Birthday parties/friendship issue

[teekay88]

Hi there just looking for some wisdom from the community! Long story short(ish), my son came home at 13ms and is now 5.5. since 3, it has become apparent he has issues with emotional and behavioural regulation, which we suspect is partly trauma related but we also suspect he has hyperactive type ADHD with some sensory issues and he is awaiting assessment for this. He receives a lot of support to regulate through the day at school (close to but not quite 121 support) and we're also in the process of getting him an EHCP sorted. To say his journey starting reception has been rocky is an understatement. On the positive side we have a number is successful strategies we now use at home that help to regulate him, and we have a very good awareness of his triggers now. He is unfortunately grappling with a lot of anxieties at the moment around his adoption, which is manifesting itself in a lot of obsessive behaviour with friendships which we suspect is all part of the same thing

Anyhow...there is a boy in his class he has really struggled with. For context, my son is often in trouble at school himself and is certainly internalising his view of himself as a "naughty" boy despite all our best efforts to mitigate that with support and therapeutic parenting at home. He does tend towards friendships with children who are boisterous like him and the combination of him and several other boys in his class often means school is full of triggers for him and he and his friends bring out the worst in each other. I am always very careful given our own experience not to be judgemental of other childrens behaviour having learnt how it feels myself to be a parent who has to deal with others judgements of my own son. However this particular boy he is particularly obsessive about, sometimes manically playing with him and them riling each other up at school which usually results in them both getting into trouble - but then when at home he presents as quite scared and worried about this boy as he has hurt him on numerous occasions, tried to encourage him to join in on inappropriate behaviour (like asking to see a girl in the class's private parts), and has on multiple times said to my son that he is a naughty boy and his parents think he is too. I do take some of this feedback as a pinch of salt as my son has a tendency to project anxieties by exaggerating other children's behaviour so I'm not always sure what to believe. However he talks about him obsessively at home and it does seem apparent he is in some way scared of him. I've tried to handle this as best I can buy explaining that maybe X (this boy) is having a difficult time or may be "feeling fizzy" and we never refer to him as badly behaved but I also want to be responsive to my son's worries about him.

It's got to the point that my son worried whenever this boy is present says he doesn't want to go somewhere if he will be there. We have 2 birthday parties both at soft play this week where the boy will be there. We haven't gone to soft play for a long time as my son struggles with regulating and we've had major meltdowns ending in aggression (which I think is an over excitement and sensory thing) and typically I've tried to avoid parties in this environment but it seems it slipped my mind this time that that was the venue. I'm very nervous about attending these parties both because I have to be very hyper vigilant about my son's regulation around other children and also because this particular boy is likely to end up playing with my son and it never ends well. I.e. they'll be playing rough, someone will be caught in crossfire and then I'll be feeling anxious about other parents reactions as well as the likelihood the other boy may say or do something that sets my son off on another worry spiral which then impacts his behaviour at school. It's so hard

I want my son to enjoy the party but I'm not sure how to handle the dynamic with the boy whilst there - or to handle what seems to be an ongoing issue in their friendship. I have a lot of empathy with the boys family as I happen to know similarly to us they have lots of talks and feedback from the school so I feel I'm always walking a tightrope of not being too negative about him at home but also wanting to try to avoid too much interaction between them

Sorry a very garbled message but would appreciate any advice from parents who may have experienced similar

In all honesty I wouldn’t attend the party. Parties are exciting in themselves, your son struggles with dysregulation at soft play and there’s difficulties in his relationship with this other lad. In my mind that’s too many things for a 5 year old to cope with - it’s going to end in tears.

I know we want our children to have friendships and attend parties, and usually I’d press on and try to scaffold around the event, but it does sound like too many pressures. You’re already worried about him not coping, with good reason, could you arrange a separate play date for the birthday boy?

In terms of the other boy, I think it might help your son to start talking about friendships, what it means to be and have good friends. Exploring whether this boy is kind to him (ask him for examples) or unkind (ask him for examples), its not about good or bad behaviour but what is ok for your son in relationships - helping him recognise his own boundaries.

You may find he’s clinging to this boy because other kids don’t want to play with him or exclude him, or because it gives him a constant “friend” or he may not know he’s allowed to move away from him. Can the school help him with social skills at all?

The problem with soft play environments is that it is very difficult to get into them quickly to support your kid if they are having difficulties. Nothing like having to scramble through two ballpits and a punchbag corridor to stop your kid pushing another one to really make you lose any sense of dignity and authority you ever had.

Soft play is veeeeery overstimulating and exciting, which can be fine if all parents can agree that kids will be kids, it's like Lord of the flies in there and we can all ignore the argy bargy in favour of a few moments to have a shit coffee in peace. Mine literally come out bleeding and I mop them up, calm them down and send them back in for round two. However, not all parents are like that, and i suspect given your worries the parents at your school are not like that, and that anxiety might rub off on your kid too. If you know he gets riles and aggressive, is he calmable? Do you feel you can control him?

I guess you have two options:

You don't go to the party, make your apologies and disappoint your son. This way he misses out on a social opportunity but is kept more socially safe in that he can't damage the relationships he has with other kids. It might make him cross with you as well though , unless you can do something better, but that's a lot of pressure.

If you do go, you could put into place lots of regulating and social strategies:

• recount the "rules" of soft play and make him repeat them to you. We make ours sound off the rules before entering any park or soft play- no hitting no kicking no biting no spitting no blocking no name calling. I ask whether we have missed any and then they come out with whatever they are scheming about.

• hover and be present for the whole time. Let him know you are going to be keeping an eye on him. Proximity can be regulating for a child.

• pull him out for regular drinks and snacks- think sensory, icy, crunchy, chewy. It also ones he specifically likes so that you have leverage. Mine will move heaven and earth for a polo for example. Its useful to make him feel like he has something "over" everyone else if he is feeling anxious too.

• cut nails before you go if he is a scratcher. Similarly I would be thinking about clothing- mine gets angry when he gets hot, but doesn't recognise bodily signals. Same for regular loo and drink breaks- if he is so busy playing, he might not recognise the signals. It's a good way to disrupt any potentially excitable situations too, and yo give other parents an excuse for you being so close.

• specifically teach him that he has to check for babies before belly flopping into a ball pit

• have a clear timeout policy with him that you can refer to. For example, if he deliberately hits, he gets a time in, then after two time ins you go home. If he is just being exuberant, he comes with you to calm down, but that doesn't count etc. Remind him of the consequences if he starts getting near the limit. Don't do it on the fly or change it because other parents are being aggy, but you can play it by ear! We remind our LO that his brain can get overexcited (we call it his dinosaur brain) and that it needs certain things to calm down, and one of those things is quiet and calm, which obviously means we need to leave the soft play.

• what is your relationship with the other parents? Could you have a game plan with them? 15 minute play 5 minute break?

• could the teacher at school be warned about the party and any repercussions socially so that they can monitor it closely afterwards? Ours has an excellent learning mentor who can support with talking about it afterwards and reflecting on it from a social POV.

• arrive later at the party (warn the hosting parents) to minimise the amount of time in soft play

• do a practice soft play at a quieter time or with no real friends nearby to practice doing it? We often prefer to do soft play that isn't local so that if things do get heated, it isn't people we know.

• have slip on shoes and a grab and go bag so that you can exit the party quickly. I wear a bumbag so that I don't worry about leaving my big bag for extended periods of time, and the kid wears Wellies or cross so that I can shove his feet in and go.

• is there anything else that makes him anxious? Mine can't handle present giving so that's always something I do parent to parent.

• a high value treat afterwards can be helpful to remove him from a situation. There's a lot to be said for saying "oh darling, the party is too much for you right now, how about we get you that happy meal now?" Especially valuable if you need to flounce off publicly because someone is demanding you flay your child alive after a minor altercation that their kid started. Their faces drop and they are so mad that you won't shame your kid and are "rewarding" them, even if you know its something you have prearranged with your kid!

Soft plays are both amazing for running off energy an also horrific for overstimulating already anxious kids.

Kids friendships do change as well. Ours was hanging round with a boy who was not socially matched for him, and it was causing all sorts of drama but then it fizzled out over the year as new friends came to the fore. The problem is, kids do gravitate towards others like them. Sometimes all you can do is let them run their course and hope the friendship fizzles out naturally. Ask the teacher to engineer other social opportunities- he might not take them but he can be given them. Could you use the chance to scout out other friends?

I say all this as a parent in a similar situation. The only other piece of advice I can offer is to have some self care for yourself sorted afterwards!

Let us know what you decide and how it goes!

@Torvy has given lots of great tips if you do decide to go.
I'd add: have a big drink of water and filling chewy snack for the car home. (My boy never eats very much at parties and always comes out hungry.)
Keep the car calm and quiet for the drive home (no music or radio)
Try and extract any sweets from the party bag before your child gets their hands on them! If you don't manage it and they eat a load of sugar, don't worry about it as they will be shattered from the party and (hopefully) crash after!

Soft play parties are time limited and have a clear ending when the party bag is handed out. That always helps with getting shoes back on and leaving the venue without a melt down!

Regarding the tricky friendship - keep the conversations very open and non judgemental with your child (it sounds like you are anyway) I've found parties quite useful for observing behaviours and then being able to discuss with my boy later "I noticed X was pushing quite a lot of people. I wonder how you felt about that" He's in y1 now and I'm starting to notice him reflecting on what other children do and realising where he doesn't feel so comfortable. It's useful for helping them to build some boundaries around physical and social contact.

I'd also agree with the advice above talking to school and what they can do to promote positive friendships and a positive self image for your son. Any messages trusted adults can give him about being a kind/helpful/hardworking/friendly child can make a difference to counteract the 'naughty' message from the other child.

Hi everyone please forgive the delayed reply. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond and you've given me a lot of potential strategies to manage the situation and food for thought in general

I really wish I hadn't read the invite properly on the first place as I never would have RSVPed yes to a party if I had known it was at a soft play environment for all the reasons described above. I didn't want to cancel so last minute as I think that would be a bit unfair on the host but importantly could lead to my son feeling punished and excluded when all of his classmates are going. Knowing what I know of the shame spiral he does into and how he interprets these things this just doesn't feel like an option

However I did decide in the end to message the mum privately and did explain in vague terms that my son has additional needs and finds these kinds of environments difficult to manage. And so we would likely come for a shorter period of time and that I hope she understood. She was very gracious in her reply said she completely understood and that her own daughter has some sensory issues she is being assessed for so she has some similar experience. So this makes me feel better from that point of view but doesn't necessarily help me with the issue of managing the dynamic of the boy in question

I do agree with jellycats that this is likely the reason my son gravitates to this boy. He probably finds some kind of strange acceptance in it and I know he does get inte self jealous of other "well behaved" children in the class (presumably because they receive a lot of positive attention and praise and help hardly ever experiences this). The school have identified social skills development as a priority for him. We are looking into whether post adoption services have anything they can offer through the ASF but also in process of applying for DLA which we intend to use towards interventions one such as play therapy. We also do a lot of role modelling and talking through feelings about friends at home. My son is very intensive with friendships, having cycles of complete obsession with a child, talking about them incessantly at home, followed by a perceived slight which he takes very personally and then he cuts them off in favour of another friend and characterises it as them being "mean" to them. He struggles with identifying the grey area in emotions. That he may feel disappointed or cross with something someone has done but that doesn't necessarily mean they were being intentionally unkind or that he can't be friends with them. He also struggles to accept if one of his friends wants to be friends with someone else apart from him. He will often refer to being "in love" with friends and we're having to do a lot of clarifying different types of love etc. sorry for the essay but you can see what we're working with!

Thank you to other posters for suggestions on how to manage the party itself. I've taken all of these on board. I will certainly be supervising him more so that other parents (no sitting back with a coffee for me!). I will have snacks at the ready, and a bit of a "grab bag" so we can leg it if we need to. This does mean I'll look an absolute helicopter p as rent but I'd rather that than the alternative

I have a communication book going with school and I'll have a chat with them about likely impact of parties so they can manage this. Eugh it's exhausting isn't it! Thank you so much