This sounds really difficult, and it feels especially worrying about the social stuff. We have had experiences of being "that" child, with hitting and spitting other children.
I've got plenty of things that we have trialled, some worked some didn't, but I'll list them all in case you can get something from it.
Do you know what he is anxious about?
- ours had separation issues, although it didn't look like it on the surface. We found drawing a heart (or depending on your artistic skills, spiderman, star, paw patrol character) on his wrist and then one on our wrist helped him to remember we existed in school and that we were coming back. That's a classic, but it got us over a difficult hump.
- giving gifts or taking things into teacher- we take donations in regularly of materials for nursery and he brings stuff out, we think so that he can make sure they still exist for him and he has a reason to come back. He brings out random small toys from nursery, then gives them to me, I collect them all in our nursery treasures bag and give them back at the end of the week. In return, nursery gets random old rolling pins, cardboard tubes, net curtains, bottles of paint etc. He feels important bringing it in for nursery.
- are there any sensory issues? Would mandated sensory circuits in the morning at at school regulate him? We found this was a game changer at home- we can often tell when he hasn't done it at school. Would ear defenders or chewellery help during the day?
-how do school prepare him for the transition home? Could they do a social story with him? Take him to one side and give him a reminder and let him point at stories? Could you give them a book of pictures of you and the house for them to read to him before tidy up time? (So he doesn't get out of tidy up time lol). It sounds like he struggles with this element of transition.
- in school, could the teacher give him an item to carry and then be away for increasingly long set periods of time? Like oh, Jimmy, I really need someone to look after my rubber for a moment whilst I do this job, I will come back when the timer goes off.
- speak to the teacher about everyone using kind words- he shouldn't have to hear other children saying that about him. It isn't kind at all. They don't have to play with him but they can't call him awful.
- a later start time (coming in after the morning queue) and being one of the last in line to collect meant that the stress of being observed during difficult transition times was reduced (for me at least, he doesn't care! But it means we have fewer unkind comments to hear and interactions outside of school are limited)
- social stories and pictures of nursery and teachers helped ours at home. We had a (laminated!) booklet made by the school to help him realise we knew about nursery stuff and vice versa.
- very specific routines after school- like a packet of crisps every day as you walk put the gate, toast when you get in, something very predictable so that they know what is going to happen.
- at the risk of sounding too old fashioned, can you literally exercise it out? As in bundle him out to the park, on a walk as soon as he gets in? Destructive and difficult behaviours seem less bad in a park I usually find!
- get the school to do an abc chart with him to try and work out what triggers it. Is it sharing toys? Always happening just before lunch? With a particular child? Put the onus on them to do some preventative reflection and spot the patterns in school, then ask for a 2 week review to see the paperwork. What do nursery say about why they think he is doing it? We worked out that sharing is a trigger for mine, and strategies that help them with this work. So for example they ask the grown up for a timer to be put on and then they wait until the timer has gone off tonask for the toy again.
-a visual timetable for collection and what you will do after school each day, and maybe a novel treat might be a positive thing. I got some mini packs of playdough, a bouncy ball, stuff I kept from party bags in my pocket to entice them and provide an element of novelty
- at this point could you ask for help from the senco - what referrals have they made? If none, I would be asking why not, he is clearly struggling, and if they say wait and see, they should be doing a plan do review for 12 weeks, then giving more detail. I would be asking for a community paediatric referral, camhs referral and salt referral based on everything you have said, and then separately seeking support from post adoption support.
- the impulse control is a killer because it feels so unpredictable. To me, it feels likes your nerves are shattered because you are always either anticipating, dealing with or recovering from the last thing and then you just feel so frayed and worn out. We found that at home regular scheduled small rewards (tv of choice in the morning, Nutella on toast for breakfast, one haribo before we leave for school, getting to ride bikes to nursery) that can be reminded when he is about to throw works- so you see him lift his hand and say the single word "sweets?!" Or "bike?!" As though you can't believe he has forgotten that if he throws or hits he will not get it. It's hell the first few time you have to follow through, but when he is about to tip a whole chair down the stairs or is about to lob a cup across the kitchen, it's better than the alternative!
- just a thought, but my two are aggy as I don't know what when they need the loo because they dont always connect the discomfort with using the loo and are just cross with everything until they go. We build in toilet times regularly. Is there any physical reason he could find stuff hard? Like labels on jumpers, shoes that don't fit? Going into school with knee high welly socks helps ours sometimes because they like the feeling of it.
Try not to let yourself get too overwhelmed. The nursery and school run is tricky because it's so public and unstructured and everyone always has a comment. If there is any leeway in an earlier or later pick up, that might help you feel less stressed about it, I know for sure just be delaying our drop off so that I'm not lining up with other parents at the start of the day makes my life so much easier.
In terms of social groups, kids will be mean, but they also change quite quickly. We had to stop going to our local park after school because our boys are too loud and physical for the nice quiet girls in white socks who want to play with their dolls and whose mums sit around gossiping about them, and so we go to the adventure playgrounds that tend to have a different, more robust clientele. Limiting their school friend interactions outside of school time spunds horrible, but has meant that they value their school time more, and there are fewer issues in school because there are fewer issues in the community. Instead we do other stuff like walks, going to the allotment, parks further away, stuff like that. We occasionally have playdates with selected other children whose mums I like and, most importantly, either have kids who match the energy of mine or who older more robust children who just shake it off. That's not possible all the time, but encouraging those friendships makes him more successful at school because I know the other parent is cool with it.
Good luck, and try not to let it get on top of you. I would say thank goodness it's Friday but then that probably means you have a whole weekend of nonsense ahead of you if you are anything like me, so I shall just say try to get them into bed as early as possible and break out the good biscuits tonight!