Any Advice for Considering Adoption?

[IMightBeAParent]

I've been considering adoption for a while but I always worried about having enough money or if my house was big enough or do I have enough time for a child with my full time job and what would the child be like, what if they didn't accept me, what if what if what if. I've decided I can't keep letting the worries hold me back. I've registered for an adoption information session to find out more and to see if I could be suitable to adopt. I am very excited about taking this step but do you have any advice for what to expect or how I should be preparing?

I don't know about the changes you had to make to adopt but I will be making huge, significant, life changing sacrifices if I adopt.

I wonder how it will be for you if the child you adopt really struggles? I’ve worked with many parents who come to resent children who need a lot of support, or who have really difficult behaviours, or who seem “ungrateful” to their adoptive parents.

Parenting is a significant, life changing task steeped in sacrifice, however you come to it. Adoption possibly more so because you need to map those sacrifices out long before you have a child, and may need to adjust those plans once you have the child home with you.

In some ways it feels heavier because, if someone were to fall pregnant, they'd just have to work it out as they go whereas adopters need to do a lot of work just to be approved. It can feel unfair but because adopted children have a degree of latent vulnerability, it’s a necessary process to go through.

Hi @IMightBeAParent

My oldest daughter has face to face contact with her birth parents, she doesn't feel any less 'mine' because of this. One of the challenges (but this also brings many positives) of being an adoptive parent is that my children are completely 'mine' but they aren't 'mini-me's'. They came to me with interests, their own sense of humour, other people they love such as old foster carers and sadly traumatic experiences with their birth families. There are difficulties with f2f contact for us- it's hard to have a relaxed time with people you only see once a year, my daughter is anxious about contact and this affects behaviour especially in the run up, I find it hurtful that I am the one that has to chase for a visit and do all the arranging etc., it feels that they don't care but I know deep down this isn't the case. The positives for us are that my daughter will know them for who they are, not horrible people who wanted to hurt her, but also not fairytale characters who would be her perfect parents; they are her birth parents who couldn't parent her safely due to factors in thier own life and who love her and want the best for her as she grows up. I am hopeful that it will make life story work more meaningful and contexualised, and if she chooses to have a relationship with them when she's older she won't have to be re-introduced to them as strangers. It also helps me greatly as I have a better understanding of her early experiences.

You spoke about 'I just want to get on with life with my child' and to be honest that is one thing I find hard, we have alot of professionals in our lives and I've not ever felt that I can just get on with being a parent on my own. However as I say that has in no way impacted on how much they feel like my own children, and my children are still young (nearly 5 and 7) so this may settle as they grow older.

In terms of the needs of the children I think one of the problems is that everyone has a different understanding of terms such as high-needs, complex needs etc. which means that conversations are muddied. Would you be okay to share what your understanding is of when the SW at the info evening talked about 'high needs'?

In some ways it feels heavier because, if someone were to fall pregnant, they'd just have to work it out as they go whereas adopters need to do a lot of work just to be approved. It can feel unfair but because adopted children have a degree of latent vulnerability, it’s a necessary process to go through.

Yes I can resonate with this.

There are difficulties with f2f contact for us- it's hard to have a relaxed time with people you only see once a year, my daughter is anxious about contact and this affects behaviour especially in the run up, I find it hurtful that I am the one that has to chase for a visit and do all the arranging etc., it feels that they don't care but I know deep down this isn't the case.

@Beetham I think this is partly what I was expecting. Me trying to get on with parenting a child and meeting their needs and then also in my busy schedule having to chase a birth family to try to arrange the pre-agreed contact and all the emotions and behaviours f2f contact will bring up in the child that I will have to deal with before and after the f2f contact. In the meeting I was in the social workers spoke about f2f contact with the birth family which could mean birth parents, siblings (who might be together or separate somewhere or even siblings who are yet to be born), aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, etc. and also possibly foster parents. That could be a lot for me to organise and deal with.

Hopefully your daughter benefits from her f2f contact but it is something that really made me pause when I was told that f2f contact could be a reality for some adopters.

You spoke about 'I just want to get on with life with my child' and to be honest that is one thing I find hard, we have alot of professionals in our lives and I've not ever felt that I can just get on with being a parent on my own.

Yes this is something that I've been thinking about. I think you're amazing for being able to 'hold' your children with the regular presence of birth family and all the various professionals and yet you still feel like they are your children. For me it seems like (and this is still something I'm trying to get my head around) that they would be a child or children I am sacrificing for and trying to raise through their difficult traumas and behaviours but they aren't really my children but rather I'm sacrificing my career, time, social life, future, and financial stability in order to be a small part of a communal input contribution for a child. I'm not sure if that makes sense. Like I said I'm still trying to get my head around how I feel about it all and what the reality could look like.
I was in a busy shop recently and I heard a woman talking to a tantruming child and the child said 'I hate you' and the woman said 'well I love you and I'm the only mother you have so hopefully you love me to'. I'm not commenting on the woman's approach but her words struck me 'I'm the only mother you have'. If I adopted a child I would possibly be one of three mothers for that child, birth mother, foster mother and adoptive mother. I'm not sure why but I had not thought of it like that before. I walked around the store imagining myself saying 'I am one of your mothers'. I wouldn't actually say this it was just in my head when I heard the other woman say 'I'm the only mother you have'.

In terms of the needs of the children I think one of the problems is that everyone has a different understanding of terms such as high-needs, complex needs etc. which means that conversations are muddied. Would you be okay to share what your understanding is of when the SW at the info evening talked about 'high needs'?

I agree with this. The social worker spoke about children who would never walk or talk and due to serious medical issues would need full time carers for the rest of their lives. I'm a single woman who works full time and doesn't have a huge family network around me. I think a child who needs a full time carer has needs that go far beyond what I can realistically provide a child at this point in my life. The social worker also talked about sibling groups. I would completely love to adopt siblings but realistically I'm a single woman who works full time and I have a small house. I want to be a hands on mother and give each child the attention they need so because of this I think I could only adopt one or two children.

@IMightBeAParent

I'm really surprised that the SW was talking to you about children with serious medical conditions like its the normal.

Children with those conditions would need very specialised placements. There is a wonderful poster here who has adopted several children with life limiting conditions but It's not what the vast majority of adopters are dealing with.
And just to emphasise that you do have choice in this. Whilst there is always the element of the unknown with our kids, most of us full time carers for children with serious medical conditions

The reality is for most adopted children there is very little face to face contact with birth family. Out of all the adopters I know only one has face to face with one family member once a year. Very often the birth parents don’t manage in person contact, and siblings are also settling in to their own care placement which needs to be predictable and secure, so regular contact might be yearly. My DCs older sibling is in a residential home and hasn’t ever been in a stable enough place to cope with contact despite it being a hoped for outcome.

Its not the case that you’d be doing weekly/monthly contact meeting - that’s more a pattern for children who are in care but the long term plan is reunification which isn’t the case in adoption. At least in the early stages contact is arranged and managed by the local authority unless and until there’s a stable pattern established and you feel comfortable (and there’s no risk) in managing it yourself.

The “more than one mum” thing can feel tricky. In practice my kids know me as their mum, they speak about birth mum as the woman who gave birth to them but couldn’t (or didn’t want to) care for them, depending on how they feel at any given time. Yes other people may have parented your child, with varying degrees of competence/care, but you become their mum in the love, care, consistency and commitment you give them. My DD is going through the hell that is early teens, she’s told me she hates me and I’ll tell her I love her anyway. When we’re endlessly negotiating what she’s allowed to do -v- what her friends are allowed to do, I’ll remind her that I’m her mum. Because I am, legally, morally, emotionally I am her mum, not a temporary care giver or part of a communal effort.

I’ve nursed my kids through the night, laughed with them, cried with them, had fun with them, fought with them, fought for them, cared for them, provided for them. I’m their mum, they are my own children. That caring and loving and the sense of belonging is hard to imagine in abstract because any potential child isn’t known to you yet, and you don’t have a relationship with them.

In terms of f2f contact my experience for my oldest is that it's currently a net benefit and I think it will pay off as she is older, I am aware that it may get to the point where it is doing more harm than good and I am absolutely prepared to stop or pause contact in that case. My experience is a bit different to @Jellycatspyjamas as I'd say a good 1/4 of adoptive families I know personally have f2f contact with birth siblings. For youngest we see old foster carer and birth sibling about every 6 weeks or so (separately, her sibling has been adopted by a different couple). These contacts have been immeasurably valuable, enriching and also enjoyable, it took some work in the beginning but I honestly couldn't imagine life without them all now.

As I said, having lots of other involved is something I found hard, however not in the way you describe as 'small part of a communal input contribution for a child'. It feels often that I'm parenting in spite of the involvement, youngest has had 7 SWs in the last 12 months, I'm positive not a single one read her file and we only get anything done when I complain to head of service. To be fair our particular LA is in an absolute state and its the children with disabilities team (so not adoption or safeguarding etc.) And this isn't a comment on all SWs at all, it's just been my experience.

I absolutely cannot emphasise how much my children are mine with every fibre of my being. I love them so much.

My youngest has profound disabilities, I'm sure I've posted about her under this user name before but my more disparing posts have been under name changes. She is not able to walk or talk and she is registered blind, she then has alot of attachment and behaviour needs resulting from significant trauma. It has been horrendously tough and there have been times (I am ashamed to admit this) where I've seriously regretted my decision to adopt her. However her case isn't the norm which is one of the reasons it's so tough as its isolating, many adopted children have a degree additional needs but in my experience she is a rare exception and I'm not sure why the SW said that unless she was trying to scare people off who weren't committed? However I absolutely adore her and she has enriched my life so much, she isn't any less than any other child and parenting her is the greatest privilege. I think its really important to know your limits and I'm not in any way trying to persuade people to adopt children with complex disabilities, but one of the positives though (in addition to how wonderful she is) is that services are there in a way they aren't for other adoptive children. E.g. she gets DLA, I don't need to work because of the benefits we could get, she has SALT/OT/physio, and EHCP without any issues getting it, special school placement etc. It's not all plain sailing and most haven't been trauma informed so ive had alot of input but the services are there in a way they aren't for others.

Good luck in your decision making, it has been by far the hardest and best thing I've ever done.

@Beetham

just to say though there is a world of difference between contact with siblings who are also adopted, ie parents on board, committed, and understand the complexities and siblings still within the birth family.

Yes absolutely agree, I wasn't trying to say otherwise at all.

Hi - My son was placed 13 years ago so of course lots of things have changed.

I can't think of any adoptive parents I have met over the years that have had f2f contact. Letterbox yes but my authority has never chased this once in 13 years.
We all need to think about we would feel when they contact their birth family or birth siblings and that time will inevitable arrive.

The private adoption agency just don't seem to get why contacting your ex is an issue. Going forward I can't see how you could possibly have an positive working relationship with them.
As I say my journey was years ago but I have not forgotten the raw feeling of being effectively interrogated. SW was professional but it was a grilling. The question of f2f contact and your response is a perfect example - they are evaluating your response.

I would also thoroughly research FASD. IMHO I can't see how any of these children are not affected by their birth mothers drinking which will then cause brain damage. As a previous poster mentioned I remember being utterly shocked the damage it does.

I never went back to my old job/career . I currently work part time in a junior role. I do not feel valued in the job at all but it is flexible. Last week he couldn't manage to make it into school and he needed me. I was able to do my work once things had calmed down so as you see the flexibility is perfect.
If I'm honest it often grates but I did love being a SAHM when he was younger.

@Beetham @IMightBeAParent

no I know you didnt, I was really just trying to highlight it for the op.

It is a bit of difficult area to get your head round. I do a number of adoptive families where the children have established contact in their teens or adulthood. I dont think that’s uncommon.

But what you do have to get your head around, and accept, that your adoptive child does have another family.

12 years ago today I met my son for the first time. He is absolutely and completely mine, my child, my son because of everything we have shared together. Knowing that there is another mother out there doesnt change that. But you do have to accept they exist. Without her, for the good and the bad, I wouldn’t have him

@IMightBeAParent I get the thing about feeling confused about how to feel about the mums thing. Our society is so set up to have this single almost sainted image of 'The Mother' that is portrayed to be one person in one specific way. However, as an adopter you end up coming to understand that multiple things can be true and yet opposite. You hold several realities in your mind. I'm in a same sex relationship, and so who got to be the mummy/mama issue was something we had to discuss and come to terms with very early on. Our children would always have at least 3 mums, and we knew they would have to deal with the duality of that as a matter of course. The reality is that they don't- they have more, because they have us two, birth mum, and a foster mum each. Our household buys many mothers day cards! But that's because each of those women played a very important part for our children and mothered them in different ways. If you can let go of the concept of a single entity being mother, suddenly your capacity to understand the nuanced and complex feelings about adoption and family is enhanced. As a society we seem to have a better view of multiple men being able to fill the father role for some reason, with stories of step dads and uncles stepping up to the plate to be "real dads", but as a society I feel we struggle to do this more with mothers. Obviously I blame the patriarchy ;) but honestly, as a queer couple, we have had to reckon with that as a matter of course, and I can reassure you the kids take it in their stride. Having more mothers doesn't diminish our role for our children in the way you might think. Its not like its pie, that the love they have ilis finite and can only be given in chunks, so more for one means less for others. We don't think the same way about other relationships- just because you have 4 grandparents doesn't make any one of them less or more than another. Their actions might affect how close a relationship they have with you, their choices, their personality may impact to a greater or lesser degree etc, but they are not any less a grandparent because there are more of them. You love them for their actions.Its important to note that they see us totally as their mothers- they might hate us, they might be angry with us, they might rail against us, but we are their mums because we do the mum things.

Secondly, you don't give the children power to decide your role. In brutal terms, it doesn't really matter what they want, they don't get to choose you. Social workers and judges did, so in the same way a bio child gets to rail against the unfairness of having their bio mum as their mother, they get to be cross with you about you being their mother, as per the injustices of their teenage life. I may not be their only mother, but I am their mother whether they like it or not, so they get to love me and hate me in all those ways.

Also, they didn't get to choose, but I did. I chose to be their mother, even though I didn't have to be, and so their words and actions can't take it away from me. I do the mum things, and to be honest they can like it or lump it. I'm still going to be there, turning up at their plays, doing embarassing dances and telling them off for being daft. Unfortunately their birth mum can't/won't/doesn't get to do that part of mothering them, but she did get to give birth to them. The kids can can like or lump that too! She did the part where she carried them, gave them life, and loved them from where she was at. It wasn't enough at the time to give them what they needed, but because she did those things yes, she also was and is their mother. This may not apply to all situations, because all BP situations are different but in ours I make people (particularly professionals) speak with respect about her because she is the mother of my children she just had her own heavier burdens to bear. I won't have people who don't know her speak judgementally of her because she gave my boys life, and in her own way, tried to care for them. She didn't have to. I also won't ignore her. If the boys themselves choose to do so, that is their call, but as much as we can, we try to make sure that the children hear us speaking about her with compassion and we advocate for her in the best way we can. We are forever tied to her now and want the best for her and the boys. This will be different for other people, and we didn't expect to feel this way, but I hope that I'm explaining it in a way that shows you that there are lots of different ways to feel and none of them are right or wrong, but some of them require you to think outside what the "normal" values of society are and what people say you should think or feel about being a mum. Maybe you will be angry with BP and want to cut them out.... but then again, when you learn a bit more, and see examples of how families can work when you put aside certain social expectations, maybe you won't. And you are allowed to sit with the weird feelings that might give you and change your mind over time one way or another too- I know for sure that the way I thought I would parent, and thought was good parenting, has changed based on what I've read on this forum, the adoptive families I've met and the family setups I've learned about. Throughout time, families have deviated from the traditional mum dad 2.4 kids model, even if that's not what people want you to think, and once you start accepting this reality, your mind can be opened to a theoretical possibility of what options for contact can look like.

All that being said, whether other grown up people treat you like a "real" mother is different- people make ignorant comments (particularly about mothers) all the time. However they do that about literally anything and everything, so adoption is kind of one of many things they could comment on. They do the same if you are fat, smoke, drink, do or don't breastfeed, go back to work, be a SAHM, have a religion or are different to them in any way, or so it seems to me!

In the future, our kids may want to get in contact with BPs in some way, and as PPs have said, we can be cool with that because it means they get to know the real person, rather than a nightmare or a fantasy. But we can mainly be more open to it because we have discussed and thought considerably about what being a mum means, and decided a point from which we were their mums, and just had to act as such. From the moment we were approved at panel for our boys, we were their mums. We were committed to every part of them, the good, the bad and the ugly, and they got us, the good the bad and the ugly. We are learning on the way, and by goodness we have made many mistakes, but that's kind of what families do, right? If you do the mum stuff, you are their parent- social workers come and go, psychologists leave and don't come back, teachers move on, BPs can waver in contact, and yet you are there for your child. It is that bit that makes you their parent, and that bit that they will feel.

I know this post has been long, and I debated writing/continuing to write it, but you struck a chord because you put into words a fear that I think I felt before I adopted but never really knew how to express. I hope it is reassuring that, for me, so far, those fears have not come to fruition, but I definitely did have them, so it's not unreasonable to be thinking about these things and considering your options.

What a fantastic post @Torvy, really sits well with my experience of parenting my two and what that means.

As an adopted child (now 59) my parents adopted me because they wanted children but unfortunately couldn't biologically have one. Nothing but love and acceptance of the child as your own is needed. An adopted child is a gift and in every way is your child and as much a part of the family as everyone else. Yes, they need to know their story and supported if they want to eventually find biological family. But if you truly want and love them, you will always be the "real" parents. I found my biological parents and 3 biological brothers when I was 27. I have good relationships with all. But not ever have I thought of my biological parents as mum and dad due to the love, memories and undoubted knowledge that when that adoption certificate was signed I was their child. It's not important how big your house is, how much money you have, question why you want to adopt . Will you accept the child as your own, will you tell them about adoption and support any future decisions to meet biological family, can you handle any adolescent nastiness "you're not my real parents", "you don't really love me" etc cos there will be difficult times. But I could never have wished for a better upbringing or family. My mother was an exceptional lady who bestowed love and support on me all my life. She may not have given birth to me but she was and will forever be my heroine and mother xx

Adopted children don't have additional needs, unless they are older and have been through a terrible time. I'm adopted, have friends who were adopted, we didn't have "additional need". Our only need was to be wanted as any baby would, to be totally accepted as their own, to be loved and guided. To be supported if we chose to trace biological family when older.

@Deebz001

It's great that you didn't have any additional needs.
Sadly the reality is that very many adopted children do. My son is 20, at uni, doing well. He has ASD and a learning difficulty as well.

Half an hour going through posts on this forum will show you the extent of additional needs. I have numerous friends at breaking point trying to support their children - if only love, acceptance and guidance is all they need.

Debz your post is awesomely wonderful and gives me hope we can make our DD happy with me as mum in the future so thank you so so much for that. I am definitely heartened by your post (as the mum guilt is always there!) I wonder if the difference in your story is because of the reasons now that children need adopting is different to how it used to be?

@Deebz001 the warmth and love you write about your family is just beautiful. You were truly loved and felt it in every way. I am so glad adoption was a positive experience for you.

i just want to clarify though, it’s not necessarily adoption that causes additional needs, it’s the impact of what led for the judge to decide that adoption is the least worst option for children in modern adoption. In Scotland, it is recognised that all care experienced children (including adopted children) have extra support in school for instance, because it is recognised that they have experienced trauma. It doesn’t mean that the children are sub par or have disabilities, it’s recognising that they made need extra support to achieve their full potential in little ways. My child, for instance, was allowed to be first in line for his lunch (because of experiences prior to adoption) and someone keep an eye on him in the playground (because he found it hard to ask for help if he fell). He is an amazing child and knowing that schools now recognise that he may (not all) need a little extra from them with much more understanding is important for him to succeed. Additional needs in adoption terms is slightly different than what society thinks of eg disabilities. It’s about additional love and support and nurture from all who have the pleasure of being with our kids. Because sometimes, just sometimes, they need it.

Thank you so much for your lovely messages. It has been so helpful and I have read and re-read through them many times. Hopefully they will be helpful for others as well.
It's been a difficult past few months and I have tried to take some time to process what's happened. I wanted to give you an update on my nightmare experience.

I took on your suggestions and bought and read all the books. I joined Adoption UK and signed up for all the relevant courses and groups and started meeting adopters. I started having conversations with my management team about cutting down on my hours and changing my work schedule.

I had the social worker in my home and they acted like all was fine. I had taken off work one day to meet with them. They said I lived in a lovely rural area, had done lovely things with my home, said they loved the village feel of the place, they spoke at length about this repeatedly in the SIX hours they were in my home (YES SIX HOURS THEY WERE IN MY HOME!!). They asked about my bank account details, my expenses, my medication, my medical record details, my relationship history, my career history, every other intimate area of my life and then said they would make enquires into other countries I've lived in. All seemed fine. They did a tour of my home, they played with my dog and said how wonderful she would be with a child. They spoke to me about adopting a baby and said this is what I should be aiming for (I had asked to adopt 3-6 years old). When I said I wasn't sure if a baby was right for me they tried to convince me it was. I left it saying I was willing to consider it.

It all seemed to be going well. I had no further contact until they called me two weeks later to give me the outcome of the meeting. They said my location was too rural, village is too small and my job hours too long (even though I had said I was looking to change them and this wouldn't be an issue with my employer as a senior manager had also recently adopted and understood the situation). They said I could 'try again in a few years' if my situation changes. I felt gutted and lied to and very confused why their story changed so drastically. I wasn't given any explanation despite me asking for one. I'm also confused why I went through such a long (they were in my home for SIX HOURS) and intensive invasion into my privacy when that was my first social work interview and the reasons why I was disqualified were based on information they knew before they came to my home. Why did they even come to my home? Someone told me I went through a second phase interview? Why?

Needless to say, I was not accepted through phase one of the adoption process. The social worker told me to 'keep in touch' and I had to stop myself responding inappropriately. I said I didn't want to proceed with someone I couldn't trust and thanked them for their time and said goodbye. They said 'oh don't be like that' before I ended the call. Perhaps I didn't handle it well but I was so shocked and felt so lied to and confused about what happened and clearly wasn't going to get any answers about it so I thought it best to end the call before I said something I would regret.

I've had a long hard think about it all. I'm still very confused why it was so positive one minute and then negative the next. Maybe I'll never know but I realised I don't want someone in my life giving me moving hoops to jump through and then I don't know if I can believe them or not or if I make huge, life changing sacrifices they're telling me to make like giving up my career or moving house (with no career), what if they still say 'it's not enough' and then I'm unemployed, with moving fees and still childless? This doesn't feel like the right path for me anymore so I'm going to walk away from it. I feel really sad about it all but also that I did try and like some things in life it just hasn't worked out.

Good luck with your own adoption journeys.

@IMightBeAParent

I recently adopted a child.
I'm sorry you had that difficult experience.

These are my thoughts.
Unfortunately there are more people applying to adopt than there are children available to be adopted right now, with the exception of 'harder to place' children.

Most of those starting the process won't (for a number of reasons) end up adopting.

Social workers are making subjective decisions, one will think you live too rurally, another will think where you live is perfect. I got the impression most of the time SWs know what children are on their books or likely to be in the pipeline, so looking for parents for those particular children and if your face/home/family doesn't fit then you won't get through.

My first interview was a 'call when you've done a,b & c' which I did and then I was told do 'd' which I did then I was told to wait 6 months.

You have to accept they are in control.
I've heard lots of adopters have tried other agencies and been welcomed with open arms, so you can try again if you wish.

@IMightBeAParent I'm so sorry to hear your update, sounds very disappointing, and frankly bizarre, I don't know how that SW has so many hours to dedicate to an initial home visit, and her handling of it was unfair to you. I'm glad that you articulated this to her when she called you.

I hope this comes across how I mean it to, but when you said:

I realised I don't want someone in my life giving me moving hoops to jump through and then I don't know if I can believe them or not or if I make huge, life changing sacrifices they're telling me to make like giving up my career or moving house (with no career), what if they still say 'it's not enough' and then I'm unemployed, with moving fees and still childless?

This is a good description (in my experience) of the life of an adopter, constantly being told to do things, or not do things, to advocate better, or to shut up, and whatever you do the goalposts move. The stakes are very high as your child and you are in desperate need for support and no-one is helping, people don't stick to their word and you are alone. You've already completely changed your life for your children and when in crises the help that was promised doesn't materialise. So if that is something you are not willing to manage then I think it could be the right decision. As I say I hope that has come across the way I intended it, not as a dig but as an acknowledgement of your boundaries.

However as @mouseyowl says the differences between agencies can be night and day, this doesn't have to be the end of the road if you don't want it to be. Also the figures have recently changed and there is now more children waiting for placement than there are adopters, so things to do move all the time.

Because they can't just accept you at your word that he's abusive. You may have been abusive to him. Plenty of people have tried to adopt and then its emerged that they are not suitable for a plethora of reasons, including things an ex would know about.

You keep referring to them as "your" child. However they aren't a possession. They are still a part of birth families life and all decisions need to be in the best interest of the child, including possible contact if appropriate.

@mouseyowl Thank you yes perhaps you are right and there are more people wanting to adopt than there are children waiting to be adopted. And you are definitely right, the social workers have all the control and whatever they think wins. I have thought 'what if I had had a different person come visit, would the outcome have been different' but I keep telling myself to stop thinking about what if and focus on what is. The reality is I wasn't approved. I might try a private agency at some point. I think I'm still reeling from the last experience though, it was very unpleasant.

@Beetham Thank you. I had a male visiting me and I'm not even fully sure he was a social worker. This was my first interview and he was in my home for 6 hours, he turned up an hour late and then left at about 11:00pm. He explored my finances, my relationships, my employment, my medical history, my medication, etc. He wanted to see everything and know all the facts and figures. He wanted to record the meeting but I said no because I didn't understand why someone would want to do that or what would happen to the recording afterwards. I was fully open and honest with him which is not easy when someone is prying into the depths of your core. I think it was his dishonestly that hurt the most. At the visit my house and location was lovely and I was 'amazing' and then in the phone call everything was the complete opposite and he had a list of problems. Why lie and mislead me?

This is a good description (in my experience) of the life of an adopter, constantly being told to do things, or not do things, to advocate better, or to shut up, and whatever you do the goalposts move.

This is exactly why I think I will not continue. I keep thinking of having no job, a new mortgage, trying to figure out the benefits system and how to pay for the new mortgage with benefits that don't quite reach the monthly payments, living off foodbanks, and then a new, possibly traumatised child living with me and almost like a coercive controller constantly above me trying to pull all the strings whilst telling me how crap I'm doing. It sounds like hell and I can't imagine the impact on the child. I think you are all very brave for continuing in your journey and I wish you the best of luck!