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Adoption

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Original poster

Its been nearly a year and we are just going to panel

17 replies

lijaco · 20/03/2008 21:14

We are going to panel and things are going very well. The next court hearing is April where the s,w, is putting us forward for special guardianship. Our baby G.S. will be one in May and he is coming on a treat. his Mum is showing no interest at all in him and the s.w. has said that she will not be offerd any contacts due to the lack of interest. I don't think she is bothered either. How do you explain to a baby/child why he doesn't see his mummy???

OP posts:

Kewcumber · 20/03/2008 22:17

with a great deal of thought and possibly some advice from others in the same boat! My social worker suggested anice way of putting it in DS's life book. "Some people can only look after themselves and not anyone else. It is very sad when this happend but happily Mr & Mrs Lijaco were able to look after someon else and that someone else was G.S"

Original poster

lijaco · 22/03/2008 14:28

Yes I agree and could do with some advice. the court has said that mum won't be able to see g.s. at all. This apparently is a special section that can be put forward. He can choose to see her when 18 years. We will always be grandma & granda. We know that she has shown no interest at all how do you explain that. He will never have anybody to call mummy. This will have an effect I would think. I have a 4 year old son who loves him to bits. My 4 year old is the youngest of 4 children. We love our g.s. so much but I can't help thinking how at some point this is going to hurt him. We are putting a life book together for him and we are going to start with facts from beginning.

OP posts:

manuka · 26/03/2008 17:12

His mum must be very ill in some way to behave as she does and putting it to him that way may help do you think? I was very 'ill' when I had dd due to evil birth experience and I can say in all honesty that if I hadn't had an Angel for a mum and a wonderful dh I would have given her up for adoption. It took a year before I felt love for her and that took a LOT of hard work.
Your gs may feel better about his mum if he can feel sorry for her.

KristinaM · 26/03/2008 20:24

Hi lijaco - i'm delighted to hear that things are going so well with gs

regarding contact - i'm not a lawyer, but I think they mean that his birth mother will not have the right to any contact written into the adoption order. It doesn't mean that you (as his legal parents)cannot allow him to have contact if you feel its in his best interest. Assuming that she wants this of coures, and i suspect that her views will change as she gets older. She is so young, barely a child herself

You are right that it will have an effect on him and it will hurt him. this is something you cant fix for him i'm afraid

i disagree with manuka about trying to get gs to feel sorry for his birth mum. i think that this is a very adult feeling, when one is old enough to understand the complexity of adult relationships and why we make the choices we do.i think he will sometimes be sad or angry with her and thats ok - he's entitled to his feelings

i suspect that by the time he is old enough to have grasped soem of the more complex issues eg drugs, mental health problems, relationship problems ect...that you may have some contact with her. i do feel that if its possibel, it woudl be best for him. Although hard for you

believe me, the LAST thing you want is to ban him from having any contcat with her because he will just do it on his own as a teenager, which is much more risky. I don't need to tell you teh trouble teenaged boys can get up to

what is his bio father's role in his life now and how do you see this changing over time?

Kewcumber · 26/03/2008 23:14

my social worker advises aginast saying something like "your birthmother was sick" - leads child to wonder if mummy is going to come and get him when she gets better (which can be a very scary thought), not even to say that she couldn;t cope with a baby because that somehow implies that it was the baby that was the problem. Her advice at least until the child is much older and able to understand more subtle issues is just to stick with saying "some people can only look after themselves and babies need to be looked after so we came to look after you and you will always be with us now"

Janni · 26/03/2008 23:32

That's useful, Kewcumber, as that's something we're going to have to face in the next couple of years. ur adopted DD was very ill as a baby and has cystic fibrosis. The stress of this was, I think, a major factor in why her birth parents could not care for her and it would be tempting to use that as some sort of explanation for why she was taken into care.

I'm having a rethink now. What sorts of things have other people said to their adopted children about why they were placed for adoption?

Kewcumber · 27/03/2008 08:24

Janni - have you come across the concept of a bakwards life book? It was produced aftersome research into lifebooks, I found it very helpful. My social worker swears by it, I can send you the article if you accept cats but not until later in the weekend.

Should we set up a lifebook thread and get some lifebook buddies together?

Janni · 27/03/2008 08:57

That's a great idea, thanks. I don't yet know about CAT - I'll try to find out how to do it.

Original poster

lijaco · 27/03/2008 15:12

My son doesn't have any interest either to be honest. He now lives with a couple of friends. He has just turned 18 and doesn't want the responsibility really. I try to encourage him to see his solicitor and to put his views forward. He won't do it. We see him and he talks to his son and will play with him. Then like any other teenager he wants to be of doing his own thing. His mum on the other hand is very damaged. She was taken into care at 14 due to abuse. All brothers and sisters also as there are 6 children. She harms herself and has tried to commit suicide several times. Also has attacked my son and caused awful injuries. At the moment they are not together but this changes regularly. I have a positive attitude to g.son's mum but she is very unpredictable and could cause him emotional heart ache as she can be very cutting verbally. She would not be reliable and probably in and out of his life.
Good to hear from you KristinaM and I appreciate all the advice that I have been given from everybody. I came on here nearly a year ago in a panic and full of worry.

OP posts:

maryz · 27/03/2008 16:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hifi · 27/03/2008 17:24

kew, i think your life book idea is fab, ive been a bit slack lately so could do with some inspiration.

KristinaM · 27/03/2008 21:19

lijaco - i agrre with you completely

"she is very unpredictable and could cause him emotional heart ache as she can be very cutting verbally. She would not be reliable and probably in and out of his life."

I don't think that she will change in teh sense of being a reliable and suitable parent, but i woudl guess that she will want soem contcat in the future. So you can either

tell Gs that you are not allowing contact until he is 18. He will resent you and track her down on teh internet when he's about 12
lie to him - he will find out later and as above

or you can allow him some managed limited contact and he will be hurt and let down by her.

But at least he will have to deal with the real mother rather than the fantasy one. And let me assure you, the fantasy mother will never make him tidy his room, do his honmework or chores or come in at a reasonabel time

People may advise you to lie to him " to protect his self esteem". They are wrong - please do not listen to them. It will damage your gs and undermine your relationship with him

I'm sorry, but there is NO WAY that you can protect him from the pain of his past.You can only be honest with him (in an age appropriate way )and be there for him

Original poster

lijaco · 27/03/2008 22:11

What if she doesn't want to see him? She is encouraged to have contact and doesn't want it. She also has had contacts set up and she doesn't show. This is what worries me the let down. S.W. has stopped setting up anymore contacts because of this. I only wish it was different.

OP posts:

KristinaM · 28/03/2008 00:46

If she never wants contcat, you will need to be honest with him.

BTW by " contcat" I don't just mean face to face meetings - it might be by letter / email or telephone.

I am talking about years in the future - perhaps in 10 years time when she is in her late 20s. She will probably have other children at soem time

i will say that one thing that is guarenteed is that she will let him down and hurt him. She has done that alreday. i understand 100% your desire to protect him from that. I'm just saying that you can't. It will happen again just like it has before

i just think you should keep an open mind about what might happen in the future. She might get some help , therapy, counselling, get clean/ sober, find a good job and a loving stable partner and turn her life around. Or she might be dead of an overdose or suicide . you need to hope for the best and prepare for the worst. She and your son can walk away....you have chosen not to

i am full of admiration for what you and your Dh have done. I only hope your son can show you respect and appreciation for this

Original poster

lijaco · 28/03/2008 09:41

as a mum i cannot understand her not wanting contact. it is just that now reality has set in that it is actually very hard to put into words to a child / baby. we would welcome letter box contact as then at least there is something for him to relate to his mum. s.w. has said she will try this but nothing so far.

OP posts:

maryz · 28/03/2008 10:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KristinaM · 28/03/2008 10:12

i agree - its just so difficult to understand how your son and his ex Gf can just walk away...

it will be a few years befroe Gs can even formulate the question " Why dont i have a mum". i woudl guess he will be about 3??? You will just have to explain that he does have a mum but she cant look after him so he lives with gran etc.

If he asks why you can explain that she is very young and cant look after anyone except herslef. " Why can't i see her? " . There is no easy answer except that she doesn't want to or maybe ( if its true) " we dont knwo where she lives now".

When he is school age you will be able to tackle more difficlut issues, liek her being too young or very unhappy or addiction issues

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