a Q&A session with answers I had given him and my children as the experts. That worked very well as well.

For your son the W.I.S.E Up Powerbook Adoption might be helpful in the future. He might be slightly too young for it now, but maybe bits of it would work.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/W-i-s-Up-Powerbook-Marilyn-Schoettle/dp/0971173206

Hi Op;
I don't know if you got this sorted but either way the school should have a 'Designated Teacher for Looked after or previously looked after children' if you google it the details are on the .gov website.
I'd be speaking to them about how they intend to approach this with the class, because the comment about "oh we don't think it will come up" is way off the mark, it comes up in all sorts of ways.