Blocked care: 10 years into sibling adoption, still so hard

[SinceISawYouLast]

If anyone remans from old AUK forum - hello from the crumbling remains of ApplePrincess! I've typed several messages and deleted them at I know not everyone on here is from the adoption world and the words seem harsh in black and white, but I've found my way to this forum and I need you.

But it's so hard trying to be his mum when he tries so hard to make himself so unlikeable to me. I no longer expect to feel love for the elder one, not like I imagined it, not like I love the very bones of the other one who arrived the same day. But I hate the constant resentment and bullying I get, simply because I get to try to play the role of 'female parent' in his life and he quite rightly hates the first women who had the role. He literally would treat no one else on Earth the way that he treats me, his female parent, so no one else sees firsthand what I have take from him.

So I try and let things go, take the easier path, pick my battles. Parent therapeutically, with all the theory and advice we can get our hands on. Advocate constantly at appointments, take annual leave from work to spend days filling in form after form while he's out the house.

It's so much harder in the school holiday to avoid conflict, to keep busy in another room, ignore the goading. Holiday clubs provide a little respite, and a few hours when I can work and feel like a productive and respected human, but his chronological age is restricting the options every term as he gets 'too old' on paper for things he's emotionally capable of accessing.

We now have no one able to babysit even for an evening due to the children's previous behaviour to my nearly 80yo parents, but also the fear of the fallout we have to endure from the children in the days afterwards, it's like a punishment for trying to go out one evening a year. I imagine this is a common adopt thing.

A recent diagnosis means lots of help at school but his exceptional masking skills mean that it's lonely as no one sees what this household goes through, what his sibling goes through, what the poor woman trying to be his mum goes through as well as my amazing but exhausted husband.

It's not fair that he didn't get the start he deserves in life and I would give anything to change it for him. I know the history, the theory, the trauma bonds, the sibling resentment, the ASD filter colouring everything for him. I know why he hates mums, but how can I help him start to accept love?

Does it ever get better?

@SinceISawYouLast

Oh bless you, you sound completely burnt out.
I was on adoptionuk. We are 12 years along now and doing OK, my boy is at uni but we had a very tough time in his mid teens and I remember the blocked care years very well.
A bit different but I now foster and my fosterling puts me through hell. Although he is equally badly behaved at school.
I have no real advice, just offering solidarity and a shoulder to lean on. But I wonder if you have had any therapeutic input for him?

@SinceISawYouLast I am so sorry this sounds so hard.

I have a birth child aged 19 and an adopted son aged 13 who is currently school refusing.

I was not adoption UK.

Can I ask roughly how old the kids are?

Also, I wonder if you have had any looking into ADHD or foetal alcohol syndrome?

I am so sorry things are so tough.

Oh that sounds so hard OP. No advice here as we are behind you in time (only 2 years in) just hugs, lots of hugs.

Another hand hold from me. It sounds like you are doing all you can at the moment, and it's really rough going. We only have littles at home, but I worked with teens and know they can be absolutely relentless. They have an adult capacity to inflict hurt and a child's ability to reign it in, doubly so when trauma is involved.

Not having respite is really tough too. Is there any way he might be eligible for some residential summer camps? I know some places do them free for vulnerable kids through youth outreach (if you are london based I've heard Charlton Athletics does some stuff), or maybe you could try and get him to join scouts, army cadets or something that has built in residentials/pack holidays? That might give you some time back to look forward to, and it sounds awful but if he cam mask at school, he may well be able to mask long enough at an organisation to manage it.

Do you have any support? Something like reaching out to NATP or AUK for parent support groups, or anyone from your adoption prep group to be a listening ear in person? I'm assuming you have joined the potato group on FB ( I've not joined yet as the teen years are yet to come for us, but I've heard good things about it).

Could ASF support with filial therapy for the sibling dynamic? It's so hard when you have to worry about one child being the victim of the other one, and it can feel quite socially isolating to admit how bad that can get. It depends on whether he would access it, but it might help in the long run, especially if that is the cause of some of his distress.

Are school able to shed any light on why he says he feels this way, or what the problems are? What support are they able to offer him?

I can't say whether it gets better because I'm not there yet, but I hope it does improve a bit for you. It is a hard gig, and teenage years are so tricky.

Hiya.
I'm not a AUK either but just wanted to send some support and a well needed virtual hug 🤗.
I'm 6 years in with a now 8 year old and we have had our issues with lots of frustration,anger , resentment and like you said punishment if we go out although this has improved hugely in the last 6 months however he will only stay with my parents no one else.
I presume that he's a teenager so there's all the extra raging hormones to throw into the mix too.
Are they biological siblings? I'm just trying to think all though we are all different to our siblings biology or adoption in adopting terms did they both suffer the same early trauma? As you have said you feel different about them both.
You sound like you need some support from everyone. Apart from your parents do you have a friend or relatives just to rant and rave too as getting stuff off your chest helps!
Do you have enough support at school? Is there anything that they can do to help?
Do you have support from your husband are you on the same wavelength? As I find myself and my hubby differ in our parenting and a child will notice this and can use to advantage, what is the relationship like between them?

I really hope that you get some support and hopefully some words of wisdom from some lovely people on here too.

Thank you all for your messages. Eldest is 13, full sibling is 11. Had diagnosis for eldest: ASD, ADHD, FAS, hyper mobile, sensory issues/lack of sensation, S&L delay and a few more conditions. He has it so stacked against him and puberty was late coming but has hit him hard and dialled everything up.

There's talk of therapy from LA post adoption but every little step seems to take 6 months. We begged for assessment process in Jan 2021 and still no support despite diagnosis, and nothing for younger yet as we're back at the start of trying to get support.

Family hear our woes but are just sad for us that we didn't get the home life they imagined for us. Which isn't helpful to keep going over, so easier to avoid the subject. They try to have the children for the odd hour whenever they can, but I can see they're too physically demanding for my poor parents who both have mobility problems. And we have the fallout from leaving them which is often hard.

Getting the diagnosis helped the wider family understand as they can research ASD or whatever but didn't really understand attachment difficulties or know how to support with trauma related issues so that's an unexpected positive from the diagnosis.

Thanks all, let's just keep on keeping on.

Oh, and I ready in a book last week: 'We didn't get this far to ONLY get this far' and I'm trying so hard to keep hold of that!

This is so hard.

Everything does take a long time.

I hope your efforts will pay off.

We are hoping to start some counselling for our 13 year old adopted son.

We are accessing the post adoption fund to pay for it.

I really hope you will get the help you need.