Advice needed

[Impy2009]

Recently my mum received a message from my ex husband via social media requesting a reference as he is wishing to adopt a child with his current wife
My mum isn't in a position to give a reference

After a short amount of research I'm gathering that the ideal scenario for them would be to get a reference from me, his adult child and potentially his other ex wife

A little background we have been separated 16 years, we had no children together. We have no relationship, my family members have no relationship with him either

Because he could of contacted me instead of my mum I'm guessing he felt she may give a more favourable reference than me

That said it makes me wonder if he's potentially trying to dodge awkward conversations regarding his now adult child

He was an absent parent for the majority of her childhood and was chased by the child maintenance service this did impact on our marriage as I believed at the very least he should provide financially for his child. Whilst he didn't want to sacrifice the money

That said it is now around 30 years since he became a parent, I don't know if he has a relationship with her now and how she would feel about him becoming a dad again and that's not my business either since I have never met his daughter

He's now in his mid 50's, has been married to his current wife for a number of years and together around 16 years, from what I know of her she'd be a wonderful mum and that's the part that has me asking for advice

Becoming a mum changed my life and being a mum is my life
I wouldn't want to stand in the way of her becoming a mum even if I personally chose not to do that with him

Would you wait and see if I'm asked for a reference

Would you contact his wife and say your willing to give a reference but that it will be honest regarding his daughter

Or would you contact the adoption agency with the info I have

Or take another approach

Hi @Impy2009
Unless you have direct information about his capacity as a parent I would stay out of it unless and until you are approached directly.
Social services will contact his daughter and her mother directly. They are the people who can give a response about his parenting.
Your mother can refuse or just give an honest response.

Also please bear in mind people do change and mature.
The adoption process is rigorous, if there are issues they will come out.
Whatever information you or your mother provide will.only be one piece of an extensive assessment.

Thank you for your response

I agree people do change and mature in this case theres decades worth of room for growth

Hopefully the social worker can talk to his daughter and her mum because yes that's the relevant information regarding parenting, that I feel they would need to know to be fully informed

I will wait and see if I'm contacted

If having no reference regarding the time we were together won't hinder the application then it's all good

Because it's his capacity to parent in the marriage he is in now that's important and I'm sure the social workers will be comprehensive in assessing that

I totally agree with Ted.

I wouldn't contact the agency but if your mum was directly contacted by your ex and she doesn't wish to give a reference then there is no harm in her mentioning to him that you might be open to giving a reference if that is something that he would like and you would feel comfortable doing. The door is open then either way.

I appreciate all responses