Sister trying to find birth parents

[dmk3195]

Hi, my sister and I are adopted. I have no interest in finding my birth parents but she wants to. My dad confided in me when he was upset about it that hers are not good people and have a history of child s*x abuse. Is there any way to prepare her for this? My sister would be more vulnerable than me and I am just so worried that this will be too much for her and she will not be able to cope. Any advice would be much welcomed

I'm adopted and traced my birth family. I would advise your sister to use an intermediary service, I did and it was really helpful. It slows the process and looks after the interests of everyone involved. I decided not to contact my birth father due to information I received but formed really positive, life changing relationships with other birth family members.

https://corambaaf.org.uk/fostering-adoption/adoption/information-adults-who-were-adopted-or-care/how-trace-birth-family

Hi @dmk3195

It's a very natural desire to want to trace your birth family. It's also fine if you don't want to. It's a very personal decision.
If your sister is determined to find them then it would be better if you tried to support her if you can.
I've given a link above to some advice about searching. It gives very strong encouragement to getting counselling before hand and has a further link to some organisations which can help with that.
If you are over 18 you can ask to see your social services file and a social worker will give some support.

Does your sister know anything about her background?
Can I ask how old you are ?

Hi, thanks for your response. I am 33 and she is 23, she is slightly delayed in development for her age I would say she has the mind of about 18? She is very naieve and a lot of times she struggles to understand things and that’s why I’m so worried about her. she doesn’t know anything about her background at all my parents don’t know how to bring it up they are just as worried as me

@dmk3195

It did sound like she is quite young.
It's really unusual for an adopted person of that age not to know about their birth family.
I'd say she really needs professional life story work before she starts to look.
Does she have an EHCP. If she does she could get funding for that work via the Adoption Support Fund.
Your parents really do need to give her some information though. I know it's tough but it's part of the job of being an adoptive parent.

@dmk3195 Can I ask what was the outcome on this? Stumbled across this thread today and I'm just curious.

I would definitely talk to your parents and explain that your sister has expressed an interest in finding/meeting them and your concern she might try to on her own. I'd highlight that it's vital that she hears about them from your parents because finding out later on will only isolate her from them, as she might feel that this has been hidden from her.

It would be really good for your parents to sit down and have a conversation about it with her. It's difficult but they could start by saying they know she's curious about her birth family, and ask her why she thinks she was adopted. Whatever answer she gives will most likely be an underestimate so they could then ask her, how would she manage if it was much worse than this and suggest meeting her halfway by suggesting an intermediary service with a counsellor.

I think if your parents then went with your sister to the intermediary she wouldn't be so vulnerable because she would have an open door to discuss with with them or you.

The intermediary will also be able to provide your sister information about why she was adopted and family background. Based on the information the intermediary gives, she might change her mind or decide to go ahead but at least she would have family for support and wouldn't be acting alone