Any Advice for Considering Adoption?

[IMightBeAParent]

I've been considering adoption for a while but I always worried about having enough money or if my house was big enough or do I have enough time for a child with my full time job and what would the child be like, what if they didn't accept me, what if what if what if. I've decided I can't keep letting the worries hold me back. I've registered for an adoption information session to find out more and to see if I could be suitable to adopt. I am very excited about taking this step but do you have any advice for what to expect or how I should be preparing?

Hi @IMightBeAParent

What an exciting time! Its great that you are considering adoption, and we'll done on taking the first step. It's a long old journey!

I would be reading up as much about adoption in the UK as possible, and reading up about the impact of trauma on children, theraputic parenting (Sarah Naish has an easily accessible guide called a-z of theraputic parenting) and following accounts on social media of people who are going through the process or who have recently been through the process so that you can learn from them and their resources. You could also follow We Are Family, which might direct you to some resources. Bbc has a few good radio programmes or podcasts- one is called the adoption, which we found helpful at the start.

You also have a huge back catalogue on this forum to look at as well- it has a wealth of information, resources and discussion points about the reality of raising adopted children. My partner and I combed through it as we researched and used it as the basis for discussion as part of our preparation sessions.

Try not to self impose barriers like money and space- you need a bedroom per child, but don't need to own your own home. You don't have to be rich, but the more money you have as a back up, the more prepared you will be. Many adoptive parents need to become flexible about work, or at least one partner does if they are in a couple, and for some, working full time is impossible, especially during early placement years. It is worth considering whether your career path would allow any of this flexibility and if not, how you might build this in for the future.

You will learn more at the adoption information event, but knowing a bit about adoption prior to attending might make you feel better!

Good luck!

Thank you @Torvy Your post is so helpful!
I am single and work full time plus I commute so it is something I worry about and need to figure out. How difficult is it to take the 12 month adoption leave? I've been trying to find my company policy on that. I have just popped onto Amazon and bought the a-z of Therapeutic Parenting book. Thanks for the recommendation! I've been looking at Adoptionuk .org membership. £50 per year is it worth it? Apparently they have county support groups that can be joined and online support. As nervous as I feel about it all I also feel very very excited so I'm going to continue to pursue it.😊

Hi @IMightBeAParent

I would echo what others have said about research, research, research.
I'm a single adopter and it's very tough.
You will probably have to think very carefully about your job.
I loved my job pre adoption but it just wasn't workable as a single adopter. Many adopters end up working part time.

The thing that adopted children need most of all is you - your time and attention. Think about what you are trying to achieve here - what sort of family life do you want. What would be your plans for child care, what if your child can't cope with childcare. What would happen if you got stuck in a traffic jam and were late for pick up.
Start thinking about these scenarios now and how you would deal with them.

I did have 12 months off, 13 using accrued leave. But I was a civil servant with an extremely generous policy. I had 6 months on full pay, three months on half and the final three months unpaid. I funded the last 3 months with some savings. I also had a huge stash of non perishable food, cleaning stuff and toiletries which made a huge difference to my shopping bill.
Before I left work I also revamped my clothes. I made sure I had a decent winter coat and shoes, underwear and basic
'mum clothes' . Before child I wafted around in velvet and silk and Monsoon embellished skirts. I didn't own a pair of jeans.
So I just put together a basic wardrobe of jeans, leggings and more practical tops. I don't think I bought any more clothes for me for about 18 months.

Good advice so far. Also have a think about the age of child, many people want baby/toddler ages and while that can be lovely, there’s often more uncertainty about their future development because many issues don’t appear initially. I adopted two aged 4 and 6 at the time - I knew I wanted children who were older both from a developmental point of view but also practically I wanted to see them settled into school and nursery before my adoption leave ended, so I could have a good sense of what I’d need work wise.

In terms of adoption leave, if your work doesn’t have a clear adoption policy, have a look at the maternity policy - many work places match adoption and maternity leave, because they leave themselves open to a discrimination claim if they don’t so that can be a good starting place.

That's exciting! I would echo what others say about the importance of research. I listened to lots of podcasts, went on workshops and read many books. My husband and I also took a parenting course (we were the only ones without kids). It was all helpful.

Our Adoption UK membership certainly was worth the money. We met lots of prospective adopters and adopters and got a lot of good advice. We actually first heard of our adoption agency at an AUK meeting from a couple who had just been matched. We kept in touch and babysat their children several times until our children were placed with us. I would definitely recommend it, particularly if they have a local group near you.

This might be helpful:
https://www.linkmaker.co.uk/forums/topic/a7e76f8d-f8a9-4161-bf80-9c0c674e7155

To answer your questions about leave: 52 weeks of adoption leave is a statutory right, in the same way as maternity pay adoption pay has some eligibility criteria e.g. being with your employer for a minimum of 26 weeks. I'm a single parent and my youngest has particularly complex needs so I took the full 52 weeks then all the accrued leave on top so had 14 months off, most was poorly paid and some was unpaid although I qualified for universal credit which made a big difference. Having that time together made a huge difference.

Some things to be aware of though are that the rules for 30 hours childcare for 3/4 year old screw over adopters as you must return to work within 30 days of them starting so little one only went 15 hours which was fine at first as I wouldn't have wanted her to go more but annoying later on. The second is that employers are generally less informed and experienced in adoption and my own (and a couple of friends') employer wasn't very sympathetic, I kept my cards very close to my chest and gave the minimal information about dates and intentions etc.and I'm very glad I did. You aren't legally a parent until the adoption order and I've found that can leave you a bit vulnerable.

Yes Adoption UK membership is well worth it and their prospective adopted zooms so helpful.sally Donovan books also well worth reading early on Like 'no matter what's.and the a and f podcast, and Molly mama adopt on you tube.

Me and my partner are at panel this Friday. We attended the information session in late Oct 2022.

Along the way we have met many prospective adopters, all very different backgrounds - quite a few single adopters. We all have very different circumstances and very encouraging. My take on it is if your healthily, not in financial difficulties and have space regardless if you own or rent, then you have as strong of a chance as anyone else.

At times we have felt the process to be drawn out, but we actually have really enjoyed stage 2, where your assigned a social worker and meet weekly. On reading our prospective adopters report it’s amazing just how much she has gotten to know us. It’s also interesting to read back and see how your own story has played out to this moment and to read an experts opinion/review of you as a person.

We have been very pro EPP and to our shock, this week we have had two calls about prospective little people, one two weeks old and another unborn and due imminently. When that call came it was unexpected and its thrown us into disarray - this time next week we may very well be making plans to collect either of the two children up from their Forster placement/ hospital but the same time these might not be our little people. Which would be such a mix of emotions to deal with given where now excited, nervous and panicking about becoming parents - but we could also be very disappointed, dismayed, upset possibly even relieved its not going ahead if facts become apparent which mean we need to step away from either of these children.

My recommendation to any perspective adopter would be to attend a few information sessions, as each agency is different and has differing levels of support. I feel ours has been superb and past adopters seem to advocate them due to the ongoing support.

You also need to come into the process with your eyes wide open, children needing adoptive placements have experienced terrible starts to life which begins in utero. The effects of which such as FASD possibly just as prevalent as trauma, loss and abuse experienced after birth.

Keep and open mind but strap in as its certainly a journey and that’s even before we change our future littles ones nappy for the first time or deal with all the other challenges I’m sure we will encounter as all parents do :-)

My advice would be you have already made a great start, we still don’t own the therapeutic parenting book but must get round to getting a copy!! Our agency has run training sessions to introduce it and concepts and it all makes complete sense!

My advice would be to read into FASD this was the biggest shocker for me and if I’m honest, when It was first presented to me, I didn’t know it existed and I felt I couldn’t handle it. I wanted to walk away and it caused quite the debate with my other half.

However, the more I’ve researched and listened to others with children impacted, I’ve come back round.

Re your adoption leave, you will be entitled to up to 12 months your employer can’t really stop you. It will likely match or mirror traditional maternity leave entitlement which can vary, for me I would get 3 months full pay and 3 months half and the rest at SSP. I would also loose my car allowance after three months. My other half employer is much more generous offering 6 months full and then the remainder would be at ssp. Our agency has been really keen we commit to 12 months off work initially and we have had to evidence how we would cope with the reduced income. Luckily we have some savings we could fall back on and whilst it would be very tight we could also like off my income and SSP but it would be living hand to foot. However once the adoption order has been granted if our little one, who ever he or she might be, is stable enough we wouldn't hesitate to place them into a child care provision and return to work - but it will all depend on their circumstances and realistically I think you would need to be able to devote 12 months, unless you have family who are going to support and could act as the career if you did indeed need to return to work. Whilst where a couple, it really will just be us, we have zero wrap around provision possibility’s from family as we live a good 40 miles from our closet family member who very much have their own busy lives.

Just thinking practically there will be plenty of steps you could take too to possibly return to work, such as compressing your hours to reduce frequency of career support you might need/ requesting to work remotely. Whilst I wont be taking the maternity leave, I’ve agreed with work to become home based and work a four day compressed week. Hopefully that means I get to be around for some of the firsts and have cuddles in between the big tasks.

id also recommending looking up books on single parenting, lots of very good resources around aimed at parents in general as well as a lot of adoption specifics.

Thank you so much for all of your helpful advice. I'm reading and then re-reading all of your posts and taking everything on board. If I'm honest it terrifies me to think about stepping away from work. How could I afford to do that I keep asking myself. I don't know how I could even afford to go part time but I can see how practically it could be an issue if I don't. I'll try to think about solutions around this. I guess I need to start focusing on saving up and looking at the practical side of things and how day to day life could be and what would work or not. There's so much to consider. I have just purchased a few books on being a single mother. I think I will also join Adoption UK as it could mean meeting some local people with adoption experience. I keep feeling waves of anxiety and then excitement and then worry and then anxiety and then excitement but it is so helpful to have specific things to focus on in terms of coming up with a plan. Thank you!

Best of luck at your panel on Friday @Denety I hope it goes well

With regards to the various agencies, I have only contacted my local council adoption team. Should I be speaking to other agencies as well? I'm not sure how to go about finding a trusted private organisation. Is it ok to just be registered at the local council team?

@IMightBeAParent

We were all terrified once ( and many of us still are !!!)
Re finances, childcare is a killer. This is where considering the age of the child comes into play. Adopting a school age child greatly reduces the cost of childcare - though you still have to cover 13 weeks of school holidays plus random snow days etc.
You also need to think about benefits. It's hard for people who have always worked to get their heads around this. You should get child benefit unless you are a high earner. If you go part time you may be entitled to universal credit. Your child may be entitled to DLA. At one point about 60% of my income came from benefits.
It's worth playing around with the figures.
I was surprised at how small the difference in take home pay was between working 4 and 5 days.

Have a good look at your expenditure - eg how much do you spend because of work? Clothes, lunches, throwing a fiver here and there into collections ? What's your social life like- before I adopted a spent a fortune at gigs and theatre. Not afterwards !
Yes it's OK just to your LA but personally I'd advise shopping around, go to a few information evenings and see who feels like a good fit for you.

Our agency is local authority run between 5 councils. I think there are also a number of voluntary run agencies, in theory they all should be reputable as they relay on local authorities making their children available. My understanding is most children will be placed on linkmaker which is a national data base of children, prospective parents and family finders. Although we have requested not to have log on details, as we attended a profiling event and found it too much - we have asked to be left in the hands of the family finders and out social worker for now. We have also requested no pictures of potential matches until we have read the child’s report as we grew attached to one profile during profiling and then when we read the report there was no way we could have handled the back story and needs they where presenting.

Regards adoption UK, we were provided log on details for this and a years membership by our agency when we went into stage 1.

I'm so sorry! The last two messages didn't come through so I'm just seeing them. Apologies for the delayed reply and thank you for your helpful responses.

It's been an upsetting past couple of weeks. I've thought a lot about my current job and how busy I am and I've realised I can't do the role and bring a child into the picture. I've explored my options and managed to get a job offer which would mean career suicide but it is a much slower paced role, more suited to having childcare responsibilities and a salary that would allow me to move closer to work so I wouldn't have to commute so long. I've been considering accepting this role so I could be in a better position to adopt but meanwhile I'm talking to the adoption agencies and I was shocked to be told that my ex husband would be contacted as part of the process. He was abusive and I chose not to have children with him, we were never around children and he has no idea what I would be like as a parent and we didn't live together for most of our marriage. I can't understand why he would now be involved in me becoming a parent. I've been told it's essential he's contacted so I've paused the process.
I've been thinking I'm going to stop pursuing adoption which feels very sad. Marrying that man ruined my life even after I've spent so long divorcing him and creating a new life for myself and a potential child. Part of the reason why I finally made the decision to divorce him was so I could finally have a child.

Also after going to all the information sessions it seems from what I'm being told is that there are more adopters than children waiting to be adopted. I was told all the adopters 'compete' for the same children and the agencies are really trying to push adoption for the children 'with high needs'. I don't think I could realistically care with a child with high needs so it made me think perhaps adoption isn't for me if this is all that will be available.

And finally I was told that I would have to maintain f2f contact with the child's birth parents. I struggled to see how this would be beneficial for the child and how it would help develop and grow a relationship between me and the child if I have to keep taking them back to their 'real' parents and family. It made me think I would sacrifice my career, my financial security, my safety (ex husband), my social life, absolutely everything for a child that would never really be mine. Is this what adopters do?

Am I seeing this the wrong way? Has anyone else experienced any of this? Part of me is saying if I want a child bad enough I'll do anything but the realist in me is saying there must be a limit and what I'm being told is crossing my limit.
I'm feeling very deflated this week. :(

@Denety How did your panel go?

Hi @IMightBeAParent

quite a lot of issues in there but I’ll try and respond.
There are two things you have to accept if you are going to adopt.

There first is that its a risk, a gamble, you just never now how its going to turn out. Part of that is accepting that in all liklihood your child will have some level of additional need. But that doesnt mean life is destined to be a miserable slog for nothing. When my son went into care at 4 he was mute, had extreme autistic behaviours, at special school, tiny ( ie under nourished ) for his age.
He had nearly 4 years with a great foster family and came to me age 8. 12 years later he is at university, has tons of friends, everyone thinks he is the bees knees. Its been tough, very tough at times but we have had many great adventures along the way, he is an amazing young man and I’m proud to have had the privilege of being his mum and travelling this journey with him.

The second is that they have a birth family who they have a right to know about. I probably know hundreds of adoptive families, I only know a handful that had direct contact with birth family, one of them being me. I can’t deny that it hasnt at times been stressful but primarily because they didn’t meet their side of the bargain. He last saw his mum when he was 4, his dad in 2018 when he was 14. Despite having all our contact details my son has had no Christmas cards or presents in 12 years, a handful of birthday presents, nothing on his 18th, when he passed his GCSEs or got his uni place. The reality is that few birth parents can manage contact.
Having said that, most adoptees when they hit teens will be thinking a lot about their birth families, its part of them exploring their own identity. I know more adoptive families where there has been contact in later teens, early adulthood. Some are satisfied with a one off meeting, others want more.
Its absolutely natural and right that adoptees be enabled to explore these relationships. Our children’s histories can be very challenging, its hard for us sometimes to feel charitable towards birth family, but its about our childrens needs. I dont feel any less my son’s mum for knowing his other mum is out there. Without her I would not have my son, Im the one who has watched him grow up, supported him through everything, had the best adventures - Its her loss. Part of the reason why my son has no great desire to pursue a relationship with his birth family is that I’ve always been open and honest, answered his questions. No big mystery for him to pursue.

I dont agree that all adopters are chasing the same children. No one else was interested in my son, primarily because he was 7. Babies and pre schoolers are most ‘in demand’ for want of a better phrase. If you keep an open mind on age and sex, there will be more children open to you.
Its standard practice for SWs to want to contact ex’s. They are aware that exs are exses for a reason and would read between the lines. Having said that, there are ways around it. My ex was lovely, but I’d had no contact with him for 15 years, I had no address, phone number, email, didnt even know which city he was living in. If SWs wanted to play private detective they were welcome to - they didnt. If you fear for your safety if he is contacted, tell them, if they dont accept that, go to another agency.
Hope this has been some help

@Ted27 Thank you! You've given me a lot to think about. Your son sounds amazing.
I don't think I could provide my contact details to the birth family. I think I had read about letterbox contact and maybe I had assumed that would be the case for every child. I was horrified when the social worker said I would need to maintain f2f contact with birth family. I still can't see why that is beneficial for the child. I can understand and completely agree that children have a right to know where they come from and that they will likely be curious at some point about their birth parents and perhaps seek f2f contact with them at some point. I'm happy to speak openly with my child about their birth family and how the child came into care. I don't hold any ill will towards the birth parents at all but I just want to get on with life with my child, the child I will love and will be making so so so many sacrifices for. If they have questions they can ask me at any time and we can discuss it but I don't want to maintain f2f contact with birth family. Perhaps I am not suitable to adopt. It's something I'm now questioning.
I still can't understand why my ex would need to be contacted. He's never seen me with a child so what could he possibly add to my application? If social care know that ex's might lie and say things to purposely harm an application then why is the ex being asked? These questions keep going around and around my mind. The private adoption agency said they had to contact my ex no matter if that put me and the child at risk or not. The local authority said if there is a risk there might be a way around asking him but I didn't get a firm 'we won't approach him'. I want a child but I don't know if I want a child enough to involve the abusive ex I spent years trying to escape. Again I ask myself if I am suitable to adopt, do I want a child bad enough? Lots to think about.

@IMightBeAParent

I would emphasis that our situation was quite exceptional, my son's dad was never a danger to him, he was just completely incapable of looking after a child. During 4 years in foster care he had unsupervised contact every weekend. I would never have given him our contact details if there had been any danger. His birth mum is a different kettle of fish and has never had our contact info.
Honestly despite what SWs, face to face contact is very rare.
I also think if you pick the right agency and establish a relationship with an SW you can get round the ex thing.
He was abusive there is no reason why you would have contact details, and leave it at that.

I still can't understand why my ex would need to be contacted. He's never seen me with a child so what could he possibly add to my application? If social care know that ex's might lie and say things to purposely harm an application then why is the ex being asked?

It’s usual to speak to all significant relationships. Sometimes it can give helpful insight into how you manage relationships, if there’s been abuse in the past it can help to ascertain the ex poses to risk to a child placed (I know you’re estranged but people can and do lie about former relationships in the adoption process), sometimes it can highlight problematic parenting.

In saying that, no process should put you at risk. LA social workers are more likely to have an understanding of domestic abuse because they’re more likely to have done child protection work. They can contact him without giving any information about you and where you live, and can assess what he has to say through the lens of an abusive relationship. If you really don’t want them to contact him, they’ll expect you to talk in depth about your experience of abuse as they will need to assess the impact on you and how that might affect your parenting, particularly if you parent a child who has also experienced domestic abuse.

The reality is that adoption means putting your life under a microscope because the local authority need to meet their responsibilities as corporate parents for children in their care.

Thank you @Ted27 I appreciate your clarification. I guess every child and their situation will be different. Agreed, I don't have his contact details so I guess it would be up to them to search for him. The private agency insisted they had to speak with him (abuse or not), she said they are held to a stricter set of rules. She said the local authority might be able to get around that rule and the local authority said the same. So I guess that means I have to go local authority. I had previously wondered if going private would be a more supportive process but it looks like local authority is going to have to be the choice for me.

@Jellycatspyjamas I think they should be very very clear about contacting ex's in all the information they publish on their websites so it's really clear to people before they even consider booking an information evening or looking further into adoption. Contacting someone's abusive ex whom you've never had children with was a complete shock to me and I still don't understand why they would do it. If they contact him he will know how to find me and I don't know if I want a child bad enough to have that man back in my life.

I have another sw meeting in a few weeks and I'll talk to them further about the issue. If they insist on contacting him I think I've decided to back out of proceeding further.

Local authorities tend to be more risk tolerant than voluntary agencies. Voluntary agencies are paid for their services by the local authority and don’t get paid until the assessment is complete and the prospective adopter is through Approval Panel, which means they want straightforward assessments that will progress to timescales.

Local authorities can take more time and have easier processes to fill in any gaps in the application process. Their workers will have had experience in working with domestic abuse and understand the dynamics better so wouldn’t put you at risk in the process. If you’ve fled domestic abuse and him being able to access you would put you at risk, tell them that very plainly.

They will expect you to talk about the abuse, so they can justify him not being contacted, and they will expect you to have done some recovery work - they may suggest/require therapy.

The adoption process isn’t easy, it is intrusive and exposing. They are responsible for finding families for very vulnerable children and that means knowing every aspect of your life thus far that might impact your parenting capacity. There are very few things that present a clear barrier, and this isn’t one of them, but you need some perseverance in the process.

@Jellycatspyjamas That's helpful thank you! I am currently in therapy and will happily tell them about that. I'm usually a very open person and nothing is off limits but I've realised I do have a limit and I panicked thinking he could come back. Hopefully the local authority will be reasonable and find another way to get the information they need.

I would think maybe you need to re-evaluate your feeling that you are making so many sacrifices for a child as you mention earlier, this sounds like a bad place to start from as if it feels like that now, it will be so much worse if you feel it when it gets really tough, which it will. You also mention that you may not manage with a child with high needs - I would say all children are extremely high needs and adoption so so much more so - all children will have gone through loss of primary carer at the very least when they come to you and that is a massive trauma with all that comes out from that. You are right that it is a massive life change and it is forever. I would do more research and reading etc - try the A&F podcast perhaps if you haven't already - and give it time. It really is about child needs - which is why they are vigilant on it all. For any child you would want to do the absolute best for them, which may well mean some of the things you are thinking about - giving up your career/ meeting up with biological parents etc etc - which is why its good to think all this through now, but see it all from the childs point which is what the assessment will be doing.

@tonyhawks23 Thank you. You make it sound as if all the children are the same and I don't believe they are. I think they will all have varying degrees of issues and needs and it's extremely important for an adopter to know what they can and can not take on. It will be an individual choice for each adopter.

I don't know about the changes you had to make to adopt but I will be making huge, significant, life changing sacrifices if I adopt. I need to come to terms with that now before the child comes into the picture which is why I'm looking to recognise where I need to make these changes and what the options are. I'm not making these changes for me, I would be making them for a child because I know that would be best for them.

@IMightBeAParent

I agree you with that the children aren't all the same. However I also agree with a lot of what @tonyhawks23 says.

Most adopted children do have additional needs, of course some are more complex than others. Also many adopters are like me. Its a series of big ups and serious downs. When I write about my son here everyone is so nice about him. Yes he is amazing and wonderful, I wouldn't be without him for a second, but he is the product if 4 years with a foster family and 12 years with me, all trying to 'undo' the first 4 years of his life. Lots of family's sail through the first 10 years or so and hit huge problems in the teen years.
It'd also true that none of us know how things will pan out, if you are the lucky one whose kid gets to uni or the one who has the police round every five minutes.
Its a lottery
I also don't know any parent, adoptive or otherwise who hasn't had to make significant changes or sacrifices to be a parent. You aren't alone in that

Yes, apologies if it read that children are all the same, I just meant that as a bare minimum the needs will be high. Like Ted says its very much ups and downs and the tough times can be very hard.