Do I stand a chance

[Tinypod]

I've been wanting to explore adoption for a long time. However I think some things may stand against me and I'm not sure if its even worth enquiring.

Number one is I do have a criminal record, for shoplifting as a teenager, im now 35.
Number two is I suffered from depression as a teenager and for a few months last year. I think both of those times were situational, I had a horrible home life with an abusive mother and the more recent episode I'd had 2 miscarriages, which I received grief counseling for.
Number three is I only rent my home, however I do have a spare room and I'm prepared to save up money so I'd be able to take a year off.

I think the positives are; I'm already a mum to a teenager and I have experience with other children, including special needs, I've got a support network of close family and friends and I think I can be a good mum to someone needing a home and a family.

I'm obviously prepare for rejection, I just want to be realistic.

Many thanks for any thoughts or input 😊

Nothing you’ve said here would exclude you from adoption. They would be explored and talked about but as long as you’re open, there shouldn’t be a problem. You may have to prove your rental is a stable but I’m not sure about that because I don’t rent. I do know renting doesn’t stop you though!

Like PP said I have heard that renting isn't necessarily a barrier (assuming it is stable). I don't have any experience with the criminal record but I can't imagine it'd be a problem. As part of the assessment you'll have to reflect on your life and the social worker may well choose to explore the stuff around shoplifting and your record in some depth - but as long as you can reflect on it I can't imagine it would be a problem (don't be tempted to lie though).

I adopted over a year ago and have a much more extensive history of depression, albeit somewhat longer ago. Though I am still on anti-depressants. We talked about it loads - what led to me becoming depressed, how I dealt with it, and how I would deal with post adoption depression. The fact that you accessed counselling for it will reflect well on you.

Based on what you've said I definitely think it is worth making contact with an agency.

I can only share my experience and what I wish I'd heard when I was first considering adoption, I hope it helps.

I'm in stage 2 of the process and nearing our panel date. There were loads of things that I thought were big red flags about myself that have turned out to be strengths.

I have a history of depression but this has been seen as a positive as it has demonstrated that I can seek help, recognise possible signs and triggers when it comes to my mental health, and it shows resilience.

They aren't expecting you to have lived a "perfect" and unblemished life. Your experiences of loss and trauma will be so valuable as an adoptive parent and gives you a unique ability to have empathy and understanding of what an adopted child may have been through.

I would recommend attending an informal information session with an adoption agency (usually done online).

@CandleMouse thank you so much. Thats what I was hoping. I thought my problems would help me be a good adoptive mum because I'd not judge them ever and I could help them with their problems growing up.

I would second what other people have said- it sounds like your experiences, if properly processed, could position you well to adopt.

A couple of things stand out to me (and I'm assuming things based on your post, so please forgive me if any of these aasumptions are incorrect)- you haven't mentioned a partner, but if you have one it could be useful to reflect on how this has helped you and why you think they are the person who can help you notice signs of poor mental health etc.

You say you have a teenage child and are 35, so I'm assuming you had them when you were early 20's or late teens. That's quite young, and it might be worth doing some thinking about how being a slightly older mum might be a bit different (both positives and negatives!) But also be prepared for that to be explored in conjunction with your history with your own parents- it sounds like it was only a few years after your were 18 that you got pregnant, and having a clear explanation of how and why that was the right choice for you then would be helpful to have to hand.

2 miscarriages is a really tricky thing to go through, and grief counselling was probably a good shout. Be prepared for SW to probe this and possibly also ask for confirmation from the therapist you worked with that this work was done. They shouldn't ask to see notes, but will possibly need to check in with them given how recent it was. It can be surprising if you don't know to expect it. It is a strength because it shows your openness to therapy etc.

Having gone through something might or might not make you an ideal parent for that. For example, some social workers are leery of putting kids from families with mental health issues into placements where there have been historic familial mental health issues (not all, but some). This is because it can be quite triggering, especially if the child refuses to engage with you on the subject, or suffers excessively because of it. Another example may be FASD. If your parent was an alcoholic, having your own child be potentially very affected by some issues could make you feel frustrated at hearing your parents/sister/neighbor who try to minimise or dismiss the impact that alcohol has on them or their own families, which in turn might be difficult for you to not react to, if you see what I mean. That can make you feel quite isolated.

As PPs have said, no one thing is a barrier, and could even be a strength, but it is how you are able to show a true understanding of how these things fit together in the narrative of your life, hownone thing could have caused the other, and how you can subsequently pre empt any challenges that is important. Think life storywork for yourself not just the kids!

I think you have a lot to offer a child.

@Torvy no partner, it was very on and off since the last miscarriage, but we've drawn a line under it now.

Yep, I was 19 when pregnant and 20 when I had her. I look back and think that was so so young, but all I wanted at the time was to be a mum. I had absolutely no life as an adult before I had her. There are so many cringey things I did because I didn't have a clue, im always thinking about how I'd do things dofferently.

I hear what you are saying, and coincidentally I have been thinking a lot over the past few years about how experiences (mainly as a child and young adult) turn us into who we are in life. Are there many children with difficulties? Sorry I dont know how else to phrase it.

I'm prepared to put in the work, just very nervous about being rejected.

@Tinypod don't feel like you need to answer anything publicly, by the way, I'm just giving some suggested avenues of thought that I would imagine from my own experiences that social workers might pursue. Some people are shocked by the amount of detail and depth they go into during the process so it is worth being aware of it and have a thoughtful consideration of what your answer might be. It sounds like you have started the reflection process already!

The vast majority of children who are placed for adoption have had a difficult start and have faced a lot of trauma, which can have life long implications. There are few children who have been relinquished nowadays (although there are still some), so it is worth having a read up on the impact of trauma on the developing brain.

There is an excellent podcast on BBC sounds called the adoption, which gives an insight into all the perspectives, and Timpsons the watch maker also gives out free easy guides to trauma because they work extensively with kids in care. I would also recommend looking at adoption UK and listening to the adoption fostering and tea podcast from new family social- it's aimed at lgbtq families, but covers a whole host of topics that give a good insight into what adoption is like.

@Tinypod I was looking up some stuff for myself but these two links reminded me of this post and I wanted to share them!
The first link has some information about being a single adopter and having a criminal record, the second link makes mention of adopting if you have suffered with mental health.

https://www.first4adoption.org.uk/who-can-adopt-a-child/10-common-misconceptions-squashed/

https://www.first4adoption.org.uk/who-can-adopt-a-child/your-health-and-adoption/

Omg thank you so much. I'm so pleased people haven't been negative or knocked my confidence here. I'll have a looky after the apprentice.

It sounds like you have a lot to offer and it would definitely be worth applying.

From what you've said, you sound as though you have reflected on your past parenting and been able to see how you would now parent differently. That's a skill that is very important in adoptive parenting and will stand you in good stead when going through the process. However, and you may have already done this (and I think it is an ongoing thing anyway), but have you had these conversations with your current teenager?

Teenage years are challenging enough anyway but to then potentially have a sibling parented in a different way from their own early upbringing could add another challenge for them if it's not been talked through about the reasons why, or not acknowledged that perhaps some things could have been done differently.

Getting your teenager onboard with your plans and accepting/understanding of the way you will probably need to parent differently could be a key factor in making an adoption work. Your assessing social worker will want to talk to your child as part of the process and it will be much easier for them if you've already had many conversations, reflected together, thought of strategies for how you will both manage your sudden intense focus on another child when they've been used to being your sole focus...

It's a tricky balance between discussing things too early before you know timescales or whether it's even likely to go ahead and giving time for reflection, questioning and acceptance on their part. Only you will know when and how to approach this with your child but some conversations based on your own reflections could happen without disclosing your intention to adopt.

As you go through the process, you will have time to learn more about some of the common needs of children who are waiting for adoption - but any time spent now reading up on attachment (Dan Hughes is a good one), how trauma manifests in our bodies (Bessel Van der Kolk), therapeutic parenting styles etc would be well worth it.

The more you learn, the more confident you will be in knowing what child you can be the best parent for.

@LeoLeo2

So I looked into it a couple of years ago, and she knew about it then and didn't seem that fussed either way, however I didn't have a spare bedroom so it couldn't be taken any further than in my own head, we moved quite far away, so I could afford a 3 bed, that was 2 years ago and I enquired when we first moved and I was told to settle in first, then apply. So its been 2 years this week 😊 and I think we are quite settled. I haven't actually told her I'm thinking of applying again yet. I'm thinking of bringing it up tonight.

With regarding different parenting and techniques, we've spoken about adopted children before (my cousins cousin is adopted and we adore him, so occasionally it comes up) and I've explained to her how some parenting wouldn't be suitable for adopted children, e.g you couldn't discipline an adopted child who has been neglected and left on their own for long periods of time by sitting them on the naughty step alone or sending them to their bedroom, and she understood that. I've also told her how there are so many things I wish I could do differently, for instance being a young mum full of myself I raised my daughter to be very outspoken and its often come back to bite me.

I'm also interested in how others decided on age groups? I'm interested in 0-2 and 2-4. On the one hand 2-4 would be great as they will have their own little personality and the toddler years are amazing and they will have maybe a little tiny bit of independence, like feeding themselves etc. But then again 0-2 would be so so special as a family, we'd be able to build that attachment with them.

Thank you for your detailed reply x

Just a note on ages. We adopted our boy at 23 months. He was so tiny! Still such a baby really! Attachment has been no issues at all. He is now nearly 5, every second word out of his mouth is ‘mummy’, ‘mummy’, ‘mummy’ and his new fave saying (which absolutely melts my heart and he 100% uses to his advantage) ‘Mummy, I love you the whole world!’

They're just adorable aren't they. I'm sad to say I can't 100% remember the things my BC said 😥

I'm open to different ages and children with disabilities, depending on if I think I've got the skillset. I'd also like siblings but I've only got the 1 spare bedroom and I think I heard someone on here stating sw dont like bc being outnumbered or something odd like that.

That sounds really positive that you have already had conversations about adoption. I hope further chats go well.

My children were over 5 when they came home. I had originally stated ages 4-7 so I was bang in the middle!

For me, I had never been overly interested in babies and 18 months onward was my favourite time with nieces, nephews and friend's children. Also, as a single adopter I needed to get back to work. (Or so I thought! Due to my children’s needs I have never returned to work.)

I would say, find out all you can about different conditions - FASD, ASC, ODD, ADHD ... as well as attachment styles, the education system (especially for children with SEN), therapy types and what each one is most commonly used for, parenting approaches etc - and start thinking not only what you think you could manage/assist a child with, but also how your family and friends would vope. You will need support and it becomes very isolating if you have a child no-one else understands or can cope with.

I would however say not to discount any particular type of SEN, age or other 'criteria' until you have finished your assessment and until you have read any individual child's information or spoken to their social worker. Paperwork records the factual events and diagnoses but does not capture the essence of a child.