Adopting as a trans couple

[LunaJessica]

Hello everyone, first proper post here 👋. Does anyone here have any experience adopting where one or both of you are trans?

Myself and my partner are both trans people. We have been together for 15 years now and have a longing to start a family and give a child a safe home.

We have done some research and are not naive enough to think the adoption process will be care free and easy. However it has been hard to find information that relates to trans adopters specifically. Our worries are more related to whether we are likely to face increased scrutiny or mistreatment.

We would really value reading about anyone’s experiences, both good and bad, so we can decide if it’s the right path for us and go into it with our eyes open.

Thank you all so much.

@LunaJessica have you looked at New Family Social? They have an excellent range of resources and support for LGBT adopters, and I would strongly recommend looking at their website and joining some of their I formation evenings for prospective adopters. I've listened to a couple of podcasts from them and heard some excellent speakers who were trans talk about their experience. You could also contact your local agency and ask to speak to any trans adopters they may have.

I will be very honest and say that there is always significant scrutiny of all aspects of any potential adopters lives, but with the focus on how it would affect a child. It may well be that your experiences may stand you in good stead to support a child- knowledge of inclusion, what it means to be in a minority, how communities can be supportive etc. However, social workers are also looking for your life to be quite settled, and may well wish to explore your feelings about your gender identity etc in a way that might feel tricky. Whilst I wish social workers were all 100% au fait with terminology and up to speed, I suspect there may be some social workers who have good intentions but simply do not always have the knowledge or the insight into what being trans entails or how to be appropriate about it and may well come out with some ignorant comments (I'm not trans, but in a ss relationship and there were still some absolute doozies of weird and wonderful comments, despite this being relatively commonplace nowadays!).

In terms of scrutiny, being in a minority is an additional stressor, which can be a potential vulnerability for a family unit. Its important that SW can prove that you have adequate coping mechanisms to deal with those stressors. When we spoke about being in a ss relationship, we spoke to SWs about conversations we had already had between us, which was helpful. We spoke extensively about the difference between an ideal world in which no precautions were necessary, and the real world, how we wanted to work towards the ideal world but at the heart of our family we would have a child who we needed to protect and love, which sometimes means making temporary compromises etc.

These are some of the things we discussed that might help to shape any conversations you want to have with your partner now so if a SW does delve into it you are prepared:

• how out we were and how out we planned on being kids have a way of blurting stuff out and being outed is obviously difficult. If not, what precautions do you need to take so that you are safe?

• what experiences we had of homophobia and the repertoire of responses required to safely respond to it, both in the moment and longer term.

• how we would want our child to respond, and what we would do in the face of homophopia against us AND transferred homophobia against them, both in public and in private. We ran through some scenarios- so homophobia from a randomer in public, another parent, our own families, in front of the kids, when the kid was on their own, etc. It's particularly relevant given the increasingly hostile environment many queer people find themselves facing.

• how were we going to provide role models for our children - the classic "but what will they do without a father" question dressed up more tactfully and easily answered with a slightly scathing response about my capacity to take a child to a football match and eat a pie with the best of them if that was what they so ardently desired. But also for real- someone has gotta teach these kids urinal etiquette, and as a SS couple, we genuinely needed to plan that. I'm sure there will be similar challenges specific to your situation that you will need to overcome and SW will want to know you have thought about these- or will be relieved that you proactively answer so that they don't have to ask.

• a genuine understanding of how a child might feel in the face of horrible teenagers in the reality of secondary school. would they feel they had to defend us? Mortified at having 2 mums? Angry that homophobia existed? Recognising and empathising with that is important.

• as a result of that, we had to decide what lengths were we willing to go to in order to support them socially? E.g potentially only one of us going to parents evening to help them to avoid questions, making connections with other parents etc. It's a tough call if you are out to then have to even partially go back into the closet, but we felt it was important to note that we would in some ways compromise with our kid if it was so important to them

• how equipped were we to deal with schools, had we researched whether schools were lgbt parent friendly (our school tries but still has mother and father on forms rather than parent 1 and parent 2 etc, whih can sting whwn you feel vulnerable), how did we know that and how able did we feel to have those conversations time and again.

• Are you confident in being public with literally everything on the school run? There is nothing like a gaggle of judgemental nursery mums who have nothing better to do than apparently watch your comings and goings and make assumptions that they won't tell you about. It is survivable, but you've either got to be socially confident enough to find the other parents who you vibe with or confident enough to absolutely not give a shit if your kid starts mouthing off or yelling in the pick up line. Kids have literally no filter, and do not understand that their family might be different to others, which is fine but dont expect any element of privacy. Ours apparently talk about having 2 mums like it's totally normal, but then also flex that the other kid can tell their mum but they have 2 mums so it counts more. If we weren't out to the the whole school before, we are now.

• how to deal with being The Gay Friend AND The Adoptive Mum - even in a relatively large urban area, we are the only openly gay couple in our kids year group, and sometimes it's hard because you feel like you are representing adoption and lgbt families each time you are in public but you actually just want to take your kids to the park and not talk to anyone because you've slung your tracksuit bottoms on and haven't done your hair. We are known at kids birthday parties because we are spoken about as the lesbian couple, if you see what I mean, and it always surprises me that people know us by that because I don't wake up in the morning thinking about how gay I am. Knackered? Yes. Going grey? Yes. Having an eclectic sense of fashion? Yes. Its weird to think that being gay is literally the only thing some people think is important about me, and it can feel a bit exoticising. It gives you empathy with the children though- they may not feel that being adopted is their biggest identifier, and yet other people may well treat them as though it is.

• are you OK with being out? I don't know what you would each want to be called, but even stuff like signing off birthday invitations with X's mums caused comments. Some people turned up because they wanted to see whether it was a typo!

• balancing activism- you can stand up for things but also you end up advocating for your kids which can be exhausting. You might need to balance both, or reduce lgbt activism to focus on your child.

• what opportunities can you give them to find fellowship with other kids in similar situations? Again, I refer to NFS, but also your own lgbt support network- does anyone else have kids? Online is also powerful- there's a tongue in cheek insta trend of #queerspawn for now grownup(ish, lol I'm old) kids of lgbt parents that will be hideously dated by the time my kids are using social media, but the point still stands.

• how supportive are family? We got asked questions about whether we were out to them and how they reacted to it. It was important to social workers that we had resolved this in our own minds

• Are you comfortable in your own self? How do you feel your self care routines will adapt and change with children? I'm not just talking bubble baths, but self care that prioritises your identity and physical and mental health, especially as a trans person. I'm not making any assumptions, but for example you may need regular gym sessions, health care appointments, therapy sessions, cosmetic sessions or something like that, and it's important to consider how you and your partner can facilitate those - not just because they are nice to have but because they are possibly a fundamental part of your being. What are your absolute non negotiables and what would your plan be for that?

There are loads of positives to being part of the lgbt community and adopting that i think can be such strengths, so I don't want to put you off. You asked for the difficulties, but I wanted to end on some positives. You have lots of transferable skills and knowledge. You will probably have a great understanding of being a minority, have undergone the process of accepting who you are and distilling that down into the essence of you, you understand the need for community and solidarity that goes beyond blood relationships, have an understanding of what it is like to hold an identity that can potentially either be disclosed or kept private and the costs and benefits of both situations, what it is like in the closet and how that can feel, understand the need to both reject and yet still live in the restrictions of society, and how to actively seek connections. All of these things can be very useful to be able to teach a child, or model to them. You may well have lots of people you have known socially who have adopted, or at have least the capacity to- although the lgbt community is usually put at 2.5%ish of the population, they account for nearly 20% of adoptions, so statistically are much more likely than your average Joe to build a family this way. The queer adoptive parenting community isn't huge, but it is there and flourishing.

LunaJessica I am an adopter with a birth child and adopted child.

My older child is trans and has said one day they may wish to adopt, so I will watch with interest.

Good luck.

Our worries are more related to whether we are likely to face increased scrutiny or mistreatment.

The adoption process is highly intrusive, all adopters face an incredibly high level of scrutiny. In my case my mental health came under a lot of scrutiny because I’d had some issues and they needed to know I had good insight and understanding not just of current triggers but that I had done work on the underlying issues. That was hugely intrusive because the mental health issues stemmed from early trauma, so you can imagine…

Social workers are looking for evidence that you have a child’s best interests at the centre of your decision making. In your case identity will form a significant part of that process because your identity will impact any child placed with you, @Torvy gives an excellent run down of some of the potential issues you’ll want to have considered.

The worst thing you could do is go into the process thinking “we’re the same as any other couple”, because there are added complexities as soon as you have anything in your life that is “different” be that gender identity, sexuality, abuse, early trauma, strong faith background etc. Social workers are looking to find homes for very vulnerable children, not finding a child for willing parents, and their focus will be on any potential child.

You're in a stable relationship, which a is great start and will have faced discrimination and prejudice, which will help you understand some of the challenges previously looked after children can face. Just remember that your life and relationships are your normal, so there will be things you just don’t think about that a social worker might have questions about or want to focus on.

I’d echo @Torvy’s comments about use of language, clumsiness in exploring sensitive issues and assumptions. It would be great if every social worker came with the knowledge, understanding, right terminology, sensitivity and time to say exactly the right thing in the right way - you may need to challenge or clarify things that don’t sit right with you, which is absolutely fine. It takes time to build a good working relationship so I tended to ascribe any bumps in the road to clumsiness rather than malice, and for the most part that served me well.

Oh my goodness, I can’t thank you enough for this incredibly detailed and invaluable advice. We knew that the process was invasive, but were not really in what way. All of the points you raised are legitimate concerns, and we have had a lot of discussions about how we would handle these kinds of issues.

Neither my husband or I are in the closet, but we also don’t feel that being trans is a big aspect of who we are. We are of course very used to other people feeling differently though! My husband passes well and is unlikely to draw any attention, but most people can identify that I am a trans woman. I’m ok with that, but the possibility of a child being picked on as a result of it is something we have both worried about and discussed. We do fortunately live in Brighton, where people are more open to these kinds of things.

Our real fear was that there would be an assumption that we were mentally ill and unfit to parent a child, or would face really invasive questions about our bodies or sex lives. The issues you have highlighted and that they are likely to raise are absolutely in keeping with what I hoped would be the priority, and I can’t tell you the relief to hear that from someone who has been through the process themselves.

We are both used to people using potentially offensive language or questions so I feel confident we can handle that with grace and understanding. We have just gone on the new family social website to have a look and will see if we can join one of their information sessions. Thank you so much for giving us more hope for the possibility. I wish you and your family all the best, your children sound wonderful and how lovely it is that they tell others so proudly about their two mums!

How fortunate they are to have a parent looking out for their interests like this ❤️ I wish you and your children the best

Thank you so much for your advice. It must have been very difficult for you to talk about your previous trauma, even though it is so important that social workers ensure that potential adopters can cope.

Social workers are looking to find homes for very vulnerable children, not finding a child for willing parents, and their focus will be on any potential child.

You are absolutely right. Whilst we really hope we can provide a loving and secure home to a child in need, the most important thing is their wellbeing.

We do understand that they will need to explore issues related to being trans to make sure we have thought about them, how they will impact the child, and how we will address that. As I said to Torvy, it is a relief to hear that the questions will be focused on relevant topics like that.

I also really appreciate you sharing your experience of challenging misinformation, and how that can be done in a productive manner. I agree entirely that one shouldn’t read malice into something better explained by a lack of knowledge. My husband and I always try to assume others are coming from a good place, and be understanding that some people might not use the ‘right’ language. We really aren’t worried about needing to explain things to people, more just that we would be having to justify our existence or be automatically assumed to be unfit.

Thank you again for your help ❤️

If I could trouble you with one more question - how did you and your partner decide you would cope with any bullying?

As I said, I am normally read as a trans woman. I am secure in that and myself, but understand how that could lead to teasing of a child.

My husband and I discussed the possibility of him doing school runs etc. to try and prevent issues, but it doesn’t seem like a long term solution as it is inevitable that we would meet friends and their parents at some point. I also wouldn’t want the child to think I didn’t prioritise them enough to take them to school, and would really miss the opportunity to talk to them about their day on the drive home.

As such, we have also thought about just trying to act like normal parents, be kind and courteous with other parents and children, and hope that that would lead to people understanding we are just normal people, once they get over the initial surprise and interest. However, I do worry if I’m being naive or potentially selfish in that, knowing that if it did not work out it would be the child who bore the brunt of any teasing or nastiness.

Our real fear was that there would be an assumption that we were mentally ill and unfit to parent a child, or would face really invasive questions about our bodies or sex lives.

I’d expect they’ll ask about both your process of transition because it’s an important developmental process, and they may ask about adaptive surgery/whether that might be a possibility in future. They may also ask about your sex life and how having children might impact that, or how you express affection day by day (because some children may find that difficult depending on their history). If you feel they are being too intrusive it’s fine to ask why they need to know about X and to expect a reasonable answer. Social workers should be able to give a clear answer to why they need information in the context of an adoption process or they shouldn’t be asking it.

Their questions can feel intrusive but should never feel voyeuristic or prurient, if it does feel that way it’s ok to ask why they need to know, and to take time to decide how you want to answer them.

LunaJessica thank you. So kind.

"As I said, I am normally read as a trans woman. I am secure in that and myself, but understand how that could lead to teasing of a child."

I am so sorry you are worried about this.

I hope you will be able to surround yourselves with living and kind families who will want to get to know you and your husband and new child.

There will be supportive groups. Especially, where you are.

All you can do is act like typical parents - and in many ways you are, but its always worth bearing in mind that your kids just maybe aren't going to be typical kids! Adopted kids often suffer from social thinning, which also leaves them vulnerable to loneliness and mental health issues later on in life. So you can be proactive and support your child in building lots of varying social networks- scouts, guides, swim team, school, church, gardening club, whatever. It also means you are not as dependant on one should things go wrong.

In regards to dealing with the bullying itself, you have a lot to consider. I worked in a secondary school, and there is no one size fits all approach, because it depends on the social standing of each child involved. I have a few thoughts that are based entirely on my own personal views.

What I should officially say is:
Obviously tell your child's teacher and follow the policy etc.

However....
Bullying is rarely simple, and also rarely solved by the application of a policy, if at all. Schools have limited resources. There is no policy in the world that can accomodate all the nuances of bullying, and so relying on what "should" happen is rarely going to improve the situation. What I'm going to suggest is what I would actually be doing or considering to genuinely support my kid in a typical case of bullying. It focuses less on dealing with the bully and more about my child- what do I need to do to prioritise my child's wellbeing and behaviour, rather than change the bully. The bully is unlikely to change at a speed that is necessary to prevent damage to my child, so the actions I take need to be about me influencing and taking control over what I can- i.e my child's actions and drawing on the relationships with staff that I can utilise to ensure their safety.

There is a caveat that any advice below this depends on the temperament of your child. My kids both dish it with varying degrees of severity, so the responses will be different to if we had a nice quiet gentle child whose first response was to weep and not to just deck someone immediately when they said something dumb. (The woes of parenting children who are so vastly different to you.... the chances of my two suffering anything in silence is slim to none.)

Anyway, here's what I would do.

Information gathering:
My question when they tell me someone was mean is always what was happening just before that? Getting them to work out what the trigger was can either be self reflection for them, or can help you work out why and when it happens. It can help a teacher know what to look out for as well. Think about any previous incidents and work put whether your child is (rightly or wrongly) linking them all together. Some kids just don't get on- it isn't bullying, they just don't like one another. Make sure you are accurately recording what your child says happened with dates and times, and then remember to tell the school. They can only deal with what they know. It's infuriating to be told something has gone on for ages when the school has had no idea but was expected to sort it out immediately. Be polite and non judgemental of the other child where possible.

Work out where your child is in the social standing.
Be open to the idea that it is entirely possible that your child (due to attachment issues, developmental difficulties etc) is batting above their social capital. Many a time, particularly in year 3/4 and year 7/8 it seems to me, you see kids trying to befriend the most popular kid in the class when (to be brutally honest) they are just not cool or mature enough to have an equitable relationship with them. If your kid is immature, or socially awkward, it is often best to try and redirect them if they are being continually rejected by a specific person. It can feel like bullying, but a skilled teacher or pastoral lead will be able to try and engineer some socially appropriate relationships where the child won't be constantly rejected. There is only so much that an 8 year old can do to reject someone nicely. That being said, there is a social power differential to consider- if the popular kid is ALWAYS mean, or a kid slightly lower in the pecking order isnbeig mean to them constantly to try and get laughs or recognition, that needs to be recognised too. It's like the saying that true humour punches up- the popular kid has a responsibility to be kind in their rejection, and the victim should not be used as social leverage. However, nobody owes anyone else friendship, so that is an important distinction to make.

You also need to work put the root cause. In secondary, things like throwing paper at a kid who they know will kick off in a supply lesson and then get kicked out to derail the whole lesson is common and allows a bully to get social kudos for getting the class out of lesson, for example. Kids will say all sorts of horrible stuff to someone to get a rise out of them and derail a lesson, and it is important to recognise that their ultimate goal was to get out of history, not necessarily cause lasting psychological harm to your child, although that may be the effect. There's work to be done on a lot of levels there, and I would be working with the teacher to yes, acknowledge what my kid had done (flipped the table, shouted and screamed etc) and how this could be best dealt with next time (support for the supply, an exit card for my kid, conversation with my kid saying that they were believed but also that it wasn't ok, getting them to recognise that their reaction exacerbated the situation so using their calming strategies will mean they can deal with it in a way that is more effective and doesnt get them into trouble) AND looking for the staff to speak with the bully and work out what could be done about the teachers behaviour management plan. Why was any of this happening in the lesson in the first place? Kids will be kids, nobody likes a supply, but it's not acceptable to do that.

It may well also be worth considering that the kid might have been told not to socialise with yours outside of class. It's not acceptable, but a harsh reality. Some kids won't come to the birthday party and won't invite yours because of their (often extreme religious) beliefs. It's a shame but fighting that is very tricky, and can put younger kids in a difficult situation. Teenagers are usually a bit easier in this way because they've realised their parents don't see them at schooland will develop their own ideas, but then again, they can also become fixated on their own identity that means they want to be seen doing things the way their family wants them to. Depending on the age of your child and their capacity to understand, you might have to explain that to them.

Determine the child's desires
I try to be non judgemental, and not to jump in saying nobody should hurt my darling boy and he needs to stay well away from them, because it is worth the time to acknowledge that there is possibly a relationship that they ultimately want to protect (lots of school aged bullying is prior friends falling out) so determining whether they want to continue the relationship in some form (maybe they are all part of the same friendhsip group) and therefore need strategies about how to manage a toxic friend, or whether they need adult intervention to genuinely stop or minimise all contact between them is key. Do they have the words to accurately describe what is happening? Is it a falling out or genuine bullying? Maybe for teenagers it is banter. And there is no point in saying they shouldn't banter, because they can will and do- so how should your kid manage it? Do they have a line they don't want crossed, and how could they effectively communicate this? The mayor of London did an ad about tackling street harassment that I found helpful to frame conversations that weren't about specific incidents but gave some general ideas about how to respond in a way that showed disapproval without disrupting the relationship.

Its also worth considering do they actually want you to intervene? Or do they just want to vent to you? I have had many a weeping teenage girl in my office devastated that her dad came up the shool to shout and threaten some of the boys who she said were bullying her, and it made the situation much worse. What they usually wanted was to be able to tell their parents and have them comfort her, and maybe fix whatever the problem was- more deodorant, help to lose weight, sympathy over not having a boyfriend, a better social media picture etc. What are they actually upset about? Nobody gets upset about something that is completely untrue, often it is something that the kids is worried about deep down anyway. It can also help you work out a reasonable solution with the school. It is rarely reasonable to expect the bully to be flayed alive and hung up by their toenails (no matter how much you would like that) , but if you can work out what the issue is, you can give some realistic and achievable solutions that won't make your kid a social pariah. Things that have worked have been things like discreetly moving seating plans so that your child is away from the bully, doing whole year group or whole school assemblies, asking the school to mark lgbt history month, providing a place at lunch for your child to go to, restorative justice sessions with a review date, asking all parties to hand their phones in at the start of the day, a designated person to tell if something happens, specific conversations to be had with a child about any misconceptions that have arisen etc.

Also consider the stuff that you can do with your kid to improve their resilience once you find the root of why this makes them feel vulnerable. Maybe they are worried about their weight, could you help them with that? Maybe they are worried they don't have a boyfriend or girlfriend, can you commiserate or find other social opportunities with them?

If the bullying is based in homophobia or transphobia, it is unlikely that what has been said will be an isolated incident, so depending on the comment you can support your child's feelings about it before dealing with the incident. If it was a dig at you, it can help to acknowledge that the feelings around that for your child are complicated and possibly difficult. Did they wish they had a snappy comeback and are replaying it? Worried that the bully was right? Ashamed that they did actually feel embarrassed about you? Worried you will be offended by what their friends say and not allow them to hang out with them? Are they consequently worried about you rejecting them for feeling that way but also worried about their friends rejecting them? Maybe they assessed the situation and didnt feel safe enough to challenge it? All those feelings and actions are valid, but might make them feel conflicted. To me it is important to explicitly state to them that the opinion of other children about you doesn't matter to you because you are a secure adult, your main concern is their wellbeing. Obviously as grown ups you can know that people like that aren't their friends really, but to a kid it feels vitally important, and they can feel really really split about where their loyalties lie. I would reassure them regularly that our love is never in question and that whilst we are proud of who we are, we also want to make them happy and safe and comfortable. We want to help them decide how to get what they want out of the relationship with this person, and support them doing it.

It is also worth being clear about what youn can and cannot offer to help them. For example, some people don't like the idea of rejecting their identity, but I regularly ask my kids to dress smartly and sit quietly at family events when they clearly identify as hurricanes in human form, so if in their teenage years that means they want me to pick them up in a car that doesn't have a pride sticker on or wearing one of the many pride tshirts that I've accumulated over the years because they just want to be as "normal" as possible, I personally think it is a fair deal. I know, I know, it feels like a betrayal, but compromise can let them feelmin control of a situation thatbfeels very out of control. If a parent is super religious, or very alternative, or very hippy, the kids are embarrassed, and for some kids it can cause a real block in their relationship with their parents, which to me isn't worth it. A modicum of concession can really help here. I would also recommend finding someone to support you as well- it can feel like you are losing yourself, and you need to be clear on what you will or won't adapt. We won't ever lie, for example, or stop going to pride, or be ashamed. They don't have to feel the same way that we do though, and we understand that our love is not based on their feelings about our relationship. They will be teenagers, they are allowed to be mad at us for everything.

Finally, I'm sure this is obvious but for the love of all things holy respect the age limits of social media. It terrifies me how little people know about their kids online life and are willing to allow them to manage that on their own. Most bullying in teenage years will happen online or be exacerbated by online actions. In addition, schools have very limited powers to control what happens online- you could possibly argue that they are bringing the school into disrepute if they identify the school publicly in their posts but its tenuous. Therefore you end up in serious cases going to the police, which is an ace up your sleeve in the most dire of circumstances, but not an immediate go to I would imagine.

I personally think that you have got to approach bullying as relational. It's all about preparing children for the skills they will need to manage interpersonal relationships in the long run, and in my mind the child needs to be helped to develop the repertoire of responses, one of which might be utilising policy and adult intervention, but others may be be adjusting their own behaviour, using peer support, consolidating other friendships etc.

It isn't an easy task, and I think some adopted children can really be up against it because attachment difficulties can really start to show in friendships as children develop and go through their developmental phases. I would familiarise myself with what is normal or typical behaviour and what is not for each year group so that you have a good measure of what to expect, and always support your kid, remembering that their brains can in some cases be wired to misinterpret or misunderstand some social signals because of their trauma background. I saw someone on insta saying that their job was not to be just a parent but essentially be a replacement frontal lobe for their kids as they develop, and to help them take the signals and interpret the world sensibly, and it really stuck with me.

Hope some of these thoughts are helpful- like I say, there is what should happen, then the reality of what works and is sustainable. I'm always in favour of solutions that are sensible, practical and effective, whilst also preparing the kids for later life in an age and stage appropriate way.