Eating with hands

[Nel81]

Hi, I think I've asked before but I can't find it now so apologies if this has already been asked. I have a 5.5 year old son. He came home almost two years ago (July) and he ate with his hands, including 'wet' foods eg yoghurt,jelly etc. I thought he'd have outgrown it by now but he's still doing it. I've spoken to a psychologist and a post adoption support worker about it (and other things) and they both say that that's the stage he's at (baby led weaning) and if we think of him as a toddler, it wouldn't be an issue. I can cope with it at home and to some extent while we're out, family members cannot. He's 5 and is wearing 6-7 clothes so, although I know it's stage not age, others don't and I worry that someone will say something to us or judge him for doing this now. Any tips gratefully received x

No knowledge on this area really, but I would be inclined to go at his pace with good modelling shown: ‘good use of your fork Daddy!’ I’ve read touching, smelling, feeling food is instinctive, it’s what we would do to check it’s not going to harm us and it’s probably making him feel a little in control.

I get the going out for meals though, I’m glad we did it with our two, they are great in restaurants now, but if he’s not ready for cutlery, how about going for pizza instead? Where he can get used to the environment but there’s no pressure.

when our two first came to us, they massively controlled food and it did get quite upsetting - because it’s one of the big ways you can nurture your child. I was told by other adopters to let it go, and we did eventually, but I get it and it was hard.

If family members fail to understand - then I would refrain from going out with them for the time being. They are the adults, he is a child. Maybe have some sharp one liners ready if anyone comments.

All the best with it, it will sort itself at some point.

Could this be sensory seeking behaviour, in that he really enjoys the feeling of food on his hands? Does he get plenty of sensory play activities, of this type (gloop, play dough, water, sand) to help satisfy that need?

And second question is how are his fine motor skills with other tasks:doing buttons, threading beads, holding a pencil, etc. Is this something to work on? If it's a question of underdeveloped fine motor skills will he accept you spoon feeding him? If so, I would opt for that when you're out in order to minimise mess. It helps with attachment too.

After two years with you and being 5 and a half, I wonder if he will just outgrow it or if there is something else at play. I would think along the lines of sensory processing problems/ sensory seeking and make sure he has lots of sensory input. Does he have occupational therapy?

Oh goodness, eating out with relatives amd kids who have food issues is totally a pain if they don't get it. Who cares how a five year old eats? Honestly.

I would be inclined to be ordering chicken nuggets and chips when they go out to be honest! You can get specialist cutlery for kids who struggle to hold a knife and fork though, and if he can't at all, I would say same as pps, that it might be sensory or ability.

You can get cool digger cutlery (literally shaped like a digger lol) and glittery ones that might encourage him, and you can practice with stuff at playtime. Can he scoop dry rice etc? The novelty .might help.

On a side note, I always think its interesting when psychologists say it is just their stage, because I think they can forget how socially excluding for children it can be to not do certain things at the right age. I know that we want to try and teach ours it before he really starts on school dinners for example because otherwise other kids can be really mean. I'm of the opinion that some things can be done in the privacy of your own home, and if they insist on eating beans with their fingers at home to fulfil a need, so be it, but if at all possible, I also feel they should have the option and capacity to eat properly too it if they want to, and for that it requires that we put some conscious effort into teaching and rewarding that if it is something important to you (which it is for us!) if you see what I mean. How does he feel about it? Does he want to eat with a knife and fork and is struggling? Or is he just relishing the baby stage?

I would be keen to ask whether the professionals thought he had the capacity to do it, and if so, how long should it take him to acquire the skills. Pin them down to a specific time frame- alright, if it is OK when he is 5, how about 6? Should you send in another letter if he hasn't learned it by 7? Because if he si.ply cannot physically do it, he should have accommodations being made like special cutlery etc and real in roads being made to find out what is going on. if he does have the capacity and is choosing, then there needs to be a discussion with people (professionals, family, OH etc) about increasing expectations gradually to fit where you are all comfortable.

I say all this as the mother of a kid who sometimes won't even sit at tables in public at the moment, let alone eat. Let alone eat with cutlery! We do expect it at home though, and he is working towards goals, just very slowly. I would be more inclined to flip it and say the expectation is always attempting to use cutlery when at home eating wet food (so you can support and clean up mess) but with fingers outside the home for now because who needs the stress of making kid implement a new skill in front of an audience lol.

Just adding as I absolutely agree with everything already posted.

Are there any other significant delays? How's his language/communication and fine motor skills? How well does he relate to you and others? Is he aware that he is eating differently to others? Does he observe/copy you/his peers with other things? If you try and encourage him using cutlery what happens? Can he mark-make/hold crayons etc?

I agree with PP when you are out make easier food choices for him, eg sandwiches, carrot sticks etc. It's crappy feeling self-conscious and judged so make it easier for yourselves. It seems socially acceptable/cool (my mother would be turning in her grave!) for primary child to eat cheese-strings/yogurt in squeezy tubes or fruit pooches so give him those.

Does he want to be babied? My AD is delayed and so I fed her like a baby, soft foods and with a spoon when she first was placed with me, even though she could eat with her hands. I needed to show her how it was done. I also ate my dinner (we ate the same thing) sitting facing her Highchair so she could really see how I was eating and using either my hands or the cutlery. Her toddler cutlery was always there for her to use and now after a few months she will use it independently, if I remind her, because she would always use her hands with no prompting. I didn't think she would because she was showing no signs of being capable, but she enjoys mealtimes, and has obviously been observing me. Nursery helps as all the children sit and eat together.

As already said at home can you set up lots of sensory activities? Is he sensory seeking? Can he help prepare foods with you? That might satisfy his sensory seeking & curiosity about the food/tastes and textures and how they relate to each other. I would cook and bake together - let him get mucky and explore the tastes and textures and then eat what you have made at the table with cutlery, enforcing the difference between the two activities in a low pressure way.

So my ds 10 prefers to use hands and will do so even for gravy potatoes.he naturally chooses finger food like pizza and chips in a restaurant and has packed lunches in school so it's not been a problem.hes very sensory and weve kind of not focused on it as a big deal as we'd far rather have meal times and eating as a positive thing.many cultures eat with hands. i would think not to worry too much just to model it,provide cutlery and encourage but dont make a big deal of it with them.then entirely separate to meal times practice skills that may help,play cafes with cutlery,play with spoons in a mud kitchen type thing,enable sensory play for hands like mud or playdo etc,play that party game with a chocolate bar and clothes and knife and fork if you knie the one i mean?like try to get the skills with playtime? Maybe an idea?
I'm sorry that the family are making it a thing for you and I'd work on changing that,just ordering him finger food and not making it a big deal,5 is tiny he can't be expected perfect restaurant behaviour at 5.if he wants to choose spaghetti or something can just say it's too messy in this restaurant and say he can choose chips?would that work?

My 8 year old is like this although will use a spoon for yoghurt, etc. School peer pressure means she can now scoop with a fork if she has to but hands are the preferred method. All food has to be cut up for her as she can't use a knife. Any pressure from us to use cutlery results in her refusing to eat at all. We're waiting to see an OT. She is stuck at the toddler stage in many ways including sleep and response to being told no/not getting her own way. We expect everyone to accept her as she is or they don't see us. Fortunately she is cute, petite and engaging so mostly it's a non issue.

Thank you all for your replies. There are definitely sensory issues at play as well, loves water, sand play dog etc so I will increase the access he has to things like that but he also has toddler like responses to things like being told no, retreats to a 'baby voice' when anxious, has ASD traits too so there's a lot to unpick. He can use a fork at school ( they remove his knife after they've cut his food due to an earlier incident)