Adopting after biological child-any experiences?

[Satsuma26]

Hello, I’m looking for some advice as we have a 7 yr old DS but have struggled with secondary infertility, I had DS with no issue but since then I’ve had 5 MC’s. I’ve had all the tests and basically it just comes down to bad luck apparently (and my age as I’m now 44 and been trying for the last 6 years). So after much consideration of all the options, we are still very keen to grow our family as I feel I’ve got lots of love still to give. But my worry with adoption is what impact it could potentially have on my biological DS, does anyone have experience of adopting after having a biological child and how have you found it? I wouldn’t want the adopted child to feel that I loved them any less than my biological child but would this be inevitable? And what age gap would you recommended ideally? Thank you xxx

@Satsuma26

My personal experience, and what I've seen with most of my friends, is that it's harder when they get older.
The teen years can be extremely tough.
The problems are different but it's very hard to deal with a 15 year old who towers over you, refuses everything and is being aggressive.
I'm not trying to put you off but I think we do need to be honest.

Thank you @Ted27 I can imagine that can be quite difficult, given I'm only just over 5 foot it wouldn't be hard to tower over me anyway! Lots more to think about and discuss with DH before we go any further...Thank you all so much, I'm glad I posted on here, it's really been very helpful and made me a lot more aware of what adoption might mean for us.

It's been absolutely hell for me and wish I'd never done it. My birth child is now nearly 20. Her life has been completely destroyed by my adopted child who I adopted 10 years ago as a newborn baby. We cannot even have a conversation without adopted child being triggered into violence. We face continuous daily violence as a result of in utero trauma and drug exposure. Constant battle for non existent support. I've been suicidal at times it's my biggest regret. I will never lead a normal life again and this child will unlikely ever live independently. Also trying to cope with this whilst being menopausal and trying to hold down a job has been hell. Would not recommend at all.

@coopy10 im so sorry to hear you’ve had such a difficult and traumatic experience of adopting, and incredibly sad to hear there’s not been more support for you which there absolutely should be. Thank you for your honesty, it is much appreciated, and I deeply hope that things improve for you soon. I hope you have found good support on here from others that have had/are having similar experiences. Xxxxx

Mother of BD aged 16 and AD aged 10 . Absolutely adore each other , I was 46 when AC came aged 11 months

@Satsuma26I am in the same boat as you although a little bit further down the adoption road as we decided to progress. I feel like I couldn’t have posted this myself a few months ago.
I have spoken with adopters who have really positive outcomes. But also read the terrible outcomes. It’s bewildering! I look at friends with children and how vastly different their children are in behaviours and personality, yet they have been brought up in the same way. I am sooo fortunate with my BC, we’ve never had any issues at all. Am I going to ruin their perfect childhood? When we sat and talked to our BC about our possible intentions to adopt it was clear a brother or sister was what they had longed for too.

I too am really mindful of my BC and any impact it may have but then I remind myself of all the grown up siblings around us, all having very different relationships. If you over think it, you will never do it.
Everyone’s reasons for adopting are different. I can’t offer much advice just to say that the process is helping us to really consider things more so than I think we were able to before we got in to it.
A previous poster has mentioned about the impact of seeing the children’s profiles.. I imagine our ‘criteria’ (terrible how these things have to be done) will never fully match with a profile but other adopters have advised this is the point we really have to listen to our heads. We too are looking to adopt pre-school age.

For me the urge to be a mum for a second time just hasn’t gone away at all in fact it just keeps growing.