A bit of positivity please??

[MrsT8509]

Hello!!

My husband and I are just approaching the end of stage one, and fingers crossed, will be moved to stage two 🤞🏻🤞🏻 Whilst we are under no illusion that it isn't all going to be a bed of roses, and it will be the biggest most exciting/difficult/amazing time of our lives, we are really really struggling to find some positive stories! It's all how hard it is parenting adopted children. It all just seems so negative. We're going into this with our eyes wide open, and are ready to embrace parebthood, however that will be for us, but i was just looking for some reassurance i suppose, that there are amazing times, happy times, and you wouldn't change the decision you made for anything. Thankyou! Oh, and Happy Mother's Day 🌷💕

We are nearly 17 years in with our 2 adopted children. Yes it has been hard, yes it continues to be hard even though they are both late teens however I love them fiercely.
I have fought for both of them relentlessly for the last 17 years, it has, truth be told, taken a lot out of me and has changed me as a person. At times I do wonder how much simpler my life would have been if we hadn't made the decision to adopt however they have enriched our lives beyond measure, they are funny, good company, very loving (when they are not disliking me!!) As I said to someone recently they bring me joy and pain in equal measure but that, as far as I am concerned, is what I signed up for nearly 17 years ago.
I can't say it will be a bed of roses, there will be challenges and unexpected bumps in the road but we rise up and meet those challenges knowing it is our job to nurture, protect and care for the children we have brought into our lives. And when they presented me with my mother's day cards this morning I couldn't have felt more love for them if I tried.

There are amazing times, happy times, and we wouldn't change the decision we made for anything. There’s been heartbreak, difficult times, tears, but there is also two loving, thoughtful, beautiful girls who make r lives fun and playful and full of love

I have a birth son and an adopted son. They both drive me insane and make me
proud. They both make me want to scream and make me laugh. Parenthood is not easy full stop. From our personal experience, adoptive parenthood hasn’t added any emotions that we didn’t already have from being birth parents. I know many don’t share our experience though. X

I always feel a bit guilty and mostly hesitate to post as I know others have it so hard, but for me it has been pure joy and an absolute dream.

We are 8 years in and dd is the kindest most loving, generous and thoughtful child I have ever met. There have been no dramas, toddlerhood was a breeze and she is fad easier than most of my friends birth children. She may be saving it all up for her teenage years but parenting her has been the privilege of my life and I have enjoyed every moment.

It’s so hard, but also so much fun and I wouldn’t change any of it. I’ve found that parenting my DS hasn’t been hard, fighting for what he needs is what has been hard. Being his mum is the best thing in the world, even on the hard days.

I'm a decade in as a foster carer (currently in stage one of adoption). Caring for children with adverse life experiences is hard and challenging however it is rewarding too. My advice is study attachment theory, therapeutic parenting and see behaviour as a communication tool. The better informed you are the more you will manage the tougher times. Enjoy the journey and be positive. X

@Emog21 wonderfully put.

We are 10 years in with 2 boys, I have cried and laughed in equal measures, am a very different person to 10 years ago. If I look back on our support network we had to put in our PAR it looks very different now. We have lost touch with some friends, but we have made some incredible friendships over the last 10 years for which we are hugely grateful.

It's good and it's hard. But I love them both, my adopted child and my birth child. I think it's completely worth it.

There is a thread somewhere on the adoption board called “Good news”. It is all the little and big moments that matter in adoptive parent.

i am both a birth parent and adoptive parent. Birth parents complain all the time too! If you spend a bit of time on other parts of the website, you will see that. Parenting is hard. It’s all consuming. Parenting an adopted child just has a few of extra layers of complexity (trauma, attachment, life story, others perception etc). But I love being a parent to both my children. It’s hard work, it’s brought me to my breaking point on my than one occasion but i would do it all again. Ask any parent (adoptive or birth) and they will say the same. Are you ready to take the plunge? Your life will never be the same again!

Some nice positive ones to watch are mama Molly adopt and Aimee vlog in YouTube,that helped me counteract the negative stories.

I’m still in the early days but I wouldn’t change a thing. It’s exhausting but so rewarding and I love him to bits.

I've named changed for this post.

I'm only 6 months in.
Solo parent, no help/relatives locally.
AD is now 2.

The process was difficult, I found the delays very tough and the sacrifices in terms of it becoming very dominant in my life as it ruled so many decisions I made for the years before the official application and the 2 or so years it took because of LA delays.
That was incredibly tough for me personally because I thrive on change and development and I wasn't able to that with freedom for about 5 years in other areas of my life so I felt I was stagnating.

I also wasn't desperate to adopt a child, as in I really enjoyed the benefits of being childless, but I also thought I would be able to parent a child well. I thought it might give me the purpose in life I was looking for, but also very aware how badly it could end up.

So double whammy of long & frustrating process and not actual very confidence it was the right thing to be trying to achieve!

My AD is quite delayed. Only started walking at 23 months. Only says a few single words. Quite withdrawn/frozen.
Me: absolutely faking every second while getting not much back.
Struggling with the loss of pretty much everything of my old life. Struggling with illnesses/lower immune system because of stressful things happening outside of the adoption.
Struggling to get to gripes with how the NHS does (doesn't) work as she needs help and I've not really had to use the NHS much for myself.

But she's an incredible child. She's very beautiful and has a lovely energy.
She's opening up to me and I don't feel the outside world would question that she wasn't my birth child now because her attachment to me is obvious now. We look like we belong together (mostly the matching un-brushed hair and shit dress-sense )
She enjoys life with me, we are living very simply at the moment (more for me than her) but she gets so much pleasure from just pottering around with me. She eats everything (I have a very different diet to what she is used to) and sleeps like a dream (I maybe get up in the night once a month because she's upset/wet/ill) other than that she sleeps through so no challenges there.

There's been no rejection of me, we see the FCs (they had her since birth and are lovely) every now and then and she prefers me, even fairly early on after placement. I think they are upset because they see her as their baby, which I respect, and I'm so grateful to them for the start she's had with them.

The mental angst is unexpected and enormous. This might be because I don't have too many day-to-day challenges with her so I have more time to worry. Maybe this is just parenting.

I am terrified for her and her future. I hope I will be enough to create her solid foundation for her to develop the self-worth and confidence to keep her safe throughout her life when she makes her own way out there.

I also worry so much for her birth mum, I've not met her, but I know her story and get snippets about how she's doing. She was badly let down in life and was too ill to look after her child. I'm glad I don't have the opportunity to hate her because I would have struggled with anger if it was a case of neglect or worse. But I'm also heartbroken she's not raising her beautiful much loved daughter. I hope one day they will reunite, but also that might be something that destroys me if I then get rejected or my child makes decisions that I feel aren't going to serve her well.

But these are my demons - I'm quite sentimental and sensitive behind my tougher exterior and I know worrying & guilt is common for parents.

But honestly so much of it has been a dream. My SW is gob-smacked I think!

It does work out ok sometimes, it's a gamble and there are no guarantees or promises. I've absolutely no doubt there will be lots of challenges ahead. But right now, it was the right thing to do.

Just a snap shot of my reality. I've found in adoption no family or story is the same. You have to be brave and dig deep to walk this path and there's no way around that.

Adoption story your post is really good,it's just like it is,basically a forever whirlwind of good and bad stuff,there will always be ups and downs,hard bits and good bits.all parenting is really hard and 24/7 and then with adoption are the extra bits you mention,you just never know how it will be,it's a leap of faith and you will worry about them always but you grow to love them and fight for them.positive and negative all at once.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. There have been some really helpful comments, and the sort of answers i was really hoping for. I have read pretty much every book on the reading list from our LA, and also others that have been recommended. I've also watched a lot of the youtube channels, which are a really good look into real life. As i said, we're not going into this blind, we have done so much research, it was more just dome snippets of real life, that is actually being lived right now that offer a more rounded look at life with adopted children. You've all been really helpfull. Thank you! Xx

Aww I'm glad people have given you some hope @MrsT8509 !

Just to jump on the bandwagon, my two drive me absolutely round the bend, it feels sometimes like the most draining, difficult thing to get them to put their shoes on or realise they need a wee, but then all of a sudden they dance up to you and kiss you on the cheek and tell you they love you before skipping off into the ether not knowing they have just left you stunned and glowing with love.

Then they bring you down to earth telling you they've done a massive poo and need you to wipe their bum.

I personally see it as choosing your hard. Birth parenting isn’t easy- giving birth is a medical trauma in many cases, and the expectations of (new) mothers is excruciating, on top of all the other normal parenting stuff. Adoption is, as you have realised, also really, really hard, but I figure that once you are in it, you are in it. You've chosen which kind of hard and you just do it. You get the joys of it as well as the hard times, and what seems before to have been real hardship will become just normal, or ok.

I think one of the problems with reading and research is that everybodys experience of trauma and their triggers are different, and ate trying to tell you what they find so hard. It can seem overwhelming because when you read them all it feels like your child could have all of the things AND you would find it overwhelming, but that's not the case. For example, I thought I would be ok with an energetic household, yet I find the sudden loud noise from my kids very difficult. However, other things now don't seem overwhelming - I have more patience than I thought I would for their various other trauma based pecadillos like fussy eating or poor sleep, although that is because through research of those specific issues eith my children in mind, I was able to be clear about what was happening in their brains and how i could adapt stuff to our lives. Pre placement, that would have been lost on me because it was all theoretical and seemed scary, but now it is second nature.

I also think I like myself more now because of my kids. They remind me to not take crap from other people, show me the joy in finding snails and make me laugh with their ridiculous expressions and ideas. They are weird and wonderful and quirky little souls, and them being in my life has enhanced it many times over.... but it is still hard!

One thing I tell my kids (mainly when we have to leave a shop without purchasing sweets) is "Oh darling, I know its hard, but you are tough brave and strong, and you can do hard things", and now I find that i repeat this under my breath to myself as well.

Anyway, since I normally give lists of stupid or annoying stuff my kids have done, here's some sweet stuff they did on Mothers day. I won't mention any negative stuff, but here the nice bits:

Offered round the chocolates they chose for us
Danced at the party they went to
Told us they loved us
We've trained them to say "Mama, you look beautiful!" Whenever we get dressed up. They don't really know whether they mean it but we like to hear it so they now say it with gusto 😂
Didn't get upset at anyone at the party to the point of no return
Did arts and crafts nicely for 15 minutes
Shared a drink with each other
Posed nicely for photos
Kissed a hurt better
Head our hands as we walked through town
Kept their seatbelts on in the car
Told the truth about breaking something
Ate dinner like it was going out of fashion
Helped me carry stuff into the car
Giggled helplessly at something on TV

Hope that's some positive bits and bobs to keep hold of!

It's been just 8 months (I know, not much) in with our girls, both placed with us, but boy was it scary when they first moved in. The reports paint the worst picture of the tiny humans, so much so, we were going to give up before we even started, but, who have now become our greatest love of our lives. They said something about a honeymoon period - we got none of it.

Now, we are fiercely protective, and will fiercely fight for them everywhere. To hear a random: "Daddy! Daddy! Listen to me! Listen to me! I love you!" just melts all the stress and pain away. My Google photos has ran out of space with their pictures and to hear the elder one's teacher say such amazing things about her!

Is it all easy - heck no! Is it always difficult - not at all. It is a pleasure and a pain every day. Will we give them up - not a chance! As one of my friends said - I have changed as a person, and I have no idea where all this love came from while I was the closest thing to a machine before they arrived.

My advice would be - enjoy every moment, keep a sense of humour and don't forget that time passes by too quickly to haggle and fight over spilt sauce on the carpet or dirty clothes or scribbled walls.

I love my children now, but it wasn’t always that way.

first child, easy peasy, loved him from the get go. Don’t know why, it just happened! I struggled being off work in the place I was because there felt like there was nothing to do if you couldn’t spend £20 a day - which is just not possible when you have no income! We moved somewhere now where activities can cost £2 and it’s so much nicer…

however second child was so difficult. She was grieving so much for the foster carer, she totally rejected my partner. My partner is in a tough job - which I think he’s starting to hate. A year or two on, and the love is so much stronger than I thought it could ever be. My advice is to go through the motions and pretend for the first year or so - eventually something will click and you’ll find yourself ready to smack an adult because they’ve rolled their eyes because your daughter is walking too slow (because she has difficulties - but also because she’s an ambling toddler going up the stairs.)

there are difficulties in parenting however you become a parent, they can be extra challenging, given the trauma our children have faced, however I do feel it’s extra rewarding when your child who has delayed speech randomly cuddles you and says (l)ove sa Mach

We're 6 years in and I love my boy above all else. Adopting him has been the best and most meaningful thing I have ever done. Yes, we have challenges (like all parents), but we get through them. Being a parent through adoption also makes me feel like I'm part of a club that only a few really special people get to be part of!!

We adopted an older child and it’s been an absolute pleasure. The only fly in our ointment was the vile social worker making our lives a misery pre adoption.
Our child is currently studying for A’levels after passing 9 GCSE’s with fantastic grades.

I have a both a birth child and adopted child. It's been a really positive experience for us all. We've definitely had ups and downs but they generally are both pretty brilliant.
My advice would be to take the first few years really slowly concentrate on attachment above anything.