Choosing your preferred age bracket

[newbsie]

Can I ask what age bracket you chose when adopting and what influenced your decision on the age you chose?
We are now in the nitty gritty of exploring what we can or would accept with our placement eg. age, medical history etc etc
I know this is personal to our own circumstances and only we can answer these questions but any advice on how you approached this stage would be greatly appreciated! There’s a LOT to consider

I should say .. we have already chosen our age range lol But being asked about considering other ages also is why I’m asking this question

I opted for 3-5, but in the course of family finding extended upwards to 7. I ultimately brought home a 12-month old. I wouldn't change my son for the world, nor would I wish away those valuable early years I had to bond with him and see all of his 'firsts', but I will be honest and say that the baby stage of nappies, being woken up in the night, nap resistance and not knowing what my son was trying to communicate was not my favourite time. It's incredibly personal and some people absolutely will want to, or even feel a need to, care for a child from infancy, but it's not for everyone.

I would be more concerned about seeing the child for who they are and less concerned about their age. And although it is a fairly obvious thing to say, their age is not fixed. Children do get older, but they never get younger. So in adopting a 12-month old, I did get my 3-5 year old and even the 7 year-old in the end, but that all happened years down the line. It wouldn't have worked the other way, of course.

Something else that's really worth considering, and you might have already heard it, is that adopted children often present as quite a bit younger than their chronological age. So when you are looking at 'older' children, they may present as a couple of years behind their peers. You might think that you'd rather not have a child who is 'behind' and see this as a reason to opt for a baby, but then there is no guarantee that a baby will hit all their developmental milestones as they grow, even if they are hitting them as a baby, and you may still come to have an older child who presents as a couple of years younger.

In adopting a baby you get far less certainty in who your little person is going to become. I met with the medical advisor to talk about how my child might develop and indeed everything they said might happen really did, with a few extra bells and whistles to boot.

Thank you! Lots to think about!

We have went with younger even though we know, like you said, there is more unknown medically with that age. Is it standard to meet with medical advisor or is that something you requested?

Standard, I think.

Great! I didn’t realise that so thank you!

I agree that age is a bit more tricky because you can end up having a child with a different chronological age to their developmental stage, but it is also worth considering other factors. The usual ones of considering the child's background etc, what you can manage, but there's also some other things you might want to consider. None of these are particularly make or break, but worth a thought.

It might depend on what support you have available. For example, do you have someone who is physically able to support with a baby or toddler (e g lifting and carrying) in your network for respite? Is anyone experienced in dealing with a teething two year old? Anyone who could advise on primary senco relationships?

Do you have friends with children similar ages? Would that be better or worse? (Comparison is the thief of joy and all that). We found that relationships with my extended family are trickier because our two interrupted the cousin birth order, and being close on age to what was once the only grandchild has meant they don't always gel well together as my nephew felt threatened and my two can be feral at a family easter egg hunt. I can imagine of you have lots of family or friends with children, you want them to be friends, but it might be tricky to integrate them if they are the same age, whereas if there is a significant age gap its easier for everyone to look kindly on "the baby" of the group. Alternatively,similar ages can provide fellowship when you are all in the trenches together, and it's not like you are 3 or 4 years "out".

For example, I found it personally socially harder to integrate into my older sons nursery circle because they had been going since September and had already cliqued up. He was also too old for most of the stay and plays and rhyme times, which meant i was effectively on my own with a 3.5 year old trying to entertain him. Museum stuff started at 5 years old, so it was a funny old age. He had also been to nursery prior to being with us, so we got to observe him there and that has been invaluable. However, he did have another thing to grieve the loss of, and it was a major factor in us putting him in nursery earlier in placement than is typical, because he was used to and needed that level of stimulation.

My younger one started nursery at the appropriate time, and got the most out of the local stay and plays because they were for his age range, so I made some more friends/contacts through that.

However, childcare costs are an absolute killer, and can seriously impact your earning potential. An older child will go into school and you are paying mainly for wraparound care.

Its also worth thinking about what ages are you interested in. I don't mind babies, but I'm not all gooey eyed for them, and my siblings and cousins provide plenty of nieces and nephews where I can get baby snuggles if I want. My two came walking and just about talking. I really enjoyed looking stuff up I thought they would like and felt it was a big achievement when they did indeed like it, and I could basically use my adoption leave to take them on days out and do cute stuff with them (between the meltdowns!)

However, longer term its worth considering something that our therapist told us- if it happened to them pre verbally, it needs to be processed non verbally. An older child may have been exposed to more stuff they need to process, but may have already started that in FC. A younger child is less able to communicate their needs so it can feel you are sometimes less able to meet them.i know when our two year old came, he was on the cusp of speaking, but he could understand loads of stuff. His frustration was palpable that he didn't have the language to express or explore any of the things he was experiencing. Our 3 year old could be told stuff and retain it because he could use language to organise his experiences and retell his narrative. It's going to be traumatic to move to your care, but their capacity to understand and process it makes a big difference. The youngest that we adopted at 2 has few of his own conscious memories of FC (obviously the body keeps the score etc) so he is dependent on us providing that narrative framework for him. The eldest we adopted at 3 does have conscious memories of his own, and has his own narrative that we are still unpicking and clarifying for him. He has a lot of wishful thinking, and we have found it helpful to differentiate between babyhood, toddlerhood and childhood.

Also, with an older child, you might need more consent- you won't be able to count on doing stuff like changing their nappy or hand feeding them to build the level of parental dependence, so you might need to consider how to be intentional about building that in other ways. It can possibly mean a more equal relationship between parent and child, but a still rewarding one nevertheless. It might mean in some ways parenting a bit more outside of typical ways, even for adoption, though. Older children have more agency, so can both be reasoned with but also are less easy to control- a 2 year old kicking off in a super market is relatively typical, but you can pick them up and show them something shiny to diatract them. A 5 year old can be still picked up and moved on/distracted but it is harder and they definitely remember the next time you are in Asda!

You might want to think about what support networks are available professionally- we have an excellent children's centre near us but they only go up to 5. They are expanding family hubs furrher afield that aim to provide a similar service to up to 18, but I don't know if it will provide the same level of wraparound support to the same level as it is new. A 6 year old might miss out on this, or even a 4 year old, as provision takes time to put in place.

As many others have said, an older child might have more challenges be known, and have their personality formed a little more. Depending on what you think of as older really, but we only started to see our youngest's diva personality truly show just before he turned 3. It's been a blessing to watch it unfold, when we wouldnt have necessarily have been had i been back at work, but also to have been able to be present to shape some of it was great.

You do miss put on some stuff, but there are also plenty of firsts. You might not see their first steps, but you will see their first steps towards you when they need you. You might not hear their first words, but you will hear the first time they call you mum.

Parenting makes you greedy for every part of your child's life, and if you adopt an older child then there may well be a part of you that forever mourns and grieves those first years because you just want and love them so hard that you wish you had every moment. But then again, it is those years that mean your child is who they are, and are such an intrinsic part of them that it is mixed up in a true acceptance and love for who they truly are.

No matter what age the child is, you are essentially going to start living with a stranger, and they are going to be living with a stranger too. Their one and only job is to try and survive, whereas yours is to try and survive yourself, but also meet as many of their needs as you possibly can whilst also trying to enjoy the process a bit. The age and abilities of the child or children is a factor in this, because yes you will grow with them- the parent of a single newborn baby is not necessarily the same as the parent of a single 6 year old. You might morph from one to the other, but it is OK to say that, given the choice, you might actually be better suited to jumping into parenting a 4, 5 or 6 year old because you can do more stuff with them, reason with them, are happy to do things differently, or just that you vibed with their personalities at a stay and play and think they are the special kind of little person you could spend lots of time with and parent well. It's also OK to think that actually it's important to you that you get to have as many of those experiences in your child's early life because you are greedy for every moment and want to drink it all up.

We found going to stay and plays really helped- there were some kids on paper who were perfect for us, and when we got there we both just didn't click with them. There were definitely others who on paper didn't meet what we thought we wanted but we completely vibed with, and I could have imagined bringing them home.

As you say, it is complicated and personal, but also intermingled with lots of other factors that interrelate. The above are just some ideas to consider, and may or may not be relevant to your situation, so feel free to disregard what doesn't apply!

We said 0-7 with one having at least 6 months before starting school.
We ended up with a 2.5 (with 2.5yrs before school) and a very nearly 8.

Our main criteria was 'should be expected to attend mainstream school and live independently as an Adult'.

I chose 3-7 because I knew I wanted older children. There were a few reasons for this, I had never needed to parent a baby, I knew I wanted to go back to some form of work and so school age or nearly school aged felt a better fit, I wanted children I could communicate with and who could tell me what they needed. I also felt very able to meet the needs of older children with a trauma history.

My two were 4 and 6 when placed, though both presented as much younger developmentally. Their development has been much as we expected and 7 years later they have mostly secure attachments in the family.

Thank you all, there’s so much to consider!

We know that one of the factors in choosing a young age bracket was not only that we would like to experience parenting this age but also would love to have those ‘firsts’ however like you said @Torvy

‘’You do miss out on some stuff, but there are also plenty of firsts. You might not see their first steps, but you will see their first steps towards you when they need you. You might not hear their first words, but you will hear the first time they call you mum.’’
I didn’t actually think of this in that way!

Also, like yous have said, the presenting younger developmentally gives us something to consider given that going a bit above our preferred age range could still give us those similar experiences that we would like to have within the younger age bracket. Obviously I know this isn’t in all cases.

There are also things like the getting to experience them at a nice age to do things while off on leave that makes the going slightly older appealing also.

We were asked did we want 0-1 or 0-2 or would we consider an bit older, we have said 0-2 but your comments have defo gave us food for thought!

Oh doing stuff on adoption leave with a 3 year old is cool for sure. We did all sorts of bits and pieces that I would have found a bit daft if I had only had a baby with me. We got loads of stuff ticked off the bucket list, and if you want firsts, goodness me- first farm, first haircut, first beach, first zoo, first aquarium, first snow angel, first walk across a big bridge.... loads of em ticked off and we go to hear them talk about it too, which was great!

With a just 2 year old we still had lots of nappies, dummies, bathing and rocking etc. Both of ours have periods of regression where we get to do baby stuff with them and play babies too, and they only do it with us not everyone else, which helped us all to make sure we didn't miss out on anything.

I'm not saying stretch it too far, and definitely hold your ground with social workers if they pressure you, but don't dismiss any age out of hand if you are open to different ideas. It is a big decision and hard to make. Sometimes you take a bit of a "gamble"- do you take a baby whose needs are not known, or a toddler/child whose needs are clearer but for whom you don't have all information. But I say gamble like you could "lose"- and you can't really because it isn't a game and your kid ends up just being your kid- all the others we considered just faded away and we deal with our own challenges on their own merits with guidance from those who have similar experiences. It's not like you bump into the other children regularly and have a "see how it could have been" situation, occasionally when you are on your knees with exhaustion you might wonder why you ever decided to bring any child into your life because right now you would give a lot to not have to clear up another round of vomit, poo or snot, but that's to be expected on some levels. I hope that makes sense- the stakes feel so high because the burden of choice feels heavy. But it can be reassuring to know that once it has been made, it is lightened considerably because thats just the way it is and you roll with it.

We went for 0-2 as I was so convinced I would bond easier with a baby and like you I didn’t want to miss out. He was 18 months when he came home - so older than I’d secretly initially hoped for.
To be fair I am enjoying him much more now that he is almost three than I did during those younger days and find it much easier to bond with him now
we can communicate properly. So on reflection I’m not sure that what I thought I wanted was actually what I really needed if that makes sense.
i do remember it feeling like a massive deal though making these decisions during the approval process, so good luck to you x

We went with siblings under 4 as our preferred and approved for. Ended up adopting one 23 month old boy. Honestly, I really wanted under 1 as I knew we’d probably only do this process once and wanted to experience everything but when our son’s match came our way it was all just too perfect to say no too. I look back now he’s 5 and realise he was actually tiny!

Also relate to the PP about firsts. We have (and still do have) so many firsts that, although aren’t considered ‘the big ones’ have still reduced me to tears. The first time he laughed with us, our first holiday, the first joke he told, the first time he read a book, the first time he got dressed himself, the first time he got himself a drink, the first time he got excited to see my parents, the first time he wanted me when he’d fallen over, the first time he said ‘I love you, Mummy,’, his first school uniform, his first day of school. Honestly, there is so many!

We bought a birthday book and a Christmas book. The birthday book asks the same questions every year and we record them - that’s fab for noting down how much he’s changed. Also the Christmas and writing down what we did for Christmas. It is lovely to look back on!

Thank yous so much! It does feel like a massive decision to make and especially now we are at the stage of focusing on it we are really feeling it and being able to provide an answer to why we chose that age is hard to put into words! All of your answers have given us so much more to consider and discuss, and your answers have helped massively with things we hadn’t thought of in the way you have put it. It’s invaluable having insight from people that can relate and especially being at your stage to provide insight from your prospective of having been through it and have your children, if that makes sense lol

@GracieHC really relate to what you have said about the age you wanted and for the bonding etc so it’s really interesting to see how the bonding is actually easier now that he can talk, that does make sense!

@Noimaginationforaun defo stealing that book idea for Christmas and birthday, I LOVE that! I have thought that I’d like 0-2 but id be ok with a bit older if a profile come along that is slightly older and I felt actually this is a good fit so nice to see that you were in that position and
taking that bit older can still look back and say actually he was still really tiny!

My 2.5yo was a big baby when she came as was globally developmentally delayed. On 3 bottles of milk, still in nappies, unsteady in feet, only just linking words, and in size 18month clothes.

so just outside our age range but within where I have thought I would go up to should it feel right and still experiencing those younger stages I would like to experience. This has definitely made me consider that a bit older doesn’t mean I’d miss out on certain things or stages.

Im just realising how I’m writing might sound very selfish that I want to experience these things even if it’s at the expense of the child’s development, I hope I’m not coming off that way! I’m honestly not coming from that angle I’m just discussing those things Im considering I would like to experience when trying to choose the age range, and how that age range defo isn’t all that should be considered.

I would also consider that age if it came along and child was where they should be at that stage too!

Im just realising how I’m writing might sound very selfish that I want to experience these things even if it’s at the expense of the child’s development,

I don’t think it’s selfish to have ideas of what you hope to experience as a parent, for some people the very early milestones feel important, for others having a child they can talk with matters, other people think older children come with fewer uncertainties. Your hopes for yourself won’t impact a prospective child’s development - just be aware that there’s often so much unknown about children in care that even if it all looks good on paper, the reality of a particular child might be very different.

The reality is there are so many unknowns in adoption - I remember a good friend (also a sw) telling me that it’s hard enough so look for the match that will be a straightforward as possible, that fits your hopes and dreams of parenthood as much as possible.

Thank you @Jellycatspyjamas

Yes, there’s so much that can be unknown and also things what can only become apparent as they grow, another layer of consideration!

Thats really good advice from your friend too and makes a lot of sense! I’ll defo consider this advice during our matching stage!

Our approval panel is only a matter of weeks away now so all going well at that we will be heading into that next phase soon!

Hi @newbsie

The biggest thing I learnt in matching was to look at the individual child.

When I started out I really had no fixed ideas other than 'school age' as I'm single so work was an issue and I don't much like babies.
As things progressed I thought the last thing I could cope with was a 8 year old boy with ASD.
Who came home ? A 7 year old boy with ASD.
I realised I knew very little about ASD in the real world. Once I started looking past the diagnosis and how it presents in the individual child, things were a lot clearer for me.
He was probably a bit older than I imagined but as others have said he was functioning at a younger age.

He was just the right child for me. It's not been without challenges. But he is nearly 20 and at university doing very well for himself
Keep an open mind

@Ted27 thank you!

Thats fab well done him! And you lol! Definitely shows we should always keep an open mind and not pre judge!

Ive been thinking on this and have some things to add -

• my DD is currently nearly 4 but still in nappies & bottle milk drinking, very much a baby. Even my older ones age 10 & 8 like being babies alot and need their cuddles alot. May be something to think about, dont know if its all kids though!
• Not sleeping is exhausting, it was horrendous that they are up all night for me like 10 years ago but now in my 40s I struggle even more with the lack of sleep. Lack of sleep is really tough so the older they are the less years of being up in the night maybe?
• And yes to Teds point about the individual not the diagnosis. Its such a massive spectrum & all will present differently so only use as guide.

Thank you @tonyhawks23 !

I’m really thinking now after speaking with you all that I’m putting pressure on myself and overthinking the age bracket part of this.

I was taking this step as separate decisions to make as in age, background/circumstances , medical info etc etc. I was thinking age was the first on that list that I should decide and from there explore the rest. Now I’m thinking age isn’t just as important because as you say, that doesn’t actually determine anything given a lot of children will present differently to their chronological age. We will have to give an indication of age and I think we have settled on what that will be now but I’m really feeling less pressured on deciding that part now and am starting to realise that I will know when the right fit for us comes our way regardless of what I’ve started out thinking I might want!

Also really appreciate your comment on agreeing with ted and the diagnosis, something we will defo keep in mind and consider if there is anything we are presented with for any future matches!
As well as the sleep lol I’m fully expecting to struggle with sleepless nights which I know will come… again, regardless of age lol I’m not sure I’ll sleep the first while their here even if they do lol

I’ll say it again… all your input is invaluable it’s been amazing having advice from people that get it and have knowledge of everything I need to consider / know! It’s difficult when you don’t have anyone that’s been through this that you can bounce things off lol we really appreciate the time you have all taken to respond to us to help us!